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My 80 year old husband has endstage COPD and heart failure. He just sits all day and doesn't even try to do anything. Well before he got this bad he had an affair that devastated me. I was about to leave, then his health took a turn for the worse. I am only 63 and have had cancer twice and got zero help from him. Now I feel trapped taking care of him. I so want to move on with my life, but since we have been married 35 years responsibility is overwhelming me. I don't know what to do.

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Since he’s endstage won’t you be able to move on with your life soon anyway? If it were me and I deserted my husband after 35 years of marriage I’d also feel guilt and shame so I’d avoid that and deal with it a bit longer. Always liking myself and feeling good about the choices I make/ actions I take are a priority for me.

It’s horrid feeling trapped so I get that.. why not take a vacation by yourself to get away for a bit? Come back refreshed, restored?
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weaver122484 Jul 2019
My Dad was end stage for over 5 years with heart failure. But he also made an effort to do something no matter how small. I think about waiting but am overwhelmed by having to do all the "man work" he used to do. We have a large property and house which is difficult to maintain. He won't even consider downsizing. I completely painted the outside of our 2 story 4 bedroom house last summer and he thought nothing of it.
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My cousin was end stage for 5 years, it was long haul for everyone. Have you considered selling the house, move somewhere more manageable, then start traveling, if need be, hire a caretaker for him when you are gone, Might give you some relief.
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If he had an affair and if you no longer love him, then put him on notice that you will be leaving so that you can have some life. You do not owe him staying with him. Give him a timeline of when this will be done so that he can seek the help he needs to go on without him. Say a fair amount of time, like 2 months. Then seek your own advice about a divorce, and the unmarrying of your finances from his. Why would you owe someone who betrayed you? I see others below who would feel guilt. Personally I would not. Guess I am not a special person, after all, but for me it is that you can expect from me a return of how you treat me. That's just me. I have no pretence that I am the best person in the world, but I won't be a doormat, either.
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cherokeegrrl54 Jul 2019
Im right there with you, sister!!
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Your husband is end stage COPD. In my opinion, it is time to help him complete the necessary end-of-life paperwork including will, living will/DNR. I also encourage you to have the difficult discussion with your husband about how his affair and lack of support while you were sick made you feel and get some closure.

You can start taking time for yourself every day. Just because he sits around doing nothing all day - which is what end stage COPDers do - does not, in my opinion, mean you have to keep him company. Find 2-3 hours each day at a time when he's napping or otherwise settled into doing nothing, and go do something. Getting out of the house is the first step toward living your life again. You are only 63, and there are many opportunities out there to enjoy.
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How can you come out best from this? You'd probably be better off financially for the rest of your life if you stay until he passes away and become the widow. You deserve it after all you've been through. Could you take more time for yourself, distance yourself, and leave him more often with caregivers or relatives, or even on his own if he's able? If you can't bear to stay a moment longer it's okay to leave. He's been callous and you deserve to put yourself first.
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Hire professionals to do house repairs. Hire caregivers to look after him. Go on vacation, go to work, volunteer, etc. 🤗 hugs you deserve more
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cetude Jul 2019
Got the money?? I hired professionals to make repairs to the outside of my home and spent about $50,000. Nobody works for free.
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How are you financially? Medicaid does have homecare. Maybe you can qualify and get an aide a few hours a day. Call your Office of Aging. Sometimes they have aides.

Check into Medicaid for longterm care. You would be considered the Community spouse and not be made impoverished. He will eventually need more care than you can give him.

