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The demanding situation is now effecting my own personal relationship and I feel we are growing apart - I’m not fun anymore and my Mom is consuming all my time and energy- I feel alone and that I’ve lost myself.

Wow..98. My mom is in assisted living at 88 after a year in a memory care. { Lewy Body dementia with remission at the moment}....I cut back to 3 days a week of care..about 12-15 hrs a week. Always complaints and issues. I do her toe nails, shopping, specialty food purchases, hearing aide upkeep, all outside appointments {including massage 2x month} and I take her to church and then my apartment after. I am 70. I feel like I lack a personal life and am well aware she may live to 98! I saw a counselor who helped me by saying it is NOT my job to keep mom happy. My job is to be sure she is safe, well fed and has a good roof over her head. I stopped trying to please her. My schedule is Sunday, Tues and Friday…that allows some days to disconnect. Stop the daily visits. I worked 27 yrs in a nursing home as clinical Nutrition staff member..there is NO reason to be there that often. Good Luck..
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Reply to Sadinroanokeva
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JaniceM Dec 4, 2021
good for you.
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Does she live in a nursing home, like your profile says? If so you know she's safe, so take a giant step back, visit weekly at most, let the home do it's job, and get on with your life.

You say you're her sole caregiver, but also that she is in a nursing home, so what exactly is her living arrangement?

At 98 she has lived her life, don't let her live yours.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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" I’m with her every day and had to stop working to help her with everything. She can be very difficult and depends on me for everything. My relationship with my Fiancé is suffering and I’m exhausted."

If she's in a NH as your profile states, then why are you with her every day, and why does she depend on you for everything?

You have up a job (when did that happen?), and now your relationship with your fiance is suffering? And your health is being affected. Have you considered backing away and letting the NH do their job?
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Reply to CTTN55
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Every nursing home resident needs an advocate for ensuring their care is good. They don’t need hands on, daily care, that’s exactly what the nursing home is for. Stop assuming this role. Mom’s demands aren’t your commands. You want and need a life, healthy and whole, long after hers is over. You matter too
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Way to go Caroline who is almost 98. I too agree with others who say it is time to stop with the daily visits. One thing I have found is that the more you give in to demands from anyone, more demands will be placed on you. Speaking from experience in dealing with a demanding spouse, son, and dad. Demanding people will struggle when you tell them no and pass some of the responsibility back. With that being said, I’m sure you took much care in selecting the nursing home so take baby steps in stepping away. I’ll probably struggle with trying to go cold turkey as well with stepping back as it sounds like you are. I guess another way you can look at it is that in order for you to get to 98 you will have to make some changes. Give you and your fiancé a fighting chance.
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Reply to answry
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The nursing home is probably very grateful you are there so much. That much less for them to do!

You're paying a lot of money to have mom in a safe place-and cared for. I would cut back the visits and aid to about 1 hr per day--so 7 hrs per week. That's just me-and my experience from when mother was in rehab after a couple of surgeries, She wanted someone there all day, everyday, but she grew so demanding and obnoxious, one by one, us kids gave up and simply called her or visited her for just an hour at a time and NOT every day.

Tell her what you are going to do and be prepared for tears and possibly anger. BUT--you need to live your life.
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Reply to Midkid58
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According to your profile, you say:

"I am caring for my mother Carolina , who is 97 years old, living in a nursing home with age-related decline, arthritis, broken hip, diabetes, hearing loss, heart disease, mobility problems, and vision problems."

The NH is supposed to be caring for your mother, not you. You can go visit her every day, stay for a while, then go home.

If your profile is wrong, and you are caring for your mother at home, why did you bring her home from the SNF??? At 97+, elders will consume us, body and soul, as they require 24/7 care.

Please elaborate on your situation so useful comments can be left for you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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If her mind is still sharp as your profile says and you have a rather peaceful relationship you might talk to her about your need to live your life. And even if she does not understand it - you need to turn around and look towards your own future. Do not feel guilty. You are on this planet to shine, not to wither away!

I am telling myself the same things every day. Blessings!
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Reply to UnKraut68
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I'm probably not the only one here who thinks this is very odd. You didn't give the information in your post, that mom is in a NH. That info even requires an extra "click" on the word Mother in your profile, in order to see that your mom is in a NH. Bottom line is: you are choosing to go to the NH and micro manage her care. Things won't change until you choose not to do this. Nobody here can make that decision for you.
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Reply to Debstarr53
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Get more people to help with your mom's care. You need enough time off to sleep, eat 3 meals are a normal pace. time off for your own health and hygiene needs... If you can not get enough help, realize that your mom's care has reached a point that she needs professional care in a residential facility. If she does not have resources, help her apply for Medicaid and find her placement in a facility that takes Medicaid. Don't wait until you are so exhausted that you end up sick or injured in a hospital.
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Reply to Taarna
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Debstarr53 Nov 15, 2021
Her mother is in a nursing home.
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