Follow
Share

My mom has been in a memory care facility for about a month. Everything is going fine - she likes the staff and seems to be satisfied overall. Because of her dementia, she doesn't understand that this is a permanent move. She used to ask to come home every time we visited, and this made visits hard/stressful for her and the visitors. She seems to be settled now and has stopped asking to come home. However, she now seems depressed and says she bored. We have offered all of her favorite activities, but she is not interested. I believe she is tired of being in the same place all day long. We are fearful to take her out for lunch, etc. because of her reaction to being returned to the facility rather than being taken home. Is it a good idea to take her out for a day and risk her reaction when she is returned to the facility? Any ideas are appreciated! Thank you!

Find Care & Housing

19 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
My initial thought is to not take her out of the facility as it may cause more problems than it’s worth. You mention she seems settled and has not been asking to go home. Leave it at that and count it as a win. If the facility has activities perhaps you can do them with her. I do that with my mom and she loves having me there for coffee hour, music performances, birthday parties, etc. It’s a good compromise. My heart goes out to you. I totally understand where you’re coming from.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to DD1963
Report
No, not this early in the game and maybe never. I would wait a while and then ask a staff member what they think.

Home for a Dementia patient could be their childhood home. And really, there is not much Dementia patients can do. Their brain no longer allows them to retain, so they can't learn something new. My Mom was an avid reader. I used to kid if she ever came to live with me I could just put her in a room piled with books and she would be happy. Well, Dementia took away her ability to read and that was her enjoyment. She sat in front of the TV all day something she never did before. This desease robs them of so much.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
No! You should not take her out for day trips, you should let her get familiar with her new surroundings. I have been a Caregiver, for over 25yrs, have worked with people with memory problems. If the memory care, has an outdoor, place you can spend time with her there.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to seniorconnect
Report
Speak to the healthcare who woukd be best positioned to advise seeing your mother daily

A short trip around the block I’m sure can’t hurt too much - and see how her behaviour is afterwards
talking about her new area and pointing out everything nice
id speak to her doctor there first who know your mother better
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Jenny10
Report
Truly only you can measure the cost-benefits of this; you are the one who is there, observing and talking with staff. If there is only a SHORT TERM distress in coming home, and staff tells you she adjusts well and quickly once she understands she isn't leaving again with you, then I say go for this if it makes a nice afternoon for her. But if it disrupts the rest of the day it is best not done. A bit of boredom is the norm for us elders (I say that as someone approaching 83. We can no longer do all the activities that once kept us humming in a sort of Zen state as we puttered about dusting, mopping, ironing, doing the wash, tending the garden and cooking. There's quite simply less on our dance cards, and we get to sound a bit like children with the "I am BORED" litany. You aren't/can't be responsible for happiness, and quite honestly, "Happy-ALL-the-time" isn't real life, no matter your age.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
Before my own Mother passed from Alzheimer's, she was in a care facility and earlier on in the disease progression we would walk around the facility and to a park adjacent to the facility. She benefited greatly from these walks, being outdoors and though she may not have been conversational and or personable, the companionship and the exercise were both very good for her body and spirit. As the disease progressed, she lost the strength and the ability to go on walks, however I did spend a great amount of time visiting with her, helping to feed her, change her and brush her hair just telling her that I love her so much. I cherish that time I spent with her, as it was very meaningful to me.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Anniemc
Report
I would not, too early in her placement. Give her at least another 2 months to acclimate and then decide from there.

