Follow
Share

Mom was emotionally abusive growing up and I put my life on hold when her and dad divorced. Haven’t lived near her since I married. Very verbally abusive over the years. Many “I’m cutting you off” comments. She is now living with friends after selling her house and then cancelling going back to England. Doc says she shouldn’t live or travel alone. There is a spot for her in assisted living, but she is angry and calls me mean. Now  she wants to make me POA. What options do I have if I don’t do it? I know it sounds harsh, but I am also in FL with 3 kids of my own. I can’t just run up there when necessary. I tried to move her down a few years ago. I was even buying her a condo and it was under contract. She backed out and said “she wouldn’t be told where to live”. 2 years later, after she was in tears about being so far from us. I tried to move her down again. but was met with same resistance after finding her a place. Now she is out of options. The nursing home is nice and I know people there. I know it sounds like I’m being heartless. But for my own mental health I can’t do this anymore. Just this morning she said I was “Mean and uncaring”. 😞

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
If she's already calling you mean and uncaring, being her poa would be a nightmare.

Just say no. That policy has to work for something, right?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Tell her she needs to choose the person best able (and willing) to do the job, and it isn't you.

Don't go into the logistics discussion, just tell her it isn't feasible and you want only the best for her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My opinion, you are too far away to be her POA. To handle her finances and Medical you need to be close to at least her Drs. Hard to make decisions concerning someones care when you cannot see them. Some people think when they assign someone as POA that means the assigned person is at their beck and call and that the assigned will be their caregiver. This not true.

A POA is a tool. You are a representative for the person. Most POAs do not come into effect until the person is declared incompetent to make informed decisions. You use none of your own money.

My Mom didn't have much especially after Medicaid but she had a house which did not sell till after her death. POA can be a big responsibility. I think your too far away to handle what goes with it.
Plus, you do not have a good relationship with her. Be glad she did not take you up on the Condo. Tell her she is better finding someone closer. One of her friends,or a lawyer.

With your Mothers background, she may think a POA is the way she can control you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

POA should live in the same state. The closer, the better.

"Sorry, mom. Either you move here or I can't be your POA."
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
sp19690 Aug 2022
Ummm i would not advise OP to tell mom to move to Florida near OP. Mother is abusive.

Daughter should just say, no I cannot be POA.

No excuses no reason just six simple words NO I cannot be your POA.
(3)
Report
SamIam- I like your screen name. Cute.

Back to your situation, if you think it's this bad dealing with her from a distance now, wait till you move her closer to you. It will be he!!. I guarantee you that. You will live to regret that decision until the day she dies.

Your mom is the mean and uncaring one. You're not.

Mom: You're mean and uncaring
You: I know you are, but what am I?

You're not heartless either. Self protection is not heartless. It's common sense. If you bring her near you, not only you ruin your life, you'll ruin your family and your marriage, too. Don't do it. Don't become her POA.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

She is still verbally abusive.

You can find or tell her to find a certified elder law attorney that has fiduciary services. They can be her POA. (www.nelf.org)

Please do not offer to move her closer. She is obviously not a nice, loving mom and she will create a living nightmare for you if she is close. Everything will be ALL your fault and will give her justification to be more abusive.

She has made her choices, you get to make yours and NO, is a complete sentence.

It is NEVER a good idea to take responsibility for anyone that abuses us.

Who really cares what she thinks of you? Her opinion is not important and she only shows how little she thinks of you when she spews her hateful words.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Tell mom no you cannot be POA. No arguing. Just a simple no. She will have to assign someone else or the state will deal with her.

Based on your post you owe your abusive mother nothing.

You owe yourself a peaceful and beautiful life. And to do that you cannot be in charge of your mother's life.

It won't be easy. You will feel guilty but do not let guilt allow you to falter or waiver in your resolve to not be your mother's keeper.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Nobody has to have a POA, it's a convenience for the person's family members. And nobody can make you BE a POA. If she sends you POA paperwork you call the attorney that made it and decline. It's completely voluntary and although it's a great idea for many people it sounds like it would be a nightmare for you. Say no! She can find someone willing to act as her POA or she can live without. Necessary decisions will be made for her, one way or the other.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

A geriatric care manager could be the boots on the ground and check in with you as necessary. That person could tend to all of mom's needs without you being there.

https://www.aginglifecare.org
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/basics/info-2020/geriatric-care-manager.html
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter