Is it bad that I wish my mother in law was dead?

Yes.

Why would your savings go toward her medical bills? Are you sure you want to marry this guy? You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a relationship problem. You’re in a relationship with a man who is apparently still attached to the umbilical cord. Your MIL is a grown adult. Her bills are her responsibility. If she can’t pay her medical bills she needs to look in to Medicaid or work out a payment plan with the hospital. And you need to reconsider marrying this guy because clearly his mother comes first and he can’t say no to her.

Sounds like a nightmare! It’s normal to have resentment towards her. She has caused tremendous grief to you and your partner.

I hope you and your partner will find a viable solution soon.

It seems apparent that no matter what this woman has done in the past or present that your partner is committed to his mom. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? Has he told you his feelings?

He obviously feels responsible for her. Does he have permission from his mom to speak to her doctor? Does he have medical power of attorney?

If he does, speak to the doctor about her prognosis. Then ask to speak to the hospital social worker for direction. Make it clear that you no longer wish to pay for her care.

How old is she? How old are you and your partner? How long have you been involved with him?

I agree with worriedincali, you are dating a mammas boy who won’t say no to her. It will only get worse if you marry him.

She will be a BUTTINSKEE or however you spell it once she becomes your MIL.

I would rethink this relationship. If fiancé can’t stand up to his own mother, it’s time to move on.

The old saying is NOT true “marry a man, marry his family.” WRONG!! Not true. Not if they are a BUTTINSKEE!!

BUTTINSKY is the correct spelling. Someone who BUTTS IN. An intruder or a MEDDLER.

Technically, she isn't your mother in law, since you aren't married to her son.

I don't understand why your savings are paying her bills. Did you agree to this or was the money in a joint account that your partner used without your consent?

I hope you aren't all living together.

Don't spend any more money on this relationship. He shouldn't be paying his mother's bills even if she WAS a good mother.

Move on.

Why on earth are you and her son paying her Medical bills?

Get her on Medicaid. You are being used, both by your boyfriend and his mom.

It doesn't matter what kind of mother she was. Neither you nor she should be paying her bills, medical or otherwise.

Find a time for you and him to be alone, preferably when he's in a good mood. calmly tell him how you feel. Yes, he will feel conflicted, and hopefully notice that you feel conflicted too. Ask him if you two can somehow work out something. For instance, she gets the help she needs, like with medicaid, and you two save for a wedding.

Wish you all the best

Why would he think that you are a bad person?

You are trying to protect HIS money. If he doesn't see that his mother is using him, perhaps this is not a good relationship for you to pursue.

Perhaps YOU are being used by them both.

Blair, he is 28? His mom must be early to middle 60's? She hasn't even reached the point in her life where many begin to develop serious medical problems. Then what? You don't have money for rent? Food? Raising a family? Buying a home?

You are the only one that can stop his mooching mom! I WOULD NOT marry this man that feels financially responsible for his mom. You are in for a rough marriage if you do not stop this now.

Mom needs to butt out and son needs to stand up to her. Maybe he can do that with your support. But you need to draw the line in the sand and say NO MORE! BOUNDARIES. What a nightmare.

You see him once a month? That is not enough to base a marrying relationship on.

"Honey, paying your mother's medical bills is a poor use of our money. Since she has no savings and very little income, she should easily qualify for Medicaid. Here's the phone number to call".

I will tell you what needs to happen, and if you do this, you will be able to continue with your life plan and enjoy it.

It will be VERY DIFFICULT, and a lot of it will depend on you, but even more, on him.

TODAY is my 43rd wedding anniversary. I married the best man I’d ever met, 43 years ago today, after having been warned by everyone who knew us (including my own wonderful dad) that he’d NEVER marry me, because he’d never leave his mother.

My husband’s dad had died when my husband was 19, and my MIL expected and DEMANDED that my husband continue to go to one of the most expensive colleges in this country AND get a full time job to support her. She was a narcissist who did NOT want anyone intruding on her turf.

Early on, she said atrocious things about me, screamed, cried, threw things at us, and I attempted to engage her, placate her, and keep the peace.

IT NEVER WAS ENOUGH. What worked? WE BOTH DIVORCED HER. Even though she had tantrums, said terrible things, made a fool of herself? WE STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION TO HER. And that was something I’m not sure either of you are ready to do.

Right now, if your relationship is important enough for you both to do it, your partner MUST calmly tell her that he WILL NOT be responsible for her medical care, but he will help her apply for the benefits available to her. But he MUST state this calmly and quietly, then leave her AND STOP TALKING TO HER to give her time to process what he’s said. That means whatever she says to him, he DOES NOT LISTEN TO HER. and you don’t either.

From what you’ve said, I’m not sure that you OR your partner are ready to do this. But I will tell you, once you’ve BOTH DIVORCED HER in this way, you’ll be in a position to move forward. Keep in mind that my husband lived with my MIL for a year after we’d divorced her. She STILL had tantrums, but they never had the same power over us because she KNEW we’d “walk away” if she did.

You cannot win in verbal confrontation, but you CAN WIN by rearranging her control. Think about this.