I agree. If he just sits, get out of the house. I also would do no more than I had to for him. When he starts needing help going to the bathroom or becomes incompetent, then he is ready for LTC.
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cetude Jul 2019
The lawyer I seen to get a prenuptial contract drawn up said some people get divorced in order to qualify for Medicaid due to household income. People get married or divorced for the acquisition of health insurance benefits.
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Dear Weaver, the way I see it, your husband is no longer in charge of ANYTHING regarding the care and maintenance of your home. If he would like you to stay with him until COPD claims his life, then YOU are now making the rules, buddy boy, including downsizing if that's what you'd like to do. Painting the house? Are you kidding me? You should not be lifting a finger to do ANY work at ALL in the large home or grounds, not even pulling the weeds or mowing the lawn. Hire people to do everything , including the majority of caregiving for him, and just write the checks. Insist on seeing his will and make sure you are the sole beneficiary of all the marital assets. If you stand to gain financially, stay, if you will be calling the shots. If not, leave, with no guilt and no looking back. He's treated you with pure disrespect and you owe him nothing. The rules of this game have just changed, and hubby will need to play by them if you're going to stick around.
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jacobsonbob Jul 2019
Has he ever expressed regret over having had the affair? If so, was this sincere or just "I need you to take care of me, so okay I'm sorry"? If it is the latter, I would say you have every right to figure out how to live your life without him.
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Talk to an attorney. Maybe you can get a legal separation. Seems like you could get alimony. Move to a small apartment where you don't have to deal with house or yard maintenance and let him stay where he is. Does he have children from a previous marriage? If so, let them deal with his care. You've already done your time.
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Depends. If he's got money in the bank and a nice Social Security pension, I'd stay with him because of survivor benefits--whichever has the highest paid Social Security you get. Make sure everything is going to you in his Will. If he's poor, I'd leave him without hesitation. Sounds like he won't be around that long anyway. I married for money. I would care less about the love and romance part. If you really don't love him just let him eat and do whatever he likes. If he smokes, let him smoke. His choices. If he drinks alcoholic beverages, makes sure there is plenty in the house. If he likes fried food, take him to KFC as much as he likes.

I would never marry anybody poor or broke. So if he's got some money..I'd stick with him. Otherwise see a divorce lawyer, get a job, and start living your own life. PS: You cannot get Medicare until you are 65. AND If you divorce and he dies, you may not get any of his Social Security. You better check on that with a good lawyer. It's not about love...it's all about the MONEY.
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Gurbuz Jul 2019
This is so cruel!
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I think you know the answer, but you want someone to say it for you. You are obviously still hurt by his affair and rightly so. I am in your corner there. If you no longer love him, walk away and live the remaining time of your life how you want it. You don’t have to divorce him; just find someone else to do it. Your children? Nursing home? Caregivers? Plenty of options.

Good luck.
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Remember what you promised when you were getting married! But you also have the right to live your own life. So it will best to place him in a trustworthy covalescent home and pay him periodic visits as long as he and you will live🌹🌹
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Davina Jul 2019
Remember what he promised when he got married? But he broke it big time. So she gets to decide what's best for her.
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Feel whatever you want - but don't BE helpless.

Move on with your life while you still can. That's not responsibility, that entrapment and you're doing it to yourself.
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You may want to go for counseling. I don’t know where that counseling could come from in your area where you live, but I would suppose there are a number of good groups or individuals who could give you great advice at this time of your life. If your husband is abusive, controlling, or manipulative (which it sounds as though he might be), you may want to check into some of the groups that counsel from that angle. If you just need help with working through your feelings of rejection due to his affair, I’m fairly certain there are counselors who are skilled in that area too.

A lawyer is also a counselor (legal counselor), and talking to one regarding all that has gone on and continues to occur would also be beneficial for you. An Elder Care Attorney has heard it all! They also are well-skilled in giving you the best legal counsel for your needs at this time in your life. It will cost money, but you have the right to use yours and your husband’s money to pay for this extremely important help.

I have a sister who has lived with an abusive spouse for 40+ years (minus the 6 months when she left him and then returned). If she were to say to me that she was finally ready to leave, I would help her do just that.

