I'm struggling. Any advice?

Boundaries. There is no need to talk with him daily. He will forget when he has not talked to you.

Place yourself in his world, plan that move, comforting him within his delusion.

Have you checked with his doctor on the delusions. There is probably a med to help. My mom took Seroquel, it relieved the anxiety that caused many delusions.

So, have you gotten your dad seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? I think someone suggested that the last time you asked about his delusions. Meds CAN help.

Your father is safely placed in a memory care unit. There is no risk that he will act on any of his delusions in a damaging or unmanageable way, yes?

That being so, there is no need to redirect him or attempt in any way to connect with him reality.

Instead, look on the conversation as though it were any conversation with a person who is not your father. You can take his word for the truth of what he says and go along with it. It's just a story, a narrative, which you don't need to challenge or in any way relate to your own knowledge of him.

Confine these conversations to a length of call that you yourself can manage. At the moment, when you're trying to end the call, he ignores your farewells and carries on regardless; and you, being a sane and courteous person, feel you have to continue the call.

But you don't have to. Honestly and truly, even if - as if! - you said "oh shut up you crazy old windbag" and hung up on him, any offence or hurt he felt would be forgotten in moments, probably before he even put the phone down.

So you can easily say "I have to run Dad, I'll speak to you soon, love you, 'bye..!" and then *hang* *up* even if he is in mid-sentence; and he will feel no hurt and no confusion and you need have not a twinge of conscience about it.

You are not his real daughter with whom he is having a meaningful conversation. You are a sympathetic and agreeable presence off whom he can bounce the thoughts that are running through his head. The normal rules of good telephone manners just don't apply.

About you. It is bloody awful to hear your lovely, brilliant Dad talking like a lunatic. It is quite harrowing enough. But don't add the heartache of trying to stop him when it just isn't possible, and do take active control of how long you have to cope with it each time.

First off, don't be sorry for venting or asking questions here. This is just the place to do just that! There is no place with a group of people that understand what you are (what we are) going through. People who had never had to deal with this horrible disease have no clue what it is like. They just simply can't relate!

Second things is, you do need to set boundaries. Perhaps calling dad every few days at first. I know it is hard to get your head wrapped around the fact that he may not be missing you or/and that he is lonily. He is in his own world. It is so heartbreaking to think of our parents that way. I think some times we project our feelings on to them. Example, we feel that if we were in their shoes we would be lonily. Or guilt takes over and than we feel awful for not being there for them or talking to them. But I think the truth is we can only go so far with them on this road and then at some point in the disease were we just can't go! They must go alone. Sure we can take care of their physical needs and what nots, but they are in a world we don't have access too. I know you don't live close by to your dad, but I think you understand what I am saying. It is just so dam hard to see our parents this way.

Thirdly, there are medications to help with his delusion. When my mother has delusion which as of right now are not that many of them, but when they come I have found that it was just easier to go along with it. I got the idea from a Will Smith move of all places. I wish I could remember the name of the movie.

I know it is hard and I think it is harder on us if we have had that close relationship with that parent. I couldn't do this for my dad it would have ripped me into pieces, but because I wasn't as close to my mother some how has made it easier for me to detach!

I am sorry that you have to go through this. Come here anytime to vent and ask questions.

Hugs

I understand how very hard this is for you. It is heartbreaking to know this intelligent man has fallen so far.

my Dad had all sorts of delusions. My approach to all of it was to play along. Just like I was playing cops and robbers with my grandsons, Talk about the whole thing with him. Don’t feed into the delusion, but do no try to talk him out of it. Ask about specific plans, where on campus he would like to be, etc. when I did this with my dad, it calmed him down and gave him “research” projects. When I would hit on questions he could not answer...he would go quiet about it for days (sometimes a week or more) and then one day, delighted, he would have some nonsense answer. Then he would start all over again.

this costs you nothing except to hear the depth of the delusion, and it could calm him down they way it did for my Dad

p.s. My Dad was certain that aliens had taken over the VA...he was making plans to create and lead and underground resistance.

It is frustrating because it feels like everything revolves around their world. In this stage of their life, I suppose for them it does. They feel their needs come first and foremost. They don’t seem to be able to comprehend that we are younger and have to attend to our lives as well.