Blair, your plight sounds familiar, although your name doesn't show any other posts.

Anyway, accept that you aren't going to change your fiance -- his mother will always be his top priority. I'm assuming that you have mixed finances now? If so, then he is using YOUR money to pay for his mother. That means you are being used. How much money do YOU contribute towards his mother's bills?

Stop letting yourself be used. Walk away. This relationship is going nowhere. Look at the resentment you have now, and you only see your fiance once a month. Just think if your fiance had to hear your anger all the time if you lived with him.

Annreid is absolutely right. We did this with my mother n law. We both divorced her. She use to be the best mother n law until her husband died. I had 6 great years with her until her husband died. She changed after that.

She was in her 50’ when he died and she was on a mad tear to date much younger men. Like in their early 40’s.

She has absolutely NO time for any of her grandchildren even though we all lived within 20 minutes of her.

When she couldn’t give her grandchildren the time of day, my husband and I couldn’t give her the time of day either.

Blair, I hope and trust that you would NEVER move in with them.

Why did her having an accident make it necessary to postpone the wedding?

Why IS ANY of your money going to her?

Stop that immediately.

If you have any joint accounts with him, get out of them. Keep your own money. You are being played for a fool.

She is a widow. Doesn't she get SS widow's benefits?

I suddenly feel validated after reading your post. I felt this way when we tried loving together 20+ years ago. Over the years I distance myself more and more. My husband is her only son and she treats him like garbage. Demanding. Hostile. Had called him with crises including she couldnt get her cellphone to work and left a voice mail that she expected him to be there to fix it.
A few years ago she picked a fight with him, as she usually does, and they didnt speak for months. Mother's Day came around and since they weren't on speaking terms I did not reach out to her. I had my son bring flowers and a card. She spent Mother's Day with my cousin. I think their bond could be borderline personality disorder as neither respects boundaries. Anyhoot, about a week ago she told me that she told someone else who works for our country that we left her alone on that Mother's Day and he told her that's abuse. Abuse is what she did/does to my husband for 54 years.
Didnt mean to hijack your post. My heart goes out to you having to deal with that.

Get your friend a copy of the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.

Tell him to call you when he is ready to put some into place. Until then, work hard, save your own money and look for a future partner who knows his own worth.

I don't think you are bad. I think you are in a horrible situation and that your anger and wishing her dead are misplaced though. I think it is incredibly easy to feel that way when you watch someone you love being treated so badly by someone who is supposed to love and protect them.  And when you think of the alternatives, the 'easiest' one is a world without her in it.  But there ARE other alternatives. You are going to have to own up to your part in this and speak your mind. It is easier to sit there in hatred of her than risk what I think you are most scared of.
Are you afraid if you confront your fiancé that he will choose her over you if you make waves? You are 25 years old. There is a VERY good chance this woman will live for YEARS. So wasting your time and energy hating this woman is not useful. You are going to have to step out and act. You already know this situation doesn't work for you. The question is whether your fiancé will be willing to do what needs to be done.
Your savings are not to pay her medical bills. I can see helping out in some situations for people...but it shouldn't be her retirement fund. There are services out there for people who don't have any money themselves. How on earth are either of you going to save for anything - a wedding, a home, babies if you want them, your own retirement...when you are paying HER way. She needs to apply for Medicaid if she qualifies and your money needs to remain in your pockets.
Her misapplication of her SS funds is not YOUR problem, nor is it his. SHE is still a competent person who is clearly a user and will never stop. So there is only one way to make her stop. Close your bank. She has funds. She has options.
And the hard truth is if your fiancé is not willing to put your relationship first, you may have to make some hard decisions. If he is scared to stand up to her but willing to work on it, that is one thing, but a solid plan has to be in place and progress made. Otherwise you really need to rethink your future with him.
I know you love him. I really do. But I can promise you if you continue forward in the way you are right now...you will absolutely grow to resent him. Not just her. HIM. Because right now it is you two against her, or you see it that way. But after years of that, you are likely going to feel like it is them against YOU. And that you are just there to facilitate her needs and provide money for her pockets.
You have some hard conversations ahead and I don't envy you.  But you are going to have to have them. That is the first step. And see where that takes you.
Because here is my final thought...a person like you describe, someone so self focused, uncaring of what anyone else needs, focused on their own needs at the detriment of everyone around them...will suck the life out of you and they will not change. Why should they? Everyone is waiting on them hand and foot and facilitating all of their needs. She is not going to change. So you either change your approach, change the way you as a couple approach her or make those hard decisions.

You are BAD if you continue to allow this abuse to yourself to continue. Seek therapy to find out why you are in this situation and still want to marry this man. You are young, no rush, there are plenty of other people out there.

I am a bit confused by your posts. You seem to interchange him and her quite often.

What are the medical issues with this woman.

