Is it normal to feel panicky and like I'm suffocating in this ICU room with my dad?

I have been talking about this kind of feelings with my therapist yesterday.
Mum is at home, her situation is not that bad but lately she is shrinking I think she is 25kg and she is suffering a lot because of her back (vertebral fractures). I take care of her, we (my husband, my son and myself) eat with her but I do not spend much time entertaining her. I noticed I would just get depressed and anxious. I would cry and won't be able to think clearly... This would result in worse cares. I first thought I was abandoning her but actually taking a step back is helping me to better help her. No guilt. It would just be useless that the 2 of us suffer. And I would not be able to plan all the things she needs. That is not selfishness but self-defense.
So go outside of the room and walk or read, have a coffee when you think you need it. It is not bad to care for yourself!

Your loved one is going to eventually die no matter what is done.

I don't know the age or physical ailment your father has, but if it is "end stage" you may want to discuss with your father and family end-of-life care instead of constantly trying to save him, which can cause a great deal of suffering. DNR simply means no heroics...no chest compressions (which can break ribs) and no forced intubation. My mom was always DNR, but I made certain she was medically treated. I always kept my mom comfortable and did not let her suffer. In other words, if she were unconscious in a coma, let her go. Mom was under hospice for 2 years. But I used them like a home clinic--I got her routine labs and medications ordered. So it was all good.

If your father has a very enlarged heart and low ejection fraction, death by fatal arrhythmia such as Ventricular fibrillation is painless--they quickly go unconscious and die without suffering. With a DNR order, they let them go since they will have to be revived using CPR (chest compressions and intubation). Anything else such as pneumonia they treat like fluids and antibiotics.

DNR/hospice should be discussed with your father (if he is able) and family. It is called Advanced Directives. If your father is unable to make decisions you need a family conference what to do next.

Meanwhile I hope you got pre-planned funeral or cremations arrangements. When he dies you must find a funeral home very quickly because the hospital cannot store the body for long. If he has no pre-arrangements, you make that a top priority. Do it now. All of that will be thrust upon the family when he dies. You also need estate planning, and a will. Who will be trustee. That sort of thing.

IF your father wants everything done, then you honor his wish and this cycle will continue until he dies. Possibly with broken ribs from CPR. But that is how ugly "full code" is. Life can be very ugly and cruel because that is life.

I miss my mom. But mom died very peacefully and I do mean peacefully, and her ordeal of living is over. I suffer her loss everyday -- but she is forever free with everlasting peace.

I kept my mom out of the hospital except when she had to have a feeding tube. I got that put in because I did not want her to die slowly of dehydration which can take weeks. I did it for comfort. To this day I'm glad I did it because mom's needs were all met and she really truly died peacefully. THough that was a last resort because feeding tubes are a LOT of work to keep patent and clean, and free of infection. I used a tube top from Amazon to cover the tubing. Mom never bothered it. Not once. Yes she was still a DNR even with the feeding tube.

I felt the same dread in ICUs. In my experience, hospitals are not healing places. They sometimes help with treatment, but healing, in my personal observation, comes at home. When home can no longer provide the needs, ICUs are a sad alternative.

Sorry for my downer message. But this is my experience.

It is not selfish or unusual to have those feelings. I don't know if your dad is on life support, or if he speaks to you at all during your visits. However, I would speak with a social worker about your feelings. You are not gonna change your dad health sitting in ICU. You however, may make yourself emotionally ill you won't recover easily.
Taking breaks, for an hour or so, reducing your visit times is a good idea. Your dad knows you love him, he also wouldn't want you to be emotionally or physically exhausted watching him die.
Mt mom in law always said she didn't want anyone around when she took her last breath. She got her wish. 35 minutes after visiting hours was over, she passed peacefully. The doctors don't know exactly when someone will pass. All wad good such as blood pressure, breathing etc., when everyone left.

Best wishes.
Tare care of yourself you have a husband who needs you too.

You MUST take good care of YOU FIRST, then, if you have the time and are able, you can be there for others. Being a care giver is one of the most difficult things...be strong, give yourself a break every single day, and know that in spite of all that we do/don't do, everyone has an expiration date. We can't change that.

It’s extremely difficult to watch a parent decline. Please don’t feel guilty if you need a break. Your dad absolutely knows how much that you love him. He wouldn’t want you to be in a panicked state.

Is there a chapel in the hospital. I have always gone to the chapel to pray in the hospital. I would tell the nurse that I am going to the chapel and they always told me that they would send someone to get me if they needed me.

I often found peace and strength after a short visit in the chapel.

