Mom has dementia and in-laws are criticizing me. What to do?

sorry "take no enemies" was meant to say "take no prisoners"

I've come up with a new one liner for couples in the midst of such caregiving wars.

"Married folks "love the one you're with", "dam the torpedoes" in the way, and "take no prisoners" in dealing with the mess at hand!"

Take care!

Bee sounds as though both sides diserve each other so don't get caught in the crossfire and take care of you and hubby. i bet there is a lot hubby has not told you about his upbringing. After 50+ years of marriage my bubby ahs told a lot recently.

Bee, kudos to you for being aware of your mom's role in this dance.

bee, I am sorry to hear that. This situation sounds like one of those toxic sick ones that is beyond description.

Backing way far back from all of this drama, how are you and your husband doing?

What are each of you doing to detox from the ever present toxicity so that ya'll are not overloading each other emotionally or driving others away because of being constantly on edge.

If you don't already have some effective means of detoxing, I'd suggest both of you see a therapist separately to discharge the emotional toxic dust that one can't help but pick up when dealing with stuff like this.

With your mother living in a nursing home for about a year now and you've got your in-law's dynamic figured out, you can focus more on taking care of you, your life, your marriage, your future and take no enemies when it comes to maintaining your boundaries.

Love, prayers and hugs. Take care and keep in touch.

I don't want to make excuses for my in-law, but it is likely that they are manipulated by my mother, even if her mind iis not what it used to be. It would make total sense that she paints herself as a victim of her evil, power-hungry daughter and begs my in-laws to keep a close watch on her. She has always used my strained relationship with them to hurt me (praising them to me and reproaching me for my behaviour to them, yet also dissing them whenever she had the chance). One of the strongest reasons I have for not cutting off ties with them entirely is that I know how pleased my mother would be about it. I have seen her poison too many relationships.

I would print out this thread, give a copy to hubby and mail a copy to the in laws. I cannot imagine why you are putting up with these people! Were they always close with your Mom? Would love to have a chat with your hubby!

These are toxic people and should be removed from any dealings with your family.

bee, why have you always tiptoed around your inlaws? What can they really do to you? I really think your husband needs to stand up for you against them and set some boundaries. It does not sound like reconciliation is a real probability.

I wasn't being humorous. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Hidden and outright criticisms. Fortunately I'm terrible at reading between the lines or knowing subtleties. The words I quoted is my way of subtly telling them that one day they will be in an NH. They may not Get It but trust me the words will circulate. It could backfire on your though. When I read your latest updates, I was angry and frustrated with their continual actions....

The NH was wondering what she was doing there, but they are used to dealing with crazy stuff, so they did not ask too many questions. My mom did make a big scene on that day, whereas she had been consistently looking forward to the move. I don't know if my MIL had anything to do with it (I have heard her tell mom in other instances that she was terribly cared for at the NH).
I am afraid that any attempt at humor would be totally lost on my in-laws - basic, honest communication is already a struggle for them. In any case, I warned the medical staff of the situation. Not sure it will do much, but at least I got to unload.

Bee, you need to talk to the head nurse or administrator in charge of protocol and outside visitors. I cannot say non-family visitors because your in-laws can claim to be parents of her son-in-law doing their visits to keep your mom company. How can the NH argue against that? So find out where you and the inlaws stand with regards to visitation.

If they are not obviously upsetting your mom, I don't think the NH will stop it. if they notice she becomes aggressive after their visits, they might put a stop. But that means you need to be proactive in calling the NH or visit your mom to know what's up. I'm not crazy about that.

Since FIL is being so rude, just give it back to him... Just simply say, "everyone gets old. It's great that you're visiting my mom so that the NH will become familiar to you...like your second home." Make sure to smile widely while saying this through the phone. People can hear a person smile through the phone.

Did the nh say that having your in laws there made things worse, or not? Your in laws are idiots, but unless they are actively harming the situation, I'd leave them be and just ignore the idiocy that they are spouting. You can do that, can't you?

Look, you know that you've done the right thing by placing mom. Your in-laws see this through a different lens. As much as it would be lovely for you to have their support, you don't need their approval. Can you just laugh at their comments and say " you simply don't understand how I'll mom is; she puts on a good act for you, and I'm glad you have the pleasure of each other's company"?

My husband agrees that they have overstepped boundaries but is torn in his loyalty to them and naturally wants reconciliation. We have always tiptoed around them, so it is difficult to make our voices heard.

