I'm constantly sad because of my dying father and I don't know how to lift my spirits. Any advice?

You're experiencing life, and no, you don't take pills or read daily affirmations to get over life. You learn to live life.

It happens to all of us -- the beginning of life, the middle where you are, and the end where your dad is. We are all born, and we all die. Those who are left behind are saddened by it, but life continues.

No one's life is upbeat and happy all the time. There are ups and there are downs, and some ups are way up, and some downs are way down. This is one of those times, and you need to continue to live through it and you WILL live through it.

You need to stop looking for a cure for a natural feeling, accept that you'll be sad, and embrace the literal circle of life.

I am 80, and so you will know that I have had more than a few losses now. Most recently I lost my beloved brother. We were extremely close.
What helped me was helping HIM while he was alive, laughing together, supporting one another.
What helped me after he was gone was keeping a book in which I wrote to him (we had always written one another long long letter when we weren't living in the same town. I told him all the things I missed, how sad I was, how appreciative I was, all the wonderful things I remembered, what I saw that day that reminded me of him, and I decorated it all up with collage. I did this for approximately a year, and then I felt the sadness lessening, almost as though he were letting me go and moving on, or I was able to let him go from me.
Sadness is indeed a part of life.
A book I loved, short and easy read, was C.S. Lewis's book A Grief Observed, the book he wrote about the loss of his beloved wife. It has so much to say about grief and about love and about life, short tho it is. Mr. Lewis is quite a "believer" and I am more an atheist, but I found his book marvelously full with comfort.
I sure wish you luck. I am so happy you have a therapist. That will help to get you through.
As a nurse I am rather used to death, if you will, and I have always seen it as the natural progression, the end and a release from fear and pain, so I started out a bit on nodding terms with the Grim Reaper, if you will. I know that helped me. But there are many ways to find help. There are even grief groups, where you can get the guidance of others and at the least know you are not alone in this time.
Best out to you.

dear my aging father,

i’ve been through similar very sad feelings.

you are doing your absolute best.

it’s terrible that so many things, regarding health, are out of our hands.

love him with all your might.
i am, and everyone on this forum, is doing the same with their LOs.

cherish the moments.
he’s alive now!

create something beautiful:
—maybe make yourself the healthiest you’ve ever been!! this way something very positive came out of very sad days.
—maybe write something beautiful you’ll cherish later.
—create art, something good…so that there was a positive.

big, big, big hugs.

bundle of joy (at the moment sad myself)

Your feelings are normal. Nothing wrong with being sad about a parent approaching death. It's part of the grieving process.

It'd feel weird if you were super happy/bubbly right now. It's just part of the normal, human process. You are going to feel sad. You're doing things correctly by treating yourself to a candy now & then, working out, etc. Going for walks often helps.

Your mind is super focused on this one problem. It won't last forever. You'll get through it. You are being normal.
It's good to read things that inspire you. However, inspirational quotes can be very annoying sometimes when you're feeling down.

How about watching an occasional funny animal video, or cute kid video on FB or You Tube. Try to find something to make you smile for a few minutes. Watch a funny old TV show you enjoyed in your childhood on You Tube or stream it. You deserve a bit of happiness and joy in your life, especially now when you're dealing with so much stress and sadness. If you have any pets, they're always a big help. Just a few minutes of joy a day will make a great difference in your life right now.

You are grieving. What you are experiencing is NORMAL and sort of to be expected. You can not be going through what you are and not to be effected by the realization that your dad is dying. And it and what happens now is totally out of your control. And as humans we want to be in some semblance of control. And we also do not like change and you are experiencing change.
What you can do is hold your dad's hand.
Tell him that you love him. (even if he can not hear you he can see it in your eyes, your smile and even through your tears)
Thank him. Thank him for being the parent that he has been. Obviously he was a good dad or you would not be feeling the way you are. (and not everyone is that lucky, just read some of the posts on this site)
Tell him you will miss him but that you will be alright. And you will be. It may take time, it will always hurt but it will go from a sharp hurt to a dull ache in time. It's like when you get a deep cut that needs stitches. You heal but there is a scar, for a while the scar is red and can sometimes hurt but that fades and you are left with a scar that most of the time you do not notice but once in a while you get a glimpse of it and you remember the hurt.
The "medication" is TIME. And MEMORIES.
Talk to people and family about things you did, where you went, things he did, favorite foods. Keeping the memories alive are important.
I Volunteer with a Veterans group and there is a saying.
"A soldier dies twice: Once wherever he takes his last breath; and he dies again when he's forgotten." It is the same with any loved one. Keep his name alive and he will always be with you.
((hugs))

