She is 88 , has dementia and seems to be miserable.
She can’t function on her own. I do everything for her. She refuses to bathe, wash her hair or dress herself. I fix her meds and food. She can’t see very well so doesn’t drive. She feels lost.
She stays in her room most of the time. She doesn’t read, watch TV or have any hobbies. I think she could benefit by having a better quality of life at a nursing home where there are other seniors for her to talk to.
While your mom might still want to stay in her room if she moves, at the least some of the personal care might be more likely to get done. It will free up your time so that when you do visit, you are her daughter again, not her care-giver. Then you can focus on her, and perhaps the repetition won't seem quite as bad! That is one thing our mother is good at - the broken/skipping record! It can get to be very annoying, like a toddler who asks 100 times a minute if we are there yet! Don't bother with detailed answers/response. Just somehow acknowledge or give a very simple response (even if it is a fib) and try to "bump" the record needle to get off the "scratch."
The staff is/should be more adept at coaxing residents to do things they balk at when at home. She might surprise you and actually come out of hibernation though. Staff might be able to encourage that - our mother doesn't really participate much (if it requires hearing, she can't hear much, but she joins the gang some of the time.)
Search your area for Assisted Living with Memory Care. Check out as many as you can. Ask a lot of questions, such as what the cost is and what that covers. Most "services" are included in the cost, but I noted some places my brother down south pointed out were "ala carte", aka base price for room and add on costs for everything else. Our mother is in a non-profit and most everything is included. Her "rent" covers up to one hour of "personal" care, such as bathing. Hair cuts and nail trims are outside sourced/paid, but provided in-house.
While first visit should be arranged, so you can be shown around and ask questions, do go back at random times to observe. Also inquire whether they have "respite", so that you can at least try mom there (although generally the adjustment is longer than a normal respite period.) Ask if there is a long-term commitment, in case it really doesn't work out. Generally it takes months to really get adjusted, but some never do. Also, if you move her, you can ask staff how she is doing, but also try to stop in and observe for yourself before she sees you. Often you will hear all the complaints, how awful it is, how bad the food is, how they want out, but when you are not there, many actually get along fine or even enjoy their time with others!
BTW, it is unlikely you are going to find any place that will allow smoking.
Any LTC policy, you need to submit caretakers, facilities for approvals. As you start considering LTC, submit to LTC insurance all possible facilities and caretakers in your area for approval. They will take 2+ weeks to inform you if they accept that facility or caregiver. By having approvals early you can make better decisions on where and how you go forward. No approval, they will nt even start their paperwork processing that takes 30-60 days.
The LTC insurance company will throw up multiple roadblocks and drag their feet every step of the approval process. It can take 6 months before you receive any $$, and they will continue to collect premiums for a few months after they start paying.
Plan on having 2-3 months of your own $$ available at the start. Once all approvals have been processed, you will be get money. Note they pay after a months service, and 2 weeks after facility submits proper forms after the month is over. Facilities want to be paid ahead of time. So you are always 6 weeks from when you pay till you get paid for services rendered.
Hugs 🤗
I am worried that she still smokes, but she's 88! so smoking hasn't been the end of her yet.
My husband is retired military so I didn’t live close to my mother until he retired. We retired to the same city she lived in for 50 years. My youngest sister died soon after and we tried to raise her children. They were a handful and when they became 17 they left. We lived there for 22 years and when we retired (2nd retirement for my husband) we moved to a lake that is a 6 hr drive. My second sister died last year. I mention all this because I believe it is all involved in my mother’s diagnosis.
My kids all live within a couple hours drive. We all gather a couple times a year and it is hectic!
I hate it when I get frustrated with the constant repetition of the same questions. I know she can’t help it but I don’t know how long I can continue to answer like it was the first time she asked. I don’t know how long my husband can stand it either. I guess it’s a good thing she doesn’t remember when I lose it.
Thanks for you understanding and suggestions. All the best to you.
It sounds like she would probably qualify for both a nursing home and an assisted living. For AL, no referral needed, just research and money! For nursing home, you will need a doctors referral, this can be the PCP, or if all else fails, you can take her to ER for failure to thrive, and tell them you can't care for her, and the ER doctor can make referral. However, it's very hard to find a LTC nursing home bed (not sure if you have medicaid already), and once a MD writes order, they are only obligated to find you "a" bed, not necessarily a bed in your preferred facility, so you never know where she might end up. I know it's sad, but you can't sit with her all day, you also have a life and things to do. If you are willing to pay for an assisted living, maybe those funds can be used to hire a caregiver to sit with her?? I know, but it's not you. You'll have to allow yourself to maintain some boundaries. I'm sad for you, it's hard.
Have her doctor fill out the paperwork for submission for a facility. In AZ it is a list of health issues, help required for activity of daily living ie bathing, dressing, preparing food, etc. Mental status and overall health, with requirements for managing their status, like daily walks, activities etc.
Doing these steps while you are waiting for a needs assessment from the area on aging will put you a step ahead. You will know what facilities can meet her needs, how much it will cost and how to apply for public assistance if needed.
You could always try a month respite and see if she does better. However, if she is having separation anxiety, she may just want to stay in your home. If that is the case then you will need to decide what you are willing to do.
Best of luck. Such a difficult situation.
They get very tired. The patients I saw at the ends of their lives, I kept trying as a nurse to tell their families, desperate to help them, that they are tired. That they are ready to go. That they have lived long lives full of happiness and pain. That they are tired now. Many patients literally turned their faces to the wall to disengage with their loved ones, ready for their next and last journey in life. The families were often desperate to re-engage them. I came to so empathize with the elders. They were ready. WE the young, the middle aged, the late middle aged could not get it. But they were ready. And they had done this life. It is very difficult to explain. I can only say that I learned from them, and I will never fear the end of life. I fear the torture before it, but not the leaving. I believe it is the "trip of a lifetime".
We cannot get it. We may begin to as we come more near.
Those who live long are ready. I saw patients who lived so long that they curled speechless into a fetal position. I am an atheist. But if anything could ever make me a believer, that would have been it. It was the full circle. The full cycle. It is quite beyond our comprehension I suspect.
I agree that her quality of life would be better in some type of senior facility.
She wants me by her side every minute of the day and when I ask her to come to the living room with us she doesn’t want to. I sit in her room or outside with her when she smokes. She even wants me to sleep with her. She has separation anxiety and we just got meds for that today.
She has dementia and repeats the same thing and talks about nothing else. When I try changing the subject she doesn’t hear or listen and goes back to her topic of discussion.
I think I meant nursing home but maybe memory care is where she needs to go. She can’t function on her own. I do everything for her. She refuses to bathe, wash her hair or dress herself. I fix her meds and food. She can’t see very well so doesn’t drive. She feels lost. She not only lives in a strange city our house is unfamiliar to her. It breaks my heart to see her struggling with everything. She has always been very independent.