Is anybody a caregiver to a loved one with religious obsession?

It's not necessarily a dementia-related thing. Was your father a devout Catholic during his life? Maybe now that he's old he is probably thinking about it more and more. Ask a priest to come and see him and he will counsel him in the faith. It will help your father and put him a bit at ease. With Covid going on, I don't know if priests still can go to a person's house and administer to them. They probably would by video call or phone call though.

I think it would be a good time for you to call his parish priest and explain what's going on with your dad. I would even request that he come to the house and talk to your dad. There's no way you or your siblings will be able to change his belief but maybe someone with a better understanding of the interpretation of the bible might. Call his pastor.

Could be some cognitive decline combined with all the isolation of this past year.

My mom is a devout Catholic living in a Catholic Assited Living facility. The events of 2020 have convinced her that we are indeed now in the end times. The clergy there have encountered this often amongst the residents recently and attempt to provide comfort. It is a good suggestion above that if the priest is able to see your dad or at least call and provide some reassurance that may help.

It was difficult for all the residents at my mom's place as they could not attend daily mass due to being on lockdown. She finally figured out the in house video mass they did daily and watches a lot of EWTN.

The interruption of their previous daily routine and inability to see family has made their already small world, smaller and she focuses on negative things like that. It's hard not to be obsessed and draw conclusions. All the news is so negative. I've had to take a few news breaks myself.

The priest there suggested that she say an extra rosary or two and the reciting of it does seem to calm her down but I imagine if your dad is devout he probably is already doing that. The priest at her place suggested that we call her and say the rosary with her over the phone and despite hearing challenges she likes that. I am not such a good Catholic girl anymore but I have found it soothing also.

Blessings to you and your dad. I hope he finds some comfort and reassurance and that you do as well. Those are difficult conversations to have with a parent.

We are a Catholic family also. I think obsession can happen in any denomination or a non denominational church as well.

I know an older woman who is like your dad.

She constantly talks about Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all of the angels and saints!

I decided to ask her why she constantly spoke about religious topics.

I was curious what motivated her to speak endlessly about religion.

I listened without judging her. I was surprised to find out her reason for her obsession.

Her faith was a great comfort to her but she wasn’t at peace. She was desperately trying to settle things in her heart.

She was afraid to die. She was riddled with guilt about what she perceived as grievous ‘sins’ that she committed.

She had been divorced. I knew that she was abused in her marriage.

I explained that the church did not frown on people who left a marriage due to abuse.

I encouraged her to speak to a priest to learn how things stand now in the church.

A long time ago things were handled differently in all religions.

Divorce was frowned upon. Other things were too.

I think sometimes older people get stuck in mindsets from the past.

Sometimes people are fanatics. Was your dad always like this or is it a new behavior?

It is always a good idea to check if there are medical reasons for certain behaviors.

Best wishes to you and your dad.

With your Dads age and his deafness, I would say there is some cognitive impairment. Its been proven that the deaf will likely have a Dementia.

I am not Catholic but I know when your Dad was growing up the religion was much stricter. My Aunt was married in 1958 and had to get permission to marry my Protestant Uncle and have her Protestant BF stand with her. My Uncle had to sign something saying my cousins would be raised Catholic.

Maybe Dad needs to hear that God forgives. God realizes we are not perfect and never will be. As long as we are aware of our shortcomings, we strive to be better, we ask God to forgive us and mean it, to me thats all God asks of me. We learn thru our mistakes and hopefully are better for them.

I am divorced. God gave me a good man the second time around. We've been married 40 yrs.

If this is new for him, then more than likely his dementia has deepened this religiosity. What is disturbing about it is more than he is concentrating on the sort of "old testament" God-as-wrath, rather than the new testament teaching of resurrection and love and forgiveness.
Since your Dad is a Catholic I would go to his local Parish and ask your most kind Priest to come and visit with him. They would have a good conversation, I would think. You could also probably help by reading him the more beautiful passages from the bible, those that are uplifting, and of joy. Try to steer his belief toward the positive messages given.
Most of my nursing career was spent at a Catholic Hospital where we had a roving Nun on the floors at all time. She was a marvelous woman, salt of the earth and both feet on the ground. She was such a comfort to ALL patients, but most of all to those suffering from religiosity combined with mental illness. A marvelous soul she was, and full of gentle humor. I saw her presence calm many a troubled soul.