Just be sad. Don't fight the feelings. I was super sad when I went through this with my mom. I knew I'd stay sad so I just let myself be that way.

One thing that helped was my faith and knowing my mom was a woman of strong faith as well. I knew she was escaping a sick, frail state of being and that helped.

Allow your mind to go where it goes. Pray if you are a person of faith. I wish you all the best.

Humans don't like to process emotions, so we try to avoid them, thinking they'll kill us or harm us irreparably. We overeat to squash those emotions; we drink too much, use drugs, smoke, or try to find a prescription to wash away the blues. What winds up killing us is not the human emotions we feel but the substances we use to kill OFF those human emotions we're intended to feel and go through as part of life! I wound up eating, drinking & smoking my way through the traumatic events of my life instead of learning better coping mechanisms, and wound up fat & unhealthy as a result. But the problems I was running away from were still there, at the end of the cigarette, or the cake, or the glass of wine! PLUS the extra trouble I added onto the original problem by trying to escape it. The human condition is such that it's meant to be fraught with pain & sadness, and that's the truth of the matter in a nutshell. The only way OUT of something is THROUGH it, allowing ourselves to process and to feel whatever emotion it is that's trying to come through.

What I did learn decades ago, however, was to greatly reduce my fear of death. By doing that, I made it easier to live my LIFE and to accept the fact that death happens to people I love (including myself) and that I could accept it more easily rather than fight it so furiously. I found acceptance through reading a lot (a LOT) of books about near death experiences. Two of my all time favorites are Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife by Dr. Eben Alexander. And the other one is To Heaven and Back: A Doctor's Extraordinary Account of Her Death, Heaven, Angels, and Life Again: A True Story, by Mary Neal, M.D. Both books were heart-warming and amazing accounts that may also help you to release some of the fear & sadness you have about losing your dad. You can find them on Amazon or used on eBay.

I lost both of my parents so I know how difficult it can be to witness the end of life process. There's not much you can 'do' except to sit with your dad and hold his hand, remind him of how much you love him, and how important he's been to you, and how big a stamp he's left on this Earth. Tell him it's okay to let go when he's nearing the end of this leg of his journey, and that you'll be fine, thanks to all he's taught you. That you are a strong woman because of him.

Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

It's normal to feel sad when somebody close to you dies. After he passes, you will be hit with a normal depression that may last a few months. Then you will gradually recover spontaneously. In some predisposed people, the depression may last longer than a few months and it will require treatment.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Anticipatory grief can be crippling, because at the same time you're grieving, you're taking care of your dear dad. I did my best to be positive and loving when I saw him as he was declining. Photo albums are great - memories of people, vacations, holidays. And music - my dad loved show tunes, so even when he was in the active dying phase, I sat by his bed playing Evita. Hold his hand. Tell him you love him. And go ahead and be sad. Having a therapist was the best thing I did - so glad you're doing the same. It's natural to be very sad during this time. I'm sending you hugs and pray that you find peace.

I am sorry for the grief you are experiencing. It's very difficult to watch someone you love decline. Here are some things to enjoy...you have time to have weekly trips to the spa!!! That is amazing in itself! How wonderful to have someone pamper you!! You have time for self-care by working out daily!!! Enjoy that time that's devoted to yourself. Enjoy that candy bar. You will be sad because you're in a sad situation. It's normal. Enjoy what you enjoy. That's all there is. Be grateful that you don't have to deal with being sad and doing the thousand things that involve caring for a declining loved one at home.

