Mom has dementia and in-laws are criticizing me. What to do?

Bee, some people are just like that. You don't have to be! - this isn't a case of if you can't beat them, join them. My mother's family, I am sorry to say, went about discussions in this way. Never rude to anyone's face, my goodness me no, but forever titting and sniping away in the background. I struggle to recall a single spontaneous compliment they ever paid another family member in my hearing. And my goodness can't it get a girl down…!

Time, I think, for you to enjoy a little mischief. Next time his mother tells your husband how wicked and unfilial it is for you to have consigned your mother to gaol (or is it a proper torture-chamber?) just because her housekeeping wasn't up to perfect scratch, he should give a devilish grin, poke her in the chest playfully and say "guess what she's lining up for you!"

Don't go looking for extra worries. Let people who don't make the decisions and don't know the half of it speak their silly minds. It's no skin off your nose, and if airing grievances makes your mother happy too… sigh, well so much the better. I hope you weren't expecting any thanks for doing this terribly difficult job?

We had a family member launch into another family member because her mother was in AL. This hurt the younger woman terribly, as she was dealing with her own emotions. What we figured out later was the older woman was projecting her own fears about getting older and this being her future too. Bless your husband for defending you and your decisions.

Unfortunately, this kind of behavior can happen in families. You just have to accept they won't give you support, be grateful they aren't confronting you with their comments and just keep doing what you know to be best. They may not be doing this intentionally to hurt you....maybe it's their way to ignore things that make them uncomfortable.

Why did your husband bother to tell you what they said?

Why is this your in laws business at all? Who are these people who feel they can intrude upon you and your parents and give you absolutely no support? I don't blame you for being angry. I would not confront or even acknowledge these people's opinions unless they are willing to help you and support you. And I agree that it is nice your husband defends you. I am just amazed that his parents have any voice what so ever. Turn them off and close your ears to them.

Thanks, I'll try the mantra, but I can't talk to my in-laws. We have a long history of non-communication between us. I blow up easily and like to have things out in the open, while they move in the shadows and keep grudges, so I don't really feel responsible for the situation. I have been imposed on so many times. The thing is, everyone else is so nice to me about my mom - her banker, her former landlord, her nurses - a smile or a kind word is so important. Everyone who has known my mom for more than a few years tell me the same thing: she has memory issues, she has trouble making decisions. Everyone except them: they are the only people I know who pretend (at least to my face) that nothing is wrong. I can't understand it, and I think that they are doing it to hurt me.

First ,good for your husband for standing up to his mother in your defense. Then, I would call MIL's bluff, tell her take your mom home with her and do better, I don't think she will take up your offer.

Yes. I would practice this mantra whenever anyone says anything...further, I would confront my i laws and without offending, just say "I really appreciate that you visit mom, and also understand that you don't agree with my decision on her care...however, you dont undersytand all my history with mom and how she can be..I've therefore taken the best steps possible to ensure mom is safe, healthy and cared for by skilled experts. I have made this decision with the best long term interest of mom and my family including being my best for your son".

Mantra: I've made the best decision possible to ensure moms health, safety and welbeing under the circumstances". I don't have the skills, time and emotional strength to care for her like the NH can". "I hope I can count on your support. Please feel free to visit, call, send cards, treats to mom"

You can't force your mom to stop discussing you with your MIL. You can't force your MIL to acknowledge what you do for your mom and you also can't force your MIL from being condescending. It's reasonable to expect that your husband would stand up to his mother if she is criticizing you but you have no control over this either.

The only thing you have control over is how you react (or not react) to these things. Take care of your own business and your mom's finances to the best of your ability and let the rest roll off your back. There's nothing you can do about how others perceive you.