Due to increasing Alzheimer's symptoms, my sister's family has decided not to bring her to her son's wedding. She is feeling unwanted; was it the right decision?

we took my mom with dementia to an out of state wedding once and after the ceremony she kept asking everyone to take her home, and had a bit of a meltdown until someone did agree to leave the wedding (reception hadn't even started yet) and take her back to her hotel, and that person had to stay with her of course because she couldn't be alone, so missed all of the fun. most of us were then bummed out after that scene and didn't enjoy the reception and left early, so it was ruined for everyone basically. it is the right decision not to take her, and as some others have said perhaps telling her that they are going to have a reception at home might appease her, even going so far as to tell her that is the actual wedding so she doesn't know she's not going. i imagine if she has moderate dementia she will forget she isn't invited, no?

Yes, this was the right decision. There is a point where there are just some things that we can no longer do. That does not mean the rest of the world has to stop to accommodate us. Your sister would not have enjoyed this trip and whoever was in charge of her even less. At worst she could have been disruptive to the celebration or required emergency medical care, ruining the entire trip.

My father was very popular with his nieces and nephews. There was a wedding several states away that I planned to attend with my daughter. At the time my father was still living on his own with help from me. I was concerned I would be pressured by relatives to bring him and decided if that was the case I would not attend. I wanted to be a guest, not a caregiver. I had visions of him finding an excuse to go to the ER while we were there.

I understand that this is coming from a place of caring, but please let your sister's family handle it, and accept their choices gracefully. If you're not involved in her day-to-day care, there are challenges you couldn't even begin to imagine. Please trust that they have thought this through and have made the best decision for all.

One of the hardest things about caregiving is when people who don't really know what it's like on a daily basis try to impose what they think is best. Please take a back seat on this one.

I feel it was a good idea to not take her. When my son got married out of state we decided it was best to leave my mother in law with a relative. As mother of the groom there was no way I could take care of her and get myself ready for the wedding.

As a caregiver (mostly for elderly) for nearly 25 years I can say that travel with an elder who had dementia should be avoided unless it's absolutely necessary.
There are times and events that children don't belong at. There are some times and events where elderly people with dementia don't belong at either.
A Las Vegas wedding is one such place. The mother with dementia should not go. They can have a small reception with her at home like Chickie1 suggests. That's the best idea on the thread.

It probably was the right decision. Since you are not the caregiver, you most likely don’t know what’s involved in the day to day care of her. Accept their decision. I’m speaking as a caregiver. Everyone (non-caregivers) always have an opinion, most times it’s unsolicited.

Can't second guess your sister's son's decision. It's been made. What could be done is to have a small reception, when her son returns. Even if it's just cake and champagne with festive balloons. Could some attending, take a video to show your sister or face time before or after ceremony?

Traveling and taking care of someone with dementia in a hotel room is not easy. You can't leave them alone while you're in the shower because they can walk right out the door. Not to mention all of the walking involved and not being near a restroom when they may need it emergently. Vegas is not the place to take an elderly person with dementia. They absolutely made the right decision in not taking mom.

You have my sympathy & understanding. When my son announced his wedding in 2014, I had made arrangements to accommodate my Mother & Aunt. My Mother then informed me to say she would not be attending. Afterwards, my Aunt told me the same. Of course I was very heartbroken because I had been the one to care for both of them in their declining years for 20 years(my Mother, followed by my Aunt). Then I realized, they were being considerate of me. They were both in their 90’s & yes, it would have been difficult for them to attend, but my Mom was afraid that something might happen to her or my Aunt that would interrupt me from the wedding. After the initial hurt of them not attending a very special event in our lives, I am grateful they were honest with me.

susieq702: It is the correct decision to not bring the individual with Alzheimer's to the Vegas style wedding although it is sad that her ill mindset makes her feel unwanted, of course.

If she needs to have a consistent routine and a consistent environment, then this trip may be too confusing and cause a lot of anxiety for her. If she can handle a lot of changes in routines, she might (notice I said might and not will) do ok.

If older sister has dementia and OP has arthritis, the chances are that the bride and groom are middle aged, possibly on a second marriage. Perhaps the Vegas location is a shrug to the ‘gamble’ nature of it. This isn’t the same as a first marriage of young people with a blushing bride and nervous groom.

OPs decision can be a model for sister. Besides alz, there’s many good reasons to not go. It’s going to be a boiling desert where everyone’s going to be crowded indoors, increasing covid risk. Nevada Casinos let people smoke indoors and supply free booze. It’s kind of a chaotic environment with many reasons why even “normal” people wouldn’t go.

share your reasons with your sister and encourage her to adapt said reasons.

Maybe there is no one going that can manage the care for your sister for the entire time of the Vegas trip. Can you change your mind about going - maybe for a shorter period of time? Take her to wedding and perhaps the reception if she's still ok, but be prepared to cut out should she be disruptive??

This would be the right decision from one person's perspective and wrong from another's. She seems to have enough mental ability to understand the wedding is still happening and to have feelings about it. However, unless there is someone with her to devote their time to her, she could possibly end up alone in a corner with confusion creeping in.

