The demanding situation is now effecting my own personal relationship and I feel we are growing apart - I’m not fun anymore and my Mom is consuming all my time and energy- I feel alone and that I’ve lost myself.
This site is full of this type of post sadly. We have to consider, am I a nurse? Because this is a hard hard job. It is sacrificial and as a mother to a baby, you have traded your time to care for another life. But you are older yourself and the person being cared for is bigger and can't be carried around. I am so sorry. Please look into care for her, even visiting people/nurses. Or a placement in a care facility.
So very well said. I think so many of us love who we are caring for and so instinctually want to do “the right thing” but as a society we need to redefine what “doing the right thing” is, as shouldering the burden ourselves is a quick way to an early grave (us, not those who we care for). I’m certain all this stress and burnout takes years off one’s life.
No one ever thinks reality will be as hard as it is.
I hear you. My mum insists on dying at home after a very long, bumpy and expensive! journey with careworkers at every level. Over the past few months i've increased my participation and am now living at her house. I phoned a local hospice and was able to access mental health support services for careworkers. Every few weeks or as needed i have an amazing psychologist help me process whatever i want to talk about. It's helped immensely! While i have friends i can talk to and some are in similar circumstances, nothing beats a good pro therapist. I've also done a ton of yoga & meditation which has sadly fell to the wayside (i'm so discombobulated in her house) but i constantly remind myself of the Dalai Lama's sage advice around negative thoughts: 1. Be mindful & limit self-centred thinking. 2. Accept reality as it appears. 3. Altruism is the antidote. Gradually, i've turned from unhappy controller to a mostly peaceful daughter. This forum helps too!
I'm probably not the only one here who thinks this is very odd. You didn't give the information in your post, that mom is in a NH. That info even requires an extra "click" on the word Mother in your profile, in order to see that your mom is in a NH. Bottom line is: you are choosing to go to the NH and micro manage her care. Things won't change until you choose not to do this. Nobody here can make that decision for you.
My guess is that your fiance wonders why you are spending all this time with mother at the NH, as well as so much money. No wonder your relationship is suffering!
I believe that those we take care of are older and have had a chance to live their lives. It is great if we are able to and want to take care of them. However, we are humans and we too have a right to live life to the fullest. If the responsibilities are too much for the caretaker and are harming them physically, emotionally, financially, whatever - then we have no choice but to act. We either get relief with others to be caretakers or we place them. When our lives are being totally disrupted and destroyed, our responsibility to them must shift. We must take care of US - NOW. Never feel guilt for this after you do what you can. You are exhausted and it will harm you terribly if you don't take appropriate steps immediately. You have no choice.
Supportplez: Imho, sleep deprivation is going to take a huge toll on your health.
Of interest is your profile, wherein you state that your mother is in an NH. Perhaps you are exhausted from your visits to see her at the NH or stress.
Get more people to help with your mom's care. You need enough time off to sleep, eat 3 meals are a normal pace. time off for your own health and hygiene needs... If you can not get enough help, realize that your mom's care has reached a point that she needs professional care in a residential facility. If she does not have resources, help her apply for Medicaid and find her placement in a facility that takes Medicaid. Don't wait until you are so exhausted that you end up sick or injured in a hospital.
"I am caring for my mother Carolina , who is 97 years old, living in a nursing home with age-related decline, arthritis, broken hip, diabetes, hearing loss, heart disease, mobility problems, and vision problems."
The NH is supposed to be caring for your mother, not you. You can go visit her every day, stay for a while, then go home.
If your profile is wrong, and you are caring for your mother at home, why did you bring her home from the SNF??? At 97+, elders will consume us, body and soul, as they require 24/7 care.
Please elaborate on your situation so useful comments can be left for you.
I am so sorry. Is there any extra income where you can hire a caregiver to come in and give you a few hours of free time for you? You need to get out and have time for you to keep your sanity.
Is there a reason you aren’t sleeping? Is she waking up all night and needing you for something? If so I’d be asking her doctor for help in this. Maybe she needs something to help her sleep etc. I had a camera on my dad with an ap in my phone I left open all night in case he should try and get up on his own. My sleep wasn’t the best during that time but at least I knew if he got up I’d know. Also, I was able to get respite care 2 times a week. The cost was covered for one of the visits by the state, the other we paid for out of pocket. But those were so important for me just to have some time away. If you can get better sleep and time away you may be able to cope better. I hope you are reaching out for whatever help is available. I’d start with your mom’s doctor for advice on how to manage her better so you can sleep.
