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First of all, I'm looking to vent. Occasionally I can't help friction with my father (77) , when I am at their place to take care of demented mom (74) and him.


So, since I have these 3 weeks off I decided to stay with them to provide 24-hour service - cook, clean, everything. And I feel taken for granted by my father - as always. Anyway, I made it clear to him that I am here for mom's sake, and definitely I don't regret that.


My mother is close to last stage - she cannot eat on her own, and she's eating less. To make matters worse, During these week I have given her a small portion of crushed banana, mixed with a bit of yogurt, and honey almost every evening, not knowing that banana can cause constipation. I felt horrible, due to the fact that mom hasn't had a real poop over the 5-6 last days. My younger SIL calmed me down saying with some prune juice and other soup it'll be ok. Or she will manage it better - she's a nurse.


Now, my older SIL had told my father that bananas should be avoided. He didn't tell me. On the contrary, he was asking me to crush a full banana. This morning older SIL came to bring the soup, and I told her you can not rely on my father for anything because he's only interested in watching TV 24h, saying also that I felt like throwing both of TV set out.


Instead of apologizing, he just became defensive saying that bananas do good to some people.
When my SIL left, he told me I was a difficult person, to which I responded: "You'll never say that to me anymore. I am here at your service 24h, while my older brothers haven't seen their mother for a week now - they both upstairs. Go better and deal with them." He continued saying I was disrespectful, and bla bla. I told him I wanted none of his bull, and that everybody gets the respect he deserves. He wanted to go on and on, but I said no more.


When it comes to my older brothers, they don't bother to help my father or mother with housework, cooking, cleaning, or feeding mom. And my father says nothing to them. As a result, he has to cover everything himself, when I am not there. He is rightly served!
Thanks.

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Banana's and cheese will constipate. As a fruit, you would think the opposite. Also, the potassium is not good if you are having kidney problems.

Sometimes you have to tell it like it is. Seems like your Dad is a male chauvinist. Girls do the caring, not boys. You put it on the table when u came to visit. Your there for Mom. Dad is capable of taking care of himself. Tell him you will be respectful when he is. You are now an adult and deserve it as much as he does.
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Tony11 Aug 2021
I thought it was clear from my profile name - I'm a (39 yo) male.
My father is beyond control. Even now he's playing his TV loud in the bedroom, although mom has just fallen asleep. The same thing at 6 am. He doesn't care no matter how many times you bring the problem of the loud TV up.
Sometimes, I don't blame my brothers for considerably disregarding him. I'd do the same, but I can't, due to mother's condition.
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Unripe bananas can cause constpation vs ripe bananas with black specks can usually relieve constipation. I give a ripe banana shake to my mom frequently and her stools are just fine.My mother needs the extra potassium so bananas are a good choice for her per her doctor. She has a history of constipation not at all related to bananas so I am careful what I give her. I would stay away from cheese it can cause severe constipation.My brother used to eat it in moderation and he got so constipated he almost needed bowel surgery. Bananas can cause diarrhea or constipation depending on the individual. Some medications can cause constipation. Drinking a good amount of fluids daily helps prevnet constipation and if the constipation continues check with her doctor. Being constipated can be very painful for the elderly or anyone for that matter. Better to address it sooner than later.
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Tony11 Aug 2021
You're right, thanks. Right away I mentioned it to younger SIL and older brothers to do something immediately. The soup and the prune juice seem to have gotten the job done..
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if she hasn't had a BM for 6-7 days a trip to the OR may be necessary. Call her doctor, it must be painful for her.
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Tony11 Aug 2021
My younger SIL checked mom a few hours ago, and said her condition is under control.
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Relax a little. You might be overreacting a bit. You will probably feel better after your 3 weeks of 24 hour service are done.
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Tony11 Aug 2021
That's true. I know I overreacted a bit because I was so scared. And what really got under my skin was his loud TV 24h, which is often preventing effective communication, which was also the case with my older SIL this morning. It's just too much!
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Tony, in the future add some raisins, dates and/or figs and there won't be any issues with her getting constipated from bananas.

If she doesn't have kidney failure then bananas are a great source of nutrients and simply adding the above will increase the nutritional value.

Well done for stepping in for your mom.
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Tony11 Aug 2021
Thanks. So, can I replace honey with fig jam? And how many times a week should I give this banana concoction to mom? What time of day is best? For breakfast?
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Sounds like you and your father have a classic personality clash, and he uses the TV noise to block communication and avoid another argument. Constipation is often caused by dehydration, especially in the elderly. Keeping the non-caffeinated liquids flowing is good for both bladder and bowels. If you read many of these posts you'll find that most families have only one selfless child willing to help out, while their siblings unashamedly do nothing, and parents that won't speak a negative word about the absentee kids. It makes no sense, but it's the norm for some reason.
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Tony11 Aug 2021
He is obsessed about watching TV no matter who is around. But, you're also right about the personality clash. Plus, the fact of him taking me for granted because, according to him, I can/must be there for him, whenever/however he wants me to. Anyway, recently I have set my own boundaries, too.

On the other hand, as long as I am staying with them 24h, I cannot ignore or tolerate everything. For example, he often doesn't flush water into the squatting toilet, or show enough care in the bathroom because to him the bathroom/toilet area is totally unimportant, as if he is referring to an outside toilet 100 or more years ago - and that surely had to be kept properly, too.

The irony is that while my father shows total attention and devotion to my older brothers, he is met, in turn, with their considerable indifference and lack of attention because, as my sister and I often say, he sells himself short. That's his problem, of course. In my case, total avoidance would be the best option, but I have to be there for mom, which I have made clear to my father on a couple of occasions. This drives him crazy, but I don't really care.
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