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I am very tired of lying to my father. I tell him he can come home if he works with PT and gets stronger he can come home. That is a lie, my mother and sister won't let him come home even if he does regain strength in his legs. He keeps asking me when he can come home? I have to lie to him to tell him that he needs all his strength I feel bad telling him that he could possibly come home when I know he can't. He's got just enough sense to realize he's in a place he doesn't want to be. There's been several lies we've told him, his sister recently died and momma decided not to tell him and I feel awful about that too - even though there was nothing he could do. But even though I disagree with mom, I do see why she didn't want to say anything.


Should I tell him the truth and be honest or keep that little glimmer of hope alive so he won't just give up? I want him to be comfortable if not resigned to being there, but I just wish there was something I could do other than just visiting him. I've tried to play games with him, do the crossword puzzle with him, anything to get him interactive but he gets so frustrated cause he doesn't understand the rules or it's a bit difficult, he just shuts down and refuses to cooperate.


I know ya'll are probably tired of hearing me talk about my guilt and I'm sorry, but ya'll are about the only ones who understand - I mean my husband is excellent about trying to help but even he gets tired of me - just going around in circles and spinning my wheels...


I appreciate all ya'll listening to me, thank you

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How about a different king of partial truth - Not today, I don't think mom is up to looking after you at home dad. I know you miss home but it's nice enough here isn't it? Lets not worry about it for now...
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I think most here are not tired of listening. We are free to move on if we want to. And remember, sharing with us doesn't need to bring on feelings of guilt of any kind. I think we all feel like we burden our family with our worries. They worry about us and become frustrated. On the question of lying, I just wouldn't do it. The truth will hurt, but honestly, to me, as a nurse, the worst thing was people who wanted to lie to patients about their illness and its prognosis, because to be honest they almost always "knew" and it made them more fearful. We can deal with the truth, but lies that turn out not to be true can take away our trust in just everything. Is it that you fear his reaction? Because he may well be angry one moment and crying and begging the next. But to be honest, Lacey'sTerror, isn't that a good and an honest reaction. Don't we have a right, at the end, when it is loss after loss after loss, with so little to hope for, to weep and mourn and be angry? I think we do. It is so hard to see, but it is our right. And there is nothing to be said but "I love you, and I am so sorry; I love you, and I wish it could be different. I will be here for you all I can. Remember I love you." I think it is our own guilt we fear, and honestly, only good and honorable and decent people even FEEL guilt. I can only think what I would want. I would want someone to be honest with me, no matter what my reaction. I have a right to honesty and I have a right to react with confusion and weeping and feeling bad.
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smeshque Jul 2019
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"DAD, home is wherever you are, and whenever we are together, like now".
Hugs.
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I think the lies seem so strange to us because we are in the real world where truth is important, as confusing as it can be here. Many of the ones we are caring for are in another kind of world. Would he remember your answer anyway? I like the answer "I don't know, Dad, no one has told me what's next, but right now we just have to get through this part of you getting better and it's going to take a while". It isn't a lie. You don't really know what the future is for him. Will he be okay with that? I don't understand the guilt. You are there for him. What else could you possibly be doing? Maybe you and your dad both need some distractions. It's difficult with him when he can't remember rules for games. I know. My mom can't even do puzzles any longer and gets frustrated with cards and even with reading. Pet therapy and stories of her long ago past cheer her best. I hope you find something that helps.
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Laceysterror, for you to be lying to him, you and he and your mother would have to be in agreement about reality. He’s not there. When he says he wants to go home, he’s speaking of being in another past part of his life, or somewhere else, but probably not the past he was in before he was hospitalized, which was no doubt a frightening and uncomfortable time for him.

My wonderful LO mourned terribly when she entered a nearby AL, and would call for her mother and sisters, long deceased, and say she had to get back to them. I would often say “I’ll take care of that” or “I’ll be sure they don’t worry” or similar
comments. HER BELIEF was that her mother and sisters are still living. There was no way besides breaking her that I could have ever convinced her that they were gone. That being so, how could I claim to be compassionate and protective of her if I had tried?

She was always a very anxious woman, and I could see absolutely no way to justify exposing her to more anxiety by telling her facts that I could not change
about a life that she no longer had access to.

