I could really use some help with this.
We have hired a PSW for additional care at the LTC home that my mother is at. The PSW is very dedicated. I noticed today, however, that she had given Mom a necklace with ‘love’ engraved on it. It’s a nice gesture, but it strikes me as something of a boundary violation. She’s not family, and feels a bit creepy. Or am I overthinking this?
I don’t know what to think, and could use input from the forum.
It confuses the boundaries of a caregiver who is hired.
I would have a discussion. What is now done is done, but I would tell the PSW that her giving gifts to your Mom is her forming a relationship that is personal outside the bounds of her duties as a caregiver. That you understand her good intentions and what is done is done, but there should in future be a more professional approach, and gifts aren't appropriate.
Again, this is forming a personal/familial relationship with a client/patient who isn't fully cognizant. It's inappropriate. She may not know that. So be kind but firm. This is simply something that needs to be handled. Her relationship with your mother is not one of LOVE. It is one of caregiver. She may admire her, even have affection for her, but there is a limit to the boundaries. Those may CHANGE over time, if a caregiver is with someone a very long time. But for now this isn't appropriate. I think your warning bells are going off correctly. We have all sorts of questions about "gifts" on Forum, and in all truth I think they are inappropriate in most circumstances whether given by client or by worker. They blur boundaries that should not be blurred.
Tell her it was a nice gesture and your sure Mom loved it but some professionalism has to be maintained. You feel jewelry is too personal. Maybe bring her some flowers. Her favorite candybar or cookies. Or some baked goods if she wants to do something nice for Mom.
You could also ask the Nurse, she oversees the aides, what her thoughts would be.
I am not saying this will happen to you and Mom but there are stories on this forum where aides get to friendly with client and start asking for loans or take control. And it all starts with them being overly nice to the client.
I have to say that I am a hugger and I often tell people that I love them, even strangers that appear to need to have a little love given just because. Very rarely do people get weirded out, more often it is a big hug back and a thank you.
I agree its sad that we have to look at the world this way but that is how it is. You can't be naive.
Unless this SW gave your mom a solid gold necklace, I wouldn't give it a second thought. I don't think it's creepy or naive in the least to accept a gift and in fact I think it's insulting if it's returned.
Elderly people are vulnerable and can be taken advantage of
I walked in on one of our ones who was asking my dad to gift him be if his hats
I told him the only thing my father would be gifting him is a kick up the rear and not to make jokes! Like that again
playing along gently and compassionately can sometimes help reduce confusion and distress.
You are right to be concerned
maybe a polite conversation
thank you fur the gift to mum but we’d prefer if you didn’t give anything further without our consent
or change her and tell mum she’s left the job
Caregiver (?) builds up a false caring in order to gain something monetary or otherwise. In other words, they have an agenda and it starts with the elder being groomed to believe this person genuinely cares when they have a hidden agenda.
On the other hand, I believe it has everything to do with the maturity of the care provider and mindset of care provider. . .
When I went on vacation, I found a cute necklace of a giraffe, which my client loved. So I bought it for her. It was only a cheap (nicely made) souvenir in a gift shop. She absolutely cherished it and her daughter had her mom buried with it on since it meant so much to her. However, it wasn't engraved and wasn't of much monetary value.
This daughter needs to intervene.
When my FIL had a volunteer "buddy", he became close with my MIL and FIL and would give them gifts on occasion. Nothing of great value and many were homemade meals or veggies out of the garden.
If they are not looking for anything in return I don't see the harm. Unless your mother is susceptible to ill intentioned people and tends to give away items and money I wouldn't approach the PSW. If you see a pattern of overly excessive gifting and your mother wanting to do something in return then I would speak with her one on one.
No, it is inappropriate if this is a professional person caring for your mother.
Even if she was a volunteer.
Personal boundaries must be clear.
You need to make these decisions, as this is your mother.
I would have a talk with this person and share your feelings and concerns.
Talk about professional boundaries and what this means - to you - and to the PSW.
So much depends on the relationships and maturity of the PSW (?) care provider. Getting too attached in unhealthy ways will interfere with their decision making in their care-giving.
The other side ... the person getting the care / support often confuses a 'friend' with a paid 'caregiver' (even if not paid).
Yes, personal caring feelings develop, although from my experience, it is critical that the relationships is first build on TRUST and CARING, and second, maintaining a professional boundary.
You might want / need to flush out what a professional boundary means to you, and to the PSW.
Gena / Touch Matters
See what she says. It will give you more idea of whether to be concerned.
I expected Mum's carer to be kind but professional. Anything else would concern me that the carer may not be experienced or skilled enough to do her job.
One of Mum's carers did get upset when Mum went on to palliative care, but she showed that to me, outside in the corridor, not in front of Mum. I wasn't happy though because I was trying to keep it together for Mum, so I didn't want to have to deal with a carer's emotions. But I was nice to her because the carer was young and probably not used to looking after clients who were slowly dying, and she had always been kind and patient with Mum.
However, if she had been unprofessional, I would have asked for her to be removed from my mum's care team.
In thinking about this, KPW gave you an excellent way to broach the subject with the PSW... something to the effect of "mom says you gave her that lovely necklace, I wanted to check and make sure this was the case, and mom didn't "borrow" it from another patient"... or something like that. I would bet if the PSW gave this to mom, she will go into a little bit of detail as to how that gift came to be.
Based on the PSW's answer, you can then decide if any boundaries have been uncomfortably or inappropriately crossed and proceed from there.