I'm at my wits end...Advice on how to structure caregiving?

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Venting...I'm going to start at the top, because if I'm going to vent I might as well do it right. When my mom fell 2 years ago, she was walking with a walker. I was her caregiver then. When se tripped and fell everything changed. She messed up more nerves in her body and had to get surgery. I've been with my mom every step of the way. We had to move into a more mobile apartment that supported a wheelchair. Without going on and on, I've been with my mom throughout everything. I know her medicines better than I know things about myself. I've been there with her at the hospitals, doctors appointments, everything. Even before 2 years ago. More like 10 since my dad passed away. I moved us after she fell. She doesn't like the new place. She doesn't like anything. It's been 2 years and still I haven't had the mental energy to unpack everything. This places still doesn't feel like home. I TRY to get the energy to do it, then I have to listen to her drone on about where something is, about what I did with her things, about how she used to have something. I get it. She's scared. She's lost her sense of independence. Her mobility. She lost her life basically, without being melodramatic. But all I do is help her. It's my life. She doesn't get it. Finances are crazy. I end up paying for her things out of the money I make working from home. It's never enough. Insurance doesn't cover insulin, needles and her pain medication. When I'm done paying for her things I have barely any money left for myself. For food. For anything. Everything is a struggle and her attitude is making it worse. I can never do anything right. Someone hit the car, it's her car, but I drive it since she cannot. She can't even get in the car anymore. We order transporation when we need to go somewhere. Her insurance covers some of that. And we've found other transporation services. But back to the car... it was hit. I had to pay the deductible this month to get it fixed. But I didn't do that right apparently. The rental car I got, I didn't do that right either. NOTHING is ever right. Things have to change. It's either she needs to go to a nursing home or something needs to give. We need more structure. It needs to be more like a caregiver/patient relationship than a caregiver/mother/daughter/whatever thing we have going on. I no longer want to pay for things she needs. I need help. I need advice on how to structure this better so we're both not going crazy. We need to draw lines. How do I do this? I need advice, please!!!! I felt like I just rambled. I hope you guys can hear what I'm asking clear enough.

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Start by getting a " needs assessment" through your local Area Agency on Aging. Finds what mom's need for care is and what services she qualifies for.

Next, take your mom to a geriatric psychiatrist and get her treatment for her depression and agitation.

Then find yourself a counselor or therapist who can help you learn to say no to your mom's unreasonable demands.
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Good suggestions above. In addition, you need to put some steel rods into your backbone and decide where you're going to draw the line. When you do, practice saying, "I'm very sorry Mom, I can't possibly do that." Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Also get a bluetooth earpiece and listen to uplifting music while dealing with Mom so that you can ignore her as much as possible.
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Pacifist, start by making an appointment with an eldercare attorney familiar with Medicaid. If the issue is that mom has too much income for Community Medicaid, a qualified income trust can usually be set up. Please look into that.

Cymbals is one antidepressant. She may need a different med, an additional one, but a geriatric psychiatrist should be a good source of prescribing. Do you tell her doctors about her behavior, or is she putting on a show for them?
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"had to give up some of her insurance to get transportation". Huh? What does that mean? You don't know what kind of Medicare she has? Who is running the show?

You shouldn't be paying for her meds unless you know exactly what is covered and what isn't.

Have you ever had a consult with an eldercare attorney to get all of her financial issues straightened out?

You don't mention how old your mom is. Does she have cognitive issues? Talk therapy is not particularly effective when someone has lost their problem solving skills.
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You could hire a geriatric care manager, but they are not cheap. Sounds like your mom may have a narcissistic streak - while you are doing what they want, they can be charming, but when they are not happy - watch out.
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I could have written that, except it's my father. I do everything for him and I am always looking for ways to make things better to promote independence, to decrease his chance of falls, to keep his mind and body moving, food to buy or make that is healthy that he will eat, etc. He gives me $1000/month and that includes everything (a home, utilities, a cell phone, cable, clothes, food, caregivers, medications and copays, and whatever he wants) which a lot comes out of what I earn. Those things are not the problems. What is so difficult is that he is dissatisfied no matter what I do. He used to be so sweet, and he still is in public, but is never appreciative, never says thank you, questions everything I do, accuses me of taking his money...you know the story.