Of course you are sad, but it might help a little to remember "this journey is part of life." You might benefit from a grief suppprt group where people can share their stories and listen to each other. You need to truly experience sadness and grief to work through it. Trips and activities might be temporary distractions, but they will not get rid of your sadness. Grief and pain will remain inside you and actually build up if you just try to stomp them down. You have to feel them. It hurts. You will cry and be angry and feel despair and it will happen over and over again over time, but with time, the pain and sadness grow " softer" and dominate less of your life and become something that is PART of you but not ALL of you. Check with local churches or the Alzheimer's Association or even your doctor for possible Grief Support referrals.
In the meantime, give your father a kiss, smile, hold his hand . . .tell him he dod a good job raising you to be a loving daughter who will manage her life well. look for momentary joys to share. Don't worry if you are not having "normal," lengthy conversations. He will be comforted that you are there sharing space and time with him.

I understand how you feel, it’s someone your very close to and love. Someone you see a lot and have a very strong family bond. Rest assured, your love and devotion is appreciated either in gesture, nod, hug or a smile. I went through a similar situation with my Mom, now passed. He will pass to and you will move on, but with fond memories, this is all part of life. He will be with You in spirit and mind. You are a caring person, and You need to take care of you, because there’s only one of you!

Walking through the sadness of grief is hard and painful. As you have discovered, it starts before death. You will eventually get through this, but it takes time. See if you can find a GriefShare program near you. They will teach you how to process grief. Trying to avoid it or stuff it down will make you feel worse. I'm praying that God will put His arms of love around you and comfort you. ❤️

Charity work has helped me a lot.

Although I have made donations, the actually pitching in feels best.

Try doing something related to your Dad’s health, his interests or something he has taught you in life that has resonated and is important to you. What would he do if he was strong snd healthy enough to donate his time to help someone? Not all charity organizations are operating fully (with Covid-19 concerns), but other charities have been created from the pandemic itself. You can work with an organization or do something on your own.

You are right to recognize that candy bars aren’t the solution (lots of us have gained weight trying to extinguish our grief with food). All that does is give you another reason to feel sad. You have a great doctor -so many are ready to write too many prescriptions. Your pain is caused by your deep love for your dad - blunting it with medication also will not solve anything and may lead to health problems for you.

Remember, no matter how tough things feel, your dad wants you to continue your life and be happy.

I think to share the sadness is a good thing to talk about with others. We all experience it at times. If people can't manage it, talk to the next person. If your father can speak, I would share with him how sad you are about his difficult time. He might want to talk about it himself. Don't try to carry it alone. I think a grief group at a church might be helpful. Talk is healing.

Perhaps you can put a smile on Dads face by hooking him up to headphones and playing his kind of music? Or going through some old picture albums with him? You can write him a long letter of love too. When you lift his spirits, you will lift yours too, knowing you made him smile.
You are grieving many things, how things were, and how things are, and how things will be. Your sadness is warranted and completely normal. The only thing you CAN do is try to make your time with him memorable in a good way.
I think it's more helpful to talk it out with anyone who will listen. Your therapist, a co-worker, a friend, a grief support group, even those not close to you. You'd be surprised at the support and comfort you may find from the most unexpected people. Processing your feelings with your therapist, friends, journaling, support groups can help with your deep feelings of loss and isolation. If you are religious or spiritual, lean into it even more. One day at a time. I wish you comfort, love, and a brighter future.

Three years on from being in your position, I will tell you two things that I remember most and that gave me comfort. One is remembering holding my dad's hand. That is one of the greatest losses, never being able to have that touch again. So just hold his hand -- it will be good for both of you. Maybe you could put nice-smelling lotion on his hands.