One of the major symptom of my mother's vascular dementia was anxiety. She also had aphasia from a stroke, so she had difficulty expressing herself. Her major sources of anxity were "Catholic guilt" and the IRS. NO AMOUNT of explanation or calming talks with her priest worked.

Antidepressant and antianxiety medication did wonders for her and gave her peace at the end of her life.

Nazdrovia,

He’s seriously misguided in his beliefs. It’s very sad.

I don’t know if you can convince him of anything because he has dug his heels in. He believes what he believes or he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know!

You know the truth and I think it is wonderful that you aren’t influenced by his belief system which is not only inaccurate but destructive to him and works on your last nerve.

By the way, your husband sounds like a gem!

Vent all you like. We understand how you feel and can empathize with you.

Most of us know people who have the same attitude that your father has.

It’s a shame that he is so close minded. I truly feel that this is his core personality according to the information that you offered but I also believe that cognitive decline makes the situation worse.

What are your feelings on him taking medications to possibly help control his emotions about certain subjects?

Would he consider taking medication to ease his anxiety?

I think it is sad that some of the older Catholics still so believe in last rites, and in the need for confession and forgiveness, and N. it is so sad that your Dad forgets he was forgiven. Just remind him, and tell all the GOOD things, let him have his little altar to Mary, or whatever, as I believe old believers believe she intercedes for everyone. Remind your Dad that all humans are imperfect and it is only required that we seek forgiveness for mistakes and learn, and reassure him that he has. I am sorry his faith is not now a comfort for him, but a torment. I agree on the "catholic guilt" thing and for some, in the old days, the schools had a rather harsh rule by some of the nuns. I think in extreme old age and dementia there is a tendency to return back to those harsh times. Just fine all the passages you can in the new testament on love and forgiveness and his place in heaven, anything that can comfort him. You may enjoy the beauty and poetry of the passages yourself as well. Hope things go better and hope you will update us.

Probably not relevant, but I was very curious about ‘predictions of the Blessed Virgin’, as there is nothing about this in the Bible. I found that they started in 1917 with the Fatima ‘apparitions’ to three Portuguese shepherd boys, and have been coming thick and fast in the last few years. The dire warnings sound more like Jim Jones than Catholicism. Just be re-assured that this is simply the way that your father’s brain is deteriorating. The sun is NOT ‘dancing and moving about erratically in the sky’, as per the shepherd lads.

My Catholic mom, consumed by anxiety, and in the throes of dementia, has insisted on Pre-Vatican 2 rules recently.

Some of these include food rules about fasting and abstaining from certain foods on certain days. She certainly didn’t adhere to them pre-dementia.

Some of it may be due to memory issues, but some of it, to me, is about exerting control over her uncooperative body.

I wish you the best.

My very wise dad once told me that whatever is a person's strongest personality trait seems to get magnified as they age. As he got older, he became even more gentle and kind, and spent his last days calling old friends to tell them how much they meant to him.

My mother on the other hand, has always had what I'd call a "spirited" personality, but now she's a really cranky old woman who has nonetheless earned the right to be crabby. She's a lot to take, though, and I'm thankful every day for her caregivers who still think she's a hoot even when she's flipping them the bird.

Not to say that religious faith is annoying, but it seems that it's your dad's most intensely ingrained personality trait, so here he is with it getting more and more amplified as he gets older and closer to death.

I have no real advice for you, except to consider going toe-to-toe with him once in a while and challenging his statements. Tell him that the world ends for everyone eventually, and that's the "end of the world" as far as you're concerned. (That's the explanation I choose to believe at least.) If he's not suffering from dementia where you can't reason with him in any way, I'd say you should call him on some of his stuff. I think he's looking to be comforted, and perhaps you just need to offer some reassurance in firm statements that God is watching out for him and forgives him for his sins.

Naz, mom was in a NH. There was a kind and wonderful geriatric psychiatriatrist who came a couple of times a month to visit patients.

Mom had been prescribed antidepressant meds post stroke while in acute rehab. Her geri psych (the one she saw in Independent Living) had long recommended them, but mom said no.

I signed off on the initial meds as Health Care Proxy during the time she was in rehab and I don't recall that anyone asked mom what she wanted after that.

Possibly technically unethical, but I would have done anything to stop mom wringing her hands and raising her BP.

This is a tough one--I am not Catholic, but had a good friend who was and I'd tag along to catechism classes with her, until the priest kicked me out b/c I would ask questions and those weren't allowed. I wasn't being the least bit disrespectful, just curious and he didn't have answers that satisfied me.

As people age, they OFTEN become just 'more' like themselves. Deeply religious people often cling to the one thing that gives them hope, esp as the face death. The ? as to whether or not there's anything after 'this' is one of the greatest human conditions.

I hope you can get your dad to calm down--perhaps with meds and talking to his priest. I don't know how confession 'works'--can you do a blanket confession or does it need to be specific, b/c that would be impossible!

I daresay your dad is a sweetie and is bringing guilt upon himself that he doesn't need to suffer.

It would be if it were apparent in other parts of his life. My family is Catholic, and I am a practicing one.

I would guess it’s fear of dying with no tangible proof that our souls go somewhere after we die. Maybe he’s looking for comfort and certainty that he will wind up meeting St. Peter.

Mother Teresa was supposedly possessed by the devil towards the end of her life and had an exorcism. I think it was fear of the unknown, but who am I to say. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2001/sep/07/lukeharding

Maybe say, “Oh, that’s interesting” when he starts up. That acknowledges he has the right to his opinion. No need to say much else.

I have noticed my parents (& me as well) calm down when we say the rosary together watching it on EWTN or saying it along on a YouTube video with a rosary in hand. They’re upset the next day, but it makes them say the rosary again.

Good luck!

People of faith get dementia as do those without faith since 75% of people 75 years old and older have some dementia. What you are describing is what I call circular thought, or "stuck thought," where the person seems to be obsessed with a particular idea, thought, or event.

My grandmother had a bit of that when she would obsess about a family falling out that was decades old - and resolved! She was still mad at the people who she thought did her dirt. I tried reminding her of the last time she saw those family members and how they had a lovely time together. I also reminded her that she needed to let her anger go and forgive them. Eventually, I would remind her that "we decided to forgive them" and change the subject or try to divert her attention to another activity.

Your father is having similar "stuck thoughts" about his "guilt", about the end of (his life) world, and whatever beliefs that go with these thoughts. Since your father is Catholic, I suggest he have some regular sessions talking with his priest of a counsellor from his parish. The priest or counsellor can get him to discuss whatever he feels guilt about, pray together, and record that your father is a forgiven man in Christ. Having something that your father can focus on that reminds him that he is forgiven and has a wonderful eternity waiting for him may help with his fears.

If your father is having a lot of anxiety and agitation, as many folks with later stages of dementia do, he may benefit from a prescription for a mild anti-anxiety medication. It will help him to relax and may loosen this fear of guilt.

Whole I am not directly a care giver for someone with this type of religious conviction, my neighbor discussed a very similar situation when she was care providing for her now ex-father-in-law. She said that he was always preaching but never as much as he neared his passing. He was obsessive and everyone around him were sinners, as if he did no wrong because he read his Bible, said the rosary daily, did his Hail Mary's, etc. But, like you she was a practicing Catholic, but, it became quite clear to her she could not handle it and would end up leaving the room. Many people with dementia will have a one track mindset, and will repeat what is familiar to them, or sometimes fear of dying without making their own lives right as it is finally realized they have sinned themselves and want to make sure those left behind will be saved. While it is frustrating my neighbor said the best thing you can do is let it go in one ear and out the other, have your own mindset you will not get upset and leave the room whenever you can, making excuses of necessary to get a breather.
Best wishes to you and your family

Priests will come to your home for whatever valid reason.
Don't hesitate to call your church secretary to arrange for
an appointment.

Most likely what your dad is experiencing is dementia fixation. Dementia patients get very fixated on a subject.
You might try changing the subject to something else he takes interest in or turning on a TV program he likes.
When my dad gets fixated on sad memories, and he will, I talk to him about golf or fishing. He can change the topic quickly and get out of the negative fixation.
Give his hands something to do too. Ask him to fold a stack of smal towels or dust a table. Keep him busy. He will stop fixating so much.
You can also talk to his doctor, perhaps anti depressents can help too. If the talk is constantly end time chatter, he might be depressed.
Hope these suggestions are helpful.

