My husband of almost 30 yrs is divorcing me because "I want to be single". I'm scared I will be left penniless. He charged me with "mental cruelty", just the opposite is true. I then went to see a lawyer with help of my daughter. I'm afraid to drive far.
I have money in a TSP acct. a checking acct., a couple of small savings accts. & a small IRA.
I've no idea how much money he has been hiding all these years. While he was up north I was opening all the mail & found an acct. I had no idea existed.
I have serious medical issues including heart failure, bad spinal arthritis & a bad memory problem most of my life. I was treated for the memory issue for the 25yrs I worked but the FDA took the med off the market so had to leave my career.
My doctors are not nearby. My daughter works full time, lives & works a good distance away has been making & taking me to appts. She has been purchasing groceries for me. I pay her for these plus a little for gas.
I need home care such as light housekeeping but with the utilities and taxes and those unexpected repairs I know I can't afford it. My daughter also brings me some meals. I can't stand for more than a few minutes without severe pain & walking a short distance I become out of breath. I've also gotten dizzy & fallen so very afraid to walk alone even to the mailbox.
I looked into Medicare & they won't pay for something like housekeeping unless I need home nursing care. I take quite a few meds & get confused as to what I need to order & sometimes have forgotten to take them although I have a large med container.
I really don't know what to do and even though I know I need help I don't know how to get it. I have difficulty understanding (memory problem).
While you are at the lawyers you should look into setting up your POAs, perhaps naming your daughter if she is willing? Are there other kids?
As for the meds, your stress may be adding to your confusion. There are pill containers available that can remind you to take your meds at the proper time, hope somebody here can provide a link about that.
BTW, your soon to be ex sounds like a real a**. Give your lawyer every document you can find about his hidden accounts.
Your attorney (and use ONLY a matrimonial, family law or divorce attorney, NEVER a general practitioner) should initiate the process of data gathering which would require your husband to enumerate his assets. This is done through pleadings, and as I recall he has to certify when he responds that his answers are accurate. If he withholds information, he's misleading the court and attempting to shield his assets. That will not be viewed benevolently by a judge.
Also ask your attorney if your state has no-fault divorces. That can avoid a lot of mud-slinging accusations and emotional trauma. Instead of listing what each party has done, the parties just state that they no longer have an amicable relationship, something that simple.
You don't mention working beyond apparently having to abandon a career. If you have no viable work skills, job or career, ask for alimony. Your attorney will know how to request this in counter pleadings.
Don't do anything with any of your financial accounts w/o your attorney's advice. But also raise with him/her the issue of freezing your husband's assets so he doesn't hide them in offshore accounts or something like that.
In the meantime, check into getting Meals on Wheels to minimize the driving for your daughter. You'll get a meal daily, and depending on your particular area may also be able to order to order meals for the weekends.
Have your daughter review the frozen meals to choose the most healthy; there's one brand that doesn't have preservatives and actually tastes like real food; that might be an option. Your daughter seems to have a life of her own so anything you can do to relieve the chores for her would help both of you.
That being said do not take on yourself any guilt for this break up. your illness is not your fault. hubby would never have been an ongoing support for you in any case with this attitude. the length of time you have been married has little bearing on the time a divorce takes place.
As others have said find a lawyer you feel comfortable with a build a support team from there. Your daughters help remains essential but it should not all fall on her shoulders.
You do not mention your age but there are subsidized apartments available in many areas for the over 55s or disabled and the rent is based on income. Maybe look into somethig like this closer to your daughter. meals on wheels is an excellent idea or have your daughter pick up some decent frozen meals for you or maybe freeze something she has made. With your memory loss make sure you have a notebook and pen with you at all times. Note any mail that hubby receives. I would not open it but note the return address on all envelopes and if after he has opened it you are able to write down any account numbers etc do it, don't delay.
Depending on your State laws you may be eligible for half the value of your combined estates. This is a terrible shock for you and nothing you can recover from overnight but begin to chart your own course and make sure you are not left penniless. Blessings
It may seem frightening to be alone, but staying with a man who doesn't want to be there is more frightening. You daughter sounds like a gem. She's behind you and can likely help you find the right resources in your community. See if some counseling is available for you through family services to help you get through this terrible time. Once you are on the other side, you may find that your life has improved. It's getting there that is so hard.
