I'm just going to say it... I don't think I'm cut out to care for my mum when she may need it!

I know exactly how you feel! You are definitely not alone!!!

I understand your feelings and they’re natural in a strained relationship.
My opinion is is that you should never be her caregiver. Good for you to recognize it early. Make arrangements and start leisurely picking out places and various scenarios for her eventual care needs. Consider the finances and if you have any siblings that may have a better relationship with her than you do.
I don’t subscribe to the theory that you owe it to them. The only thing you owe her is to try to ensure that she is cared for. That doesn’t mean it’s by you.
Plan now for an AL or a nursing home or in home care. Check out the costs and the requirements for each. That way when there’s a decline in health or mental status you’re ready with care that does not involve you doing the care giving. Better yet give her the information and let her do it herself. Be honest with her that you will not be caring for her. She may be expecting this despite your relationship.
Take this time to try to heal your relationship as best as you can. Remember this takes two and protect your own feelings here as well. Offer her the chance to rectify and validate her short comings as a parent. You may or may not get what you seek here so be prepared for that.
My own bad relationship with my mother has had some validation but always met with excuses for her lack of parenting and emotional abuse. Though she’d never agree with this.
I had a counselor suggest that I cease my relationship to her entirely and since I said I did not feel that I could do this, she recommended I always have a quick exit strategy upon hearing the slightest of insults or upsets to me, I would calmly just leave immediately. This relationship is now on my terms as an adult. I choose to no longer allow abuses of any kind.
I can’t tell you how freeing and healing this was for me. To even recognize it in the moment and have the power to accept this no longer! No one can make you feel anything without your consent. So don’t give it to her.
I chose to keep the relationship open for healing and I’ve had some over the years in bits and pieces. It was a chance I took. You may choose not to and that’s fine too. Decide what you will and will not accept and stick to it.
Good for you BTW! Obviously you’ve already begun to heal from this relationship to be where you’re already at with your decision.

Math, just looking again at your reply to me as well as some of your other comments:

When you have these conversations about what your mother expects in terms of care in her old age: who brings the subject up, you or your mother? And how does it even come up as a subject?

Just to call a little more attention to this small but important detail:

The OP's mother does not require care. Mother is in good health and in her seventies. There is no caregiving to be done. God willing - and although most of us are likely to need some kind of support if we get past, say, eighty - there may *never* be any caregiving to be done.

So although I share the concern about the level of anxiety the poor OP is feeling, the advice "don't do it" doesn't help. Not because it isn't sound advice in itself, in general, but because it is just not applicable. She can't not do something there is no current prospect of her even needing to say no to, let alone stop doing.

Math, has this fear got worse recently? What brought you to AgingCare?

OP I agree with a lot of the comments on here....

Honestly, don't do it. I've seen it with my Dad - does not give a rats a*s about anyone else except himself. 95% of the time he doesnt "need" my help but he wants to be the Big Kanuna that everyone runs around to. Sometimes I think he'd prefer it if I got divorced, abandoned my kids etc so he could have me 100%.

I struggled with guilt for years then it sunk in that he didnt give a toss about me or my wellbeing. He mentioned I looked tired one day and that I should "calm down a bit, stop working so much, and look after myself".

Amazing thing to say when he expected me to be at his beck and call. Its stopped that day.

Dear MathIA,

I wholeheartedly agree with Leonine1 and many others below! You have only one life to live, so set your boundaries, get psychological support for yourself and physical help for your mom outside your home. And do your best without making yourself guilty and anxious! Best of luck to you.

If you already know you can't do it, then I don't blame you at all. It consumes your life......And it's like your life just stands still. The most stressful, roller coaster of emotions I have ever lived through. Taking care of someone can be done in so many complex ways these days, that doesn't involve living with them, and tending to daily care and\or needs. Once your completely engulfed in the situation, it becomes much more difficult to make other arrangements. I'm glad you came here first. Wish I had known of this forum ten years ago. Meanwhile, my life is on hold in a lot of ways and just not my own, for sure. It has taught me a lot however, especially that I will never be a caregiver for anyone, after this, ever again. Not worth the negative toll it has taken on my own health and life. I'm 38, so I hope to have my own life, privacy, home, etc. A little later on. I love my mother of course, it's the situation I'm not pleased with, and how it has changed my core being. I will find me again!! -Determined

I don't see a problem,,,get someone to take care of her. You have to take care of yourself, first....assisted living, many options, start looking around.