Faith and ritual are supposed to be comforting. Unfortunately, dementia added to the ideas of sin and guilt and impending death can strip the comfort from Catholicism. I think a visit from one of your parish's priest is a great idea, especially if he can provide some forgiveness. You might want to discuss ideas for new religious rituals with the priest as well. He might suggest some positive, non-guilt-obsessed reading, for example. Have you tried interrupting your father mid-rant by starting to recite the Act of Contrition? That one is hard-wired into every Catholic over 50's consciousness: "O my God, I am heartily sorrily...". We all keep going. You might get sick of hearing it, but it might calm him down. Good luck.

Nazdrovia- An elderly family friend became more focused on religious matters after entering a nursing home and as his health declined further. He often spoke of God, expressed that he was God, spoke of the beauty of God he saw in everything. All conversations came back to God. I believe his anxiety and fear of death caused this preoccupation. I think it was simultaneously his attempt to calm himself while also coming to terms with his own death. Try to have patience with your Dad and realize that he is like a frightened child in a grown man’s body, coping as best he can.

Any time he starts talks about being a Sinner and the end of the world. Don't get angry with him. It's only right especially for a person nearing their time here on earth to think about.

But instead of any negative talk, discuss how much Jesus loves him and remind him of the cross where Jesus gave up his own life to save all of us sinners.

Hsve him pray directly to go for forgiveness of his sins.
Read the Bible to him letting him know if he believes, confess his sins that he will be forgiven.

Rwas about the love of God.

Read to him from the Bible about Heaven and assure him that he's going there because his Jesus already paid the price.

If you're not using Music Therapy, you should play relaxing Christian Music for him.

Tell your siblings to Grow Up...
One day it'll be them lying in bed dying.

Give Love while Dad is still alive.
I'm sure Death is a very scary thing to handle.

Prayers

Can your father engage in conversation about why he feels so much guilt? Sometimes speaking one's fears out loud helps reduce the anxiety.

If your father describes a specific thing for which he feels guilty, ask if he thinks God (or Blessed Virgin or whatever figure is obsessed about) can forgive him for that transgression.

Tailor conversations to a level your father's dementia lets him understand.

Definitely have a priest visit, hear his confession, and give him the anointing of the sick!

These will bring definite spiritual and emotional comfort!!

If he has not always been obsessed with religious guilt, it is probably that he realizes the nearness of his transition to another place and that can be very scary. I would suggest have his favorite priest visit and council him and give him any necessary rites. Losing your temper doesn't help you or him so try to comfort him and as others have said remind him of the forgiveness of Christ.
Blessings to you and your family on this journey.

My short answer is allow room for him ( or anyone) to have their beliefs. Why your siblings would be furious at him says more about them than it does about his personal religious beliefs. No need for judgmental intolerance to others beliefs. As many others pointed out it’s also very natural for one approaching end of life to think about God and spiritual beliefs. Try being patient- understanding of this and since you mentioned your catholic, has it occurred to you to arrange for him to talk with a priest??

I am a life long Catholic in my 60's, and was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ in the summer of 2016. Those of us from the 50's-70's were taught all about Catholic Guilt. It has never left me. I did go to confession and was anointed when I was diagnosed and unloaded my burdens and got back to a clean slate, which now continues to be dirtied, That and anointing are good for the conscience and soul. Now, I know I can only reliably remember I am a sinner and ask for forgiveness. I believe I've enteredmidstage of ALZ and accept it all, keep praying and attending Mass. I know my family will keep bringingme to Mass as long as they are able to do it, as I no longer can drive, by surrendering my license on my own volition nobody has had to tell me, that was 10 mos ago. Prayers for all of our patients and Caregivers.

Dear bevthegreat,
Once again, you've given some good advice to Nazdrovia. The responses you've given other Caregivers always includes some great answere s and ideas. I am glad you are here for us.
Happy New Year,
John

Why don't you arrange for a priest to visit him. It can probably be done via Skype, or Zoom, or by phone, or email, or you do not feel comfortable with an in-person visit.

While I was reading the accounts, I was reminded of my late SIL, she was Catholic and knew she was on her death bed. The family was gathered and all of a sudden she said she had something to confess. We all settled down to listen to her confession. She said it was her and her cousin Kathleen who drove Grandpa's Model T through the back of the barn. Her siblings said they already figured that out, LOL. You never know what people hold in their minds.