I have been reading on this forum for a couple of months. I just don't think I have it in me to care for her. Our relationship is very strained and I feel very distant from her emotionally. She can be very difficult to be around. She can make everyone hate life around her if someone upsets her. I now know it will only get worse as time goes on. I know there are people who will think I'm a awful daughter and that's okay. She never wanted to take care of me when I was young and sick as a child. (nothing serious, just kids being sick) She would leave me alone, or tell me to get away from her...she did not want to catch it. She is larger than me. And she expects too much. She expects everyone to change their life to fit her life. (move to her and quit my job, she's in her mid 70's and pretty healthy) I know this would just be the start. She wants me to be her personal assistant or her be the big dog and I would be the little dog. She does not like my husband and this would become an issue. I'm afraid after a while I would not be nice to her. I don't want that to happen, I love her. But I need to make sure she is safe and being taken care of each day. I'm thankful for this forum and going to counseling to help me see what I need to do for BOTH of our mental health. Thank you!
Who else feels this way?
Honestly, don't do it. I've seen it with my Dad - does not give a rats a*s about anyone else except himself. 95% of the time he doesnt "need" my help but he wants to be the Big Kanuna that everyone runs around to. Sometimes I think he'd prefer it if I got divorced, abandoned my kids etc so he could have me 100%.
I struggled with guilt for years then it sunk in that he didnt give a toss about me or my wellbeing. He mentioned I looked tired one day and that I should "calm down a bit, stop working so much, and look after myself".
Amazing thing to say when he expected me to be at his beck and call. Its stopped that day.
The OP's mother does not require care. Mother is in good health and in her seventies. There is no caregiving to be done. God willing - and although most of us are likely to need some kind of support if we get past, say, eighty - there may *never* be any caregiving to be done.
So although I share the concern about the level of anxiety the poor OP is feeling, the advice "don't do it" doesn't help. Not because it isn't sound advice in itself, in general, but because it is just not applicable. She can't not do something there is no current prospect of her even needing to say no to, let alone stop doing.
Math, has this fear got worse recently? What brought you to AgingCare?
When you have these conversations about what your mother expects in terms of care in her old age: who brings the subject up, you or your mother? And how does it even come up as a subject?
My opinion is is that you should never be her caregiver. Good for you to recognize it early. Make arrangements and start leisurely picking out places and various scenarios for her eventual care needs. Consider the finances and if you have any siblings that may have a better relationship with her than you do.
I don’t subscribe to the theory that you owe it to them. The only thing you owe her is to try to ensure that she is cared for. That doesn’t mean it’s by you.
Plan now for an AL or a nursing home or in home care. Check out the costs and the requirements for each. That way when there’s a decline in health or mental status you’re ready with care that does not involve you doing the care giving. Better yet give her the information and let her do it herself. Be honest with her that you will not be caring for her. She may be expecting this despite your relationship.
Take this time to try to heal your relationship as best as you can. Remember this takes two and protect your own feelings here as well. Offer her the chance to rectify and validate her short comings as a parent. You may or may not get what you seek here so be prepared for that.
My own bad relationship with my mother has had some validation but always met with excuses for her lack of parenting and emotional abuse. Though she’d never agree with this.
I had a counselor suggest that I cease my relationship to her entirely and since I said I did not feel that I could do this, she recommended I always have a quick exit strategy upon hearing the slightest of insults or upsets to me, I would calmly just leave immediately. This relationship is now on my terms as an adult. I choose to no longer allow abuses of any kind.
I can’t tell you how freeing and healing this was for me. To even recognize it in the moment and have the power to accept this no longer! No one can make you feel anything without your consent. So don’t give it to her.
I chose to keep the relationship open for healing and I’ve had some over the years in bits and pieces. It was a chance I took. You may choose not to and that’s fine too. Decide what you will and will not accept and stick to it.
Good for you BTW! Obviously you’ve already begun to heal from this relationship to be where you’re already at with your decision.