What's bad is that you and your husband are financing this woman's life and her medical bills. That prevents you from living YOUR lives, from accruing a savings account of your own, and makes you so resentful that you're wishing this woman would pass away to end the nightmare you've AGREED to take on. You feel the only way out of the mess is for her to die, but that's not true. Since she's probably youngish, compared to my mother who's almost 94 and going strong, she can easily live for DECADES and turn the two of you into paupers. The answer is..........stop financing her life! If she qualifies for SSI, she qualifies for Medicare. If she doesn't qualify for Medicare and is indigent, she qualifies for Medicaid. But she won't ask for help from the state if YOU are the ones paying her bills.

And, even if she was profusely thankful for all of your generosity, that STILL leaves you broke! And resentful that you can't buy a new couch or go on a vacation because of your MILs $3,600 MRI for the fall she took because she refused to pull up the throw rug on her floor.

You've agreed to an unmanageable situation that SHE is not likely to sign off on. YOU and DH are the ones who need to figure out how to sign off of this agreement because it's tearing your marriage apart. Not to mention, it's ridiculous and unwarranted for 'children' to work for a living to pay their parent's bills. Just because she made NO plans for her old age should not mean that it's YOUR responsibility to pave her way with gold lined pavement.

The gravy train needs to stop. Now. Have a heart to heart talk with your DH and let him know that you need to band together and figure out how to get MIL onto Medicaid to finance her medical bills. Consult an Elder Care attorney if necessary to get some guidance on how to go about doing this; it's never straight forward when government benefits are involved. I found the EC attorney to be a HUGE help for me, and the consultation was free.

Wishing you the best of luck getting out of this predicament and on with YOUR lives!

AKA   Haileybug

Yes

Beware the Mommas Boys. Theres a reason Norman Bates was single. Your feelings are normal and to be expected regarding MiL.

Honey--

If I had known how horrible my MIL was going to wind up being I would have NEVER married my DH.

He isn't a mama's boy, but he simply refused to see how awful she was to me for, oh, about 40 years. And he never said ANYTHING supportive of me to her. He NEVER 'cleaved unto his wife'..never.

You see your fiancé once a month for 8 hours? why is that? Is she taking all his spare time?

Engagement is a 'trial run' to see if you are compatible and to work on issues that are a natural part of ANY couple planning marriage.

I would cut and run from this guy. As fast as possible. His mom could live for 40 more years, easily. You want to be back here in 5, 10, 20 years complaining that your hubby is 'addicted' to his mom??? Sounds like he's making noise about putting you first but he isn't doing it, is he?

My sneaky MIL called on both my birthday and our anniversary one year, demanding that he come and fix something at her house. He spent the entire day, both days at her place. Got home so late there wasn't time to go out to celebrate anything. He didn't 'see it'. Never did. Blamed me for being selfish. She boasted with pride how she had ruined both days for me.

Our only and biggest arguments in our marriage were due to his mother being a pill. He defended her to the hilt and expected me to 'grow up already'.

While we have not had to financially help her, thank goodness, we have done plenty to support her over the years. He is 'on call' for her, 24/7. She's 90 and will live forever and ever.

50% of this problem is her, 50% is him. I cannot change the way he runs to her aid and she has him under her thumb. He complains, but does nothing to change the dynamic.

I 'divorced her' about 8 months ago. I have not seen her and will not willingly place myself in a situation where I have to even look at her face. Sounds harsh, I know, but this woman has caused me so much pain and anguish. I'm still recovering from cancer and she stated it was a 'shame' that I survived. I don't care who you are, you just don't ACT like that!

I WAS warned before marrying my DH that she didn't 'like me' but at age 20, I was sure I could bring her 'round.

It has been h*ll. Please, please, please look more closely at this guy and his mom and decide now if he's worth it.

My DH is a kind man, but will maintain forever that his mom comes first. I am not the woman his mom wanted him to marry and I heard that for 40+ years until I simply stopped talking to her.

I wish you luck. Although I do love my husband, it has been a chore to work through issues with his mother and we never will come to terms about her, to him, I am selfish and mean to an 'old, sick lady'. Who was NOT old and sick when I married him. She was 45!

If you continue to move toward marriage there is no one who will have much sympathy with you in future. You clearly already know the choices your partner is making, and you are NOT among those choices. You have the writing on the wall. Now the decision is yours. I wish you luck in making your decision. No one can make you for it. Your well written post tells us you have all the facts. Wishing you luck.
And yes, it is morally destructive to you to wish people dead. A bad place to start from. My concern in that is for you more than your boyfriend's Mom. Things like this eat us from the inside out.

Bridger


OP asked was it wrong to wish her MIL was dead. I was saying, yes it is.

Boy did u receive a lot of answers too many to read them all.

I hope your share of the savings is not going to her medical bills. If this woman is not on Medicare yet then she probably can get Medicaid healthcare. Your salaries will not be considered. Neither you nor her son should be paying these bills. Hospitals have charity funding she may qualified for.

I also would not marry as long as she is around. Your life will be H*LL.

Your possible future MIL certainly sounds dreadful, but she is not the problem with your relationship. It sounds as if your partner has no boundaries or mastery over his own life. I am not sure why her children are financially responsible for her? If she is already making your life difficult, and you are not yet married, it won’t get any better until your partner is able to put himself and you first and set some strong boundaries with her - dead or alive.