I remind mom of my needs but it goes in one ear and out the other, then I question myself as to why I even bother to express how I feel.

Every now and then she gets how I feel. I love when she does but I have learned not to expect it. I wonder how I would cope if she does develop dimentia with her Parkinson’s. I’m not even sure that I would see the signs and might feel as though she is just being contrary, or her usual perfectionist self! She isn’t always contrary. She can be the most loving mom in the world also. Ups and downs of aging.

She was never a hateful person, still isn’t downright hateful. I know the difference. My husband’s grandma was downright hateful! I hope I would be able to decipher to know if dimentia was developing or normal ups and downs.

Even without dimentia my mom’s outlook has changed. I can’t put my finger on it. I think they unknowingly become selfish out of fear. They know they have more days behind them than ahead and are desperately trying to squeeze in as much of what is meaningful to them into their remaining time on this earth.

I do feel more confident after she sees her neurologist for her check ups because he seems to give her a thorough physical and mental examination.

I feel for you. I would check in with his doctor. Mom’s doctors always ask if I have questions or concerns. I do ask my questions and speak about concerns with them. It helps to have their professional opinion.

Other than that, I would shorten the conversation if it is getting to be too much stress. I hope you will be able to find a healthy balance in your life soon. Vent anytime. We all need to when we are getting overwhelmed.

I don't try to bring my dad back to reality, I play along with the delusions while trying not to feed into them. I figure that if it makes him happier and calmer, then it is worth it. The problem is that he DOES retain some things and it's hard to figure out what he'll remember beforehand. For example, if he asks if I've booked plane tickets I'll say I'm working on it. Then the next day he'll ask if I was successful at booking the tickets, and I'll say there was an issue. The day after that he'll ask if the issue was resolved and if the tickets are booked. Etc.

I think you are all right in saying that I will have to call less often and shorten the calls if I can. It is far too draining.

I am sure the are hundreds of reasons why it is too soon in the planning process to be getting airline tickets.......
has he applied for the position he is seeking? Has he looked into the housing? Etc. etc.

keep him focused on the planning aspect.

ask about the senior services there...has he investigated that? Etc.

The place he is at has internet....get him set up with it to do research. Bet he gets so tied up with that it keeps him very occupied. Could take months for him to learn to use it.....tell him of course he can do this, he is much more intelligent than average.

OMG I can relate. My FIL has the same delusions, but he's also aggressive and actively tries to escape his facilities so he can affect his delusional plans.

All I can say for advice is disengage from his delusions. If he's anything like my FIL, it doesn't matter what you say, he'll still believe what he wants to believe. It is difficult, I know, but just disengage. Don't try to please him through his delusions. You can try 'therapeutic fibs', but it sounds like he's got enough of a short-term memory that those fibs won't work very well.

I do understand, because I'm going through the same thing.

Would he enjoy computer games? There are many to choose from including types of "locked rooms" puzzles or find hidden objects that he might enjoy.

I would speak to his Doctor and see if there is any medication he could take that would elevate his depression. My mother just went through this, and it has helped her so much. It's worth a try.

Your dad is living in a secure and safe environment and is being cared for, right? Then don't worry about what he is "thinking", it is probably different from day to day.

MY SIL, when he was doing Med School rounds at the VA, had one patient who 'believed' he lived in an apartment with his childhood friend and he got up each day to run his "chili" stand out in the hall. Of course, there was no chili and such--but the staff there simply gave him a tray and some cups and spoons--kind of feeding into the delusion, I guess, but he was content and VERY busy in his own world. He was in the psych ward, so something in his brain was very fundamentally broken. But my SIL said he was one of the most chipper, upbeat patients. SIL stopped everyday and 'bought' a cup of chili.

Alwaysexhausted, my dad would sit and watch the tv during visits, as soon as I said I need to go, he had something that he had to discuss with me. Uuughgarrrgh! So, I totally get the frustration. I learned to say, "Dad, I need to go, talk to you later." while heading to the door. He would of course have something important that needed my attention right now, so he would start talking and I would loudly say, "I love you, talk to you later!" And out the door. He never seemed put out the next time I saw him, he was pouty as I was leaving, but that'sokay. I don't watch tv, maybe 6 hours annually, and to sit there was making me crazy.

