I am 62 and my husband is 66. We’ve been married for 22 years, and for a good majority of this time, I’ve been quite unhappy. He’s seems like a nice guy when you first meet him, but throughout our entire married life, he hasn’t been open to making new friends, having people over, including family at times, and I’ve become increasingly isolated.
Early into our marriage, he wanted to move to California from the East Coast because he hated it there, and though I was leaving family and lifelong friends, I was excited for a new adventure. But now I know the extent of his OCD and how it dictates our monotonous days, and as it turns out, most vacationers have seen way more of California than I have!
His life has revolved around his ridged diet and workout schedule, which has always come first before anyone, including me. Due to his bodybuilder routine in his early 60s, he has worn down his joints and needs a hip replacement and he also has spinal stenosis with nerve damage and lots of pain.
I am as sympathetic as I can be, but he is a creator of his own problems…There has been very little time for anything aside from his OCD health routines and the business that I started and we run together.
His daughter who is a single mother with two children is also depending on us to pay her rent. She works for us, but does the bare minimum, and has always taken advantage.
I feel very used by his daughter, and my needs have never been satisfied in this marriage. At this point, I know they never will be…. But at the same time, even though my therapist labeled him as a covert narcissist and has identified some verbal abuse, I know him to be a kind person with a good heart.
If I had any medical issues, I’m sure he would help me through them, so I’m struggling with what to do. Do I stay and be the dutiful wife and waste more years of my life or should I leave and finally reclaim my life before it’s too late?
"Narcissist" is the buzz word of the 21st century, imo, and used to describe anyone who displays any level of selfish behavior. My step daughters DH is a real narcissist who threw her out on the street at midnight after an argument he couldn't win. Penniless (narcs don't allow joint accounts), no clothing, no car, just the clothes on her back, and forced her to seek shelter with friends for MONTHS while he hid her daughter 100 miles away. That's narc behavior. She had to beg for money from her siblings just to survive. They got divorced and then she remarried him. Pure insanity runs thru both of their veins.
Best of luck.
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You have time to make a life and you should.
I would pull hubby aside now and say you are leaving, after clearing such a move with your family, and go back home after my divorce. I would get a legal separation of finances right away. I would leave him to the medical system which will support him and his daughter's help and care, or any he hires in. Recovery from hip almost always goes quickly and well. And if it DOESN'T the last thing you need is saddled with it.
You have known you want to leave a long time, I suspect. I am curious what excuses you made to yourself prior to this? And why you are choosing to leave now with a surgery on the menu, but I will tell you one thing--if you are finally ready to make a happy life for yourself, NOTHING would stop me, a total hip surgery the least of all.
That is just you trying to talk yourself into staying with a theoretical situation that hasn’t happened.
It might be best that you get yourself to the east coast and then tell him you aren’t going back.
Do you have family or friends on the East Coast? Maybe go for a visit and don't come back. Do you have the ability to support yourself? DH should recover from the hip surgery well. They have people up and going not long after surgery.
Do you want to be his caregiver for the rest of his life or yours? I had a friend who left her husband afterbover 20 yrsvof marriage. My SIL left mu brother after 20 yrs, Me, better to be alone than be unhappy in a marriage.
Yes, my parents, 86 and 92, who will be needing my help in the future likely. They are stubbornly living independently and managing. I have two grown nephews, who are married, and ALL my true friends who I talk to live there.
I can likely find a job, even at my age, by bringing my connections to another PR/Marketing agency but there are a lot of moving parts and I don't know what to do first, plus I feel evil leaving him now.
I do not want to be a caregiver to him for the rest of my life that is for sure. Maybe I would feel differently if I loved him, and I had a lot of happy memories to look back on, but I don't. It's all been empty dreams and promises, and the realty has been a suffocating OCD lifestyle. Three square very expensive and healthy meals a day, work, gym, walks by myself, and breakfast at the same place on the coast every Saturday for the last 17 years since we've lived here....