If you love your father you will look for ways to help him become comfortable and relaxed. The words “safe, protected, and comfortable” justify whatever alterations you need to make to “truth”.

I visit often and enjoy discussing things with her that she finds interesting. He may just like you to visit, and be with him, and not try to entertain him.

I remember very clearly the awfulness of “spinning”when my mom became total care. She lived for 5 1/2 much better years in a local nursing home than she’d lived in her own home for the 25 years before that.

If you happen to be religious, you might consider this short poem, that my present LO taught me when my mom (her sister) began to require full time care-

“If in Life, You do your Best-
God with Love, Will do the Rest”.

Hope you find peace.
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Lilacalani Jul 2019
You gave a beautiful answer -- thank you! :)
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I looked at your profile. You have two parents who can no longer reason or make decisions. There is no alternative for you to keep them safe and calm but fibbing, lying, diverting, whatever it takes to keep them calm and cared for.

Your looking at it the wrong way. Every time you fib or divert and get something done in their favor is a victory, not something to be guilty about.
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You could drop the "you can come home if" half of what you're telling him. Stick to "do your PT and let's see." Or, "we'll just have to see how it goes." Or, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Or even "I just don't know, Dad. But meanwhile, let's do x, y, z and make the best of things, eh."

It isn't guilt, by the way, it's sadness. It's sad that your father needs this level of care, and sad that he can't himself grasp the situation, and sad that your mother and your sister and you don't see eye to eye altogether on what's best for him. But, so, - stop expecting yourself to get over it and stop "going in circles." You are having a normal response to a sad situation, it is *hard*. Be kind to yourself.

Tired of hearing you... Well, I'm not, but then I don't live with you. I expect your husband does wish things were different and does wish you could step aside emotionally from a problem you can't solve. It is tiring, I can't disagree. But if it's tiring for your audience, how tiring is it for you? You're the one who can't help thinking about it night and day.

Do you do anything like physical exercise or dance or meditation, actively try to take a break from the mental strain?
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AlvaDeer Jul 2019
Yes, the promises are out, but robbing one of hope is also not wise. So a "let's work hard and see where you are in a few months" is GREAT advice.
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I can so understand your situation. My father has the memory ability of a five year- old. And the question you pose is a good one, but let me ask: What would the truth serve? I have told my father the facts, and minutes later, the same question is repeated. I have learned to distract the conversation topic. I feel bad for doing it, but under the circumstances, telling the truth only makes you feel relieved for a moment but for him, if one nugget gets stuck in the head, it opens up a new can of worms. So, to tell the truth or prevent a ongoing crisis, spiral of repeating fear/concern/disappointment/depression etc... Don't beat yourself up for letting him have a gentler existence. It's like with a kid, we don't tell them the horrors of war, Ebola, or gang violence, we know it can cause nightmares. While we wait to let them (children) mature and handle the truth, we can't do that on the flip side of dementia or Alzheimer's.
This is one area where becoming the parent and filtering the negative is to be applied. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
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It would not help to tell your father the truth, just upset him. The term that is often used is "therapeutic lying"--that is, not telling the truth in order to help the person. Many, perhaps most, people with different forms of dementia want to go "home." But to them, "home" is where they were brought up, where they felt secure, where they were before dementia came upon them.

Distraction often works. Outright disagreement with someone with dementia is seldom helpful, so you need to strike a tricky balance. Don't promise the possibility of going "home" if that is not possible. Distract him as much as possible. Don't contradict him, and try to help him settle in his new environment.
Sorry, but as numerous respondents have said, there is no easy answer.
Love and prayers.
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Laceysterror, what you are doing is called "therapeutic fibs" which are ok because it is in the best interest of your Dad.

I see from your profile that your Dad has Alzheimer's/Dementia. It may be possible that "home" means his childhood home. My Mom [98] did that when she was in Rehab and it took awhile for me figure out she wanted to see her parents and siblings.

One time I had to use a therapeutic fibs to get my parents to update their Will, which was older than dirt. I fibbed by saying the way the Will was written, the State would get half of their assets. That got Dad's attention, and I made an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney to have all their legal documents updated.

So, don't be afraid to fib. I know it isn't easy, it wasn't for me, neither, but I had to do it. Oh the guilt :P
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