We don’t know all the details in people’s lives (it would be too brutal to know much of it), so I have learned not to be judgmental when it comes to people’s marriages or divorces. I’ve also learned that women can be easily convinced that it’s OK to live with abuse—after all, the abuser will constantly say that he’s going to change and the wife will on some level believe it. There’s also the fear of having to make it on their own, so they just stick with the abuse and accept that they at least have a roof over their head and some food to eat.
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You need to see a lawyer ASAP. I am sorry that you didn't dump him sooner, (I'm sure you are, too...I have wasted MANY years in loveless relationships, so I am not criticizing you!) but you can't go back. Maybe the woman he cheated on you with will will come and take acre of him (snark.) I also suggest you visit chumplady.com - a great place for people who have been cheated on can get moral support and vent!
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Can I ask a question, was this an affair or a one night stand?

I ask because we all make mistakes, this is a doozie to be sure, but if it was a moment of weakness and he is truly sorry for it then I feel like he deserves to be forgiven. If he was living a lie and having another life with this person and then he got sick and she dumped him, then maybe he needs to have his care provided by someone else. I think that looking at what would have happened had he not gotten ill will help you decide if you can provide what he needs.

I wouldn't suggest that you pick up his slack, hire the work out and if it isn't affordable then let it go.

Do you know where you stand in his will or trust? I ask because you don't need anymore surprises from him.

Please seek out a counselor that can help you forgive his transgressions, not so much for him but for you. He destroyed a trust that will never be regained but he didn't destroy your love for him or you would have already been gone. You have to live with your choices, as does he. Choose whatever you can live with.
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sudalu Jul 2019
I don't feel that the affair was as offensive as the lack of his support when she went through two bouts of cancer. It sounds as if this man is taking advantage of his wife's good will. After cheating on her, he should not be so hardnosed and demanding of her time or her decision to downsize or sell their home. I think she has the upper hand at this point. The decision is hers, and the hell with what he wants or demands. I may seem insensitive toward a dying man, but it's the bad attitude that is offputting for me.
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What would you have done before his health issues? Do it now.
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Before he got sick, did the two of you talk about the affair? If not, do it now and get it out in the open. It’s caused a big, festering wound. You owe it to yourself and the relationship to find out what it meant to him and to tell him what it’s done to you. Best to do this whether you end up leaving him or not.

I agree with others who suggest getting a clear idea of your legal rights, financial picture, and options for his care before you take any action. Think and plan carefully.

And take time for yourself - friends, relaxation, exercise- every day in as many ways as possible. You need to build up your energy.
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How long has your husband been "this bad"?

The reason I ask is that you're feeling trapped, and from your tone of voice you are also plain exhausted. I'm guessing that this has been going on too long and some straw has just broken your back.

Forget the affair. Forget the payback. This is about what you want to do *now*.

Has your husband been evaluated for hospice? Would you consider transferring him to a hospice facility or a nursing home? When did you last get a real break?
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You must move on with your life, I understand the huge guilt feelings since I am the sole caregiver of my mother (87 yrs old). I am not in your exact situation, but so understand the guilt and not being able to live any of your own life without being criticized and miserable and always feeling guilty if I am not there for even 2 hours. I am 59 yrs old, It seems like this guilt is similar to those people who have a guilt over leaving a narcissistic spouse.
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You have my sympathies - sounds like your plate is overflowing. I hope you find peace, come to terms with past. But today, you have some serious choices. While it's understandable your desire to flee - let's look at the practical side. If he's end stage, hold on. If you leave now, you may lose some SS benefits. A divorce will be tough and family and friends could be impacted.
But if you wait - it's all yours, unless a will has been drafted to another. Most surviving spouses get all. For his behavior... Work on healing yourself. After he's gone, you will want that peace of mind and honorable behavior. You were the bigger person. Think about the life to come and let it help ease your pain now. Best of luck to you and be strong.
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You don't mention your financial situation. Can you put him in a nursing home?
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Dear Weaver:
I am in same boat as you, pretty much. Hubby of 30 years cheated more than once, practiced control and emotional blackmail daily. Last 10+ years has been retired, living with Parkinson's and last 3 years dementia also. He has not helped with anything for about 8-10 years. Some days he can't think or do anything, some days are better and he can get by with assistance. Best thing is he is easier and more pIeasant to live with. I am 63 year's young and am planning for my life "after Bert". I still work full-time, have assumed all responsibilities of home and family life, see a counselor, pay in-home part time caregiver help, pay a once weekly housekeeper, attend 2 monthly care giver support groups, belong to this online caregiver support group, schedule a social life, foster dogs and volunteer with dog rescue, and am planning a big 2 week cruise and land tour package to Alaska and Canada. Hubby will be going to respite care in NH for the 2 weeks and two dog friends will live in my home and care for my and their own dogs (one week each). I must have a life balance and plan to survive this long term caregiver role. It is never easy, but you need a support circle and plan for your future when this role ends. I may be in this role for another 10 years, but I will feel good about my commitment to hubby and even better when I have the life insurance to pay off the mortgage and his SS benefits which pay higher than mine.
Hugs and good luck to you and your choice.
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sunshinelife Jul 2019
Great you are using your logic....and didn't let your emotions get the better of you :)
I admire how you have kept a structure & a routine....and living a full life.
You won't lose by doing the right thing by "Bert" either....
And this sickness & incapacity of the body has forced Bert to look at himself...I am sure he didn't like what he saw....so now he is sweeter to you...I am happy for you
I take care of my Grumpy Grandpa......its the most difficult thing I have ever done...somedays I can keep it together...like you do...(you make it sound like ice skating....quick smooth & graceful :)'
Somedays when he's abusive I fall apart & scream & cry
I just keep us both as healthy as possible....and do my very best


