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Boyfriend has manipulated me to care for his mother with dementia. Incontinent of both bowel and bladder. Resistant to care. Hallucinates constantly. I’m sad, resentful and depressed. He works min of 65 hours weekly up to 80 hours. So I’m with her primarily. She has dementia with behaviors. She’s very difficult to care for or like. If I mention anything about it, he blows up. Should I move out?

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The bum moved you in to be an unpaid and abused caregiver. He uses emotional blackmail to guilt you into staying a prisoner by making you question your faith? How utterly disgusting. Love does not look like this nor does it feel like this.
Please leave this horrible situation right away. I hope you can make ends meet on your own without the need to rely on him for ANYTHING. This man should be ashamed of himself for what he's putting you through. It's wrong on EVERY level.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer that you have the strength and courage you need to walk away. You deserve so much more, especially at this stage of life.
All the best of luck
PS. When I was a young woman living with an abusive man, I snuck out in the middle of the night. I packed some clothing, makeup, toiletries and my dog, called a cab and LEFT. I had $40 to my name but I would have lived in a refrigerator box if necessary rather than be hit ONE. MORE. TIME. Even if he's not hitting you, he's STILL abusing you, so please make sure not to confuse the meaning of abuse. It comes in many forms
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anonymous828521 Oct 2019
👏applause lealonnie!
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Have you considered that he may be working so many hours to avoid having to come home and pitch in? It's easy to be "christian" when you are not doing any of the heavy lifting, either physically or emotionally.

If you think about it your BF's mother is as much a victim of his selfish choices as you are, IMO her quality of life would be much better in a place where many shifts of caregivers are there to watch over her and where she has the opportunity to receive specialized dementia care, perhaps even socialize with her peers.
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Countrymouse Oct 2019
I'm clicking like mad on Helpful Answer but it's only moving up one digit 🙃
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Of coarse, that is not a relationship, he is using you. Don't continue to live in a prison with invisible bars, you hold the key, use it and run like h#ll.
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Hit the road, and don’t come back no more no more!
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Leave, go, get out! Make sure you are safe & have a place to go in another town. In another town is key: you don't want to be found by someone parking lot surfing! If your finances are entangled quietly change your banking situation. Change your phone number. Have your mail forwarded to a box in another town. If you fear for your safety, go in person to the police or sheriff & find out how they can help you.

Do not tell your boyfriend anything!!! Take only what is yours. Pare down to one carload if possible. Leave a short note saying you have moved out. Do not have any dreams of returning & reconciling. Don't call him or answer his calls.

Once you are out, call APS to report a person in need. Do not go back! Under any circumstances!!! Do not look back.

You matter! Your wants & needs matter! Sending hugs & wishes for you to have the life you want on your terms. Please post again to let us know you are safely out. We do care!
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I would tell you as my daughter to grab your stuff and go. This person that you are working so hard for is abusive and you do not need to accept that.

He doesn't even have the respect to marry you before he made you his slave, why would you stay?

A women's shelter is a far better option than living like you are. You can get some counseling to figure out why you would be in this situation, how to avoid it in the future and help you get some self respect back.

Leave immediately. You don't want to be accused of endangering her by just leaving her without someone there, so get anyone you can to come in to be with her. I would call the cops and ask that they stand guard while you move if you have to do it while he is home.

There is no excuse for abuse. Run don't walk away.
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AlvaDeer Oct 2019
I say thank GOD they aren't married. That would make it so much harder.
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YES! AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.

Why are you allowing him to do this to you? You deserve much, much better.

If possible, plan ahead, call APS before you leave to ask them to keep an eye on BF and especially mom. But if you suddenly get the nerve to leave, do it, then call the authorities.
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Run.
Pack your stuff.
Give your final notice and walk out.
Before you do this though...
Find a place to go. Move your stuff out. Make sure you are safe.
Strongly suggest you change your phone number.
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MargaretMcKen Oct 2019
Very good advice to stay safe. Your angry 'blowing' up' BF is benefiting heaps, financially and by feeling in control. He is going to do a major dummy spit when you go, could be very dangerous. Treat this as a domestic abuse emergency, go to a shelter if that's what you need.
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Please.
Move out.
Did you imagine for a single second you would get any other answer here?
You say that your boyfriend "manipulated you" into doing this.
I would like you to start to gain strength and insight by changing the way you approach this. You are not a victim. You are a strong woman facing a choice. You were not manipulated.
You made a choice. It was a BAD choice.
Now you are going to have to pull up your big girl pants, put on your boots, and make them WALKING boots. That is going to be hard. You are giving up a know and given (a boyfriend, even if a BAD one). You are giving up the certainty of a home and a place to live.
I very much hope you have support and girlfriends you did not give up for all of this joy you are experiencing with this guy. I hope there is support of some family for you, to give you a start on living alone.
Hon, you wrote us. You knew what we would answer. Make no mistake, what you are embarking on is HARD and the only reason you haven't done it already is that you have been beaten down and weakened.
Girl, you made a bad choice. You can change this. Do it without anger and fury and argument because he will be DESPERATE and desperate, manipulative men are not a pretty thing. I hope you will update us as you go along. I hope you can move many miles away in all truth. I couldn't wish you more luck. I am so sorry you are faced with this trauma, but you can DO THIS. Do it as soon as you can.
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I agree with Alva completely. You need to leave. I may find myself in a similar situation in the near future and am getting all my ducks in a row now to make sure I do not allow myself to fall into it. Leave in peace and strength, without anger or resentment or malice. But DO leave. And do not look back, only look forward.
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