This is I guess more a general question for caregivers but do you feel your introversion makes things worse?
I’ve always been an introvert where my batteries deflate after a certain level of interaction and I need to go recharge on my own. This would occur even in relationships where I insisted I need time for myself as well to “just be” or I could not focus and would become frazzled. Even with my flat mate, I disliked when she played music when I was trying to concentrate on something.
Being a carer for Mum with dementia has had me literally lose track of everything because I’m unable to recharge. It’s like my brain is a computer and it’s running such a large program (the Carer part) where it’s got no energy or clarity to run anything else. I am losing sight of what day it is, what my own appointments are, my own to do list, I lose things and I simply cannot keep track of things or even remember them. I’m having gold fish memory moments where I’ll forget within 10 secs what I was doing or thinking. Then it’ll flash back but it’s not exactly ideal.
Mum does not quiet down unless sleeping. She on the other hand has always been extroverted so even now with dementia, if she’s awake, she will talk random things or hum. It drives me crazy as I’ll try concentrate on something and she will keep talking and then my brain just basically farts and gives up. I guess you could almost say I’m displaying the same symptoms as someone with dementia, except I know I’d get this clarity back if I just had time to recharge. I simply can't get my own crap done and I won’t remember until I’m going to bed and I’ve had a bit of time for myself. For instance right now, I’m finally remembering I was meant to call an agency on Friday, I’m meant to look into my taxes (god knows how I’m meant to compile all that) and I’m meant to go for a blood test myself. Oh and I just remembered I’ve lost one of my bank cards but haven’t reported it. Oh well it’s prob somewhere in the house but still. Keep forgetting to look for it. Only I could not remember this during the day nor will I remember it again tomorrow during the day. I know I’ll forget again and just go on auto pilot carer mode.
Does anyone else experience this? And do you find introversion makes things tougher?
side note, Mum is due to enter aged care but we are still going through various appointments. Apparently her entering aged care residence while going through these appointments will make her ineligible for the free/gov subsidized consults. I only receive a couple hours of respite a fortnight atm but she is deemed as having severe dementia.
I suspect it would break anybody because dealing with someone with dementia wouldn’t fill the extrovert’s needs, as the interactions would be illogical and irrational, so there’s little to draw from for inspiration.
Its good that you are getting Mom into care because I don't think you could go on like this indefinitely. Maybe ask your Doctor if there is any med that will help with this.
I don't know if being introvert makes it worse or not. I think even those who are extrovert also have a hard time. Extroverts prefer to be out and about, be around friends, etc. on a regular basis but if they are caregiving they feel they can't enjoy themselves.
I noticed your Mom has dementia, and I believe if one is around a person who has memory loss, that the caregiver can feel they themselves are getting dementia. Caregiving can be very exhausting and I think that is what you are going through. You are in a job [caregiivng] that you have had zero training and no one to lead the way.
For myself, I have a large write on calendar hanging in the kitchen. Both my partner and I list our appointments and reminders. It is so helpful. And thankfully our doctors will send us emails as a reminder.
I also find myself putting off things. The past 2 years of covid has changed our lives and delayed so many things that it is hard to get back on track. Also, I noticed when I was working full time, I remembered everything. Now it is oh well, I do that tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year. You are not alone.
and yes, it definitely burns everyone down. I guess I was mostly getting at the my mind feeling like I can’t concentrate like I’m on a fast spinning carousel and can’t jump off :)
Perhaps caregiving is draining in different ways for introverts vs extroverts.
i should have highlighted that my intention was not to make it sound like extroverts had it easy as they don’t. It was more about the feelings.
And yea totally agree. I’ll try go in my bedroom for a bit during the day to have some me time and within 10mins, Mum would have followed and be impatiently striding back and forth around the place and in and out of my room until I say “ok,.. what,.. let’s go back upstairs”! This pacing also drives me nuts haha. I’m like, just please stay still, you’re making me anxious.
I have however discovered that white noise (rain YouTube) meant for sleeping also has a calming effect on her. Different to me, I enjoy it but she gets tired thinking it’s miserable weather outside. Helps for a bit at least....
I live with a very chatty/non-stop talking individual. With me, with anyone we run into in our condo bldg., grocery stores, drug stores, waiters/waitresses, you name it. Blah, blah, blah, blah...........all the live long day. He spends half his time here with me and the other half with his parents who are very elderly. When he leaves to go be with them it takes me two/three days to get back to a relaxed state. I feel absolutely exhausted after being with him for a whole week straight. When his parents finally pass and he is with me full time I think I'll need to check into a hotel occasionally just so I can have me time.