Bee I am afraid it has nothing to do with your mother's dementia, it has everything to do with using your mother as a weapon to hurt you. Don't know what their reasoning is but FILs remark was way out of line. MIL just made the visit so she could have a front row seat at the show. how did your hubby react to his parent's behaviour. It's your mother so you can tell staff who is permitted to see your mother. Give them a list of people who are authorized to visit. Make very sure that when the in laws need any help in the future you will be unavailable.

If you have POA, look into not letting them see or call mom at all. Also you don't see them either, have no contact with them. They don't seem good for you. Been there done that.

Just thought I would rant here. My mother has been moved to another unit of the nursing home - apparently for behaviour issues. The nursing staff told me that it would be best to avoid visits on the day of the move, which happened to be the day that my MIL had planned to visit (I have asked her to give me notice of her visits) so when I got her text (on said morning), I asked her to postpone the visit and gave her the reason. I got no answer to my text. I called the nursing home throughout the day to know how my mother was doing, and they told me that the move had been difficult and that my mother had thrown a big tantrum. When I went to visit her later in the new place she told me that my MIL had spent the afternoon with her during the move. I called my in-laws to confront them about this. My mother-in-law told me that she had not been in the way at all and my father-in-law said that "this must be a big blow to my ego". They are using my mother's dementia as a power game.

Veronica - I only reported what I heard my MIL tell my mom at a family party.
Pam - you made me laugh (which is not easy these days) - there is no way they would not take this seriously. I have never seen anyone make fun of them.
Surprise - thank you so much for your support. You are right - I had never realized that mom was probably a hoarder all her life, because my dad did an excellent job covering up for her.
I talked to the nursing home about the incident. I have also asked around for advice, but was told that there was not much I could do. So my plan is to try and move on - until the next crisis.
Thank you all so much for your support and words of wisdom. You have been incredibly helpful.

Mantra: "I got this. What I need from you is (make a list...support, money, etc). If you cannot help, then please do not criticize, offer suggestions, opinions or lay any other verbal nonsense on top of me." It's kind of like going out to vote; if you don't vote, you have no right to say anything about what is decided.

Hahaah Pam I love that answer! So nice to have some humor once in awhile! Thanks and blessings to you, Linda

You have done totally right by your mother. The in-laws look at her and are terrified that this will be their future. Reassure them that you will not put them in a nursing home. You will just take their car away, and let them fall down and die as soon as possible.

Child of hoarder (COH) here. When my in laws were giving me grief about not seeing my mthr as frequently as they thought I should, I would shrug my shoulders and say, "Its so hard to deal with (undiagnosed in our case) mental illness. Sometimes you can see it, and sometimes you can't." I left it at that, and they would all shut right up and go to another topic. Hoarding is in the classification manual now, so it is an official mental illness.

These In Laws don't want to believe you are right - after all, they have difficulties with you and completely understand how "horrible" (according to your mom) you have been to your mother as well. I don't know that you can do a darn thing with them except - never let them see you sweat! Pretend that nothing bothers you so you are not feeding any of them their need for narcissistic supply. Then go home and beat up your pillow! Let hubby know that they don't need to be encouraged with any complaints on y'all's part.

Many times us COH need therapy to deal with how we were raised, the narcissism of our parents (we marry children of narcissists too), and the lack of boundaries we have. A good starting place is Townsend and Cloud's book, Boundaries, which you can get cheap on Amazon. Cognitive therapy helps you think about why you behave certain ways and lets you think about how you can better handle things before they happen again. I was estranged from mthr for 8 years but took on caring for her when APS called with concerns 2.5 years ago - she never set one foot in my house but went straight to memory care. I never could have done this and survived 20 years ago!

You sound like you are at the caring for mom and not thriving place I would have been. It's so hard. Know that you are not alone.

It is your mother. They have no rights. Tell the nursing home firmly that no one takes Mom out without your permission.
How do you know they tell Mom how horrible nursing homes are? Does she tell you? Does it upset her or is she doing it to pit you against the in laws because she enjoys a good brawl? i see no problem with them taking her out as long as it is safe but you retain control in that you first are asked for permission. I would not bother to say anything this time just put the new rules in place and see what happens. If you don't have POA there is nothing you can do and Mom is free to go out when she chooses. Just try and step back and not get sucked into their games but make it very clear to hubby that when they need care they are not going to live under your roof. Relax you have things properly set up for Mom and she is being cared for let the professionals deal with the hoarding etc. You don't have to be at her beck and call every minute

Your inlaws are idiots and you should ignore them as such.

