Is constantly complaining about money to elderly with memory problems considered elder abuse?

Sounds quite annoying. Good for you for looking out for grandma. Is she moving to LTC soon? Taking care of her is, I'm sure, a lot of work. Don't get burnt out.

This relative, do they understand that grandma is not quite all there? If so, then it's on the abusive side. If not, then it's just annoying.

I would get in touch with this person (in writing would be easier and less confrontational) and just plainly and nicely state the facts that any money she gives to them will have to be paid back for her to qualify for medicaid. That she doesn't remember giving them money in the past. That she loves them and wants to help them, but she really CAN'T. That you're sorry they are having issues but could they please resolve them in another way??

Good luck.

This person is attempting to take advantage of a vulnerable adult which is indeed a crime. If you feel brave enough to talk to this person, you might tell them you're wise to what they're doing, what they've done in the past, and the police have been apprised of the situation. (Do it, too.)

I guarantee you the offer of a place to live with them will evaporate overnight.

There's one in every family, for sure.

If this family member doesn't stop asking for money, I'd consult a lawyer who could do a quick "cease and desist" letter--just tough enough to scare the freeloader. They need to know there are eyes on the problem.

Maybe Grandma should not have the total access to her funds--perhaps requiring a 2nd signature on all checks and someone to keep tabs on her spending. If she's not remembering giving away money, that is scary. I imagine the relative is taking full advantage of that.

I hope someone has POA and grandma has been found incompetent. Then that person can take over her bank accts.

"because the small amount I receive goes toward taking care of HER! " What small amt do you receive and if she can write checks for thousands, why are you not using her money. She does receive SS doesn't she?

You mention ur caring for a mother too, where is she in all of this.

How sad! You have enough on your plate without having to deal with this.

Good responses to this situation. I will only add to
do whatever you feel is best for your grandmother.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Who is this relative?

I don't say I'd do it, but my sister would - pick up the phone and say "stop asking Grandma for money. The cash she got for the car has to be spent on her care for Medicaid qualification, so she can't afford to give it to you; and anyway even if she could she feels emotionally blackmailed by your continual complaints and that's financial abuse."

Of course, you may go on to find that in fact Grandma is offering them money unsolicited and brings the subject up on her own initiative with them. In which case you have bigger problems.

No, it is not abuse. But it is very BAD BEHAVIOR and can endanger an elder that they supposedly love.
You need to take charge of the accounts. I handled my brother's accounts for him. He had a small spending account that was his own to do with as he pleased. So that way she will not have control of the money and they can say what they wish. If she will not allow this then you need to tell the people doing this that they will not be allowed communications other than on speaker phone if this continues as the consequences for this elder could be dire, and you cannot allow that.

MAYBE NOT ELDER ABUSE PER SE...BUT IT CERTAINLY IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO HAVING A PEACEFUL HOUSE FOR YOU AND GRANDMA. I SUPPOSE CHANGING THE PHONE NUMBER WOULD NOT BE AN OPTION FOR YOU? MAYBE TURN THE RINGER OFF FOR A PERIOD OF TIME...SAY AT MEAL TIMES, BATH TIME, NAP TIME, BEDTIME. IF YOU DON'T HAVE VOICEMAIL SET UP VOICEMAIL WHERE GRANDMA CAN'T HEAR IT. THIS IS A BETTER WAY OF STOPPING SOME OF THE CALLS GETTING TO GRANDMA. SHE DOES NOT NEED THAT AGGRAVATION AT THIS TIME OF HER LIFE. SHE NEEDS A PEACEFUL HOME. PUT A SIGN ON THE FRONT DOOR TELLING PEOPLE THAT THIS IS A NAPTIME AND TO PLEASE DO NOT RING DOORBELL NOR KNOCK ON DOOR. MAYBE SILENCE THE DOORBELL IF YOU KNOW HOW. AND DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR IF YOU ARE NOT EXPECTING ANYONE. GIVE GRANDMA SOME PEACE AND QUIET. ENGAGE HER WITH A GOSPEL MESSAGE ON CHRISTIAN TELEVISION. SONLIFE BROADCASTING NETWORK IS ON 24/7 ON CHARTER CABLE.
HELP TO SING SOME OF THE OLD HYMNS. YOU WILL BOTH BENEFIT WITH MAKING NEW MEMORIES FOR YOU AND HER.

My answer is that it not helpful to be complaining to anyone but especially your grandma or whomever she is to him I would say it is bordering on abuse and very close to a scam which is unlawful but hard to prove. The next time you answer the phone before grandma answers and it is this relative on the other end tell him what's what and tell him no more calls no more money and if he doesn't stop report him to police. You can have them puts tap on your phone and hopefully they catch him.of course must be a land line. If cell record the call and see if they can help. If that doesn't work call the aged protection service APS. GOOD LUCK TO YOU HOPE THIS INFO HELPS.

Call Adult Protective Services or police. This appears to be a case of fraud. You can file a restraint order against this person with the police.

If g'ma mentions that they asked for money or implied that they were short on cash for a debt/bill, call them later from a private area. Explain to them that you understand it may have just come up in conversation, but it makes g'ma want to help. She can't help because Medicaid is already tracking her money. Any thing she gives away could strip her of this benefit and she needs to be able to get the services or facility care later on. They may not really understand how Medicaid works and g'ma may have helped out in the past.