Many men and women will enslave you if you allow it. Set a schedule for the tasks that need to be done and stick to it. Inform your mother there are boundaries and she is not to cross them and then discuss with a councilor those boundaries (may I suggest you contact Focus on the Family for a free consultation on help in your area ). If she does not agree to these terms inform her she will have one month to find some other sucker to take her abuse and do not talk with her about it unless there is a councilor. Put everything in writing, Set time for yourself. Find a quiet place and take your Bible and talk with Jesus. There is not one experience you go through that He has not gone through as well. He will comfort you, encourage you and bless you with His peace. I speak from many decades of experience.
Well, if you have had the opportunity to read through the many posts on this site, I am sure that you have seen that pretty much EVERYONE on this site is feeling that way.
Caregiving is not fun, it is hard work. Practically all of our loved ones are demanding. That's why we have these types of forums and support groups.
If your mother has Dementia, I strongly suggest that you join the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It is a place where you can vent and no one will judge you.
I don't know why people are saying your Mom is in a NH, because your profile doesn't say that at all. I have been in your shoes and even with a loving and caring partner, your relationship will be affected. Your well-being and health will also be affected. The only way to circumvent this is to give up some of your control and GET HELP. Take some of the time you are expending on caring for your mother, and use it to find a good caretaker, even if it's just for a few hours daily or 2-3 times a week.. Enlist the help of family and friends and keep in mind that even if things aren't done exactly to your standards, as long as your mom is safe and content - its enough. I can assure you that hiring help will be the single most thing you can do to alleviate your feelings of exhaustion and isolation. Keep us posted!
Her profile says: "I am caring for my mother Carolina , who is 97 years old, living in a nursing home with age-related decline, arthritis, broken hip, diabetes, hearing loss, heart disease, mobility problems, and vision problems."
Yes this post is confusing. Is she home or in a nursing home? Why are you paying for a nursing home if you are there micro managing everything? I’m sure they don’t like that and feel you don’t trust them. Give up the micro managing. They know what they are doing and get a life of your own. You are lucky she’s safe there
Wow..98. My mom is in assisted living at 88 after a year in a memory care. { Lewy Body dementia with remission at the moment}....I cut back to 3 days a week of care..about 12-15 hrs a week. Always complaints and issues. I do her toe nails, shopping, specialty food purchases, hearing aide upkeep, all outside appointments {including massage 2x month} and I take her to church and then my apartment after. I am 70. I feel like I lack a personal life and am well aware she may live to 98! I saw a counselor who helped me by saying it is NOT my job to keep mom happy. My job is to be sure she is safe, well fed and has a good roof over her head. I stopped trying to please her. My schedule is Sunday, Tues and Friday…that allows some days to disconnect. Stop the daily visits. I worked 27 yrs in a nursing home as clinical Nutrition staff member..there is NO reason to be there that often. Good Luck..
Way to go Caroline who is almost 98. I too agree with others who say it is time to stop with the daily visits. One thing I have found is that the more you give in to demands from anyone, more demands will be placed on you. Speaking from experience in dealing with a demanding spouse, son, and dad. Demanding people will struggle when you tell them no and pass some of the responsibility back. With that being said, I’m sure you took much care in selecting the nursing home so take baby steps in stepping away. I’ll probably struggle with trying to go cold turkey as well with stepping back as it sounds like you are. I guess another way you can look at it is that in order for you to get to 98 you will have to make some changes. Give you and your fiancé a fighting chance.
If her mind is still sharp as your profile says and you have a rather peaceful relationship you might talk to her about your need to live your life. And even if she does not understand it - you need to turn around and look towards your own future. Do not feel guilty. You are on this planet to shine, not to wither away!
I am telling myself the same things every day. Blessings!
The nursing home is probably very grateful you are there so much. That much less for them to do!
