I'm full of fear. Any advice?

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I have complained about my mom's clingy personality and demands on my time on a daily basis. As some of you know she has mild dementia and lives on her own in her own house across the street, but I am her source of "entertainment' and companionship. Well, tonight things are in perspective for me. For the umpteenth time, my significant other, who I think has very narcissistic abusive (emotionally) tendencies, has up and MOVED OUT taking all his belongings, because I didn't "shut the h*ll up" after a very dumb argument he started. He literally left me again. I am the only adult in my house with a very small family anyhow; an 18 yr old son and 13 yr old daughter. I'm feeling relief that the black cloud has left the building.... but I'm terrified. I have co-dep tendencies and there is no coda place to meet here where I live. I am having a little mild PTSD due to my ex walking out on me and placing blame on me for everything. I feel overwhelmed more than usual. And then I had a new feeling. I was AFRAID of being without my mom! She and the kids are the only people who really love me and she is the only mom I have left! I am losing her in little bits and pieces due to the dementia, but she DOES take up a lot of my time. What is going to happen to me when my mom dies? My kids will probably be starting their own lives at that time and I'll have nobody who cares about me. I'm sorry if this sounds pathetic but tonight I'm having a very hard time and I'm really scared for my future. As much as my mom bugs me, I am going to lose it when she's gone. Any words of wisdom or thoughts?

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I think people are getting a bit off subject here. Nikki is asking for support while she goes through this difficult time. She does not have an empty nest and she has no plans to take her ex-boyfriend back. She just needs lots of hugs and encouragment right now. her big girl pants are on order and in time she will pull herself up by her bootstraps.but now she needs a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
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Empty Nest Syndrome! As people have said, you panic. It gets better whether you have a significant other or not. You actually get to slow down from being the caretaker and speed up your 'finding yourself' again. I am happily married and my hubby and I went out and bought Harleys and have fun riding and traveling when we can. You will have more money (even if you help out your children) since the utility bills are cut significantly, you spend less on gas, food, etc.
It's hard to think positive all the time and once in a while we all need to 'break down' and have a good cry. Think of it as cleansing yourself to start new. I hope you get through this and it sounds like you are a strong woman that will. May your new life without the "dog" be wonderful. Remember, you have a bond with your children that will last a lifetime and they might move out and spread their wings, but they always fly home.
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Speak with your doctor about what you are feeling. I know it is difficult, but with life comes death-everything dies, this is the natural life cycle. We miss those that have gone but we have them in our hearts and in our memories. We can't go back and redo things, we can only plow ahead. You are never truly alone, so don't be afraid. Just when you think you can't stand it any more, things will change. Get out, meet new people, go to the library, look at community activities that you can participate in. My local paper publishes a date book section that has all sorts of activities for the community. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask about their caregiver support group, it helps to share feelings and you can receive tips on how to better approach your mom.
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I am alone. Divorced an abusive, narcisist 10 years ago. My kids are grown and gone now, one living 1500 miles away. But I have to tell you, once you allowe yourself to be alone---really alone--and give yourself a chance to rediscover who you are and your inner strength again, you will become reborn in a sense. Flat tire? yea got AAA and got it fixed. Got laid off? Got another job. All my fears were basically realized and I conquered them one by one.

Now that I've grown and reclaimed myself, I can honestly say I'd rather be alone than be in a rotten relationship just to have a man. I control my own remote, I travel when I want, buy what I want, eat dinner when I want etc etc. Its truly freeing, not frightening.

What is more frightening is to allow your fears and anxieties to make you fear change.

The other thing, is please don't continue to expose your young daughter to this. She will grow up thinking its ok for a man to treat a woman like that and repeat this. Your heart will break when you see her in a bad relationship because you didn't give her a good role model. Be strong. You can live w/o a man really you can. Let your son see you are a strong woman too. Grow for them as well as yourself.

Get counseling if you have to. And what you described is called crazy making. If you read about abusive relationships, thats one of the signs...horrible behavior then turning around and acting all nice and sweet. It keeps you off your guard and makes you think "well if only he could be that way all the time" or "see I knew he was a good guy underneath" then bam! the rug is pulled out. Abusers see the weakness and they lose respect for their victims thinking "how much will see take before she's had enough." Usually the woman stays no matter what. Be glad he left.

