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As some of you may remember, last year Mom informed me that she wanted to remove my brother from her will altogether. Fortunately, I didn't have to get a lawyer..etc. because Mom and I had already put each other as joint owner on our accounts...I was already the sole owner at her death..(and vice versa...for her protection too should anything happen to me)


Ok...so, now I have the ugly job of dealing with this.


I say ugly because...even though he is a jerk, and did (said) something that really upset Mom last year (and she was hard to upset!) ... I am having a hard time thinking that I am the one to deliver the news that his own mom had disowned him. That has got to be a tough thing to deal with. I had read some of the postings here, and the heartbreak endured by those who learned this was clear.


So... my idea is to allow him to see only one of Mom's accounts. Give him half of it. Give him those items I think a son should have gotten from his father (dad died 9 months ago).
And..hope he is satisfied. He actually talked about Legal action last year to challenge Dads will...because it left everything to Mom.


What if he demands to see all the books? How can I keep him ignorant of the true nature of the inheritance and keep him from demanding a deeper look?


Since there will be no probate (I already own it all) ... he might see red flags when he understands there will be no court.


Should he push this to the limit....how do I break this to him? I really plan to never see or hear from him again....but, have no desire to cause him emotional pain either. What could I say?

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Wow, so sorry that he didn't show. I had an evil brother like yours but he at least came to my mom's services.
Do not contact him first. Let the slime ball stew for a bit.
Low blow for you and your mom and I truly feel your pain.
Go out to a lake, take a walk through gardens, go shopping for something @ a major discount in the next few days or do something that makes you happy. I know you just buried her, but go and celebrate her life. Your head needs to just chill and you need to let go of negative vibes from your brother.
Forget him for now, he'll probably be back in the picture in a few weeks.
Sorry if the language above is snarky, but I have been there too and it's hateful.
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KAtiekate--
I am sorry for your loss. And I am sorry your brother is choosing to be MIA on this.
You are beyond kind to even give him anything, and it shows your kind heart that even though mom had made her wishes known, you are still thinking of your brother.

Hopefully he will accept what you send him and let it go. The fact that he takes it, would make any "posthumous" requests for more just nutty.

My grandmother made her will, left things split pretty equally amongst her 3 children, altho my mother did the lion's share of care. She also left the note :" to anyone who contests my will, I leave $1 and my eternal disgust". She was a funny bird, and I know that final sentence was meant for mother's younger sister who wanted mother to ship all grandma's furniture 1500 miles away and not charge her for it.

It's sad when this happens in families, but it's very common and I hope you can go forwards and find peace. You did more than most people would do. Bless you.
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I buried my Mom this past Tuesday.

Not a single beep from my brother. No flowers, no card, no phone call. He didn't come for this, and didn't make any contact.

I am convinced that whatever he did to Mom that made her mad is still informing his behavior....even after her death.

Now, I do not feel any remorse for following her wishes.
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KatieKate,
So sorry to hear you lost your Mom. I hope you can get some peace and positive closure with your brother over this emotional time. We are here for you if you need us. Take good care of yourself now. *HUGS*
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KatieKate, I am sorry for your loss. My wish for your mother is eternal rest. My hope for you is peace and solace in the fact that your actions were guided by love and dignity.
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Daughterlu

My Mom passed away on June 10

There really isn't anything my brother can do about it. I am the sole owner of all her assets .. which includes the entire estate left to her as sole heir from Dads will.

The amount of money I give to my brother will fall below the max annual gift...so no gift tax needs to be declared. The personal items from Dad, well..I feel they should have been given to brother long since.

My opinion has very little to do with this.   However....
My only purpose is to not cause him the emotional pain of knowing what Mom intended. And to honor Mom's wishes for the most part.
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I have two older brothers - one a little over 60yrs old, the other just under 60.

If I were to base my opinion on whether one deserved an inheritance based on his treatment of my parents the last twenty years - he would receive nothing.

If I were to base my opinion on whether the other brother deserved an inheritance based on his treatment of my parents his first twenty years - he would receive nothing.

If I were to base my opinion of whether either deserved an inheritance from my parents based on their treatment of me - over my entire 55 years - they both, would receive nothing.

Instead my parents choose an even three way split based on their love and experiences with their children over the entirety of our lives - and I am grateful for it.

The last seven years, looking after my parents was hard - really hard. The hardest thing I've even done - with little to no help from my brothers. Yet, the day I gave them their checks - their inheritance from our parents - was a day I'll never forget. We went to lunch, had a beer together and told stories from our childhood. And let me tell you - it was a rough childhood - but one we shared - together. Long after everyone else had left the restaurant- we were still there. We laughed until we cried, and cried until we laughed. It was one of the most precious times of my life and I will treasure it forever.