As other said, blame it on the heat, covid issues or whatever you have to so that it smooths her ruffled feathers and maybe gets her in the mode of a trip might be risky to her health. Ask the son if he can arrange for her to watch it on a computer at home and let him know she is aware that's she's been uninvited and it would be a way to include her that day. Yes, she has a mental disease that will rob her of many memories, but it doesn't appear she's there quite yet.

The bride and groom will be making memories that last a lifetime on their wedding day. Eventually, your sister with Alzheimer's won't remember them let alone their wedding. Guilting them about who they invite to their wedding is inappropriate and rude.

She's feeling unwanted because she - or rather she with her disease - is unwanted.

From the point of view of the bride and groom, it probably was the right decision, yes; given that their priority is, naturally, the wedding they planned.

From the point of view of your sister, the decision to have their wedding in a place and in a style she couldn't share excluded her and therefore, naturally, sucks. Evidently she's not so far gone that she doesn't understand that her son's getting married and she's not welcome; and both of things are unavoidably true. What's she supposed to feel? Hey ho them's the breaks?

Is the groom's father still married to her and still closely involved in her care?

I don't know what I'd say to her in your position. What does she say? Do you think there is anything the son and his bride could and would be willing to do to make it up to her?

It is the case that younger people aren't always willing to accommodate older generations' needs, and sometimes it's fair enough and sometimes it's regrettable. I don't know which applies here.

Thats wrong that lady can't help she has this. So sad if she doesn't let her go. I would not talk to my sister anymore for her treating her like that. TAKE HER

I get that the bride and groom want their special day to be about them....and it should be.

Maybe you could tell your sister that Vegas is dangerously hot right now and its not wise for older folks to be in that kind of heat. Tell her that you are staying home like she is...

Another poster suggested setting up a zoom so that your sister could see the wedding that way. Not a bad idea.

Is there a way they could include her by live streaming the wedding? We had multiple friends get married in Vegas, with the most recent posting a live stream link to their wedding. Everyone was able to see the entire ceremony. For any celebration afterward, surely someone could link her in via FaceTime or Zoom so she could feel included. Has her symptoms progressed to the point where she's not able to travel, becomes easily disoriented or would cause a disruption? Being there in person would be the best choice, but virtually should definitely be an option if in person would not work. I think somehow, some way, your sister should be included, but I do agree that ultimately, it should be the bride and groom's decision.

I think it's up to the bride and groom. I went to a wedding 2 years ago that the grandmother of the groom had dementia. The groom's mother had insisted that her mother be included. The lady was very disruptive during the ceremony and reception. The bride was very upset and the groom has been estranged from his mother since the wedding. The groom's parents have since divorced.

Here there has been a move to ‘intimate weddings’ for the last couple of years, because of the Covid restrictions on ‘super-spreader’ gatherings, and the risk of last-minute cancellations. Almost no-one attends. Couples have been happy with it, because of less stress and heaps less cost. As restrictions ease, they can make up their own minds about how to have a more public celebration.

Perhaps you could even blame her non-attendance on the infection risk?

When my father was too sick to attend his grandson's wedding, and we all knew he wouldn't last until the wedding date anyway, my son chose to move the ceremony into dad's room at his ALF instead. Dad got to witness his only grandchild get married, in the only way it would be possible FOR him to witness it, and he passed away not 18 hours later.

I don't think the OP was originally asking us if this decision was 'the right decision' or not; this post was altered from the original question.

There is no 'right or wrong' when Alzheimer's is involved. Lots of strategies have to be used to insure the elder is properly cared for, and that includes keeping her OUT of crowded and confused places, like weddings, where there's lots of commotion involved.

If this were me, I would create a small ceremony for my my mother to witness her son get married in, even if it was 'fake' and for 'show' purposes only. Then a small intimate dinner afterward so mom could feel a part of everything, as she should. To know she's purposely being left out of her own son's wedding is cruel, and something ought to be done to recognize her as the mother of the groom. In my opinion. This disease is cruel enough w/o robbing her of something ELSE she should be a part of.

Good luck.

The only way to know 100% would be to take her. And to do that would maybe be a huge mistake, or not.
Try taking her way for a weekend at a hotel.
Travel for 4 or 5 hours. Even if you have to take a train or bus and get back to your car and drive around for a while. Then get to the hotel and wait around until you can check in. Do some sight seeing, walk a lot. Then go to dinner. Once you get into bed make sure all the doors are locked so that she can not get out if she decides to wander off.
My guess is part way through the first day during your travel she will want to go home. And at some point she will become agitated.
OH, make sure that you take her into a public bathroom and try to change her clothes.

I guess to answer your question...travel with someone with dementia is not an easy task. She will do much better at home.

I think the right thing to do for your sister's son to do would be have a small ceremony at the house for him, the bride and his mom so she can participate and she can see the couple dressed up. It does not even have to be the clothes they will wear AT the wedding.
And I think the right thing to do is when the couple returns home to have a small reception that mom can participate in as well. And your sister should wear a true "mother of the bride" dress. You can take her shopping while every one is in hot, sweltering, expensive Las Vegas.