You're paying a lot of money to have mom in a safe place-and cared for. I would cut back the visits and aid to about 1 hr per day--so 7 hrs per week. That's just me-and my experience from when mother was in rehab after a couple of surgeries, She wanted someone there all day, everyday, but she grew so demanding and obnoxious, one by one, us kids gave up and simply called her or visited her for just an hour at a time and NOT every day.
Tell her what you are going to do and be prepared for tears and possibly anger. BUT--you need to live your life.
Every nursing home resident needs an advocate for ensuring their care is good. They don’t need hands on, daily care, that’s exactly what the nursing home is for. Stop assuming this role. Mom’s demands aren’t your commands. You want and need a life, healthy and whole, long after hers is over. You matter too
" I’m with her every day and had to stop working to help her with everything. She can be very difficult and depends on me for everything. My relationship with my Fiancé is suffering and I’m exhausted."
If she's in a NH as your profile states, then why are you with her every day, and why does she depend on you for everything?
You have up a job (when did that happen?), and now your relationship with your fiance is suffering? And your health is being affected. Have you considered backing away and letting the NH do their job?
Does she live in a nursing home, like your profile says? If so you know she's safe, so take a giant step back, visit weekly at most, let the home do it's job, and get on with your life.
You say you're her sole caregiver, but also that she is in a nursing home, so what exactly is her living arrangement?
At 98 she has lived her life, don't let her live yours.
We have to consider, am I a nurse? Because this is a hard hard job.
It is sacrificial and as a mother to a baby, you have traded your time to care for another life. But you are older yourself and the person being cared for is bigger and can't be carried around.
I am so sorry. Please look into care for her, even visiting people/nurses.
Or a placement in a care facility.
No one ever thinks reality will be as hard as it is.
Of interest is your profile, wherein you state that your mother is in an NH. Perhaps you are exhausted from your visits to see her at the NH or stress.
"I am caring for my mother Carolina , who is 97 years old, living in a nursing home with age-related decline, arthritis, broken hip, diabetes, hearing loss, heart disease, mobility problems, and vision problems."
The NH is supposed to be caring for your mother, not you. You can go visit her every day, stay for a while, then go home.
If your profile is wrong, and you are caring for your mother at home, why did you bring her home from the SNF??? At 97+, elders will consume us, body and soul, as they require 24/7 care.
Please elaborate on your situation so useful comments can be left for you.
Set a schedule for the tasks that need to be done and stick to it. Inform your mother there are boundaries and she is not to cross them and then discuss with a councilor those boundaries (may I suggest you contact Focus on the Family for a free consultation on help in your area ). If she does not agree to these terms inform her she will have one month to find some other sucker to take her abuse and do not talk with her about it unless there is a councilor. Put everything in writing,
Set time for yourself. Find a quiet place and take your Bible and talk with Jesus. There is not one experience you go through that He has not gone through as well. He will comfort you, encourage you and bless you with His peace. I speak from many decades of experience.
Caregiving is not fun, it is hard work. Practically all of our loved ones are demanding. That's why we have these types of forums and support groups.
If your mother has Dementia, I strongly suggest that you join the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It is a place where you can vent and no one will judge you.
Folks are saying your profile says Nursing Home for Mom, but I don't see that now. Did you bring your Mom home with you to care for her 24/7?
"I am caring for my mother Carolina , who is 97 years old, living in a nursing home with age-related decline, arthritis, broken hip, diabetes, hearing loss, heart disease, mobility problems, and vision problems."
I am telling myself the same things every day. Blessings!
You're paying a lot of money to have mom in a safe place-and cared for. I would cut back the visits and aid to about 1 hr per day--so 7 hrs per week. That's just me-and my experience from when mother was in rehab after a couple of surgeries, She wanted someone there all day, everyday, but she grew so demanding and obnoxious, one by one, us kids gave up and simply called her or visited her for just an hour at a time and NOT every day.
Tell her what you are going to do and be prepared for tears and possibly anger. BUT--you need to live your life.
If she's in a NH as your profile states, then why are you with her every day, and why does she depend on you for everything?
You have up a job (when did that happen?), and now your relationship with your fiance is suffering? And your health is being affected. Have you considered backing away and letting the NH do their job?
You say you're her sole caregiver, but also that she is in a nursing home, so what exactly is her living arrangement?
At 98 she has lived her life, don't let her live yours.