HI Mathisawesome , You hang in there girl , you hit the the nail on the head sounds like my situation and another 50 million other ladies around the world ! Boundaries ,boundaries, boundaries , make sure you take good care of yourself mentally and physically because she will SUCK you dry ,I know being an only daughter with 4 brothers a lot fell on me to do my daughtly duties whatever that means .....my brothers only had to show up but I had to do backflips for her ,please be kind to yourself and I wish you the best .

However, there is no "written in stone" rule that you must provide care to your mom. My prior post seemed rather wrong once I relooked at it and I'm sorry.

While not everyone may be "cut out for caregiving," there comes a time when it's necessary.

I feel similarly about my dad. He moved in with me 9 months ago and goes crazier every passing day. He’s pretty healthy physically for an 85 year old but mentally he’s just gone. He gets paranoid fits and runs out of the house and I can’t chase him bc I’m alone with twins. Medicaid wants so much paperwork I can’t locate and I can’t afford to put him in a facility. I feel our relationship is very strained bc every day he comes up with these crazy (and I mean CRAZY) scenarios of what’s going on with him and I just want him out of my house. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I wish he’d just die already (omg that makes me such a shitty daughter but it’s just honestly how I feel at the height of stress) and I don’t want to feel that way bc I owe my dad everything. He was always a great dad. I feel like there’s many people out there to judge but I’m only one person with no supports but many dependents.

To mathisawesome —- My mom admitted that she was not cut out to take care of her Mom so she left it to one of her sisters. My mom was financially able so she foot the bill for her care and kept her at her my Aunts home and my aunt did not work. My mom has also told me that she does not want to be a burden to me. So, being the only remaining child, and no other family members to step up, my Mom is in Memory Care Facility, was at home until husband could no longer care for her. Fortunately Mom has left enough money and made me POA to take care of her needs for a awhile. I am not cut out to be caregiver to my Mom as we did not have a mother-daughter relationship - ever. I completely understand how you feel. Even though I appear cold-hearted- no one else has walked in my shoes and therefore cannot judge me. I am doing what is best for my Mom. Some of my family would put her in a terrible place and take the money if they could. She is in a great facility and getting the best care she could possibly have. Hang in there, you are not alone.

I don't think that any of us think you are a terrible daughter for feeling the way that you do about being moms caregiver.
I believe not all people have it in them to go thru a stressful
situation as caregiving.
I would say to you
if you feel very strongly that you will not be able to handle the situation for an unknown amount of time, than do everything you need to make sure that when your loved one comes to the time
where she requires additional help in life all of the arrangements are made to secure that your loved one is taken care of by someone, some place, whatever, as long as she is taken care of.
in your cause it might be better to visit mom often and leave the care giving to someone else you trust.

I feel this way. That's exactly why I joined this forum. Mom refused advanced directives and end of life care before her near fatal stroke 6 months ago.
I had to become her legal guardian because the stroke left her paralyzed and unable to speak.
Being thrust into her life when she's in this condition has taken its toll on me because its all very confusing. Everything from family members, medical, financial, domestic, etc. all her issues have had to be dealt with on a daily basis.
Care giving is very challenging.

Can I just ask: what triggered your decision to seek counselling about this situation with your mother? Was there a particular event, did you reach some sort of crisis level about it?

The thing is. There is no situation. Your mother is in her mid 70s and pretty healthy. She has been needling you about this topic since she was in her mid 50s; you have stood your ground; she's still needling you; and there is still no prospect of your actually becoming her caregiver. She's been pushing the same button for *twenty years* and it's still working?

So before there is even any direct threat, you're already devoting this much energy and worry to justifying your right to prevent a situation that cannot possibly develop without your active agreement.

