My 91 year-old mother lives in her home with the assistance of a caregiver. My brother and SIL help with logistics. He is POA. I live three hours away and visit periodically. Earlier this year my brother and SIL thought it would be a good idea to have indoor cameras installed to keep an eye on the caregiver and on my mother should she fall and be unable to press her alert button. Mom agreed to the cameras. There’s a camera in the dining / living area and one in her bedroom.
Fast-forward to a couple of weeks ago. My mother had a visitor and was criticizing SIL. Mom has said that she has everything she needs, but sometimes there are unkind words and attitudes. Brother and SIL live ten minutes from mom.
The conversation with visitor was listened to by brother and SIL and made them very angry. Mom forgot the dining / living room camera was there or whatever. This issue has caused a big rift. “After everything we’ve done for you, etc.”. My question is, is there an expectation of privacy (in her own home) or is the privacy given up due to her circumstances?
They are out of line listening to a private conversation with mom and her friend.
They said they put the cameras in for safety, how exactly is this behavior benefiting moms safety?
Oh, I would also ask them if either of them ever vented about each other to a friend? Everyone does it and there was nothing egregious about what mom said, so build a bridge and get over it. AND STOP listening to private conversations.
However. Everyone needs to take a breath here.
Agreeing to be monitored 24/7 shows a huge amount of trust on your mom’s part in your brother and his wife. Would they have done the same? It’s pretty naive to think we don’t get on someone’s nerves from time to time.
If your DIL thinks she’s perfect she now knows different.
Having this type of access to another’s privacy comes with a certain amount of responsibility to be willing to see and hear things you might rather not.
I agree to sit and listen in on a private conversation shows a lack of respect for your mom. I’m not sure who owes the other an apology. It’s a good thing they don’t live together.
Although I’m now remembering chastising DH aunt for some things I heard her confabulating on the phone to her family. She had mild dementia so shame on me even more. 😇 😟
Perhaps this is an indication that the camera should come down or at least the sound. You could most likely have the app on your own phone and observe all that goes on, including when brother and his wife visit. I suspect they wouldn’t like that.
When I had cameras for my DH aunt, I lived two hours away, so I had a local couple (great nephew and wife of aunt) also have the app on their phones. I did not activate the sound. If I saw anything concerning, I called. since DH aunt had a caregiver and others throughout the day, I mostly checked the feed at night to make sure she had gotten to bed okay or when I needed to see if the plumber got there, etc.
Maybe just a time for everyone to understand that elder care is difficult for all concerned and a little grace is needed all around. It’s good to clear the air on occasion. Most of us realize we could all do better.
I drove three hours one way, once a week to care for my mom after my sister was diagnosed with cancer. We didn’t have a caregiver. So, no hands on caregiving. It was still a lot.
So do make sure SIL and brother aren’t over burdened. It seems your mom is cooperative by having a caregiver and agreeing to cameras but she is also blessed to have them watching out for her.
Hopefully by the time Mother’s Day has come and gone this will be in the rear view.
We often get questions about cameras but I don’t remember this issue coming up before. Maybe others have had it happen and will chime in.
For sure this situation is getting on all nerves. Mom told me that my brother has a full plate, from helping the neighbors with home repairs to taking care of the repairs on his rentals, and he still works. I suggested to her that he’s an adult and could consider hiring people to take care of some responsibilities (like the home repairs) to ease his burden. He is well off and can afford it.
She has told me she knows that it’s a lot of work looking after her, and that she tells them often how grateful she is. I suppose there is a lot going on here that has nothing to do with the cameras.
I think listening to the conversation was way out of bounds. I did suggest that she consider removing the cameras. She said she would think about it. I did tell her that going forward when I visit if the cameras are still there I am unplugging them and will plug them back in when I leave.
As to criticizing family it is a good lesson in learning to take problems to the source instead of gossiping with others about it. Hard lesson, but then we often learn the best when the lessons sting a bit.
She agreed to cameras which allowed her family to have access to her and check in on her safety It does not mean she’s relinquished her privacy or ability to speak freely and/or vent in her own home.
its completely normal to get on each others nerves occasionally and let it out without needing a family sit down.
Listening to a private conversation is eavesdropping and invasive.
Your mom deserves a modicum of privacy after everything else she has had to give up in old age. It's a good thing that she even has friends who visit. My mom spends the entire day alone, and I believe that has contributed significantly to her mental decline and dementia. If anything, your mom should be encouraged to have more friends over and gossip all she wants. It's better than being socially isolated.
The real problem might be in the AUDIO. Some States require 2 party consent to recording audio.
You should put a notice up in a location where it can be seen when entering the house that there is audio and video surveillance. this will alert anyone that there may be recording being done.
