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I take care of grandma and there is a relative that calls every day complaining about money. Grandma is constantly wanting to send money to them- she loves them very much. She doesn’t consider/understand/care this could affect her Medicaid. She has to qualify for LTC because the small amount I receive goes toward taking care of HER! I can’t stop the calls, but I’m on the verge of making ultimatums. She planned to live with them but they won’t let her have her dogs and they don’t have anywhere for her to actually stay. Now she is with me. I love my grandma and am trying so hard but this has got to stop. I’m losing my mind. (Side note, since just before I’ve had her and before qualifying for LTC, I learned she has sent this person thousands in the past year and a half alone, I remind her and she says “I did”?)

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No, it is not abuse. But it is very BAD BEHAVIOR and can endanger an elder that they supposedly love.
You need to take charge of the accounts. I handled my brother's accounts for him. He had a small spending account that was his own to do with as he pleased. So that way she will not have control of the money and they can say what they wish. If she will not allow this then you need to tell the people doing this that they will not be allowed communications other than on speaker phone if this continues as the consequences for this elder could be dire, and you cannot allow that.
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There's one in every family, for sure.

If this family member doesn't stop asking for money, I'd consult a lawyer who could do a quick "cease and desist" letter--just tough enough to scare the freeloader. They need to know there are eyes on the problem.

Maybe Grandma should not have the total access to her funds--perhaps requiring a 2nd signature on all checks and someone to keep tabs on her spending. If she's not remembering giving away money, that is scary. I imagine the relative is taking full advantage of that.
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Homecare123 Apr 17, 2021
Now that I am involved and she has qualified for Medicaid, I am very much involved in the financial decisions. So, in many ways the problem is somewhat mitigated. However, it’s a daily conversation and argument that is roundabout and frustrating. Also, we just sold her car and the buyer handed her a wad of cash- even though I requested a money order and while I had my back turned she promptly hid it in her room and declared she was sending it to the family member. It’s just so frustrating. I agree a letter to them is due.
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Who is this relative?

I don't say I'd do it, but my sister would - pick up the phone and say "stop asking Grandma for money. The cash she got for the car has to be spent on her care for Medicaid qualification, so she can't afford to give it to you; and anyway even if she could she feels emotionally blackmailed by your continual complaints and that's financial abuse."

Of course, you may go on to find that in fact Grandma is offering them money unsolicited and brings the subject up on her own initiative with them. In which case you have bigger problems.
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Since you already have control of her funds (except perhaps the hidden car money), at least the drain should have stopped. If possible, try to locate the money she has hidden. I wouldn't mention the car cash to this relative - it would likely just ramp up the requests!

If it is only phone calls from the relative, can you find a way to prevent the calls? Turn the ringer off and let all calls go to voicemail. If they can't reach her by phone, the requests, and therefore the arguments, will stop. If they are coming to the residence, don't let them in. If grandma is able to let them in, then the next step is likely threat of restraining order. This can be started with a cease and desist letter from an attorney. If that doesn't work, go for the restraining order. If they continue to call or show up, they can be arrested. There's obviously no point in trying to explain anything to this relative, so the blockades need to be set up. If the requests are avoided, the upset goes away. IF it pops into her head (things like this will pop into their head from time to time, esp since it was an ongoing problem for a while), assure her that you will "take care of it." No other discussion other than reassuring her you will see to it (ignoring it, of course!)

Grandma should have no access to any money, either cash, checks or credit cards. While the calls continue, try not to argue with her. It will be fruitless. Just agree with her and say you will send them something, then change the subject. Of course you won't send anything, but that's not the point. You want to calm her from the agitation this relative has caused.

As for the car cash and Medicaid - the funds can either be used for her initial time in LTC and/or setting up a burial account. She is allowed to "spend down" on legitimate needs, like a burial account, and she is allowed to have something like $2000 in an account.
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Sarah3 Apr 20, 2021
Unless you read another post by the op than I did, why are you suggesting she prevent her grandma from seeing or talking with someone she said she loves very much. She did not say her grandma is agitated or upset to talk with her loved one. She said she loves them very much.That seems like an abuse of power to me. I’m sure you mean well but there’s so much ageism ingrained in society a lot of people believe a senior is equivalent of a child that you can decide things for them such as preventing them accesss to see or speak with someone they love. I was just consulting yesterday with a woman I met some months ago who is a higher up at a caregiving agency who’s been in it for years and said it always bothers her when she sees this type of thing, seniors are not children.
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We had a SIL that continually made money requests to her mother. When the last request for money was greeted with “sure, let’s draw up the loan agreement” the SIL made one more secretive request (and received the $) and then finally stopped asking.
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Sounds quite annoying. Good for you for looking out for grandma. Is she moving to LTC soon? Taking care of her is, I'm sure, a lot of work. Don't get burnt out.

This relative, do they understand that grandma is not quite all there? If so, then it's on the abusive side. If not, then it's just annoying.

I would get in touch with this person (in writing would be easier and less confrontational) and just plainly and nicely state the facts that any money she gives to them will have to be paid back for her to qualify for medicaid. That she doesn't remember giving them money in the past. That she loves them and wants to help them, but she really CAN'T. That you're sorry they are having issues but could they please resolve them in another way??

Good luck.
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Homecare123 Apr 17, 2021
They are well aware of her mental faculties.
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This person is attempting to take advantage of a vulnerable adult which is indeed a crime. If you feel brave enough to talk to this person, you might tell them you're wise to what they're doing, what they've done in the past, and the police have been apprised of the situation. (Do it, too.)

I guarantee you the offer of a place to live with them will evaporate overnight.
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Call Adult Protective Services or police. This appears to be a case of fraud. You can file a restraint order against this person with the police.
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Sarah3 Apr 20, 2021
Its concerning to see some people automatically assume a senior is being taken advantage of if they choose to help someone they love. I see some of the answers here such as “unplug the phone so as not to allow grandma from talking to her loved one/ don’t allow grandma to see their loved one” and trying to ban her from seeing someone she loves and cares about as an abuse of power. Seniors are not children! Unless grandma has been deemed incapable of decisional capacity which is different than being diagnosed with dementia then she can talk to and see this person who she loves- preventing her from talking with or seeing him or her is an abuse of power.
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If g'ma mentions that they asked for money or implied that they were short on cash for a debt/bill, call them later from a private area. Explain to them that you understand it may have just come up in conversation, but it makes g'ma want to help. She can't help because Medicaid is already tracking her money. Any thing she gives away could strip her of this benefit and she needs to be able to get the services or facility care later on. They may not really understand how Medicaid works and g'ma may have helped out in the past.

I wouldn't think bring it up with the hopes of getting a handout would be considered elder abuse. Abuse would be something like you having access to her money and using it for your own gain.
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My answer is that it not helpful to be complaining to anyone but especially your grandma or whomever she is to him I would say it is bordering on abuse and very close to a scam which is unlawful but hard to prove. The next time you answer the phone before grandma answers and it is this relative on the other end tell him what's what and tell him no more calls no more money and if he doesn't stop report him to police. You can have them puts tap on your phone and hopefully they catch him.of course must be a land line. If cell record the call and see if they can help. If that doesn't work call the aged protection service APS. GOOD LUCK TO YOU HOPE THIS INFO HELPS.
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