The second thing I remember are some light conversations we had when he was agitated and feeling bad. I found it reduced stress for both of us to continue to involve him in life activities to the extent he was capable. I told him that I needed to go to a certain town and needed directions (even though I didn't) -- it gave him a task to focus on and allowed him to be my helpful dad again. You might say you're thinking about getting a new car, lawnmower, or whatever, and ask his advice. You could bring a stack of birthday cards and ask for his help in picking out the right one for a relative with a birthday coming up. Anything, really, that lets him be him and gives you both something to focus on together. Even if he can't contribute much to the conversation, the "task" can be helpful. You might find that when you go home after a visit you feel a bit better too. Good luck to you.

I lost my mom, husband, dad and a very close friend all in a few years so I’ve walked the deep valley of grief. Going to GriefShare helped me a lot. It’s an excellent program. Another thing I have done is to carry on as best I can, in my own being, the parts of me that reflect my loved ones. My mothers cooking, her artistic talents, my dad’s love of gardening. These are gifts I inherited from them and I am trying to pass along a love for them to my sons and granddaughters. My sons and I are carrying on everything my husband taught us about our family business and we are trying to grow that and make it better than it was before. I am redecorating my house and making each room a tribute to things my husband and I loved. I have art he used to have in his office as well as his woodcarvings and some of my moms oil paintings on display. I’ve made the den into a family history room with old photos of our ancestors and all the generations on the walls as well as some furniture that was in my dad’s family and other old antiques that were passed along to me. So doing this is bringing me comfort and keeping their memories alive. It is very sad then they leave us but we can do things to keep their memories alive.

If this hasn't already been mentioned, talk to the social worker at the nursing facility (if there is a social workder). S/he may be able to make recommendations about grief counseling or grief groups. Talking with people who are in similar circumstances can help ease the pain. If your father is on hospice, they can also make recommendations.

I purchased a book “GRIEF DAY BY DAY” by Jan Warner on Kindle. It has helped me tremendously. I bought it shortly before my best and closest friend of well over 45 years passed away. I was able to spend a week with her saying goodbye. We were able to hug & love but it was sooo hard. I lost my dad (at 100) and my mom (at 96) within 18 months of each other. My dad was a shock, he was great at 10:30 pm awaiting surgery for a block bowl (long story) doc had elected to wait from Friday to Monday morning because he, the Dr., had plans for the weekend & wouldn’t do the surgery. Dad was an active (dancing, pool playing, living alone, church going) to unresponsive & in God’s arms in 4 hours. He acquired septicemia. Mom on the other hand, lingered for 5 months. I spent that time with her & cried every night. It broke my heart to see her slipping away. I learned a lot. Treasure your time with them. It’s the most precious thing you have. Read to him, or just sit & hold his hand, like others have suggested play his favorite music, or watch TV with him. I know when it’s to talk to him because of hearing but write notes & encourage him to talk about his childhood. Enjoy your time with him. Try to remember to tell yourself, this is the last time you’ll have to be with him, take advantage of it. You’ll never have this chance again.
Does your dad know his time is near? If so have you discussed his desires? Have you told him you’re sad he’s going? If not let him know, be open it will help.
If you have a church you attend, or even if you don’t even if you don’t find one where you feel comfortable and the pastor/minister/priest can help
Good luck, you will get thru this. It will get better.

My heart goes out to you, MyAgingFather.

Maybe try to focus on one day at a time instead of what's in store for the future?
Enjoy this time with your dad as much as you can. Enjoy and relish the little things like him recognizing you and giving you a smile. These are things you will remember.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I understand completely.

Grief support.........you are already grieving, so don't wait to go after his passing. Private therapy and Mindful Meditation are other options, too.

Grief and depression are not the same afflictions. Google it, you might gain some new perspectives. Best to start preparing for the next chapter of your life.

It’s an extremely difficult situation. I’m in the same boat with my husband and my daughters as well feel like you do. What I do is keep telling myself I’m so fortunate to be able to go see him, hold his hand, kiss him and say I love you .DONT wast this time grieving what hasn’t happened “ yet”. You will have plenty of time later. Enjoy every minute you still have with him here. Sending love and hugs to you. This is not easy and be proud of how much you love him and have cared for him. 🥰💜💐🌈

Bless you. You're not alone. It sounds like you're experiencing "anticipatory grief". It's so so hard and sad to watch our parent/LO slowly decline and pass away. I'm watching my own mother at 95 years old go through the same thing and some days my heart aches terribly.