I also suggest that the Audio be eliminated just in case something like this occurs. There really is no need for 24/7 audio.
Does mom have "Alexa" or other device in the house? If so that can be used to contact you. All she or the caregiver would have to say is "Alexa call Duderino54" and Alexa would call you. (or your brother and SIL)
California requires the consent of all parties involved to record audio in a home or any private space, according to Penal Code 632. This means that you must obtain permission from everyone present before recording their conversations, says the Digital Media Law Project.
Mom may consent but I don’t.
Life is not 100% unicorns and rainbows. Your mother seems to be grateful for the help your family is providing but there are always issues. For your mother to vent to a friend is entirely acceptable IMO.
so angry. Trying to diffuse
the situation and maintain my own boundaries.
We are ALL entitled to complain sometimes. In elderly situations I find I have to be grateful when ANYTHING said is kind to me LOL. I'm the POA and making choices in my Dad's and estate's best interest, but not always to his liking - like redoing the pool when the pump went bad. He hated the construction (noisy and early in the morning), but in the end he's glad I'm taking care of the house.
Tell your SIL and brother to laugh at the situation, know she loves the care AND she needs to vent sometimes too :-). Yes, it can be hard, but we all get to "get over" ourselves and move on to the next task at hand. Love conquers all.
AND better mother NOT know their reaction as she will be less likely to tell anyone when she really needs help. She MAY count on them seeing/hearing problems, rather than bring them up OR intentionally try to piss them off. Neither is good and getting to where you can be big enough to laugh and move on works best in our family - expecting criticism and knowing all are loved and doing what they can.
Yes, I wish I didn't have to do this. This is not a path he wished for or that I would wish on anyone. I have to do a lot for him and what ever I can do to relieve some of my burden or make it better for him I will do so. No, I would not be real upset if he criticized what I was doing for him but would take a look at why he thought that.
You need to LEAVE THIS ALONE.
By your own admission, you are 3 hours away and you say brother and SIL, 10 minutes away from mom, deal with "logistics" of her care. In spite of the fact mom has a caregiver, there are camera to help keep mom safe, and your brother gets the "feed". Which leads me to state they are the "boots on the ground" when it comes to mom's care, the first ones called when something goes wrong.
Your mom made a comment that was hurtful. Whether or not she "meant" it, whether or not it was taken out of context, whether or not bro and SIL are being "oversensitive" is ***NOT*** the point. The comment was made. Mom can't un-ring that bell. She can acknowledge that she said something hurtful. She can apologize and feel terrible, which I'm sure she does. But your brother and his wife have legitimate feelings here.
The best-case scenario is your brother and his wife lick their wounds for a time, then decide to forgive mom and move on. Do you know what the WORST-CASE scenario is? His sibling, who is 3 hours away and visits "occasionally" comes down like gangbusters, telling him and his wife that their behavior is wrong, and to boot they have "violated mom's privacy"!! Really, are you worried about them "violating" mom's privacy when they get calls that the caregiver can't make it for the day? When mom falls in the middle of the night and they have to haul out of their house and go help her? When they provide the stopgap caregiving things that need to be done that the paid caregiver can't/won't do?
Leave this alone. If you INSIST on getting involved, my advice: tell your brother how sorry you are that this happened, that their feelings are valid, that mom feels terribly about what she said and it was said in a moment of weakness, that BOTH mom AND YOU appreciate ***everything*** they do for your mother. That you sincerely hope you can all get over this as a family and move on, because you clearly love your mom, and they do too - or else they wouldn't be taking on this huge responsibility of keeping mom safe and able to live in her own home.
Anything else will just be throwing gasoline onto this fire.
There are two cameras, one in the main living area and one in her bedroom that also captures what’s going on in the bathroom. For sure safety at night is paramount for the bedroom/bathroom camera. My question referred specifically to the living room camera.
I had “boots on the ground” with her
for many years, all while still working and living nearby. There were many doc and ER visits, shopping, food prep, housekeeping, med pickups, bloodwork visits, PT and OT visits. She’s criticized and said unkind things about me plenty and (some) of those criticisms have made their way back to me. I accept that this is who she is and move on.
I did not claim brother or SIL were being over sensitive. They can react however they please. Whether you agree that the question I asked is or is not about privacy - that is exactly my question. I asked about privacy in her house - for her (and visitors, really, who deserve to know they’re being spied on, whomever they may be.) I would not like my conversations listened to when I visit friends. We are already surveilled plenty in public, where, by the way, there is no expectation of privacy. Workplace too. Where would we be without body and phone cameras?
If mom is okay with cameras and audio listening 24/7 in her house, fine. Her choice as long as she understands the consequences. She’s 91 with some age related decline, but still with it plenty enough to understand that she has choices. I’m not okay with it and when I am there, covering up the camera.