And the very worst part is the guilt I feel for losing my patience, for yelling, for saying things that are not nice. I do everything wrong that I read about when it comes to communicating with him. It's not his fault. I hate feeling guilty.

I don't resent him for taking over any social life, hobbies, dating, vacations, etc. I really don't. It's the loneliness that I feel. It's the loss of the relationship I had with my dad, it's the exhaustion from physically and mentally caring for him.

I don't have a solution for you. I'm on here looking for one as well. Dad has a geriatric psychiatrist, but medications may be helping, it's hard to tell, but it seems that the problem is always me. I have a therapist, and it may help me, but not the dynamics that have evolved between me and my dad.

Good luck! Prayers and good juju being sent.
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Don't ask her if she wants to go to a therapist. Ask her if she wants to go to someone to talk about her pain and how miserable she is.

What kind of insurance does she have that doesn't cover insulin?! Are you in the US? Apparently she doesn't have Medicare part D, huh? Why not?

Why isn't she on Medicaid? You should NOT be using your own money to support her. Who is going to support you when you are that age?

Being in pain all the time is unbelievably disabling. That is the biggest medical problem I'd work on.

Start with a needs assessment. Once you know what she needs and what is available, you can structure the situation more effectively.

Good luck ... hand in there!
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Thanks everyone for your comments, sorry it took so long to get back to you.

I had a therapist for a while, but then I stopped going. It was actually a good thing to go and vent to her and come up with personal goals for myself. I had created a social life for myself as well. But it just seems like I reverted back to the misery again.

My mom always seems in good spirits despite her condition. She is bedridden and for the most part she deals with it the best she can. I can only get her out of bed so often and it's a chore to do so, even with a Hoyer lift.

The thing with my mom is that things are alright for a while, until they're not. She's fine with her things I do, until she's not. She acts very kind and nice toward me, and then she doesn't. She says one thing but means another. This is why I just don't do various things because I know that she'll just say that it's not right when I do do them. Then she gets mad at me for not doing it.

It's just hard. She doesn't seem to care what it's like for me. EVERYTHING is about her. Blah.

Thanks all for the advice. The bluetooth earpiece is a great idea... mostly for when she is moaning in pain. I sympathize with her BIG TIME. I can't imagine what it would be like to be constantly in pain, but i cannot stand the sound of her moaning. She tells me to close her bedroom door, but I can't do that! i feel bad, closing her door. So I go in my room and close the door, but that doesn't help. So I listen to music, but it's like I can hear the moaning under the music. Sometimes I wonder if it's even her or just my imagination creating the moaning sound. It makes me feel so anxious and insane. I say "Mom, what can I do to help you? Please?!"... she gets mad at me for asking. I feel like I want to crawl under a rock.

omg, I've just rambled on so much. lol. I'll stop. Sigh...

Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for the advice!
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Pain medication should not be very expensive and i thought diabetic supplies were covered by medicare.
Get a medication formulary from one of the big cheap pharmacies or big box stores with a pharmacy. It will list all the drugs that they sell cheaply. I don't know how expensive Cymbaleer is but something like Zoloft is usually less than $10 a month. so every time a Dr suggests another medication, see if it is on the formulary, check the price and ask the Dr if something cheaper can be substituted. or example a blood thinner like Eliquis is about $400 a month whereas Warfarin is pennies a day. Yes there are blood tests but Medicare should cover them. My own insurance with medicare has premiums that range from $155 a month down to zero. There is no difference in service just higher co-pays. Your eldercare office may have a social worker who can look for the best option for your Mom.
If her money does not cover all of her expences does she have some left over that she spends frivolously.It certainly sounds as though she should qualify for some extra help.
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There is also the option of a state appointed guardian. This would allow you to regain your position as loving daughter as you will no longer be the one responsible/blamable for everything that is wrong. Someone else can be the bad guy, and that would help you so much.
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