Better to have it short and sweet instead of long and dreaded.

You will feel terrible the 1st time you hang up and can hear him talking away, but is gets easier. You gain control over the situation and that is well worth any feelings of hanging up on him.

You can do this in a loving, gentle way. When he asks you to do something, you can always say you are super busy at work and only have the few minutes you've taken to call him, so when things slow down you can talk about it then.

I just had an idea, can you get dad set up to hold classes for these people. That would entertain him and his facility mates. Have him read one of the Harvard classics to them or something. I bet the facility would allow big markers, you know the kind that wipe off everything but paper, and paper or notebooks for classroom supplies.

Yes that is what you are hearing and it’s good advice. Don’t put your dad's "loneliness " on your shoulders as something you’re responsible to fix. You can’t. And realistically you could call every hour and it wouldn’t help. He has dementia. So don’t feel responsible for this loneliness as it isn’t going to change. You must do only what you can do to give yourself peace and not have to dread every day of your life. That is not fair and if your dad was normal, he would be appalled at what you’re going through. Call every few days. He is safe and taken care of and perhaps less calls will allow him to give up a bit on his fantasy.
It is exhausting to hear the same records, as I call it, played over and over again. I dreaded going to see my dad when I first moved him into LTC because he would rail at me and verbally abuse me for moving him there. Nothing I would say would help him understand so I finally had to distance myself or be depressed enough to kill myself. So please protect yourself. You are worth it and I’m glad you came here to express your distress. Please let us know you will call him less. Your therapeutic fibs are good. Also try not redirecting and keep the calls short. Don’t worry about what he remembers...he probably doesn’t in reality. He has worn a groove in the brain and the needle is stuck...it only seems like he remembers. Hugs!

Hi:) You will feel better when you give yourself room to live, My mother has been sliding into the abyss, and I use to call her 3 times a day to keep he on track
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She no longer can tell the difference of night and day, even though she has a window bed. I have changed to once every other day, as she sleeps a lot and has been change to Palliative care

Some times the calls are good she seems up beat and comprehends all.
Then there are the panic calls where she cries and says she can not take it any more. So you feel bad but know there is nothing to be done. so !

Take care of you, and ween your calls down!
That is the best for your peace of mind habits can be changed !

My counselor taught me boundaries long ago and I have to use them with dad or he'll run me over. As of the other day, he had gotten to where he was calling 3,4,5 times a day again. My husband was really upset so I finally had to tell me dad to slow down on the calls. If he calls my cell phone at work, I don't answer until it is convenient for me. It's usually something unimportant but he will dwell and dwell on it until he gets an answer. I don't need or want to talk to him every day.

OMG. Your situation seems so familiar to mine. My dad is in a long term care facility too. He is constantly calling me because he wants to go home. He says he is sick and tired of these people. He thinks they are all nuts. Everytime he asks to go home, I say I will talk to the doctor and see what he says. Dad will say he is leaving and I ask where he is going so that I know where to visit. He asks what mom's phone number is and I tell him she doesn't have one. She is in heaven and not allowed to have a phone. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't

My dad has delusions too. He was telling me that he saw cowboys in the tree shooting people. I didn't know what to say to that. But when he was petting his invisible goat, I asked him what the goat's name was.

I may be wrong about this, but it sounds to me that your father has more of his faculties than you take him for, because he realizes his situation is no where near as dire as the other residents. Maybe the "delusions" as you call them, have some basis in reality. Maybe his memory problems are intermittent, and based on some medication he is being given. If he is calling throughout the day, he is capable of remembering how to use the telephone. Probably remembers your phone number too. I think you should get on a plane and visit your dad from time to time. Maybe he should be in another facility.

I'm not saying these things to make you feel guilty. I just think you should re-assess the situation. Hard to tell on the basis of some phone calls.

The first time my parents moved out of their house, *before* their health issues, they were incredibly judgmental! It was shocked. I had no idea that they thought they were better than other people...

Have a meeting or a conference call with your sisters and see if you all can't come up with a schedule of a call or visit, so it doesn't feel like it's all falling on you.
How often you are calling? How long is the call?
Maybe it's too much?
Go along with what he is saying. The path of least resistance. He doesn't know what he's saying, he's in a loop.
Make sure you have nothing planned or can do some self-care before and after the call.
For me, the dread does not go away. It will diminish, yet you will learn self-care techniques and coping mechanisms, and Life will go on..............until he doesn't.

