Is it normal to feel panicky and like I'm suffocating in this ICU room with my dad?
My dad has been in the hospital for two weeks and I've been here everyday except two days because my husband was really sick. I usually stay anywhere from 9 to 6 hours with him each day and I leave when visiting hours are over. I'm the only family he has here because he lives with my spouse and I. So I've been the only person he's seen that he loves and cares for. It's breaking my heart watching him decline in here and there's nothing I can do. I've felt pretty strong up until today though. I got here at 8:30am and will stay until 6pm but I started to panic and get anxious. I started feeling suffocated and like I had to get out of this room. I think coming here everyday seeing my dad in this condition is becoming too much for me but I'm all he has and I feel if I don't come sit with him everyday he will miss me or feel I abandoned him. I ended up taking 20 minutes to get some fresh air outside and call my mom who was a caretaker for her mother and late husband. I cried to her that I feel guilty if I don't stay in his room with him because what else could possibly be more important at this time....but truth is I'm emotionally drained and this anticipatory grief is taking over my life. Any advice? Is it normal to feel you have to get out of their hospital room? Am I being selfish? How can I get through this without losing my mind over all this?
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When my dad was on hospice and at end of life in his ALF room, I kept having to leave because of feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Fear, panic, dread.....you name it, I was feeling it. How should a daughter feel during such a time? It was tough, so I had to care for myself or I knew I'd be a basket case in need of medical help in short order. So I gave myself permission to take breaks and to relax and even to cry it all out of my system.
Please give yourself permission to do the same. You deserve to. Wishing you courage and strength at this difficult time. Hugs
Is your dad on hospice? If he is there should be a social worker that you can reach out to. If not, please ask the nurse at the desk to call the chaplain or social worker on call. You need support right now.
It is not at all unusual to panic in the way that you are experiencing.
Just want to say, you could be there 23 hrs and 59 min and he may pass that minute you weren't there. So if you feel you need to be there, take breaks. Go someplace close by for lunch or dinner. Call a friend to join you. You can go later and leave early. Maybe take a day off.
There is no “selfish” either.
Do what sustains you in the moment. Leave the room, look outside a hospital window to see if you can find some little something like a bird to focus on, just for a moment.
Feel the love your dad feels for you, and realize that his love asks only of you right now to stay as well as you can. Send loving thoughts to him when you’re away from his room.
Stressing yourself to the last inch of yourself won’t make Dad’s condition better or worse. You have a sweet and stressful responsibility to him, but don’t forget your responsibility to yourself.
You are living a life of loving him. Don’t worry about the moments you leave to refresh your spirit. Instead, honor those moments and let them bring peace to your heart.
Love for another is never lost, nor is it wasted.
Now, go take a walk outside. Drink water and eat. Connect with the local hospital caregiver support group, if they have one. Or, do something for your wellbeing because it sounds like you are reaching burnout.
I did the same as you for my husband. I actually slept at the hospital with him because he had separation anxiety, and I felt guilty when I had to leave. When the pandemic hit, and I wasn’t permitted in the hospital at all, I felt a strange sensation of freedom and relief. It was also at that time that he experienced acceptance and peace with his condition.
You've probably heard it over and over, but it’s true: You need to take care of yourself to be able to be there for someone else. It’s not selfish at all.
*hugs!*
When my husband would end up in the hospital(and he did quite a bit over the years)because his speech was so limited from his stroke, I felt that I had to be at the hospital as much as possible to be his mouth. I would get to the hospital around 8:00 a.m.(or earlier) and leave around 8:00 p.m. It was exhausting, but I always made sure to take breaks, and go sit in the hospital restaurant, just to get away for a bit.
We're all human and we all have our breaking points. If you don't take care of you, no on else with, so please start now. You need a good nights sleep. Perhaps tomorrow you can go to see him at 11:00 instead, and leave a little earlier. Wishing you the best.
ICU rooms are no fun. They have a smell and sound that are distinctive, and you never forget. At least I don't. The last time my Dad was in one last summer, I was hungry and he had a cornbread muffin with his lunch he didn't want, so I ate it. For some reason every time I eat cornbread now I'm back in that ICU room with my Dad. Kind of takes the enjoyment out of cornbread now.
Is there a chapel in the hospital. I have always gone to the chapel to pray in the hospital. I would tell the nurse that I am going to the chapel and they always told me that they would send someone to get me if they needed me.
I often found peace and strength after a short visit in the chapel.
Don’t wear yourself out. Please rest when you need to.
You may want to speak with the social worker as well. Or the chaplain at the hospital.
Keep us posted. We care.
Taking breaks, for an hour or so, reducing your visit times is a good idea. Your dad knows you love him, he also wouldn't want you to be emotionally or physically exhausted watching him die.
Mt mom in law always said she didn't want anyone around when she took her last breath. She got her wish. 35 minutes after visiting hours was over, she passed peacefully. The doctors don't know exactly when someone will pass. All wad good such as blood pressure, breathing etc., when everyone left.
Best wishes.
Tare care of yourself you have a husband who needs you too.
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