If your mother did need care, and you and your husband decided that your home was in no way the right setting, nobody can even require that you show your reasoning. You say no. You can even, if need be, get your husband to be the bad cop - it might make a refreshing change for him to deserve your mother's disapproval.

I just don't think your anxiety is really about becoming your mother's caregiver or about justifying why you shouldn't. It's too nebulous a proposition to keep you awake at night in this way, for this long.

So what is going on? What are you really afraid of?

Regarding the "care and feeding" of elderly parents, my mother has said that's what daughters are for. The sibling & I both own homes that couldn't possibly be modified to accommodate Mom's eventual needs--for which we're thankful. I don't think we're being selfish. It's just that Mom, on any day, any time in her life, is anything but pleasant to live with. From things I've read on this forum, I can imagine what a live-in caretaking situation would devolve into.

I made the decision to care for my mother as I thought I was the best of us 4 siblings to do it. I had the space in my house and the excuse that she needed to move in with us to help us as I was a single parent and had a child with a disability.

It's been challenging but she has helped me with housekeeping when she was healthier. Now that her health is waning and I no longer have children home, it is getting hard. Resentment sets in when you see your siblings enjoying their empty nest years and visiting 1-2 times a year. I plan to keep caring for my mom until she needs nursing and then we will consider facilities.

What everyone says in previous comments is spot on. It's hard and it does affect your overall attitude and quality of life. But it seems to be the right thing to do. I have many moments when I feel trapped and my future looks so full of stress.

If you do go down this path, I recommend you join a caregiver support group that meets regularly and go and let your frustrations out. Spiritual support for you is paramount, too. If you put her in a far room in the house or build a small addition, ever better. When you are disconnected from your mother, there is no emotional love/feedback to keep you going. At least when caring for a disabled child, your natural motherly instincts and love drive you but not so with a negative mother (mine is).

It is also paramount that you keep your needs as high a priority as your own. Exercise and socialize and hire someone to be with your mother while you are out even if she threatens misery. My mother tells the help to leave, though, and if you find help that is clever and talk their way into staying, pay them well!

Anyway, that's my two cents worth. I hope it helps.

MIndy

Mathisawesome, I just spent 45 minutes typing a reply and hit some key that made it all disappear! Let me start by saying my mother always expected me to abandon my life to come live with her and care for her until the day she died (she is now 91). I always replied NO in clear refusal, I will not leave my husband and abandon my house and my life, and it's unreasonable for you to expect me to do this. She is now in her second AL. I do have all legal authorities; POAs, co-trustee, fiduciary duties, etc. I am her only child and live 1000 miles away. This year had the most stressful successive demanding crises so far, and I have learned a few things on my own, and from other posters on this forum (I thank God I found this forum a few months ago). Be firm! Be in control of the conversation as much as possible; mom has dementia so sometimes I can steer the conversation or distract her away from her demented stories (of people stealing from her). In addition, I now selectively tell her what I am doing because this year she manufactured a health crisis whenever I made plans for anything, so I don't tell her my plans. I say an emphatic "NO" to unreasonable requests, which she replies, "You have no right to tell me NO." And I reply, "No I don't but I'm saying it anyway," and she goes on to something else. We and our parents have no idea what the future holds for any of us. Please be encouraged to live your life as best you can without fear of your mother's threatened control over you, like I did for so many years. I have to say my mom did do all the legally necessary things to give me 100% authority for her - in that sense she did make me her caregiver, but without living with her. You are not financially responsible for your mother's care, she is. Research now what is required wherever you live for financial assistance for when her money runs out, legal assistance or documents such as POA for health care and financial decisions, bank accounts, etc. if you are willing to do this, or find professionals who will do these things for you/her. (One note about a safe deposit box at a bank, that when the person dies, the bank locks it up and you cannot get whatever is in there until probate is over - even if the will is in there - so make sure your name is on the account or close it.) Don't feel less of a daughter/person because your mom tries to make you feel that way. My mom is controling, manipulative, narcisstic (which I recently realized with help from this forum), rude and intrusive. She has no boundaries and probes for everyone else's boundaries, and because of that, I had to make sure my boundaries are solid and firm. And you can do the same.