My step-mother who had FTD, was afraid when she was taken out of her safe place, we stopped taking her out to lunch.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to MeDolly
Report
Every case is different. My mom enjoys getting out of MC with my sister or myself almost every day. She has never been upset about going back. She has adjusted so well to living there I am amazed. She used to say " I know I am safe here even though most of these people just don't have good manners or their parents didn't teach them how to behave." After 1 year and a half, her vocabulary is dwindling big time but she still loves getting out to run an errand or come to our house for a little bit or go watch a grandchild's ball game. We are so lucky I am aware of that. I swear getting her out has kept my mom from the zombie like effect so many of the other residents have. We know it won't last forever but I pray my mom never has to live in a world where she is unable to go with me to a b-day party for a great granddaughter or come to my house so I can dye her hair for her. She is still so outgoing. I pray every day she doesn't have to live a life where she cannot talk. Her vocab is dwindling quickly. She will repeat red, black, blue to herself over and over but still can carry on a conversation 75% of the time. But back to the original question, I think it will depend on her. If you are able to get her out and she doesn't complain about going back, do it as often as you can. I appreciate every single outing, which get to be more difficult as time goes on, knowing one day I will think of this as the days when things were better. That is the thing about Alzheimers. It just keeps getting worse. It keeps getting harder. It keeps getting sadder. It is the worst thing I have ever witnessed with my own eyes. I am very sorry your mom suffers with this miserable disease and I am very sorry for what I know you have and what you will deal with.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to kstay10
Report
H
hmyers Aug 1, 2025
as you say every case is different but I think it is important you accept the inevitable. Talk to her neurologist or primary care to get perspective if needed. If she has dementia it is progressive only ends one way.
Don't mean to be harsh but my wife has advanced dementia and I remember when I could take her out. She is at home but every time I take her out she is okay until she approaches the front door. She has lived her for 50 years and still 'wants to go home'. It is sad, but true, for her. So glad it is working so well so far for you, and it sounds like you appreciate and enjoy the visits you have.
(2)
Report
I think if you take her out for a few hours, she'll be tired enough not to worry about going back,just don't take her home or family's homes.
My mother just loved going to the casino! She enjoyed the ride down (45 minutes) and usually napped on the way back to the facility. We even had a few overnights that she enjoyed, she just had her rolling walker and boogie on. The food was delicious, variety instead of bland. Things did get to a point where she couldn't go anymore but she had a good time while she could. I'm going to say that if for any reason she doesn't take it well going back, just don't take her out again. Say, mom we can go out but we've got to come back here,what do you think? Just because they have to be confined doesn't mean you can't set them free once in a while. I still have car conversations with her while I'm driving alone. I don't miss hauling the walker everywhere, here you go mom,just wait here while I park the car. Of course, it's up to you as you know more about her decline than anyone else.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to JuliaH
Report
Taking her out to lunch is dependant on how she is doing personally. There will be a lot of variation between people on whether this works or not. My mom loved to get out ocassionally and get some air; she didn't have issues with returning afterward. My mom also lost her ability to read. She was an avid reader, but when her short term memory declined sh couldn't remember what she had read and needed to start over every time she took a break from reading. Then she went from reading to TV watching. With regards to decreasing short term memory, I have found that a supplement called Vinpocetine works wonders. I have started taking it myself as well as giving it to my wife and her older sister. We are all seeming much sharper when taking 10mg twice a day. Your mileage may vary, but I recommend trying it. It is available on Amazon and isn't expensive.
Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to WilliamBillA1
Report
Taking your mother out is a high risk and may wander if you turn your back on her. I do not recommend taking her out of the facility because she is in memory care for one reason: requires 24/7 supervision by professionals.

Showing her activities is likely no use with her broken brain of her memory loss. I’m sorry about your mothers situation.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Patathome01
Report
It is so different for each individual. I would try it and see how it goes for each of you. If it goes well you will both have a win. If she regresses to wanting to go home, you have successfully dealt with this before. I think the benefit outweighs the risk. But you are the FINAL authority on your mom's care.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to AnnetteDe
Report
Middle1: That would not be a good idea.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report
My mother has been in memory care for about eight months now. She has been adjusting very well though she still wants to go home, for her that means across the country. I have been trying to take her out as often as I can from the beginning! This morning we went to her favorite diner for breakfast and earlier this week we went on a cruise on a local river. I have taken her many other places as well, to shows, festivals, and a lot of dining out. She doesn’t remember these things afterwards but she enjoys them while we are doing them. She does remember her favorite trips for a few days and I am now trying to make up photo albums devoted to the activities to help her remember them better. I also encourage my niece and certain friends to do things with her as well. Some folks are comfortable with taking her out even if I’m not there, with some training ahead of time, others want me to come as well. A friend of mine who is an RN and also served as her caregiver before we moved her to MC, takes her out regularly and there are some trips that do require both of us to keep her safe. My friend is also planning to take her to a summer place we have for the weekend. I can’t spend the night with them because of responsibilities at home. My friend also set up basically a day trip go bag with incontinence supplies among other things we may need. I like to think that the physical and mental stimulation she receives from these trips helps to slow the advance of her dementia, though that may just be wishful thinking! The MC also has outings for the residents that can manage it so it all keeps her fairly busy. I do get the impression that I do take her out much more often than the other families take their loved ones out. She may also be a rare individual in what she can handle.
One advantage to having events planned is that when she talks about wanting to get her plane tickets home asap I can point out to her that if she leaves this week then she will miss whatever activity is coming up. That usually distracts her from the thought of going home.
That being said, as many have pointed out, each person is different. My mother has always been an outgoing person who enjoys doing a lot and she is not as advanced as many other residents, whereas I tend to like having more time for myself and though I like going out occasionally I am not sure if I would benefit as much as she does from as many trips if I were in her position.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Animallovers
Report
My mother has been in memory care for about eight months now. She has been adjusting very well though she still wants to go home, for her that means across the country. I have been trying to take her out as often as I can from the beginning! This morning we went to her favorite diner for breakfast and earlier this week we went on a cruise on a local river. I have taken her many other places as well, to shows, festivals, and a lot of dining out. She doesn’t remember these things afterwards but she enjoys them while we are doing them. She does remember her favorite trips for a few days and I am now trying to make up photo albums devoted to the activities to help her remember them better. I also encourage my niece and certain friends to do things with her as well. Some folks are comfortable with taking her out even if I’m not there, with some training ahead of time, others want me to come as well. A friend of mine who is an RN and also served as her caregiver before we moved her to MC, takes her out regularly and there are some trips that do require both of us to keep her safe. My friend is also planning to take her to a summer place we have for the weekend. I can’t spend the night with them because of responsibilities at home. My friend also set up basically a day trip go bag with incontinence supplies among other things we may need. I like to think that the physical and mental stimulation she receives from these trips helps to slow the advance of her dementia, though that may just be wishful thinking! The MC also has outings for the residents that can manage it so it all keeps her fairly busy. I do get the impression that I do take her out much more often than the other families take their loved ones out. She may also be a rare individual in what she can handle.
One advantage to having events planned is that when she talks about wanting to get her plane tickets home asap I can point out to her that if she leaves this week then she will miss whatever activity is coming up. That usually distracts her from the thought of going home.
That being said, as many have pointed out, each person is different. My mother has always been an outgoing person who enjoys doing a lot and she is not as advanced as many other residents, whereas I tend to like having more time for myself and though I like going out occasionally I am not sure if I would benefit as much as she does from as many trips if I were in her position.
I will say that my mother is also tired enough when we get back that she then takes a nap and we can leave without her becoming upset.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Animallovers
Report
M
Marcia22 Aug 3, 2025
That's great! Whenever I take my dad to the Dr appt, I always go to get ice cream treat. Lately, he's been in the hospital a lot so it hasn't happened as planned.
(1)
Report
Start with a brief trip, like a ride through a pretty setting and maybe a stop for ice cream, see how it goes. When I drive him back, I refer to his room at the memory care as “his apartment” and tell him I’m taking him back to his apartment.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to OldCaregiver121
Report
MomsBrain avatar
M
MomsBrain Aug 22, 2025
That's a good idea to call her room her apartment. My mom is in a small group home with 10-11 other people, but I don't think she understands where she is - it's quite strange but wonderful - if she understood, she would not be happy. I think she either thinks she's in her own home or in a dorm of some sort.

