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My mom has been in a memory care facility for about a month. Everything is going fine - she likes the staff and seems to be satisfied overall. Because of her dementia, she doesn't understand that this is a permanent move. She used to ask to come home every time we visited, and this made visits hard/stressful for her and the visitors. She seems to be settled now and has stopped asking to come home. However, she now seems depressed and says she bored. We have offered all of her favorite activities, but she is not interested. I believe she is tired of being in the same place all day long. We are fearful to take her out for lunch, etc. because of her reaction to being returned to the facility rather than being taken home. Is it a good idea to take her out for a day and risk her reaction when she is returned to the facility? Any ideas are appreciated! Thank you!

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My initial thought is to not take her out of the facility as it may cause more problems than it’s worth. You mention she seems settled and has not been asking to go home. Leave it at that and count it as a win. If the facility has activities perhaps you can do them with her. I do that with my mom and she loves having me there for coffee hour, music performances, birthday parties, etc. It’s a good compromise. My heart goes out to you. I totally understand where you’re coming from.
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Reply to DD1963
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No, not this early in the game and maybe never. I would wait a while and then ask a staff member what they think.

Home for a Dementia patient could be their childhood home. And really, there is not much Dementia patients can do. Their brain no longer allows them to retain, so they can't learn something new. My Mom was an avid reader. I used to kid if she ever came to live with me I could just put her in a room piled with books and she would be happy. Well, Dementia took away her ability to read and that was her enjoyment. She sat in front of the TV all day something she never did before. This desease robs them of so much.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Every case is different. My mom enjoys getting out of MC with my sister or myself almost every day. She has never been upset about going back. She has adjusted so well to living there I am amazed. She used to say " I know I am safe here even though most of these people just don't have good manners or their parents didn't teach them how to behave." After 1 year and a half, her vocabulary is dwindling big time but she still loves getting out to run an errand or come to our house for a little bit or go watch a grandchild's ball game. We are so lucky I am aware of that. I swear getting her out has kept my mom from the zombie like effect so many of the other residents have. We know it won't last forever but I pray my mom never has to live in a world where she is unable to go with me to a b-day party for a great granddaughter or come to my house so I can dye her hair for her. She is still so outgoing. I pray every day she doesn't have to live a life where she cannot talk. Her vocab is dwindling quickly. She will repeat red, black, blue to herself over and over but still can carry on a conversation 75% of the time. But back to the original question, I think it will depend on her. If you are able to get her out and she doesn't complain about going back, do it as often as you can. I appreciate every single outing, which get to be more difficult as time goes on, knowing one day I will think of this as the days when things were better. That is the thing about Alzheimers. It just keeps getting worse. It keeps getting harder. It keeps getting sadder. It is the worst thing I have ever witnessed with my own eyes. I am very sorry your mom suffers with this miserable disease and I am very sorry for what I know you have and what you will deal with.
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Reply to kstay10
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hmyers Aug 1, 2025
as you say every case is different but I think it is important you accept the inevitable. Talk to her neurologist or primary care to get perspective if needed. If she has dementia it is progressive only ends one way.
Don't mean to be harsh but my wife has advanced dementia and I remember when I could take her out. She is at home but every time I take her out she is okay until she approaches the front door. She has lived her for 50 years and still 'wants to go home'. It is sad, but true, for her. So glad it is working so well so far for you, and it sounds like you appreciate and enjoy the visits you have.
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No! You should not take her out for day trips, you should let her get familiar with her new surroundings. I have been a Caregiver, for over 25yrs, have worked with people with memory problems. If the memory care, has an outdoor, place you can spend time with her there.
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Reply to seniorconnect
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Before my own Mother passed from Alzheimer's, she was in a care facility and earlier on in the disease progression we would walk around the facility and to a park adjacent to the facility. She benefited greatly from these walks, being outdoors and though she may not have been conversational and or personable, the companionship and the exercise were both very good for her body and spirit. As the disease progressed, she lost the strength and the ability to go on walks, however I did spend a great amount of time visiting with her, helping to feed her, change her and brush her hair just telling her that I love her so much. I cherish that time I spent with her, as it was very meaningful to me.
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Reply to Anniemc
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Truly only you can measure the cost-benefits of this; you are the one who is there, observing and talking with staff. If there is only a SHORT TERM distress in coming home, and staff tells you she adjusts well and quickly once she understands she isn't leaving again with you, then I say go for this if it makes a nice afternoon for her. But if it disrupts the rest of the day it is best not done. A bit of boredom is the norm for us elders (I say that as someone approaching 83. We can no longer do all the activities that once kept us humming in a sort of Zen state as we puttered about dusting, mopping, ironing, doing the wash, tending the garden and cooking. There's quite simply less on our dance cards, and we get to sound a bit like children with the "I am BORED" litany. You aren't/can't be responsible for happiness, and quite honestly, "Happy-ALL-the-time" isn't real life, no matter your age.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I think if you take her out for a few hours, she'll be tired enough not to worry about going back,just don't take her home or family's homes.
My mother just loved going to the casino! She enjoyed the ride down (45 minutes) and usually napped on the way back to the facility. We even had a few overnights that she enjoyed, she just had her rolling walker and boogie on. The food was delicious, variety instead of bland. Things did get to a point where she couldn't go anymore but she had a good time while she could. I'm going to say that if for any reason she doesn't take it well going back, just don't take her out again. Say, mom we can go out but we've got to come back here,what do you think? Just because they have to be confined doesn't mean you can't set them free once in a while. I still have car conversations with her while I'm driving alone. I don't miss hauling the walker everywhere, here you go mom,just wait here while I park the car. Of course, it's up to you as you know more about her decline than anyone else.
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Reply to JuliaH
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I found when I took my husband out, he became very confused and agitated. To much going on around them that he didn’t feel safe. Even his favorite restaurant was not any good anymore. They need the consistency of their surroundings. Everything is confusing for them. Most of the time he asked to go back home, meaning the facility.
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Reply to Warrenswife
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I would not, too early in her placement. Give her at least another 2 months to acclimate and then decide from there.

My step-mother who had FTD, was afraid when she was taken out of her safe place, we stopped taking her out to lunch.
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Reply to MeDolly
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Try a short trip to the store. Or to a local park for a picknick lunch. Or out for an ice cream.
DO NOT drive anywhere near where she used to live.
DO not bring her to your home or the home of a relative.
When you bring her back to the facility before you leave either get her busy doing something or if she is tired get her settled in a chair or into bed for a rest.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Marcia22 Aug 3, 2025
So, it's not good to bring them to your house anymore? On the holidays, I like to bring my dad to our house.

I had wanted to take him to a family reunion near his house. The memory care facility said no not if for a long period of time. They said for a day trip like to a park or something. His cousin wanted him to come to their wedding. It would be for the whole weekend. I think that's out.

I would like to have a birthday party for him in Sept. Maybe go to a park. That sounds like a good possibility. Some of his family won't bring their kids to a memory care. Seems like none of our family comes to visit him. The rest of his nieces and nephews, cousins and brother lives near KC, MO which is over 4 hours away from our house.
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