I totally understand. After awhile, the whole situation works your last nerves. That's when I know it's time for me to go back home. But my mom is able to care for herself, dress and bathe herself and cook for herself. it's strenuous on her, but she can do it. If your going to undertake this you must have adequate ancillary help and assistance in order to give yourself breaks, otherwise you'll go crazy.

Amazing answers here from everyone. My mom was a good mother, a bit controlling at times, but overall, we knew she meant well and loved us unconditionally. And even with all that love and support that she gave to us, when I became her care person, it was extremely hard on me. My life changed. Many of my friends disappeared, I cut back hours with my own work, which lowered my income considerably, and I gave up my own house to live with her. I'm glad I did all that, as my mom is usually fairly appreciative. With dementia she did become suspicious and mean to me at times and that really hurt, but I knew her real self underneath did care and she would always come around and say she was sorry. Your mom, though, began her relationship with you on a bad note. There is a possibility she will change when she becomes frail, but she could also become even more self centered. I suggest you NOT move your life to her. Make other arrangements, which alone will take much time and energy, but keep an emotional and physical distance. Talk on the phone, send letters and presents, whatever else you can think of to stay in touch. I suggest also that you let her know now that what she expects cannot happen. You don't have to say why. It just won't.

I can deeply understand your feelings.

First, let me say how proud I am of you for recognizing your own emotions surrounding this subject. And I do not feel you are a terrible person, nor a terrible daughter.

For anyone to judge you would prove their inability to support, direct, guide or comfort you.

I am not a professional mental health provider. But I am a veteran caregiver and disabled myself. With 17 years of medical background, and years of supporting others, I assure you taking time to heal broken bonds is far more important.

Anyone can empty a bed pan, but not anyone can be her daughter. Furthermore, you must take care of your needs to be any help to others.

My family tried to care for my grandmother, who was a bitter and angry woman. Much like what you describe. What it resulted in was a lot of abuse by her hands. In the end she was placed at a rest home equipped to help her.

The family damage was life altering. I have carried those wounds as others did. What I learned helps me to this day.

Not everyone is in the right place to be a caregiver. It's not a failing. You researching other options for her is just as loving. Some have nobody to even provide that support.

Maybe no one will say it to you. But with what you shared, it would likely be a terrible experience for both of you and perhaps put your marriage at risk as well.

Care giving is hard, thankless, time consuming, depriving at times and once locked in others are slow to come to your aid.

So no one should ever start that engine without the proper fuel. And that fuel works best in an environment of trust, unity and within healthy personal boundaries.

I offer the comfort that looking to professional guidance for your Mom is likely best. Spend time looking for resources for her and step back to be the daughter.

On a side note, and totally unsolicited. Maybe finding someone to hear out your pains would be life enhancing.

Dealing with that can allow you the strength to keep saying no when needed and yes when able. It is a gift to give oneself.

I am glad you came here and were open and honest. I hope others support you.

If I can support you further visit me at AngelsofOurOctober.com Where free support is offered for those looking at complex issues in the home.

And of course this site is brimming full of many resources I faithfully make use of myself and trust-sincerely PJ

Lots of people feel the way you do, & you know what's best for your own situation. It's not wrong to choose alternate caregivers for your mother. Putting your husband first is wise also, cuz your own marriage cud be destroyed if you allowed destructive interactions with your mother to prevail. Good for you.✌🌸