Don’t wear yourself out. Please rest when you need to.

You may want to speak with the social worker as well. Or the chaplain at the hospital.

Keep us posted. We care.

I doubt your dad wants you to ruin your emotional health by sitting in his ICU room with him day and night, to the point where you're suffering panic/anxiety attacks. You're not selfish in the least. Quite the opposite. You're putting so much pressure on yourself to be there every waking moment for your dad that you're going to need hospitalization yourself soon if you don't take a break! Create a reasonable schedule now. Sit with dad for 2 hours and then have lunch. Then sit with him for an hour and take a walk. Make a phone call. Stay connected to yourself and the outside world while you spend time with him. Care for YOU at the same time. Taking a break for your own sanity and mental health should cause you no guilt! You are human and need to treat youself accordingly.

When my dad was on hospice and at end of life in his ALF room, I kept having to leave because of feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Fear, panic, dread.....you name it, I was feeling it. How should a daughter feel during such a time? It was tough, so I had to care for myself or I knew I'd be a basket case in need of medical help in short order. So I gave myself permission to take breaks and to relax and even to cry it all out of my system.

Please give yourself permission to do the same. You deserve to. Wishing you courage and strength at this difficult time. Hugs

They do not make it comfortable for family thats for sure.

Just want to say, you could be there 23 hrs and 59 min and he may pass that minute you weren't there. So if you feel you need to be there, take breaks. Go someplace close by for lunch or dinner. Call a friend to join you. You can go later and leave early. Maybe take a day off.

To answer your question, I think it's totally normal considering where you are and all you're doing for him. I think the others have given some really good answers and I don't have a lot to add.

ICU rooms are no fun. They have a smell and sound that are distinctive, and you never forget. At least I don't. The last time my Dad was in one last summer, I was hungry and he had a cornbread muffin with his lunch he didn't want, so I ate it. For some reason every time I eat cornbread now I'm back in that ICU room with my Dad. Kind of takes the enjoyment out of cornbread now.

Sounds like you were having a bit of a panic attack or anxiety attack. Probably stemming from lack of sleep and seeing the father you love in this condition. You may want to try to take more breaks during the day, and go outside for some fresh air and a change of scenery. I'm sure his nurses have your cell number, should any changes happen while you've stepped out. You must take care of yourself too.

When my husband would end up in the hospital(and he did quite a bit over the years)because his speech was so limited from his stroke, I felt that I had to be at the hospital as much as possible to be his mouth. I would get to the hospital around 8:00 a.m.(or earlier) and leave around 8:00 p.m. It was exhausting, but I always made sure to take breaks, and go sit in the hospital restaurant, just to get away for a bit.

We're all human and we all have our breaking points. If you don't take care of you, no on else with, so please start now. You need a good nights sleep. Perhaps tomorrow you can go to see him at 11:00 instead, and leave a little earlier. Wishing you the best.

No one has to worry about “normal” or “not normal” when someone you love is very ill.

There is no “selfish” either.

Do what sustains you in the moment. Leave the room, look outside a hospital window to see if you can find some little something like a bird to focus on, just for a moment.

Feel the love your dad feels for you, and realize that his love asks only of you right now to stay as well as you can. Send loving thoughts to him when you’re away from his room.

Stressing yourself to the last inch of yourself won’t make Dad’s condition better or worse. You have a sweet and stressful responsibility to him, but don’t forget your responsibility to yourself.

You are living a life of loving him. Don’t worry about the moments you leave to refresh your spirit. Instead, honor those moments and let them bring peace to your heart.

Love for another is never lost, nor is it wasted.

God bless you. You’re doing the best you can. Your father knows this, and treasures it, even if he can’t express it.

Now, go take a walk outside. Drink water and eat. Connect with the local hospital caregiver support group, if they have one. Or, do something for your wellbeing because it sounds like you are reaching burnout.

I did the same as you for my husband. I actually slept at the hospital with him because he had separation anxiety, and I felt guilty when I had to leave. When the pandemic hit, and I wasn’t permitted in the hospital at all, I felt a strange sensation of freedom and relief. It was also at that time that he experienced acceptance and peace with his condition.

You've probably heard it over and over, but it’s true: You need to take care of yourself to be able to be there for someone else. It’s not selfish at all.

*hugs!*

Shellb, big (((((hugs)))))).

Is your dad on hospice? If he is there should be a social worker that you can reach out to. If not, please ask the nurse at the desk to call the chaplain or social worker on call. You need support right now.

It is not at all unusual to panic in the way that you are experiencing.