As some of you may remember, last year Mom informed me that she wanted to remove my brother from her will altogether. Fortunately, I didn't have to get a lawyer..etc. because Mom and I had already put each other as joint owner on our accounts...I was already the sole owner at her death..(and vice versa...for her protection too should anything happen to me)
Ok...so, now I have the ugly job of dealing with this.
I say ugly because...even though he is a jerk, and did (said) something that really upset Mom last year (and she was hard to upset!) ... I am having a hard time thinking that I am the one to deliver the news that his own mom had disowned him. That has got to be a tough thing to deal with. I had read some of the postings here, and the heartbreak endured by those who learned this was clear.
So... my idea is to allow him to see only one of Mom's accounts. Give him half of it. Give him those items I think a son should have gotten from his father (dad died 9 months ago).
And..hope he is satisfied. He actually talked about Legal action last year to challenge Dads will...because it left everything to Mom.
What if he demands to see all the books? How can I keep him ignorant of the true nature of the inheritance and keep him from demanding a deeper look?
Since there will be no probate (I already own it all) ... he might see red flags when he understands there will be no court.
Should he push this to the limit....how do I break this to him? I really plan to never see or hear from him again....but, have no desire to cause him emotional pain either. What could I say?
But if you have to, I'd be direct and not fool around with showing him just one account, etc.
I'm sorry, Brother. Mother did not leave anything in a will. I will see to it that you get all of Dad's tools, sporting goods, fishing equipment, whatever.
There is nothing to divide, Brother. Everything is now in my name, as Mother wanted it. I will see to it you get Dad's items.
Mother made her arrangements a year ago. There is nothing to divide. Would you like Dad's personal items?
Be brief. Be accurate. And don't get defensive. This is just the way it is.
Since the first words out of your brother's mouth when your mom died were, "Do I get money?" I suspect that he is going to be livid, and will probably try to cause trouble. But if there is no money to get, he will get not money.
The only reason you're having to deal with him at all is because he's sniffing around for money. Once he understands that there is no money to be had you hopefully won't have to deal with him anymore.
It's admirable that you don't want to hurt him, that you're concerned about his feelings. Try to keep in mind that his concern is money and inheritance and estates and wills.
Is there a lawyer who could handle this with you?
He always sucked up to Mom and believed he was the favorite.
Then Mom created a living trust and named me DPOA and POA, requested I be the one to care for her if and when she was unable to do so. That day finally came. Had to sell her home, was not safe for her with stairs and her bad lymphatic leg plus dementia started to appear in slight ways. I found a place where she could be here with me and a safe space for her. Well my brother went wild. Then he started showing up to visit, and as much as I did not like him, I felt I had no right to stop him from visiting with Mom. Soon, I realized everytime he showed up, he was extorting money from her for one thing or another. He was at it again. Now I was handling her finances and noticed money for lunches, even had her pay for his entire family on Mother's Day brunch! Money for toilet paper, 1000.00 for this or that. So, I told him he could not keep doing this and she could not afford to keep this up. He got upset and said, "You can't have all Mom's money!" Well, he kept at it until I had to take away Mom's checkbook and ATM card so he could not coerce her into constantly giving him money for this and that. All the while, he never did a darn thing for her or even offered. Mom finally broke off the relationship with him on her own accord but the viciousness that came my way after that in the form of texts, cards, and telling me I had no right to forbid him on the property. I never said he was not allowed to see Mom, just to meet her at the front gate and they could go wherever MINUS her checkbook. She made the decision not to see him because of how he had abused me for many years as a child sexually, physically and mentally. He tried threatening me with God that if I did not forgive him, I would not be allowed into heaven. Wow. Mom asked me if she thought she should cut him out of her will completely but I told her no. He is not mentally stable and I have been afraid of him my whole life, even to this day, he scares me. Who knows what he would do and of course blame me if he were to be cut out of the will. He already blames me for everything else. He has no idea what I go through being the caregiver, no freedom, broke from having to leave my career, trying to save her money for as long as she is here, my life is put on hold and that creature still looms off in the corner as I wait for the next time he decides to invade with his sickness and selfishness in our direction again.