Math IS awesome, isn't it ?!!? And so is science! I love math and science. I haven't encountered many other women who love math and science. Anyway, about being your mother's caregiver .... DON'T DO IT!!! It is such hard work - mentally, physically and emotionally. It takes an incredible toll on your life. It will most likely ruin everything in your own life ... your health, your career, all of your relationships across the board. You would literally be totally sacrificing your own life. Forever. You don't bounce back from something like that. And trust me, no matter how much you give, it will never be enough. You will not be appreciated. By anyone. Your mother will probably forget everything you do for her. And you'll be the person your mom lashes out at and blames for her unhappiness any time she feels down. You'll be blamed for things and accused of things that you had nothing to do with. Don't ruin your life. Don't do it. You are smart not to do it. It's not selfish ... It's appreciating the gift of your life. Being a family caregiver is essentially committing a slow form of suicide. It's not valuing your own life. You could find yourself in need of a caregiver by the time your loved one passes. I cared for my dad for 5-1/2 years. I love him dearly, but it was, without doubt, the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. Hands down. At his house 1-3 times a day ... doing whatever needed to be done. Picking him up from the hospital 30 -40 times. Carrying him up his front stairs on my back. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking him to appointments, yardwork, etc. etc. Cleaning up disgusting messes everywhere in the house. Watching him having medical crises, and reading I was losing him. Missing work for his appointments or for other problems in his life. I couldn't take time off work for appointments for myself. I haven't seen a doctor for myself for over 6 years. And I need to And now, my dad doesn't remember any of what I've done caring for him. Oh, and it gets worse. But I'll spare you the rest of the details. I will never do it again for anybody. Nor will I expect or allow my son to be a caregiver for me. I love him too much. Everything I described above actually happened, and it is just the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more - and so much worse. Nothing good can come of it.

Your mom is my dad. We didn’t ever have a similar conversation, but he suddenly got ill and has spiraled out of control with forcing me, my sister, and my mom to basically be his slaves. There is no medical reason he cannot use the toilet, he simply doesn’t want to, because a diaper is more “comfortable.” He won’t eat the food my mom cooks because he doesn’t like it. Yet he refuses to get out of bed and make his own food bc he claims the pain from his cancer is preventing him (yet when we go to the hospital, he ranks his pain as a 5. A FIVE, and he NEEDS to be walking around to keep muscle mass up and stop undoing what he got out of rehab!!!) you need to lay down the law NOW before your situation turns into mine and things happen so fast you find yourself being sucked in since likely someone has to help, and there is no one else beyond you set up to be that person. You get sucked in and sucked down into their horrible level.

Mom did take care of her mom for a few months. But her mom moved next door and did not expect mom to change fer entire life. Mom expects me to move 800 miles to somewhere I have never lived or even like and retire early to be at her every call. I have offered to let her move in with us once she gets sick and that's not good enough. She expects for us to change everything to fit her life. If I moved to her state I would be stuck there until I retire. I don't think its fair. But she does not think its fair to move during the last few months she alive. Who is right? I feel I did the correct thing and offer.

I think it's smart that you're thinking about it now, instead of waiting until a crisis
and stepping in without knowing how years of your life will be consumed with
one crisis after another. And just when you're catching your breath, the manufactured crisis begin. Which are worse. Give me health difficulties over
toxic drama any day.

Neither my mother nor my MIL took care of aging parents - there was another DIL or sister who stepped up and was the caregiver - even though the elders where in assisted living or nursing home - they did all of the running to doctors, fetching this or that, beauty parlor etc.

Both my mom and MIL have indicated that expected to live with us - to which we consistently say as politely as possible - "no, we are not set up for that, but we will help you move to assisted living and visit you there". We don't want to fight about it now - but we don't want them either to think that silence is acquiescence.

mathisawesome, read his article, it really helped me understand why I was not cut out to be a hands-on caregiver. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm

But I was pretty good at being a logistical caregiver finding answers to my parents aging issues.

I like the "getting a rise". Stick by your guns. The next time she brings it up, tell her this is the last time you will say this "I am not caring for you. I am not going to fetch and carry for you. There are County resources that you can use when needed" (u can research. Our O of A has a booklet of services) "you are not moving near her or in with her, not happening. If she brings the subject up again, you won't be calling or coming around."

Worry about her future care when it happens. If u do get her to assign you POAs, all they mean is she is giving you the ability to make decisions on her behalf when she can no longer make informed decisions. It does not mean you are her servant. Just makes things a lot easier when the time comes where she isn't paying bills or needs LTC.

All you owe Mom is like you said, to keep her fed, safe and clean. You don't have to be hands on to do that. Just tell her you will make sure she is in a nice AL or NH.😊