I wouldn't think bring it up with the hopes of getting a handout would be considered elder abuse. Abuse would be something like you having access to her money and using it for your own gain.

Is grandma receiving a Social security check/deposit? Contact SS and report fraud/scam attempt. While she may not be giving money or she is giving small amounts. SS office maybe able to help you prevent her from getting swindled. Also, contact APS thet maybe able to enforce some kind of system that would help.

Since you already have control of her funds (except perhaps the hidden car money), at least the drain should have stopped. If possible, try to locate the money she has hidden. I wouldn't mention the car cash to this relative - it would likely just ramp up the requests!

If it is only phone calls from the relative, can you find a way to prevent the calls? Turn the ringer off and let all calls go to voicemail. If they can't reach her by phone, the requests, and therefore the arguments, will stop. If they are coming to the residence, don't let them in. If grandma is able to let them in, then the next step is likely threat of restraining order. This can be started with a cease and desist letter from an attorney. If that doesn't work, go for the restraining order. If they continue to call or show up, they can be arrested. There's obviously no point in trying to explain anything to this relative, so the blockades need to be set up. If the requests are avoided, the upset goes away. IF it pops into her head (things like this will pop into their head from time to time, esp since it was an ongoing problem for a while), assure her that you will "take care of it." No other discussion other than reassuring her you will see to it (ignoring it, of course!)

Grandma should have no access to any money, either cash, checks or credit cards. While the calls continue, try not to argue with her. It will be fruitless. Just agree with her and say you will send them something, then change the subject. Of course you won't send anything, but that's not the point. You want to calm her from the agitation this relative has caused.

As for the car cash and Medicaid - the funds can either be used for her initial time in LTC and/or setting up a burial account. She is allowed to "spend down" on legitimate needs, like a burial account, and she is allowed to have something like $2000 in an account.

There’s too much information missing for anyone to be able to understand the circumstance and respond in any sort of knowledgeable manner to your question

You said she was going to live with them but they won’t let her bring her dog— and then went onto say in the next sentence that they have nowhere for her to stay?
Who is this person - I don’t know why you kept it vague instead of identifying their relationship to her(?)

She as an adult can give money to who she wants - unless she’s been deemed incompetent to make financial decisions she can choose to do so. Often times when a parent chooses to give money or financial help to an adult child siblings become resentful and claim the parent is being taken advantage of. When one sibling claims this about another sibling I take it with a grain of salt as they’re not an objective person in the situation.

When there’s a senior who helps a child, grandchild, niece or other relative with money it tends to elicit resentment from other relatives if they also aren’t getting money from the senior. Has your grandma been diagnosed and deemed incompetent by a doctor? I found a article by the Advocacy center for the elderly in Toronto, Canada that states in part “even if a person has a diagnosis of mental illness or dementia/ Alzheimer’s does not mean they lack decisional capacity”

Has she been officially deemed so incapable that she lacks decisional capacity? If not then her choosing to give someone help with money. I’m curious what money you get that goes to take care of her? Again bc it’s vague where are you getting the money - if your getting money to take care of her then it goes to you, not her. If you can explain some of these things it would make it easier to answer your question.

It probably is FRAUD.

It sounds like this may be an established relationship, grandma has probably been helping this family member put for years well before her heath needs increased. So while it is totally wrong for this person to milk that every time they talk to grandma to a large degree GM may have created this monster, she may even be the one bringing up the subject in one way or another because it’s the only way she is familiar with of hearing about and being part of this loved ones life, it’s habit and who knows what the root of it is GM feels responsible and gets an emotional benefit from “helping” this person. Truth be told while we may consider this elder abuse GM is giving this money of her own free will and I think it would be a long shot and a very difficult job proving she is being scammed or abused by this family member. Unless of course they have some fiduciary authority for GM my advice would be not to pursue it in advasarial or legal way it’s just going to upset grandma and drive a wedge between you and at least this family member that is important to grandma making a difficult situation worse. Personally I would start with having a private conversation with this person as someone else suggested and explain that while GM wants to keep helping them the way she always has doing so hurts her financially and will prevent her ability to get the care she may need in the future. Things are different now, you have Medicaid watching over her and they will scrutinize even closer when she needs residential care. If this doesn’t work or you feel the next approach is better first, maybe a conversation with this family member and grandma, the three of you where you are helping GM explain why she can no longer help financially, let GM off the hook a bit by explaining the details but this way GM is included and has some control of the conversation while at the same time making it clear this isn’t just your idea, Grandma knows it has to be this way she just falters on her own at great probably detriment to herself. Give this person the avenue to help and protect grandma now that they have the info before causing them of not caring. Even if they stop because they know they are caught GM can believe it’s because they care about her and if they don’t then take more drastic actions like cutting off or monitoring phone calls, preventing GM from being able to give them money without your “help”...

It is not illegal for her to give her own money away.

We had a SIL that continually made money requests to her mother. When the last request for money was greeted with “sure, let’s draw up the loan agreement” the SIL made one more secretive request (and received the $) and then finally stopped asking.