Dad has been in his LTC facility for a little over 2 years. Between lockdown and his bout with Covid, he’s moved twice, but for the past 7 months has resided in his newest room. It’s very spacious and nicely decorated (by me) with many finishing touches from his previous house.
Although dad has dementia, he is somewhat high functioning most of the time. He has his moments, but they have more to do with confusion and following the rules of a facility vs his private residence where he resided for 53 years. He does require assistance with bathing, dressing, and sometimes cleaning up after toileting (at times), but other than that, he eats on his own, and does his own thing. He loves to talk to the staff.
Usually, dad thinks he works there. He talks to many of the residents (as an employee would) and gets very anxious when residents are upset (asking to go home etc.) and he can’t calm them down. (again, he thinks he works there so he tries to help - usually deferring to me by phone haha).
There is a resident across the hall from his room who is much younger than most of the residents. I don’t think has dementia, but he’s completely immobile (maybe from a stroke). This man spends most of his days in bed (and since he is completely and totally dependent on the staff), he yells out constantly for a nurse, an aide, or just plain help. This goes on every day throughout the day. Sadly, I hear it whenever I talk to dad on the phone and whenever I visit in his room (which is usually have to remain due to guidelines). It’s constant and it drives my dad crazy.
I've brought this up to the aides when I’m there, as well as the asst administrator, and the asst nursing director. Everyone says that this is what this resident does, but it’s upsetting to my father (which is very upsetting to me). I visit dad at least 4 times a week, and unfortunately, I RARELY see anyone helping this poor resident - hence the constant yelling. (I think it’s become the boy that cried wolf). It disrupts my visits with dad as well as my phone calls with him (and frankly gives me such an uneasy feeling about the facility.) A few weeks ago, I actually went into this mans room to try and see what he wanted - and was reprimanded a few days later. (Apparently someone saw me go in, but chose not to go in themselves).
I want to talk to administration again because something has to change. If they tell me that the only option is to move my dad, I don’t know what to do. Honestly if I had to move my dad, I’d love to try assisted living (which is in the same facility). I’ve broached AL before, but they’ve always told me that their concern is that dad may wander “out” of AL and that would be a problem. AL is quite a bit less $ than what dad is paying now, even if he’s at the highest level of care. I’m wondering if they are reluctant to help me find a solution because they would be losing his almost 15k/month for LTC. Ugh I just don’t know what to do. Is there a way to make AL work if dad has confusion from time to time?
The resident you refer to in the SNF has issues that you are unfamiliar with, but that the staff IS familiar with. The fact that he 'disrupts' your visits or your father's state of mind doesn't mean that the man is not properly cared for by the staff. You are only seeing a small chunk of time and knowing a tiny bit of his backstory, but assuming he's being 'neglected' by the staff at the SNF, which is kind of unfair to them. You have to either trust the SNF or distrust them and move your father out of there entirely, realizing that no place on earth is going to be 100% 'perfect' and no resident with dementia is going to be acting 'normal', either. It's the nature of the beast. When my mother was in a local SNF for rehab, she was highly aggravated by the noise in hallway made by staff running carts over the tiled floors; it drove her crazy. I told her to shut the door to drown out the noise as a coping mechanism, which she refused to do. Or wear earplugs, which she also refused to do.
Dementia is not totally consistent 100% of the time for anyone suffering with it. My mother has good days and bad days herself which does not mean she isn't afflicted with dementia or that she doesn't belong in Memory Care AL. She also needs help with dressing, showering and is wheelchair bound, but perfectly able to feed herself. She's fallen 32x while in Memory Care the past 22 months.........so I'm nothing but thankful she's there, frankly. She needs the care they give her, that's for sure.
Whatever you choose to do, remember that the more moves your dad makes, the worse it is for his cognition. Moves = confusion. Getting used to new surroundings and new people = confusion. No place is perfect. You may wind up moving him from the frying pan into the fire without knowing what the final result will be until it's too late. Weigh the pros and the cons of his current SNF before you make any decisions, and judge ONLY the care HE is getting himself from the staff, that's my suggestion.
Best of luck!