I wish that there was some way to avoid grief and sadness, but there just isn't. We have to wade through it, but staying busy like you're doing is going be the most help - that and prayer. Blessings.

What instantly comes to mind is to keep trying to remember that EVERYONE, and I mean everyone in the world is going to pass away one day, you as well. So the time that's left is what's important. Accepting the fact that Jesus is Gods son and communicating that reality with you're parent is everything. This becomes a much easier topic to discuss with someone, or when you are alone, when you realize you will see someone for an eternity not just in the here and now. Just a smile and a nod from him will help you feel better and give you something to hope for in the future.
That, is the most important way you can feel better. When my own mother was dying I asked her "don't you want to see Jesus?" and I cringed waiting for her answer. You would be surprised how people are reflective at times. No matter the response it opens up a door to focus on the truth. It may not seem like it matters today, but the biggest regret in life will be avoided. God Bless You and you're loved ones.

I feel numb and sad. It feels like the entire world is out, enjoying life. But I don’t have the happiness and joy as they do. Why? Because I’m watching my love one slowly leave this world. But I remember that this is temporary, a season, one that no one will escape. And then when I turn on the tv and see the bleakness and meanness of this world, I think to myself, my love one won’t have to endure this much longer. Sigh.

A year ago I would never have thought I would be taking my father to neverending oxygen treatments, pushing him in a wheelchair, or helping him put on pants or socks over his decaying, gangrenous feet.
I am not caretaker material at all. I am impatient. I hate this. We never got along. I would have scoffed at the thought a year ago
But, I now see how hard this now old frail man worked, how many family trips he took us on, how many cruises and fancy dinners we had, and not one time did I ever hear him complain about what he had to do to provide us all that. Not once.
Be proud of your love for your dad, be uplifted that you're there to care for him for all that he could do.
Seeing my parents age and frail is destroying me, but my hope is they brought up good kids and will be there for them no matter what happens.
Be uplifted. Also be kind to yourself as your dad was to you when you hurt.
Simon

MyAgingFather: Perhaps you can locate a support group.

There’s really nothing you can do to lift your spirits because it’s natural to feel sadness when you’re about to lose a loved one. When my Dad was very sick & needing blood transfusions in hospital many years ago, my mother was my strength. I went to work & my coworkers were very kind and caring. There was no way to feel anything other than sadness & despair because there was no cure for what he had & he didn’t deserve to suffer or die like that. Stem cell therapy was discovered after he passed away. Now my soon to be 95 year old mother with dementia don’t walk, is incontinent, agitation..caring for her at home. Such a struggle now just to change her diaper. If I could see ahead to know what I’d have to endure with my parents, I’d never thought I’d survive. But maybe these tragedies make you stronger. I don’t know how I survive, but maybe G-d holds me up, too…for sure. At the same time as caring for Mom I’ve had emergency repairs for house…just a couple weeks ago…hot water heater konked out …flooded boiler room & next room…& then damaged boiler! I thought I’d have stroke & heart attack. But it was fixed & my mother & I survived once more….
I feel for you & wish you the best,
Hugs 🤗

You’re experiencing anticipatory grief, which comes when you know you are grieving your loved one but they are still alive. What you are going through is normal for losing a loved one you care about. Don’t hold the tears at arms length. Cry when you need to. Sometimes the tears pop up at the weirdest time or place. Is there anyone close to you who you can be your real self and witness your grief and come you?

Affirmations are pretty useless right now. Don’t push the grief away. Go through it. As you mentioned, nothing is working to make it go away. Recognize and experience your grief now. Not doing so could pile on grief with the loss of another dear one later on.

My niece and I have been experiencing anticipatory grief for nearly two years since my brother started showing symptoms and then was diagnosed with brain cancer. We don’t fight the sadness and tears, but let them come through. They will depart shortly until the next wave. Find a grief counselor or a grief support group to help you process your grief. Best wishes.