Mostly, why do you want to stay in this relationship? You have enough with your mom on your plate and your teenage daughter. Allow yourself some me-time and personal space and after awhile you will enjoy it. take care.
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First off, it sounds like you will never be alone. Your kids will always be there for you. I lost my dad back in 2007 to colon cancer. He had stage 4 when the doctors found it. I was so scared when they said he had 3 months to live that I blamed the doctors and stormed out of the hospital crying. I drove from DC to MD crying the whole way. My point is that I blamed everyone (the drs, my dad, even god) because I was so scared. My ex husband almost put me in a nut house. I'm just letting you know this because I feel your pain, worry, and fear. I had to get help just to have someone to talk to. I have no kids, my ex husband didn't really listen to me. I know times like this are hard but we have to deal with it. If you have a special/best friend, maybe they can talk to you about this. As for you bf/husband, try going out for a girls night once a week or so and make sure you surround yourself with people who do love you. Keep your loved ones close even through the times with your mother. I'm scared of how I'll react when my mom goes. She's almost like my best friend (behind my fiance). You can always talk to me here if you need someone.
Monica
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Nikki I think your abusive boyfriend knew that you depended on him emotionally and he used you as his servant - never let you grow up. Thank your lucky stars that he has finally given you a chance to become a mature, adjusted and self reliant individual. You have as much right as anyone else to your life and your personal happiness. It is time to mature and develop self esteem. Trust yourself, you are a great daughter to your mom and probably a great mom to your daughters. Be proud of yourself. Look at the things you have accomplished, the love you have given to those who deserve it, the many wonderful things you can do.. The man who left you will be despondent over having truly lost you, like a parasite losing its host. Don't let him crawl back - and he will try - don't let this parasite suck more life out of you. Every day that you can make plans for your own, independent future, will let you gain strength. Your mom and daughters will love and appreciate you more when they feel your inner strength grow. Be good to yourself, treat yourself nice. You deserve it after all the suffering. Good luck to you!
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There are online Coda groups. It would be great to find one and start to get healthy. The erroneous people in your life have left and that is more useful energy you have left for you.
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Nikki, I hope you've continued to heal and are feeling contentment.
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Thank you, guys. I am lonely, but I have mom, the kids, my 5 cats... I can fill the void with SINCERITY and GENUINE love, even if it is from an animal. I will NEVER, (and I'm not kidding, I mean NEVER) even entertain taking him back for a second. Once you spit in my face, I mean I can handle a lot of dysfunctional emotion, but once you SPIT IN MY FACE, it is over FOR GOOD. I wonder if he realizes I'm never going to talk to him again?? His problem. Mine is regrouping, rebuilding, and realizing. I'm going to be okay. You guys are a lifesaver. thank you.
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Nikki......ok 1st of deworming medicine is cheap and u can get it from ur vet without an examine.....ok now.....I am going to say some words that will make you think.....1st of all we all come into this world alone and when its our turn to leave we leave alone....with that being said until you are comfortable with yourself being by urself....loving & respecting urself u can not love or respect anyone else....and you will never have a happy relationship....where your loved and respected for being who u are....not who you precieve the other person wants you to be. Now for your fear of ur mom dying, this is very normal...we know this is going to more than likley happen its the natural course. Think about your children they will be losing their grandmother and will need you to be stand strong & tall to be there for them and they in turn will be there for u...and even thou the heart ache from losing ur mom is almost to much to bear....you will still go on....i know lost my mom 17 months ago and every day is just as hard as the last....im looking after my 89 yr old dad who now has stage 2 dementia and is nasty, mean and down right hateful towards me....even thou i do everything for him. Regardless i must go on...as u will....and even thou ur kids will sprout their wings and fly away for a while...they will soon bless you with grand children and life will mean so much more than u ever thought....knowing ur mom will be there with u either in person or spirt....hang in there you will survive this storm too xoxo
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