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My mother controls grandmother's finances and pays me to care for her full time in my home. She won't come over and give me one day off a week after I've asked her repeatedly, and when she doesn't like something she will threaten to dock my pay. When I mention that I never get a day off she says "that's what you get paid for". I literally make about $2 and hour so it's not even about the money. She is trying to control how I care for my grandmother but she won't step in and do much of anything to help. She even recently accused me of "drugging" my grandmother with her own prescription because she was mad at me. I love my grandmother but she has always been a manipulative person and she makes it harder on me than it should be. She also has dementia so I never know if she is lying and manipulating me or not. I am a Christian and I want to honor my mother and grandmother but I really want to tell her to come get her mother because I can't do it anymore. Am I wrong for that? What should I do?

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No, you are absolutely not wrong for you to want to stop being the caregiver to your grandmother. No one can do it all themselves and never get a day off from it.
It is apparent to me that your mother wants to maintain the status quo of her being 'caregiver' of the finances but doesn't want one bit of the responsibility for the actual care of her own mother.
You have a talk with your mom and lay out your hand on the table plainly. Tell her that unless she agrees to help out with grandma herself, or use some of the money to pay for hired caregivers to help and give you a break, you will do one of two things.
Either you will call APS (Adult Protective Services) and let them take over the situation.
Or you will drop your grandmother off at a hospital ER and tell them that you are no longer able to and refuse to care for her in your home anymore.
Either way the state will take over then. If your mother takes this as a threat (and she probably will) tell her that it will come to this out of desperation on your part. If she's unwilling to offer you the assistance you need to keep your grandmother in your home then she cannot remain living in your home.
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rlw4876 Feb 2021
Thank you for the advice. It's really nice to talk to people who understand these situations!
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People who expect to use and abuse a Christian have mistaken kindness for weakness. There is nothing weak about God, and a follower of Jesus would know the plans He has for you.

Caregiving responsibilities should not skip a generation. It is your mother who should be doing the care.

Don't wait for your Mother to show up, take Grandma to her.
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rlw4876 Feb 2021
I am considering it. Thank you.
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Sounds like you are being taken advantage of. This isn't right. She's your mother's mother, not yours.
Talk to them to and tell them you need to live your life. Move out, and have a professional help her.
Also, later, don't get trapped taking care of mom either. She can find her own care.
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Have you read the (very Christian) book Boundaries?

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

If not, start there. It is a life changer - I am not kidding.
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rlw4876 Feb 2021
Thank you Beatty, I will definitely check that out!
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Nobody can work 24/7 without a break indefinitely. It isn't fair, and it isn't safe.

I expect your mother's micromanaging arises from her anxiety about her mother, and possibly also some guilt that she isn't doing this herself? - as in "if you want a job done properly, you have to do it yourself."

But so much depends on factors you haven't described - what ages you all are, why your mother has delegated this to you, what your grandmother's main care needs are, how long this has been going on, and why your home was picked on as the best place for your grandmother.

Let's set your getting proper, regular down-time as a first goal. Would you like to say a little more about the situation and let's see if we can get from A to B?
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rlw4876 Feb 2021
Thank you for the reply. I'm 36, mom is 63, grandmother is 87. Grandmother had her own apartment with my niece (26) who she raised. The niece was getting paid to do what I am doing now, except my mom was coming over every day after work to help care for grandmother. The niece wasn't properly taking care of grandmother and became physically abusive with my mother. That's when I stepped in and my mom and I started taking shifts staying at grandmother's apartment. We then decided that it would be a good arrangement if we found a house big enough for my family and grandmother. My mother approved of it and it took alot if stress off of her, also. So, when we moved in last March, grandmother was doing alot of things for herself but with assistance. She got up to eat at the table in her power chair, use the bathroom, etc. As time has gone on, she now rarely ever wants to get out of bed, despite my pleading with her, and has these dramatic "spells" when I try to get her up in her chair for a bit. She won't even get up to use the potty chair which I bring right beside her bed anymore and she insists that I change her laying down in bed. So I basically do everything for her- cook, clean, bathe her, changer her clothes, change her diapers, laundry, etc. My mother went from helping care for grandmother every day to pretty much abandoning me with her now. She does come over to visit about once every week or two for about an hour or so and she will care for her then but it's not enough of a break for me. And like I said, I've expressed this to her multiple times but she usually says that's what I get paid for and I chose this. I didn't think she would abandon all responsibilities with grandmother when we agreed on this. Mother has mentioned hiring someone for a day or two to help with grandmother, but not because I needed a day off. It was because she didn't like that I wasn't constantly sitting in my grandmother's room with her and entertaining her. She hasn't done it yet anyways. I'm about ready to give up.
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I would tell Mom you are not caring for Grandmom anymore. That working 24/7 is slavery. You should be paid at least minimum wage. I think Mom is trying to hold on to Grands money. If she does not want to care for her mother, time for an AL or LTC.

God did not ask us to be doormats. You need to tell Mom the arrangement is not working and she needs to either take grandmom into her home or place her.
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Sounds like it's not just your grandmother that is manipulative, but your mother as well. I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree huh? And shame on your mom for not even offering to help with HER own mother for a day or two. That's messed up. You need to get your grandmother out of your house and into the appropriate facility, or your mom can take her in her home ASAP. Honoring your mother and grandmother shouldn't include being taken advantage of, or being threatened or manipulated. Please stop putting up with the abuse, and please never take your mom in your home, if she ever requires care down the road. God bless you.
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Well, of course you are not wrong to tell mother to get her mother - after all she is the person more responsible than you for caring for a parent. If you have burned out, tell mom you will no longer care for her mother. Frankly, your mother is abusing you and that is NOT Christian. Spiritually you are doing your mom a good thing by refusing to go along with her agenda.
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