I have been to Vegas for a wedding. My daughter was married by Elvis. The Bride and Groom were dressed like the 50s. Daughter had a Poodle skirt and everything that went with it. The ceremony was held in the Do Wop diner. Only 15 people could attend. So that was parents from both sides. My brother and wife and a favorite cousin from Brides side. Rest were witnesses and friends.
We had to stand outside the venue till it was our turn. Here is a peek https://www.vivalasvegasweddings.com/las-vegas-wedding-chapels/the-doo-wop-diner

I so hope that your sister is to the point her disappointment will be short lived. COVID is on the rise again. With your health problems, Airports and airplanes are not where either of you should be. And as explained, the whole trip will be very confusing for ur sister. Someone would need to constantly be caring for her so she can see 5 min of a ceremony. She probably thinks its a big ceremony with a reception.

They did stream my daughter's and that was 2010. Streaming has improved since then. Just get sis comfortably in her favorite chair. Turn the lights down and watch it from the comfort of home. I used to do this for Church for Mom when she could no longer go. She thought she was there.

So yes, the decision not to take sis was a good one.

I would leave this decision to the opinion of the bride and groom who I am assuming know the elder involved, and to the family at large who ALSO know the elder involved. I tend to think with others here that such a trip is not usually enjoyable for someone dealing with dementia. In middle stages they can be very aware of their deficits and very uncomfortable. Because this is not in the elder's town everyone is STUCK in an environment not their own. I would simply honestly discuss with the person involved the reasons she isn't going quite honestly. I think that BlueEyedGirl34 has great great ideas about attempting to make this elder feel loved and included. Even a small candid photo album would help, just something to say she is loved and missed, and that people want to in some way share this.
In this day of destination weddings and so on I am HAPPY to be excluded myself. Hee hee. But we're all different, and that's what it's all abou!

How the op worded the question originally was clear. The admin edit, not so much. It sounds like the sisters family has the Alzheimer’s symptoms without clarifying who “she” and “her” are. Which actually still isn’t clear.

If it’s the sister, what has the son told her about why they’re not taking her? Lots of stair climbing? Big commotion? Too much driving? Those can also be the reasons that you tell her is why you aren’t going either.

The fact that you aren’t going will make her feel less alone, you know? And there are probably others who can’t go due to their work or kid obligations, and some who would prefer not going to the middle of a desert at the start of summer.

Try to take her mind off of being unwanted by redirecting those thoughts to why it’s more comfortable to not go.

Because of the disconnection between their brains and the environment, Alzheimer's patients do not enjoy attending social events. They are likely to be disruptive too. For a person with advanced dementia, a wedding, a baptism, a graduation or bar mitzvah is meaningless, just a bunch of people.

I think a perfect solution is to either ask if they can live stream or provide a video of the wedding. And maybe spend some time with her before or after the wedding in a special way. Increasingly destination weddings are beginning to prevent a number of people from attending weddings for people that would attend if they were local and that doesn't mean those people don't love the bride and groom very much.

Last year we were able to attend the wedding of my nephew because, while he had a destination wedding, it was in our state (albeit was a 6 hour drive), but my FIL and the other living grandparent were not able to make the trip because both have health issues that preclude the long drive AND it was on a beach which made access a major issue for both. So they were able to watch the video later. And the bride and groom spent time with both at a different time.

My niece (sister of the groom from the wedding above) will be getting married next year and there is a very good chance we will not be able to attend because they want to get married in a very northern state, in a winter month when it will definitely be snowing, in a remote area which will require flights, and transportation, and lodging for nearly a week which will be costly for my family of four during a time when both of my daughters will have classes and taking time away is unadvised to begin with. We love both of them equally and if the wedding was closer we would 100% attend. But the expense and the location (as well as the potential for flights to be cancelled and add additional expense and additional time away) are definitely going to prevent us from attending and we already know that and we've already expressed our regrets that we can't attend. We absolutely don't have any expectations that they would make any changes for us because this is their wedding. As it is, it is already dicey whether her own parents will be able to make it. They will move heaven and earth and be there, but it is a lot to make it happen.

The reason I say that is this. Weddings are already often a minefield with lots of places where people can get their feelings hurt to begin with. You add in a parent of the bride or groom with dementia or ALZ that can't travel to the mix and if you start trying to make huge adjustments to the plan to accommodate and you could have long term hurt feelings in the mix. So if that is where they want to get married, they should continue their plans and get married in Vegas and try their best to do something very special for your sister to make her feel included in the very best way they can. ALZ is very unpredictable Traveling is difficult. Someone would need to be with her 24/7 and there is no guarantee that she would even be at her best for the wedding in the first place. She would be in an unfamiliar situation. In an unfamiliar place. She would be experiencing a huge life change away from home.

Its best for all concerned if they can do something extra special just for her to make her feel important and wanted.

Can they live stream the wedding?

If so, make it a special occasion--get dressed up and make hors d'oeuvres and mocktails.

Ask them to video tape the wedding. I think that they have made the right decision traveling with a person who has dementia can be a nightmare.