Irresponsible or loving daughter?
My 82 year old mom suffers from several illnesses, but the main concern is that she had cancer 5 years ago, chemo/radio/Herceptin ended about 3 years ago, she was being checked for a while but then she decided to stop. Why? Too much. Too many doctors, hospitals -she'd a mastectomy-, medicines, etc, etc..and I get it, I understand. Plus, even if something was wrong she would not do anything about it (no chemo, etc). So, what'd be the point on putting her through more? Now, my concern is, am I being irresponsible by allowing this doctor-free situation? She's not feeling well, has never, but it's getting worst with intense pain in her entire body which could be severe arthritis or lupus fully developing (she was diagnosed with both illnesses at some point in life), or anything! We live overseas, I used to live in the US but moved here to be with her. I mention this so you know it's not the same medical system than in the US, cannot call a social worker, etc.
Am I setting her up for more suffering than necessary (will any of the illnesses be more cruel by not having her being checked) or am I being considerate by following her wishes? I should mention too that she is deeply depressed, has been for a long time. That makes things more difficult, plus she doesn't really listen to my advice, in her mind I'm "the child". She's a difficult personality too, she wants to be in control.
This is killing me. I pray for wisdom. Hope it comes to me!
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However, you said her conditions are getting worse and that she's in extreme pain. If she would go to the Dr. he might prescribe pain medication so she's not in so much pain. And if you get her to the Dr. you might ask the Dr. about hospice. Hospice is patient-centered, in the home, with no medical tests, no Dr. visits, no ER visits, and no medications (with the exception of pain and anxiety control).
Your mom doesn't have to be in pain. She can live out her life the way she wants to with no more Dr.'s and still stay at home and be free from pain.
Does your mom realize the can see a medical professional and refuse treatment? That is her right.
Get yourself some relief for your depression. And find things to do other than focus on mom's decline. It's her choice. It doesn't have to be yours!
On the question of your responsibility to "push" medical intervention or not, if your mother is of sound mind then she is responsible for her own decisions. That doesn't mean you can't urge her to seek professional advice, and you can reassure her that no doctor in any country is going to force onerous, heroic treatments on her against her will - that really would be unethical in any language. But there will be a good deal they can do to make her much more comfortable. I hope you find a sympathetic practitioner very soon.
Your mother does not acknowledge where she ends and where you begin (and she's always been that way, right?). You need to work double-time at healthy boundaries. Is it fair? No. Is it just as important as mom's medical issues? Yes.
Whatever path you choose, remember that after mom is gone, there will still be YOU. I urge you to find a way to be there for mom that allows you to retain your own life, your own relationships and your own ability to earn an income.
And I know I need to find a way not to sink with her, I'll try to find some relief for the mind :) thank you!
When the moment comes, and I know somehow it will, we will have no choice but to seek medical help. Will continue researching palliative care options, although outside the US medical assistance of that type is not easily found. Thanks again for giving me feedback. I just hope I remain strong.
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