But needing to recharge is something I have to do on a regular basis or I feel like I'm going to implode. Add to being an introvert I am also an empath. Not an ideal combination when you want to keep your sanity.
Especially since you are on the path to placement, anyway, continue those facility visits and appointments and try to expedite placement. Give yourself at least a full 1/2 day each week to take care of necessities.
-- Avoiding violent movies or TV shows because they feel too intense and leave you feeling unsettled
--Being deeply moved by beauty, either expressed in art, nature, or the human spirit, or sometimes even a good commercial
--Being overwhelmed by sensory stimuli like noisy crowds, bright lights, or uncomfortable clothing
--Feeling a need for downtime (not just a preference), especially when you have hectic days; needing to retreat to a dark, quiet room
--Having a rich and complex inner life, complete with deep thoughts and strong feelings that go with them
(See https://www.verywellmind.com/highly-sensitive-persons-traits-that-create-more-stress-4126393)
Whether you are or aren't an HSP, I'd say introversion makes caregiving more challenging, but don't forget that we have many strengths too!
Introverts get their energy from being alone, Extroverts get their energy from being in groups.
Simply, it’s just not a match, your mother needs to be with other extroverts to be energized and happy you just can’t give her that.
On the upside when we reach that age, I feel we’ll need very little entertainment as we always have a rich inner life.
In the movie “Castaway” I never understood why Tom Hanks wanted to get off that fabulous abandoned island lol
My ideal retirement location:)
I'm an introvert caring for my mother who is a very verbal extravert. When she is awake her mouth never stops moving. She's always been that way. Constant talking, yelling, demanding, whining, noise noise noise.
At this very moment, after having her breakfast, several bathroom visits and being put back in the bed to lie down - her demand - she is calling my name so I'll run to her bedside and tell her where I am and what I'm doing. It entertains her.
She is a vessel that can never be filled no matter how much attention she receives. She tries to get her fulfillment from me and it's sucking the life out of me.
I do have a couple of afternoon sitters who give me a break each week which is absolutely necessary and helpful, but then I have to put up with people in my home which is another issue for me.
I crave crave crave solitude and serenity and privacy in my home, and from the time my mother moved in with me almost 5 years ago, that has been gone.
From being awaked every 2-3 hours at night and having to deal with a demanding, loud mother during the day, I am broken. It's been 16 long years and counting.
As for you, my suggestion would be for your memory situation, is have a notebook and write down all the things you need to do for yourself. Once done, you can check them off. No one is going to look out for you, but you. It's hard to remember anything when you have so much going on in your life.
You are definitely burned out and need help. Even if it a few hours a day. Once she gets into a care place, you will have relief, but you need some help now. I'm sorry I cannot make a good suggestion as to where to look as I haven't been in that situation, but I'm sure you will find some good suggestions here.
I just wanted to give you the idea of keeping a list so you do not forget to do things you need to do for yourself. Good luck.
As for you, I hope you're able to get your mum somewhere safe and get yourself time to recharge soon.
I know there wasn't much advice from me except to let you know you're not alone. Take care of yourself.
6-12-19 Teepa Snow - making visits count Part 9.
I’ve only had chance to listen to Part 1, 3, and a little of 7. She has many more online and not just about visiting. I intend to listen to ALL of hers as soon as I can.
I use a lot of technology to cue my mom's routine and check on her safety. With that, she has independence to make her own breakfast or a light lunch that's left for her. But, I am still on call 24/7/365 and spend a lot of my waking hours supporting her.
I make sure to get a few hours a week during the day for myself. That may be when the housekeeper comes, or when I drop mom off at a day center. I can sneak away for a couple hour leaving her home alone to an activity with a friend. But, during intense times when sooooo much of my time is needed for caregiving, I will stay up extra Kate just to sit in a calm and quiet house. That's not ideal. I need my rest, too. But, there is always a tension between resting and recharging for very busy introverts.
But, I don't think caregiving is easier for extroverts. They recharge around people, and caregiving is very isolating.
It's an all around hard job. But, one that can be done well in the right circumstances.
Perhaps I am wrong, but, I consider myself neither, or both introvert on occasions as I love to be alone and never feel lonely.
I need to recharge my batteries and some days just do nothing.
I despise doctors appointments so finally arrangements are made for somebody else. I am good at delegating and I have no guilt.
But be gentle on yourself, we all forget, we all do things wrong, in the end they get done, just do less, plan each day or at least few days with minimum to do.