Please keep us updated on how your are doing.
Carol
If you are determined Disabled then you will be eligible for Maintenance the rest of your life since you were married so long and you are unable to work. Your Husband needs to be paying all the household expenses right now. You should not be short of money and needing groceries assistance.
Has he filed for Divorce?, Get a lawyer and set up an initial court date so that he is court ordered to pay household expenses and not just walk off into the sunset with all of his income.
Good Luck.
Contact your local area agency on aging to see if they have home delivered meals or a volunteer chore service that could help.
Since you know where he wants to be FREE. then FREE him. and take care of yourself. Try aid and assistance thru medicare.
I also think you need someone to come and evaluate yourself, just where you are. This will help in the type of help you need to look for as well.
A good old fashioned shunning of this guy would also go a long way I think. Of course, he may not give a d*mn anyway.
www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/pdf-0093-annual-report-request-form.pdf
Print 2 of these forms. Fill them out, one for you, one for your husband. Stamp them and put them in the mail today, to the Atlanta, GA address. This will get you PRIVATELY all 3 copies of the credit reports for both of you sent to your mailbox free, pretty quickly. You'll have in your hot little hands detailed reports, you can take your time and look at to see just what is up.
If he's hidden a bank account, which is a joint asset since you're married, that's the equivalent of stealing. There is no telling what else he's done. Find out fast. There could be debts racked up on credit cards, home equity loans, revolving credit, and since you are married the debts are legally yours, the same as the asset -bank account-you found out he hid from you. Understand what is up for yourself so you can talk to your attorney about strategy. If you can prove you didn't know those existed you may be able to get free of them and get your 1/2 of what is left, unaffected.
Bank accounts, if they are joint, may be empty for all you know. He could very easily be making withdraws from joint savings and putting them into his secret "me only" accounts. I know someone who's husband did that, while she worked away and put her little money in there, thinking they had "X" amount in savings. Some of it he was taking out on the sly at noon hours at the bank in person, putting in his pocket, then buying things for his new girlfriend, (meals and jewelry). Check balances if you haven't.
Hope you have a GOOD attorney. The President of the State Bar Association is usually a pretty good attorney, well known, well liked by the judges, and known as a straight arrow. (Your attorney's reputation as honest will be important when unwinding dishonest doings in court.) Speak with his paralegal, explain your situation, ask for a referral to someone good near you who will care.
So glad you have a daughter in your corner. (I'd make mince meat out of someone who pulled that on my Mom.) :-) Head's up, you can look at yourself in the mirror, and he cannot. Everything happens for a reason, your soulmate may be floating around unknowingly just waiting for you to be free and put in his path someday in the future.
Good luck, I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this position.
Good bless you and your daughter, and keep us updated.
The court may order you to share the home when he 'claims he cannot afford another residence'. Make sure this does not happen. Where has he been living?
Another way to view it is a chance to get unbelievably better once you are divorced, because of what you have shared.
Try not to be consumed with sadness or anger.
Bless you with a future and a hope.
Some spouses just cannot handle having a chronically ill, disabled partner, and behave very badly...that is on them.
You must do everything you can, to find proper legal help specific to your case.
Please immediately start gathering documents to help yourself, and getting a freeze-order on your spouses. You'll need medical records, letters from Docs, anything you can, to inform the court of your circumstances.
IF you wait for the lawyers to subpoena records, they may not get a clear picture. But your Doc's offices can write letters to help elucidate your circumstances better than simply raw-records copies. One or more of your Docs may need to help by testifying on your behalf.
The divorce industry is heavily tilted towards gobbling-up a family's resources, especially if minor children are involved. It can also happen to disadvantaged ill spouses.
One thing I don't see mentioned here, is that IF your spouse has racked-up debt, the divorce process usually tries to shackle that debt onto both partners, not just the one who racked-it-up. Your lawyer needs to get harsh about stuff like that, to make sure he pays for his own debt, and leaves assets you need to provide for yourself, alone.
