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My mom has been diagnosed with dementia and has been living in a nursing home for about a year. She was living in squalor (still is, she is a hoarder) and she has NPD. I am trying to sort out her finances while working and taking care of my family (husband only at home on weekends). My in-laws have never offered me a word of support or comfort, but they have recently told my husband that we were doing a poor job taking care of my mother (and my husband felt that he has to justify my actions, which makes me furious). They say that my mom should not be in a nursing home and that her only problem is that she is a bit "messy" (condescending tone). I know that my mother plays the victim whenever anyone visits her and I suspect that she and my mother-in-law discuss me a lot. I feel completely stressed out, even though I am not a caregiver, and it is now taking a toll at work and at home. What can I do?

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You can't force your mom to stop discussing you with your MIL. You can't force your MIL to acknowledge what you do for your mom and you also can't force your MIL from being condescending. It's reasonable to expect that your husband would stand up to his mother if she is criticizing you but you have no control over this either.

The only thing you have control over is how you react (or not react) to these things. Take care of your own business and your mom's finances to the best of your ability and let the rest roll off your back. There's nothing you can do about how others perceive you.
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First ,good for your husband for standing up to his mother in your defense. Then, I would call MIL's bluff, tell her take your mom home with her and do better, I don't think she will take up your offer.
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Why is this your in laws business at all? Who are these people who feel they can intrude upon you and your parents and give you absolutely no support? I don't blame you for being angry. I would not confront or even acknowledge these people's opinions unless they are willing to help you and support you. And I agree that it is nice your husband defends you. I am just amazed that his parents have any voice what so ever. Turn them off and close your ears to them.
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Bee, some people are just like that. You don't have to be! - this isn't a case of if you can't beat them, join them. My mother's family, I am sorry to say, went about discussions in this way. Never rude to anyone's face, my goodness me no, but forever titting and sniping away in the background. I struggle to recall a single spontaneous compliment they ever paid another family member in my hearing. And my goodness can't it get a girl down…!

Time, I think, for you to enjoy a little mischief. Next time his mother tells your husband how wicked and unfilial it is for you to have consigned your mother to gaol (or is it a proper torture-chamber?) just because her housekeeping wasn't up to perfect scratch, he should give a devilish grin, poke her in the chest playfully and say "guess what she's lining up for you!"

Don't go looking for extra worries. Let people who don't make the decisions and don't know the half of it speak their silly minds. It's no skin off your nose, and if airing grievances makes your mother happy too… sigh, well so much the better. I hope you weren't expecting any thanks for doing this terribly difficult job?
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I agree with the others that they are afraid you will put them in a NH when the time comes....well you could tell them this is the last person you will be the caretaker for, and you know that they wouldn't want you or your husband caring for them so they should make other plans...like long term care insurance. No one complaining on the sidelines understands what it is like to take care of a dementia patient. I'd do my best to ignore them. Blessings to you, Linda
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Yes. I would practice this mantra whenever anyone says anything...further, I would confront my i laws and without offending, just say "I really appreciate that you visit mom, and also understand that you don't agree with my decision on her care...however, you dont undersytand all my history with mom and how she can be..I've therefore taken the best steps possible to ensure mom is safe, healthy and cared for by skilled experts. I have made this decision with the best long term interest of mom and my family including being my best for your son".

Mantra: I've made the best decision possible to ensure moms health, safety and welbeing under the circumstances". I don't have the skills, time and emotional strength to care for her like the NH can". "I hope I can count on your support. Please feel free to visit, call, send cards, treats to mom"
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We had a family member launch into another family member because her mother was in AL. This hurt the younger woman terribly, as she was dealing with her own emotions. What we figured out later was the older woman was projecting her own fears about getting older and this being her future too. Bless your husband for defending you and your decisions.

Unfortunately, this kind of behavior can happen in families. You just have to accept they won't give you support, be grateful they aren't confronting you with their comments and just keep doing what you know to be best. They may not be doing this intentionally to hurt you....maybe it's their way to ignore things that make them uncomfortable.
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It is your mother. They have no rights. Tell the nursing home firmly that no one takes Mom out without your permission.
How do you know they tell Mom how horrible nursing homes are? Does she tell you? Does it upset her or is she doing it to pit you against the in laws because she enjoys a good brawl? i see no problem with them taking her out as long as it is safe but you retain control in that you first are asked for permission. I would not bother to say anything this time just put the new rules in place and see what happens. If you don't have POA there is nothing you can do and Mom is free to go out when she chooses. Just try and step back and not get sucked into their games but make it very clear to hubby that when they need care they are not going to live under your roof. Relax you have things properly set up for Mom and she is being cared for let the professionals deal with the hoarding etc. You don't have to be at her beck and call every minute
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You have done totally right by your mother. The in-laws look at her and are terrified that this will be their future. Reassure them that you will not put them in a nursing home. You will just take their car away, and let them fall down and die as soon as possible.
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Bee I am afraid it has nothing to do with your mother's dementia, it has everything to do with using your mother as a weapon to hurt you. Don't know what their reasoning is but FILs remark was way out of line. MIL just made the visit so she could have a front row seat at the show. how did your hubby react to his parent's behaviour. It's your mother so you can tell staff who is permitted to see your mother. Give them a list of people who are authorized to visit. Make very sure that when the in laws need any help in the future you will be unavailable.
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