I thank my parents for having the foresight to have treated their children equally. That in the end - their final message to us was that they loved us all.
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In honor of your Mother, respect her wishes if she wants to cut him out of her will. Based on my experience, wait until she passes to say anything. My brother and sister-in-law agreed when Mother put me on her local checking account but were angry about a will that left all her personal belongings to me. This did not include the Trust set up by my Father for her upkeep and maintenance set up before he died. Her attorney drew up the will with broad language that I receive everything she owns (This does not include her Trust but the will did not make this clear). My brother and sister-in-law threw a fit with Mother's attorney. The incompetent attorney knowing this, then came to Mother's apartment with a witness, and while I was getting coffee for us all, had her sign a new will including my brother, notarizing it on the spot. (Mother did not have time to even read the document) The attorney tricked my Mother and lied to me about the purpose of her visit. Further, there is nothing of value in Mother's apartment and her checking account income comes from her social security and pays medicine, health insurance, personal necessities, etc. No money is able to accumulate.  We went to a Notary Public who rescinded the will in question, with the help of a Councilman who was a friend advising us and witnessing her signature. My brother abused me as a child. This left me shaken that I was not protected from my childhood abuser and the wrath of my sister-in-law who is a very angry woman. At the time, I felt it was my responsibility to let my brother know what was in the will because he was living in Florida and I wanted to be up front and open hoping to heal a broken relationship.  That was the wrong decision in that his reaction caused me much anxiety. Mother and I are now blessed to have this period to have a close Mother daughter relationship that I missed out on a child. We are now having a close loving family experience with Mother now in a great Senior Facility within 5 minutes of our home. My son and daughter-in-law help me give Mother 24 x 7 care. Brother is no longer jealous and angry that I am with staying with Mother. He knows how much it costs to have round the clock care at $25.00 per hour for a Nurses Aid in a former facility. Mother is in a new facility, we moved from Mother's former facility. It was a rogue facility, triangulating family (brother and cousin) against me where the facility was benefiting financially and through their obstruction and negligence almost killed Mother. Read about dysfunctional families. There are many extreme cases on AgingCare where family dysfunction + a facility or an authority that takes over decision making ends in the daughter being limited or shut out along with the early demise of the L.O. My advice is do not do or bring anything that will set off a war in the family while Mother is alive if the matter can wait. Read more in AgingCare. 
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Katiekate, talk this over with the lawyer. Just be sure that your generosity can't come back to haunt you. If Brother finds out that there are other accounts and assumes he is entitled to half of those also, he could try to make trouble. I'd hate to see the fact that you lied to him ... that that account was half his when it wasn't make matters more complicated. What you plan sounds generous and a way out of the difficult spot. Just be sure to cya. Remember, no good need goes unpunished.
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Sounds like a smart thing to do Katiekate. Then you can wash your hands and be free of him. I plan to tell both my brothers on the event of my Mom's death that I never want to see or hear from either of them ever again. Maybe I will even have the lawyer relay the message to them so I don't have to get into any last accusatory fights, I won't be in any mind set mourning Mom to deal with anymore emotional upheavals. I will pack up boxes for them to pick up of personal belongings because I remember how my jerk brother behaved when Dad died. He was grabbing everything saying, this is mine, that's mine, etc. I literally never saw a single penny or object because I did not want to even be in his presence nor did I care about material belongings. I wish you well and you are not alone. *Hugs*
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I am sorry for the h*ll your brother has put you through

My own brother has been absent...thankfully. On the rare occasions when he did come round it was to try to get money or to brag about how great he is. Call him "one up". You know the type.

But, he isn't a nasty, evil person. Just totally self centered.

Since he expects 50 percent (according to the will). I plan to give him 50 percent of one of the accounts, and those jewelry items that were the personal items of our Dads. That is it. Should anything else be brought up, I will simply reply that it is what Mom left for him. Period. No discussion. I plan to not meet him at all. He has said he will not come for the funeral, so I will just ship this stuff to him along with a check. I'll send a copy of the bank statement from the one account. That is it. I do not plan to even answer the phone after that.
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I am in a similar situation, I have a greedy, manipulative brother, he always has been. All his life, he has managed to get everything he ever wanted, only kid out of four of us who got Mom to pay for him to go to a specialty school. Got every car he wanted, even had Mom trade in her car for a piece of garbage station-wagon so he could take the extra money for another car he wanted. Maxed out credit cards many times and then ran to Mom, Dad and even Mom's sisters that lived almost across the country for money. No shame. Yes, Mom enabled him, never believed me when I tried telling her what he did.
He always sucked up to Mom and believed he was the favorite.
Then Mom created a living trust and named me DPOA and POA, requested I be the one to care for her if and when she was unable to do so. That day finally came. Had to sell her home, was not safe for her with stairs and her bad lymphatic leg plus dementia started to appear in slight ways. I found a place where she could be here with me and a safe space for her. Well my brother went wild. Then he started showing up to visit, and as much as I did not like him, I felt I had no right to stop him from visiting with Mom. Soon, I realized everytime he showed up, he was extorting money from her for one thing or another. He was at it again. Now I was handling her finances and noticed money for lunches, even had her pay for his entire family on Mother's Day brunch! Money for toilet paper, 1000.00 for this or that. So, I told him he could not keep doing this and she could not afford to keep this up. He got upset and said, "You can't have all Mom's money!" Well, he kept at it until I had to take away Mom's checkbook and ATM card so he could not coerce her into constantly giving him money for this and that. All the while, he never did a darn thing for her or even offered. Mom finally broke off the relationship with him on her own accord but the viciousness that came my way after that in the form of texts, cards, and telling me I had no right to forbid him on the property. I never said he was not allowed to see Mom, just to meet her at the front gate and they could go wherever MINUS her checkbook. She made the decision not to see him because of how he had abused me for many years as a child sexually, physically and mentally. He tried threatening me with God that if I did not forgive him, I would not be allowed into heaven. Wow. Mom asked me if she thought she should cut him out of her will completely but I told her no. He is not mentally stable and I have been afraid of him my whole life, even to this day, he scares me. Who knows what he would do and of course blame me if he were to be cut out of the will. He already blames me for everything else. He has no idea what I go through being the caregiver, no freedom, broke from having to leave my career, trying to save her money for as long as she is here, my life is put on hold and that creature still looms off in the corner as I wait for the next time he decides to invade with his sickness and selfishness in our direction again.
I don't owe him a darn thing and it sounds like you don't owe your brother anything either. I agree, I would not show or tell him anything, you don't want to go through the h*ll I have ( and still go through) as long as my Mom is still alive. He has made my life a living h*ll since I was a child and if I had known what I would have had to go through again for taking care of Mom per her request, I may have re-thought the whole thing. The emotional toll on me has been awful.
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Katiekate, you already own the property. When you die it will go to whomever you designate, not to your brother. You might want to make that clear to your brother (or ask the lawyer to make it clear) to remove any thought that harming you would do your brother any good.