I agree with the others that they are afraid you will put them in a NH when the time comes....well you could tell them this is the last person you will be the caretaker for, and you know that they wouldn't want you or your husband caring for them so they should make other plans...like long term care insurance. No one complaining on the sidelines understands what it is like to take care of a dementia patient. I'd do my best to ignore them. Blessings to you, Linda

You say your husband is only home on weekends and that the complaints from his parents were that BOTH of you were not properly looking after your mom. Hmmm...is your husband caring for his parents now? Maybe they are afraid they will be placed into a long care facility down the road, so they are showing their objections now.

Also, if they visit your mom, they only see her best face for a short time. If she has dementia, then they will eventually see just what the progression is like. They will likely not visit as much when that happens. Plus, they don't have the right to visit her. As POA, you could prevent it, though, I'm not sure what purpose it would serve except give them more to complain about.

IMO, your husband should defend HIMSELF and you by explaining to his parents that they don't know what they are talking about and that you do and are doing the right thing. End of discussion. If they kept it up, I think I would put them on the list as people who aren't allowed visits with your mom, because what they are doing is just plain mean. You should be praised to your mom, not belittled. Thinking people would know this.

Goodness, Bee, you must be livid. How idiotic of them. How rude. How inconsiderate. Honestly!

Well. If there's been no harm done to your mother, and she was returned safe and sound, and your in-laws are not physically near enough for you to wring their necks at the moment, you have time to take stock. Just because your mother is happily stirring the pot, you don't have to join in. But if it were me I'd certainly have a word with the nursing home to check out their risk assessments - I can't think what they were doing cheerfully waving her off without first ensuring that the people taking her were AOK. So she enjoyed her day out. Great! Let her. And let them have the trouble and expense of taking her - at least that's one job you didn't have to sort out. But once she gets to the point, and she will, where your MIL's remarks begin to frighten or distress her, or she becomes disoriented and is therefore at increased risk when she returns, you put your foot down. You can only tolerate silliness and irresponsibility while it's not doing any actual harm. I feel for you. Ignorant snipers are a grade A pain.

Just an update - we were traveling around Christmas so I gave an early Christmas party for my mother and my in-laws. Everyone seemed to have a good time. On Christmas day my sister-in-law (brother's wife) called me because she was trying to reach my mom. We then found out that my in-laws had come and taken my mother out for the day without notifying us (they have since gone on vacation so we have not confronted them yet). My narcissistic mother is naturally enjoying the situation very much, since she is quite aware that my in-laws and I do not get along. As for my in-laws, they do not talk to me but I have heard my MIL tell my mom a couple of weeks ago that nursing homes were awful and that all the people she knew who had gone to one had never made it beyond a few months - "nobody took care of them". My mom has made lots of friends in the nursing home and her physical health is better than a year ago, so at least I know what to think about this.

I agree with Linda, it could be projection of their own fears of where they'll end up. Since in most families it's the women (I know, not all but most) who are the ones making those kinds of decisions, because they're the ones doing the caregiving work, I think your in-laws are trying to lay down a marker with their son that assisted living isn't feasible/desirable for them. I think it's a fear-based criticism.

I love Countrymouse's comeback ("guess what she's lining up for you!"), but I'm afraid it will just play into their existing fears. I'd just be sweet as pie to them and ignore their criticisms and comments. They're in denial and afraid. And super annoying, I know. Don't let them get to you.

Bee, I feel for you! One of the truest truths ever written came from a little pamphlet I was given long ago, published by the NYC Dept of Health about having a successful marriage. It suggested that often, problems with one's in-laws arise from unresolved issues with one's own parents. Now certainly, your in-laws are behaving badly! No question about that; but if you are so upset by them that you blow up at them, and at your blameless co-worker, I think it's time for you to seek out some therapy to help you deal with this sad situation. In terms of your long term physical health, learning to deal with these stresses is a good investment. I hope you don't take offense; I'm not blaming the victim! Just want you to get all the tools you need for this sad journey. PS, I think that you're a great daughter for getting mom the help she needs.

palmtrees, this is exactly how I feel. My husband thinks that they were voicing their concerns because of their moral standards - I am afraid that I can't quite see it that way.
jeanne, I think he told me because he doesn't like their sneakiness - he also said that he was not telling me everything they said (I think I'll pass on that).

Thank you so much for all the support and advice. You all make me feel much better. I lashed out at a co-worker today, she was close to tears (I feel horrible about this). I realize how much the whole situation has been weighing me down - the in-laws are really the cherry on the cake here. Husband is torn between his parents and me, so I can't really discuss them with him.