I don't owe him a darn thing and it sounds like you don't owe your brother anything either. I agree, I would not show or tell him anything, you don't want to go through the h*ll I have ( and still go through) as long as my Mom is still alive. He has made my life a living h*ll since I was a child and if I had known what I would have had to go through again for taking care of Mom per her request, I may have re-thought the whole thing. The emotional toll on me has been awful.
My own brother has been absent...thankfully. On the rare occasions when he did come round it was to try to get money or to brag about how great he is. Call him "one up". You know the type.
But, he isn't a nasty, evil person. Just totally self centered.
Since he expects 50 percent (according to the will). I plan to give him 50 percent of one of the accounts, and those jewelry items that were the personal items of our Dads. That is it. Should anything else be brought up, I will simply reply that it is what Mom left for him. Period. No discussion. I plan to not meet him at all. He has said he will not come for the funeral, so I will just ship this stuff to him along with a check. I'll send a copy of the bank statement from the one account. That is it. I do not plan to even answer the phone after that.
If I were to base my opinion on whether one deserved an inheritance based on his treatment of my parents the last twenty years - he would receive nothing.
If I were to base my opinion on whether the other brother deserved an inheritance based on his treatment of my parents his first twenty years - he would receive nothing.
If I were to base my opinion of whether either deserved an inheritance from my parents based on their treatment of me - over my entire 55 years - they both, would receive nothing.
Instead my parents choose an even three way split based on their love and experiences with their children over the entirety of our lives - and I am grateful for it.
The last seven years, looking after my parents was hard - really hard. The hardest thing I've even done - with little to no help from my brothers. Yet, the day I gave them their checks - their inheritance from our parents - was a day I'll never forget. We went to lunch, had a beer together and told stories from our childhood. And let me tell you - it was a rough childhood - but one we shared - together. Long after everyone else had left the restaurant- we were still there. We laughed until we cried, and cried until we laughed. It was one of the most precious times of my life and I will treasure it forever.
I thank my parents for having the foresight to have treated their children equally. That in the end - their final message to us was that they loved us all.
My Mom passed away on June 10
There really isn't anything my brother can do about it. I am the sole owner of all her assets .. which includes the entire estate left to her as sole heir from Dads will.
The amount of money I give to my brother will fall below the max annual gift...so no gift tax needs to be declared. The personal items from Dad, well..I feel they should have been given to brother long since.
My opinion has very little to do with this. However....
My only purpose is to not cause him the emotional pain of knowing what Mom intended. And to honor Mom's wishes for the most part.
So sorry to hear you lost your Mom. I hope you can get some peace and positive closure with your brother over this emotional time. We are here for you if you need us. Take good care of yourself now. *HUGS*
Not a single beep from my brother. No flowers, no card, no phone call. He didn't come for this, and didn't make any contact.
I am convinced that whatever he did to Mom that made her mad is still informing his behavior....even after her death.
Now, I do not feel any remorse for following her wishes.
I am sorry for your loss. And I am sorry your brother is choosing to be MIA on this.
You are beyond kind to even give him anything, and it shows your kind heart that even though mom had made her wishes known, you are still thinking of your brother.
Hopefully he will accept what you send him and let it go. The fact that he takes it, would make any "posthumous" requests for more just nutty.
My grandmother made her will, left things split pretty equally amongst her 3 children, altho my mother did the lion's share of care. She also left the note :" to anyone who contests my will, I leave $1 and my eternal disgust". She was a funny bird, and I know that final sentence was meant for mother's younger sister who wanted mother to ship all grandma's furniture 1500 miles away and not charge her for it.
It's sad when this happens in families, but it's very common and I hope you can go forwards and find peace. You did more than most people would do. Bless you.
Do not contact him first. Let the slime ball stew for a bit.
Low blow for you and your mom and I truly feel your pain.
Go out to a lake, take a walk through gardens, go shopping for something @ a major discount in the next few days or do something that makes you happy. I know you just buried her, but go and celebrate her life. Your head needs to just chill and you need to let go of negative vibes from your brother.
Forget him for now, he'll probably be back in the picture in a few weeks.
Sorry if the language above is snarky, but I have been there too and it's hateful.