Is there a lawyer who could handle this with you?
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If your brother is really sniffing around for money I would be a little concerned for my safety if I were you. You stand in his way of getting his hands on her money, so he may do something drastic. I know it sounds far-fetched, but never underestimate what someone could be driven to do when feelings of greed combine with intense anger and rejection thrown into the mix. These are all very strong human emotions that can lead to disaster. With you out of the picture, he would be next in line to inherit, assuming she isn't able to get to a lawyer by herself to cut him out of it by say willing him $1 and the rest to charity. That said, if he isn't inclined to do something drastic, I wouldn't let it be a surprise to him that he learns of after your mother's death. That is cruel and believe me, it is like leaving behind a grenade that destroys your family permanently. I think the safest thing for you to do would be to have a private talk with him and let him know your mother's intentions and why she has made that decision. That way you are not the one that he suspects made (or influenced) her decision, and you are not the one keeping it a secret from him until after she is gone. So your hands are clean and your honesty should keep him from taking it out on you. Then you could talk to your mom and explain how this puts you in a dangerous position and breaks any ties you have left to your brother. Work both sides of the situation by ask if he were to make amends would she change her mind...if he calls, visits and helps out regularly. If so, tell him what he needs to do to make amends and tell him he either does it, or foregoes any inheritance, fair and square. That way it's all on the up and up. People never get over the betrayal of a family member. If that approach fails, you could just share the inheritance with him and never mention your mother's intent to cut him out of the will, of course that would be going against your mother's wishes. I just think the damage done by this tactic of cutting a child out of a will is so shattering. It's not just about the money, it's about secrets, lies, rejection and betrayal. It's not worth the money in my opinion. If you truly are done with your brother and never want to speak to him again, I guess go ahead with your mother's plan and hope he doesn't want to take revenge on you once it all hits the fan. For an eye-opener I would suggest watching "Bloodline" on Netflix - about a family that secretly cuts one (criminally inclined) brother out of the Will.
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Agreed that there is NO room or need for subterfuge here. But I'd tell him all this after the funeral.
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Don't mess around by showing your brother partial documents just to placate him. Show him everything in the spirit of transparency or show him nothing since you're not legally obligated to.

The only reason you're having to deal with him at all is because he's sniffing around for money. Once he understands that there is no money to be had you hopefully won't have to deal with him anymore.

It's admirable that you don't want to hurt him, that you're concerned about his feelings. Try to keep in mind that his concern is money and inheritance and estates and wills.
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Did your mother use a lawyer at all? Did she have a will, but there is simply nothing that it applies to? Nothing that you don't already own? Could the lawyer explain this to brother? It does seem kind of a dirty deal that you have to do it.

But if you have to, I'd be direct and not fool around with showing him just one account, etc.

I'm sorry, Brother. Mother did not leave anything in a will. I will see to it that you get all of Dad's tools, sporting goods, fishing equipment, whatever.

There is nothing to divide, Brother. Everything is now in my name, as Mother wanted it. I will see to it you get Dad's items.

Mother made her arrangements a year ago. There is nothing to divide. Would you like Dad's personal items?

Be brief. Be accurate. And don't get defensive. This is just the way it is.

Since the first words out of your brother's mouth when your mom died were, "Do I get money?" I suspect that he is going to be livid, and will probably try to cause trouble. But if there is no money to get, he will get not money.
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