I agree, though I'm scared because if I have a health issue I will truly be alone because we don't have kids together. Something he promised me-- just one is all I wanted, but he went back on it once we were married at the ages of 39, and 43.
As has been mentioned, recovery from a hip op is often quick and easy especially for a relatively young individual. It is not a reason for you to stay in an unhealthy marriage.
I see from reading below you are working hard to "keep us afloat" My goodness. He has it made! Partnerships can be dissolved. Put your energies onto building a business/job for yourself. This situation is never going to get better. it will get worse. If your beliefs stop you from getting a divorce, get a legal separation and get on with your life where and how you want it to be. He will not be a good caregiver for you if you need care.
Decide what you want for your future. This op does not tie you down to your husband. See a lawyer and find out what your financial situation will be. Talk with your therapist and decide how you want to proceed.
You mention "I know him to be a kind person with a good heart." I have difficulty with that considering the rest of your post. You are in no way responsible for his daughter's rent. You should be building up resources for your old age. Please work these things through with your therapist.
I see you are feeling insecure considering your parent's age and other factors. You are young enough to rebuild, I met someone when I was 72 and divorced and have built a good life with him. I'm 87 now. It's never too late. Good luck.
It is your responsibility to get your needs met. Telling him about them is not productive. We can't change others, but we can change ourselves. What can you do independently to meet your most important needs? Only you can figure that out.
You were coerced into a Thanksgiving at your SD’s home that you didn’t want and it is a few days after. There is that.
I would separate the stenosis from the hip surgery. You learned of it a month ago, when was he diagnosed? This is wrong on so many levels if he has known and felt it was none of your concern.
I wonder if he is too OCD to be leaving his financial future in your hands knowing you aren’t happy?
Especially as he basically keeps the books and plans your lives while you work??
I would use the time he is in the hospital and the rehab checking things out on the financial front. Do you go over the taxes before signing? Do you look at the bank statements? Does he have a safety deposit box you never see the contents of? How are the bank accounts set up? Is the daughter a beneficiary?
Work with professionals so that you aren’t manipulated by him in the areas you are unsure of. Stop taking his word at face value for anything. If you don’t have access to your financial records/accounts, why not? Just how bad is this?
When was the last time you saw your parents?
Why not plan your own day this coming Saturday? Skip breakfast and get out a bucket list and see what you would be sorry you missed in Ca if you left next week. Would you dare to do that? Just how strong is his control?
Would you miss the step grands? Are they taught to respect and love you? Do they see your husband while you are working?
Would you want this step daughter to be your caregiver?
Could you imagine making her your POA? Is she her dad’s POA?
What would you miss about your Ca life? Sometimes going home isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
At the very least I would insist on getting the daughter on her own. She has an Inheritance and you have what? The looming prospect to be someone’s drudge who is not going to give you a minutes peace if you don’t do everything the way he wants it to be done?
You can’t afford her. Hire someone to do the little she does if it would put you under water to do w/o her meager contribution. Pay a salary and taxes and who ever you pay is responsible for their own rent. You may be looking at caregivers for him soon if you are going to be the provider.
Insist on couples therapy. Use the fact that you just learned of this diagnosis to increase the need for a clear understanding of his future and the fact that he was keeping it from you. That the daughter needs to go, etc.
These are tough issues but they will never get easier and lots of red flags for them to get worse.
Your husband sounds condescending to me but you have to want to be in control of your own life and that can be scary if you have grown accustomed to someone else calling the shots. He doesn’t sound lazy like the daughter but he will most likely be very threatened by any independence you show. It may be too difficult to change your own actions with him looming large. You may need a separation. To “take some time apart” as you work through these life altering decisions.
Let us know how it goes. Holidays are hard. A lot of issues surface that we let slide other times of the year. Maybe that’s a benefit of holidays to force us to acknowledge what’s not working so well with the people we spend our lives with.