"When you give, you are not the giver, but the witness of life giving to itself"
Kahil Gibran author
Book
The Prophet
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Let's think about whether you actually NEED to listen to him re: downsizing, etc. You are absolutely right that you should not have to do all of the outside (or inside!) work that this house is demanding of you. I also understand why the responsibilities of his care are overwhelming for you. I'm 65 and can no longer do all of those things, either. Have you sought counseling yet? I found that the support of a counselor when I had to make tough changes about my marriage was invaluable. I have poor boundaries and it took years for me to completely get the now ex who cheated on me out of my life, and he didn't have the serious health issues that your husband has (although he constantly had -- and has -- some health problems, if you talk to him). I think that one-on-one support from a counselor might help you with making these tough decisions. You don't have to continue to let him be your boss....
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Move on. Let his mistress take care of him. Or not.
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As I see it, YOU are in the driver's seat here.  Where do you want to be - it's not here, and he is not going to provide any answers.  Work toward downsizing or whatever it is that you'd like to do.  If you provide 24/7 care, then get a sitter or caregiver for just a few hours to give you some relief, but more importantly, time to set a plan in motion for you.  It sounds that not only is he overwhelming, but you are taking care of everything.  As suggested, get help with what you can.  Also, make sure that POA, will, etc. is in order - not only his, but yours.  You have had some health issues yourself.  Now is the time to get this all under control.  Hugs - it's not easy doing this alone!
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lealonnie1 and cherokeegrrl54, I do not know weaver or her husband or anything of their life together and current situation. I’m just a stranger on an internet forum that can share my thoughts from my own experiences in the hope that she might feel less alone.

I said I would feel guilty. I.

*** and I have no idea where many of you read the original post as someone needing help getting her “due” from his earnings/social security/etc.. Guess I missed that completely 🤷🏼‍♀️
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disgustedtoo Jul 2019
SS - I think some were concerned that if she divorced him she might lose out in a share of his SS benefits, assuming his were higher than her own (you can claim widow(er) share.) Someone said she might lose it, but another corrected that because after 10 years of marriage, you are entitled to it UNLESS you remarry. In OPs case, she could file for it after his death in either case (remains married to him or divorces, unless she marries someone else.)
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You need to take care of YOU! He did you wrong by cheating on you with someone els and now he's sick?!?! He got what he deserved!
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I don't think your husband deserved for this to happen to him. Nobody does. But, If you don't want to take care of him, especially after he didn't care enough to do the same for you, then don't. Try to find a caretaker and make sure he will be ok, then leave. You certainly have the right.
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My dear, what are you waiting for ? Are you kidding ? Get on with your life. He doesn't deserve you.
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