It can be very hard to track down what the debt was for, and who racked-it-up.
IF he can make himself look poorer than you, even for the duration of the divorce proceedings, the judge might force you to pay him alimony, which can only be adjusted at your expense, later.
Ask your divorce lawyer, to firmly help protect your few assets, by perhaps demonstrating the cost of care for you being ill for the rest of your life, but also document who did it, for what, any debt was created.
When your lifetime care-costs are totaled up, those also need compared with doing it in a facility setting, and, as Home care.
The differences can be startling.
And, Lawyer needs to clearly state one goal is preventing you from becoming dependent upon State Aid.
And your lawyer needs to be able to trace accounts--your spouse might already have moved some overseas...those need tracked. It's gotten harder to hide where someone put their income.
It's important for you to have meticulously documentation of your illness, how it has progressed, the prognosis [how it is likely to become over time], and, costs for treatments and maintenance. Not simply records copies...those can be startlingly inadequate to present your situation.
To encourage Systems to keep you at home with home care as long as possible, it must be shown clearly, how huge a cost nursing home care is, compared with in-home care helpers.
Since you have been married for 30 years, you are likely legally entitled to get some of His Social Security, as well as part of any other retirement funds he has which accumulated during your marriage.
If there's a business, or other salable assets, those are also likely partially yours.
It's always all about the money, in the end.
The highest goals for you, include ensuring your on-going appropriate care and well-being, and getting you out of bondage to a person who doesn't want to be with you--hold onto your goals!
His goal is to quit the marriage [for whatever reason]; if he's become mean, he might try almost anything nasty to keep you mentally knocked off-balance--that's a common Offensive move in any hard conflict, which can get very ugly.
It can't have been pleasant in any way, to be in a partnership this contentious; he's likely been having behaviors for a long time.
It's very emotional and scary to suddenly get cut loose from a partnership of so many years, especially when one is so limited; but as things are now, it's likely to be increasingly worse, by staying in it longer.
Regardless what is causing those [because there can be mental causes for those!], the whole point right now, is protecting yourself as best possible.
You might find yourself pleasantly surprised, to feel some better, once quit of this mess, no matter how the assets get distributed.
The act of freeing oneself from bad situations can potentially help reduce severity of long-standing illness--if so, what a great thing! I dearly hope that applies to you!
Check with your local senior center, and your church ... They have programs that can help you too.
Good luck and God Bless you.
Elder law attorneys are great for that specific practice area, but not for divorce, which gets ugly very quickly. Someone who knows how to navigate the divorce system is the best choice, hands down.
The fighting like 2 tigers over a gazelle is one of the reasons I never stayed in this field; I preferred something more civil and clients who weren't being jerked around by their soon to be ex-spouses.
These are situations in which someone is engaged in potentially ego and asset threatening action with the assistance of an attorney. They can get ugly, violent, fraught with allegations and fighting. You need someone capable of managing this, like a guide who takes kayakers out on a river trip and is capable of handling white water rapids. Think of divorce as that - a rough journey over raging waters and hidden boulders in a violent river. That's I think a good representation of what anyone could face.
And be aware that the Friend of the Court who gets involved will be an asset to you as well. This is the person who will help when your husband doesn't pay any alimony ordered, as may very well happen.
Can you imagine if someone reported you to Child Protective Serivces as being an alcoholic and you were investigated by it, with the possibility of losing your children, even if you weren't an alcoholic? Can you imagine if someone claimed to CPS that you abused your children, even when the abuser was your husband? Can you even conceive of the anxiety a mother feels when she's still mandated by court order to allow her husband visitation rights, worrying about whether he's going to retaliate physically against your children?
Can you imagine someone posting these kinds of negative and false accusations on some idiotic social media site? Can you imagine what it feels like to have CPS investigate you? Can you imagine what it's like to struggle and ask for public assistance b/c the husband won't pay child support but spends money frivolously on himself?
It's idealistic to consider forgiveness, but in the down and dirty world that sometimes accompanies divorce, forgiveness is just not realistic.
I'm curious: how many times have you been divorced?