My dads facility had “transition unit”. Basically a step below “memory care” and a step above regular AL. Primarily for those who are at risk of wandering but otherwise fine to be there. My dad had to leave b/c he wasn’t able to ambulate for the minimum distance. Now he’s with us. It was a good facility @ approx 5k per mo. They had the ‘all included format’. Didn’t pay xtra for certain assistance etc
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My aunt with advanced dementia cries "Help!" all the time now. Last week she was in my car (with her sister) at a bank waiting for me to come out. She was yelling and someone called the police. Just because she yells it doesn't mean she actually needs help. This is probably true of the immobile resident in your dad's facility. That's why you don't see people running into his room every time he calls out.
You should not have gone into his room. You go and alert the staff and let them handle it. That being said, I totally understand and agree that the yelling would drive anyone nuts. I would keep pressing the admin for solutions...maybe they can relocate this person to a wing that has fewer other residents? Is this person newer? Maybe admin needs time to figure out what to do. In the meantime, be persistent in the follow-up with them (but polite). I hope this can be solved for your dad's sake.
The behavior of his neighbor is out of your control and largely out of the staff's control, unless they treat him for anxiety or with some psychotropic drugs. His constant call for help, or just attention, may be because of his disease (you say you don't think he has dementia), or he may think he's just ignored or under served. There just isn't enough staff to cater to his every call (at $15K/mo maybe they should). There was a lady in my wife's facility who constantly yelled “help me, help me”. At times it was disruptive, but MC can be like that. Most residents have no control over their behavior. I would suggest that you leave dad where he is and just grin and bear it.
2) At current facility, ask for dad to be moved to different room away from the yelling resident.
While dad had mixed dementia he was never on the MC floor. I was really surprised he never got on the elevator and tried to wheel himself back to the AL apartment he shared with mom. He wandered, but luckily just on the floor - there were a couple of times I had trouble finding him.
What the others have said about disruption is true. While I was visiting with my father one day a couple of elderly ladies almost got into a physical altercation in the common area. They had moved dad's power recliner from his room to the common area because they could keep an eye on him - trying to mitigate my dad's penchant for falling.
I do understand that the facility doesn't want to move your father to AL because he might wander out of the facility and come to harm. (I remember news stories from decades ago reporting some poor soul sneaking out of his nursing home and freezing to death. Just because he doesn't wander now, doesn't mean he won't do it in the future. To the facility it's too much of a risk.
I'm with the others, there are going to be disturbances wherever he goes and moving could negatively affect his cognition. If it were me, I wouldn't move him unless your father isn't receiving good care. Continue communication with the administration about the situation.
Good luck.
In mom's MC, there were all types. Some very "with it", others not so much. They do tend to range in ability/capability - the nature of dementia. There was one man who was there for a while who was like your dad's neighbor - always calling out, crying, even swearing. It would upset several of the women. I tried to help out by suggesting they try to ignore it or laugh it off. I told them that sadly he can't help it or control himself. I only recall him being there a few months. Most likely at some point the facility suggested he move. He WAS somewhat disruptive, mostly verbally, but he would too often managed to wiggle himself down until he'd slide to the floor, again calling out loudly for HELP HELP! Other than suggesting some prescription to the family, to try to tone this down, there's not much they can do.
I wouldn't recommend moving your dad to AL, for the reasons many others gave. It isn't secure and although he may not be a wanderer, there's also no way to know if/when that would happen! My YB kept insisting mom would prefer AL. When I mentioned that it isn't locked and no one is monitoring the door, he replied that she doesn't wander now. No, of course not, but 1) that could change and 2) she would NOT be in her own place. Why would anyone want to take that chance? Too many stories out there about those who HAVE wandered off and it didn't end well.
IF there was a way to change his or the neighbor's room to a location farther away, it might help resolve that issue, but it won't eliminate it. Your dad is a very caring type person and he wants to be helpful. That is good on one level - it gives him a "purpose." However, it's also difficult when he tries to help and can't resolve the other person's issue(s).
IF he can take suggestions from you, perhaps you could direct him to seek staff to help when he can't resolve another person's angst. Otherwise, you'll just have to grin and bear it. Whether on the phone or in person, work on redirecting his focus onto something else, as best you can. Even if they are able to move this neighbor, there will always be some other person who might not respond to your dad's attempts to "help" them. More than likely, he'd encounter this most any place you move him to. As hard as it is to try to help/deal with your dad's issues, I would be thankful he IS the helpful type and not one of those who have issues like those he tries to help! It sounds like he was a great dad before dementia kicked in, so he's still trying to be that person.
minister to the needs of one of its residents, there is probably another facility that would provide a better placement. Ignoring a troublesome patient that is disturbing other residents is a red flag.
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