I never know what to call the aides. She loves them but doesn't really understand that they are there to help her. She is pretty independent but she does need help with showering, meds, etc.

This summer I wanted to take her to parks to walk but that hasn't worked out yet. Then we had a couple potty incidents at fast food places and that made me nervous. I started taking a change of pullup and some clean sweat pants, just in case. Also baby wipes (she insisted on cleaning herself with toilet paper the one time and would not accept wet paper towels from me - what a mess). This option is still making me nervous and I don't expect my brother to risk it when I am out of state (half the year).

I struggle with wanting to visit/take her out. Sigh. It is sad and frustrating sometimes, although she is quite pleasant and in good health. I've decided to settle on twice a week - I live very close but this helps with "decision fatigue"). Sometimes we'll go out for a quick bite or walk somewhere or I'll bring her to my house (she never lived in this area) for a cup of her favorite flavored coffee. And sometimes I go over there and TAKE her a cup of coffee - we sit on the porch in good weather, and it is lovely.
(0)
Report
Try a short trip to the store. Or to a local park for a picknick lunch. Or out for an ice cream.
DO NOT drive anywhere near where she used to live.
DO not bring her to your home or the home of a relative.
When you bring her back to the facility before you leave either get her busy doing something or if she is tired get her settled in a chair or into bed for a rest.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report
M
Marcia22 Aug 3, 2025
So, it's not good to bring them to your house anymore? On the holidays, I like to bring my dad to our house.

I had wanted to take him to a family reunion near his house. The memory care facility said no not if for a long period of time. They said for a day trip like to a park or something. His cousin wanted him to come to their wedding. It would be for the whole weekend. I think that's out.

I would like to have a birthday party for him in Sept. Maybe go to a park. That sounds like a good possibility. Some of his family won't bring their kids to a memory care. Seems like none of our family comes to visit him. The rest of his nieces and nephews, cousins and brother lives near KC, MO which is over 4 hours away from our house.
(0)
Report
I found when I took my husband out, he became very confused and agitated. To much going on around them that he didn’t feel safe. Even his favorite restaurant was not any good anymore. They need the consistency of their surroundings. Everything is confusing for them. Most of the time he asked to go back home, meaning the facility.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Warrenswife
Report
My mom went on and on about needing to take a trip back to her birthplace. After almost a year and a half of being in memory care, my cousins decided it would be a nice treat for her to take her on a day trip. Yes, she enjoyed looking forward to it, but once the day arrived she was miserable. The trip was horrible in her opinion and she was very disappointed it didn't go exactly as she wanted. She complained and blamed my cousins though they did their very best to accommodate her needs and whims. They were very disappointed as well at how upset she was. She is now expecting them to take her on another trip, but hopefully they have learned their lesson. She was much more dissatisfied with her facility after the first day trip. Before that she had started participating in activities, getting to know the other residents, etc. Now she likes to keep her door closed and be rude to the other residents and staff. It didn't have the desired effect at all.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JustAnon
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter