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No matter what I do it will NEVER be enough to please my Sister. She was furious that I questioned her "right" to reimburse herself with my Mother's money. Ripped into me saying how dare I question her as she does so much for my Mother. I don't disagree that she does a lot for my Mother. My Mother lives down the street from her in an assisted living facility. I live out of state. I do as much as I can to help. It will never be enough. She screams, "JUMP!" and if I don't say, "How High!" the sh!t hits the fan!


We have never gotten along. Estranged for years at a time. She will keep medical information from me about my Mom when we aren't speaking. Purposefully keep me out of the loop in regards to my Mother's health and welfare. My Sister has Medical POA and my Brother has Financial POA. So I am out of the loop.


I don't know how I am going to get through this with my Mom. My Sister is going to make this as difficult as possible.

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Update! So she called me this past Friday. We spent about 2 hours on the phone and got NO WHERE! She paints me as a villainous loser. I tried to remain calm and not get defensive. I asked her what we both could do to make this sibling relationship work and move forward and her reply was, "I'll ignore you". Then the next day she called me and acted like she hadn't ripped my head off the day before. Its a crazy merry-go-round. But I agree with StaceyB... right now I need to be involved with my Mom's care and if I pull out of this sibling relationship I will be pushed out. I'm just gong to try my best to create boundaries. It isn't easy... wish me luck.
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I'm sorry for you impossible situation, but the best you can do for your Mom is to try to get along. At least you know that You won't get caught up in the financial mess that she could be creating, should your Mom ever need to go onto Medicaid to pay for Nursing home care, other than that, continue to be involved with your Mom the best that you can, and continue to show your appreciation for the ones who are on the ground, doing the hands on care that is always nessassary in the care of our parents.

I know that you know how hard that truly is, and No, she should be being transparent about Moms funds for her own good, if only to keep herself in check. If things are obviously out of sorts, report her to APS. Sister relationships can be complicated!
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Report your sister to adult protective services.
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Yes, Medicaid look back period is 5 years in most states, 8 years in a few states.
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My Brother is the financial POA but is terrified of the impossible sister and will do what he is told. My Mother is incompetent. She gives my Sister her ATM card to pay for things or to get her cash. My Sister reimburses herself from there. I am not against her reimbursing herself for things she is buying for my Mother. AllI wanted to do is discuss the parameters of reimbursement so that everyone would be on the same page with expectations. That is all it took for her to attack me. She makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough. I could never jump high enuf for her.

I honestly feel like I should just cut off all communication with her. But I know she will purposefully keep me out of the loop in regards to my Mothers health and care.

She and I have never gotten along. I shouldn't be surprised that we still don't now. I knew when my Mom moved near her years ago that this would be difficult... I knew my Sister wasn't cut out to be a caretaker. She doesn't even like my Mom.
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I noticed that too, Midkid58. So many seem to think POA means final say. NOT if the elder is still competent!
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You have my deepest sympathies. I have a very controlling brother who completely controls mother to the point I don't think she even is allowed an opinion of her own.

He, too, will completely blow up at any hint of "neglect" of her care, of which he has CHOSEN to be 100% responsible. A recent family meeting he was screaming at the top of his lungs at me, primarily, and the other 3 sibs, by connection.

I don't think he's taking money under guise of anything--my other brother keeps a semi-interested look at mother's financials, but he could be skimming from her and we'd never know. She primarily deals in cash.

Since there is no possibility Mother will ever go into care, and Medicaid won't be involved, I never think about that end of things.

If your mom is still competent, the POA means nothing! Too many people take the term "POA" to mean they have a final say over everything. Not true. You have every right to know what sister knows. Good luck and try to get to talk to your mother...this spending of hers can result in disaster. Your mother is NOT an ATM for sister's wants.
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How can sister reimburse herself if brother is financial POA? If she is being reimbursed for personal items sh bought Mom (like depends) then I see no problem. But Medicaid will question large amounts coming out of Mom's accounts. This money is to go for Mom's care. Brother should be aware of how this would effect Mom in the future. And I agree, even though Mom is in an AL the caregiver still has responsibilities. ALs do not provide personal items or food residents buy to have in their rooms.
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...or at least call APS and report financial abuse of a vulnerable elder.
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If you have proof that your sister is taking money from ya'lls mother and paying for her kids college education, then report her to the police.
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"Medicaid looks back up to 5 years and money spent on anyone besides your parent will be treated as gift. So Medicaid won’t pay a dime until the penalty is satisfied based on daily rate at facility. "

Medicaid does this in every state.

Your sister is putting ya'lls mother at risk.
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If your sister thinks that she can just claim any compensation she likes for the work she does for your mother, and your brother is going along with this, they are both in for a very nasty shock. Unless compensation was agreed with your mother when your mother created their respective powers of attorney, they could both be held to account for financial abuse.

I should look for official guidelines relevant to your state and forward them to your brother. Your sister can have as many hissy fits as she likes about them but rules is rules.

Are you able to visit your mother independently of your sister?
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You write that you don't disagree that your sister does a lot for your mother. What does she do for your mother? (And how much time does it take...I think sometimes people don't understand the time it takes to deal with elders...) Is she spending her own money to do things/get things for your mother?

How is your mother funding the ALF? Will she run out of money at some point, and have to go on Medicaid?
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How does your sister "reimburse" herself if your brother has financial POA? Medical POA is for making health and medical decisions and the attendant paperwork, not writing oneself checks.
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I would not talk to Sis about money. Ever. Give your brother information about the Medicaid 5 year lookback. And make sure he knows that sis is using mom'  funds for her own benefit.  

Keep in touch with mom. If mom is not yet "too far gone" she can sign a HIPAA release allowing you access to her medical info from her regular docs etc.
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Medicaid has a 5-year look-back in every state. Gifts incur a penalty in every state.
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Where is your brother in all of this - he’s the financial POA, right?
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Is that Medicaid info the same in every state? She resides in VA.
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On a pragmatic note, I kept receipts and documented well any reimbursements, including mileage. Again, I spent far more than I ever reimbursed myself. And I signed the guest book at the MC at every visit, and I was there so much that everyone there knows me.
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I wish the best for you and your family. I can only offer you my own perspective on how hard it was for me. I visited my dad every day (anywhere from 20 min to a few hours) & took care of everything from ordering meds; cleaning, painting and selling his house; scheduled & took him to dr appts; addressed issues regarding laundry, food and anything else at the MC facility; even helped with some toileting, dressing & feeding. The few times I heard from family, I certainly didn't feel kindness toward them. Right or wrong, the load can take a toll, & all the "would if I could's" aren't helpful. I truly hope that you & sis can work it out. My dad passed last week. I held his hand & spoke comfort to him as he passed & then planned & prepared the funeral with the help of my children & husband. I cherish the time that I had with Dad & have no regrets.
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Medicaid won’t care how she justifies transfers gifting anyone and will impose a transfer penalty. Medicaid looks back up to 5 years and money spent on anyone besides your parent will be treated as gift. So Medicaid won’t pay a dime until the penalty is satisfied based on daily rate at facility. Example if your state is $150 per day and mom gifted $15,000: Medicaid will not pay charges on care for 100 days from the date of application. Family private pays or facility has them discharged to family. Not a pleasant thought. If Medicaid might be in future next five years, sissy should spend some money talking with lawyer familiar with Medicaid. It’s a sobering conversation...
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I don't understand what you mean by "medicaid won't care".
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Medicaid won’t care.
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I'm afraid she is going to rationalize all sorts of reimbursements. This was never discussed when my Mother gave her Medical POA. My Sister didn't say she was going to reimburse herself for services rendered. It just doesn't feel right to me. But in the end I don't have a say anyway. They are going to do what they want.

All I did was ask if it was a good idea and she flipped out on me.
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Medicaid will have a problem with gifting if she ever needs it.
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I gotta tell you... If I could move my Mother close to me and take care of her myself, I would. All she does is hammer me over the head with how much she does for my Mother. Does that mean I don't have a say about her "gifting" her kids money for college? I want to make sure my Mother is well taken care of for the rest of her life! She is only 78 years old so that could be a very long time in Assisted living and then Memory care. Decent memory care in her area cost 7K a month! SO a few bucks down the road does make a difference.

I tell her CONSTANTLY that I am thankful she is there for my Mother. But does that mean I lose all right to ask questions and have an opinion. She is a martyr who uses it as a weapon. It isn't right. 

Additionally my Mom isn't do far gone that my Sister shouldn't be telling her about the money she is taking. She doesn't though. She takes the money and hasn't said one word about it to my Mom. 
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Lolo, please don't allow your family to go down the same path that mine did. I can tell you from my own experience that being the care-taker, even if Mom is in a facility, is physically, emotionally and mentally draining. I too came unglued when questioned about anything. I can tell you too that I spent far more than I ever reimbursed myself, and time away from my own family and friends seemed meaningless to my siblings. And everyone had 'reasons' for not helping or visiting Dad. Please step back and look at the big picture. Will a few bucks make a difference down the road? Or will calling or texting a 'thank God you're there for her' give sis the strength she needs to keep going?
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