All the best to you, and your family, esp your dad....

venting is the best way to let that natural guilty feeling we all get I used to be a hairdresser for 20 years now I am taking care of my parents who are 94 n 95 my dad struggling with Alzheimer's n incontinence my is pretty good for her age ..I know this is goona sound odd or different I am in your shoes in one way or another I have been working with for ten years now I'm sure in da beginning its difficult but it gets harder as well..my advice to you and I have used it on myself is not to feel guilty your are doing what god would do ....I know it's hard in TODAYS world but prayer and venting with god and friends eases that daily same subject...hope u have a great day...

I experienced almost the same thing with my dad. I live 11 miles away but my dad was calling me every dad, sometimes several times a day. When he didn’t call, I was sure something was wrong and I called him. I finally made an appointment to meet with the director of the facility and ask for his professional advice regarding the situation and asked for his help. He suggested weaning my dad off of the daily phone calls. We are now down to an occasional phone call 1 or 2 times a month and 1-2 short visits per week. He has learned to rely on his caregivers instead of me now.

What a conundrum. A glimpse of what I may be looking at down the road as my mom is starting to loosing some of her thinking. Sorry you are going through that, sure wish you had more help. For me, when I feel my mother is driving me crazy I try to let it go and try not to think about it as much as possible and try to rationalize it's for a couple of hours per week and I have all the rest of the week to concentrate on other endeavors, but that's my situation. It might sound harsh but I'd limit the phone calls to maybe 3 times per week rather than daily for your own welfare. Going through that daily would drag anyone down. Guess I don't have any great advise to such a tough situation.
I wish you a lot of luck while you try to maintain your sanity!

Hi,

My mother has dementia and it was and is very hard to accept. I didn't understand what was happening to her and sometimes even losing patience with her. The repeating was on and on and on, and she resorted to her younger years and even thinking that her father was coming to visit, etc.. I understand what you are going through. But as time went on, I could finally force myself to read about what was really happening to my mother and her memory.

Please educate yourself on the disease and you will look at your loved one differently when you understand that their brain is under attack.

www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=5&v=0GXv3mHs9AU

You have to learn how to detach, and call him back when your not working. Easier said than done but it may surprise you when you call him later in the day. In the evenings, sundowning may occur but your Dad will be a lot calmer. Try it.

It may help to call alzeimers association for free counseling on the phone available 7 days per week. It used to help me deal with dad by changing the subject to happier memories and in the moment jokes or musical things like singing together. Such a tough disease, I empathize. Dad just died in January and the lucid times grew fewer once he was in the nursing home. Exercise does help but not too many places encourage it. Does anyone visit him?

The "thinking mom's cheating on him" is under the broad umbrella of dementia called "Jealous Subtype." It's a real condition. Trust me; I know when I was on some bad medicine and I had the condition.

A medication check is in order by your dad's physician.

You might be able to ask the facility's social worker for help and advice. If you made up a schedule with your sisters, could you split up the calling so that it's not your responsibility every day? What about your mother? Is she still alive or is that part of your father's delusion? Maybe you're just taking too much on yourself. If he's at a facility, he's not alone. If you can afford it, you could also hire an aide to spend a few hours with him once a week or a couple of times a week. Perhaps you could hire a college student who can talk to him about his interests.

Vent away and keep finding ways to vent, I know you get that he is not the same person you knew. I know how hard it is to try to have a conversation with someone who can't hear you and repeats things over and over again. And accuses people and loved ones of terrible things. Even with all that, it is important that you live in his reality. Just let him lead the conversation and agree with what ever he says, You are basically having a conversation with the dementia. His brain has changed. If it gets to much for you, wright letters and make sure there is someone who will read them to him, send copies of family pictures etc. Let someone help him wright back if he wants too . This way you are still conversing without having to deal with the dementia. Also keep in mind that at the beginning of the dementia they are aware that they are losing their memories. Can you imagine how terrifying that must be? Some people have a personality change. It is a crappy disease and it steals away the people we love. I just try to put love first and things for the most part fall into place. I wish you patience and Happy venting!