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Venting...I'm going to start at the top, because if I'm going to vent I might as well do it right. When my mom fell 2 years ago, she was walking with a walker. I was her caregiver then. When se tripped and fell everything changed. She messed up more nerves in her body and had to get surgery. I've been with my mom every step of the way. We had to move into a more mobile apartment that supported a wheelchair. Without going on and on, I've been with my mom throughout everything. I know her medicines better than I know things about myself. I've been there with her at the hospitals, doctors appointments, everything. Even before 2 years ago. More like 10 since my dad passed away. I moved us after she fell. She doesn't like the new place. She doesn't like anything. It's been 2 years and still I haven't had the mental energy to unpack everything. This places still doesn't feel like home. I TRY to get the energy to do it, then I have to listen to her drone on about where something is, about what I did with her things, about how she used to have something. I get it. She's scared. She's lost her sense of independence. Her mobility. She lost her life basically, without being melodramatic. But all I do is help her. It's my life. She doesn't get it. Finances are crazy. I end up paying for her things out of the money I make working from home. It's never enough. Insurance doesn't cover insulin, needles and her pain medication. When I'm done paying for her things I have barely any money left for myself. For food. For anything. Everything is a struggle and her attitude is making it worse. I can never do anything right. Someone hit the car, it's her car, but I drive it since she cannot. She can't even get in the car anymore. We order transporation when we need to go somewhere. Her insurance covers some of that. And we've found other transporation services. But back to the car... it was hit. I had to pay the deductible this month to get it fixed. But I didn't do that right apparently. The rental car I got, I didn't do that right either. NOTHING is ever right. Things have to change. It's either she needs to go to a nursing home or something needs to give. We need more structure. It needs to be more like a caregiver/patient relationship than a caregiver/mother/daughter/whatever thing we have going on. I no longer want to pay for things she needs. I need help. I need advice on how to structure this better so we're both not going crazy. We need to draw lines. How do I do this? I need advice, please!!!! I felt like I just rambled. I hope you guys can hear what I'm asking clear enough.

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Start by getting a " needs assessment" through your local Area Agency on Aging. Finds what mom's need for care is and what services she qualifies for.

Next, take your mom to a geriatric psychiatrist and get her treatment for her depression and agitation.

Then find yourself a counselor or therapist who can help you learn to say no to your mom's unreasonable demands.
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I hope Barb's advice about a geriatric psych helps, but many on here have/had issues with the parent/child/caretaker relationship. It's a hard one that I struggled with too.
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I could have written that, except it's my father. I do everything for him and I am always looking for ways to make things better to promote independence, to decrease his chance of falls, to keep his mind and body moving, food to buy or make that is healthy that he will eat, etc. He gives me $1000/month and that includes everything (a home, utilities, a cell phone, cable, clothes, food, caregivers, medications and copays, and whatever he wants) which a lot comes out of what I earn. Those things are not the problems. What is so difficult is that he is dissatisfied no matter what I do. He used to be so sweet, and he still is in public, but is never appreciative, never says thank you, questions everything I do, accuses me of taking his money...you know the story.

And the very worst part is the guilt I feel for losing my patience, for yelling, for saying things that are not nice. I do everything wrong that I read about when it comes to communicating with him. It's not his fault. I hate feeling guilty.

I don't resent him for taking over any social life, hobbies, dating, vacations, etc. I really don't. It's the loneliness that I feel. It's the loss of the relationship I had with my dad, it's the exhaustion from physically and mentally caring for him.

I don't have a solution for you. I'm on here looking for one as well. Dad has a geriatric psychiatrist, but medications may be helping, it's hard to tell, but it seems that the problem is always me. I have a therapist, and it may help me, but not the dynamics that have evolved between me and my dad.

Good luck! Prayers and good juju being sent.
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Good suggestions above. In addition, you need to put some steel rods into your backbone and decide where you're going to draw the line. When you do, practice saying, "I'm very sorry Mom, I can't possibly do that." Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Also get a bluetooth earpiece and listen to uplifting music while dealing with Mom so that you can ignore her as much as possible.
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Thanks everyone for your comments, sorry it took so long to get back to you.

I had a therapist for a while, but then I stopped going. It was actually a good thing to go and vent to her and come up with personal goals for myself. I had created a social life for myself as well. But it just seems like I reverted back to the misery again.

My mom always seems in good spirits despite her condition. She is bedridden and for the most part she deals with it the best she can. I can only get her out of bed so often and it's a chore to do so, even with a Hoyer lift.

The thing with my mom is that things are alright for a while, until they're not. She's fine with her things I do, until she's not. She acts very kind and nice toward me, and then she doesn't. She says one thing but means another. This is why I just don't do various things because I know that she'll just say that it's not right when I do do them. Then she gets mad at me for not doing it.

It's just hard. She doesn't seem to care what it's like for me. EVERYTHING is about her. Blah.

Thanks all for the advice. The bluetooth earpiece is a great idea... mostly for when she is moaning in pain. I sympathize with her BIG TIME. I can't imagine what it would be like to be constantly in pain, but i cannot stand the sound of her moaning. She tells me to close her bedroom door, but I can't do that! i feel bad, closing her door. So I go in my room and close the door, but that doesn't help. So I listen to music, but it's like I can hear the moaning under the music. Sometimes I wonder if it's even her or just my imagination creating the moaning sound. It makes me feel so anxious and insane. I say "Mom, what can I do to help you? Please?!"... she gets mad at me for asking. I feel like I want to crawl under a rock.

omg, I've just rambled on so much. lol. I'll stop. Sigh...

Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for the advice!
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Also, I keep imagining asking her if she wants to see a therapist. I doubt she will. But I'll get up the courage to ask that.
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Don't ask her if she wants to go to a therapist. Ask her if she wants to go to someone to talk about her pain and how miserable she is.

What kind of insurance does she have that doesn't cover insulin?! Are you in the US? Apparently she doesn't have Medicare part D, huh? Why not?

Why isn't she on Medicaid? You should NOT be using your own money to support her. Who is going to support you when you are that age?

Being in pain all the time is unbelievably disabling. That is the biggest medical problem I'd work on.

Start with a needs assessment. Once you know what she needs and what is available, you can structure the situation more effectively.

Good luck ... hand in there!
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TBH, I'm not sure what part of Medicare she has. I know that we had to sacrifice part of her insurance in order for her to get transportation. Her insurance covers her medicine, everything but pain medication and insulin. I mean to say is, she has a co-pay. A hefty co-pay. Everything totals about $300. Oh yeah, I forgot. Her depression medicine isn't covered either.

She sees her primary physician and a pain management doctor. She's still in pain and still depressed though.

I agree that I shouldn't be covering her medicine. I'm fed up with it, tbh. I'm so done. I have to find a way out of this. The thing is, she wants me to make money appear out of thin air. I tell her "Mom, do you know how much money you get? It's not much" and when I want to go over the bills with her, so she can see how everything is allocated, she doesn't want to. Then gets mad at me for not having enough money for everything at the end of the day. She says "When we lived in the other house I had money for everything" ... We had to move because that place had steps. I'm supposed to roll her up and down stairs? Right. This has been non-stop since she fell.

And thanks. I will ask her is she wants to talk to anyone about being in pain and her misery. I think the last time she talked with a psychiatrist was when she was in the hospital for 3 months - that was about 15 years ago when she got a bad staph infection in her back. She seemed to like talking to someone then.
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She doesn't qualify for medicaid. She makes too much money. Well... I mean, it's over the limit at least. It's not "too much" lol
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She tells the doctor she's depressed and he throws Cymbalta at her. Without asking if she needs someone to talk to. I do think that's wrong.
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Pacifist, start by making an appointment with an eldercare attorney familiar with Medicaid. If the issue is that mom has too much income for Community Medicaid, a qualified income trust can usually be set up. Please look into that.

Cymbals is one antidepressant. She may need a different med, an additional one, but a geriatric psychiatrist should be a good source of prescribing. Do you tell her doctors about her behavior, or is she putting on a show for them?
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"had to give up some of her insurance to get transportation". Huh? What does that mean? You don't know what kind of Medicare she has? Who is running the show?

You shouldn't be paying for her meds unless you know exactly what is covered and what isn't.

Have you ever had a consult with an eldercare attorney to get all of her financial issues straightened out?

You don't mention how old your mom is. Does she have cognitive issues? Talk therapy is not particularly effective when someone has lost their problem solving skills.
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Pain medication should not be very expensive and i thought diabetic supplies were covered by medicare.
Get a medication formulary from one of the big cheap pharmacies or big box stores with a pharmacy. It will list all the drugs that they sell cheaply. I don't know how expensive Cymbaleer is but something like Zoloft is usually less than $10 a month. so every time a Dr suggests another medication, see if it is on the formulary, check the price and ask the Dr if something cheaper can be substituted. or example a blood thinner like Eliquis is about $400 a month whereas Warfarin is pennies a day. Yes there are blood tests but Medicare should cover them. My own insurance with medicare has premiums that range from $155 a month down to zero. There is no difference in service just higher co-pays. Your eldercare office may have a social worker who can look for the best option for your Mom.
If her money does not cover all of her expences does she have some left over that she spends frivolously.It certainly sounds as though she should qualify for some extra help.
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There is also the option of a state appointed guardian. This would allow you to regain your position as loving daughter as you will no longer be the one responsible/blamable for everything that is wrong. Someone else can be the bad guy, and that would help you so much.
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You could hire a geriatric care manager, but they are not cheap. Sounds like your mom may have a narcissistic streak - while you are doing what they want, they can be charming, but when they are not happy - watch out.
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Veronica91... Brand name drugs like Cymbalta are expensive. This is because the drug manufacturer has a patent that’s good for seven years, so no other company is allowed to make generic ‘cymbalta’.

The doctor, if made aware that money is tight, could prescribe an alternative that is equally effective. Cymbalta is given many times for fibromyalgia, which is considered a psychological pain ailment. If depression is your mom’s ailment I’d think there are a few alternatives to Cymbalta. As to her pain med, you don’t say what it is but probably it’s the same situation, a new drug that’s
Patented. The big pharma gang make a fortune this way. But a request to the doctor could solve this money expense.
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"Who is running the show?"

Good question. I am. But I suck at it, tbh. We are stuck in a mother/daughter thing, where my mom screams for independence and I try to give it to her, so sometimes she handles the business end of things. There is nothing wrong with her mind. She's 72 years old. Although, since she has been bedridden and has so many medical problems, so she's not as sharp as she used to be, but still sharp enough where I give her reign sometimes.

Part of me is thoroughly annoyed at the idea of myself controlling *everything*. Even though that's the way I know it should be. I step in for things that she truly cannot do for herself.

I know this all needs to change which is why I'm asking for help. Because things are not right. I'd rather be her caregiver, someone that comes in and takes charge of things and then that's that. But not someone that takes comes in and takes charge of things... and is also responsible for all the bad things that happen. Which is probably why I don't do my job thoroughly enough because I'm not invested the way I should be and I know that everything, at the end of the day, will be my fault.

____


There is so much great advice in this thread and I'll look into all of it. Thanks everyone!!
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Thepacifist - during the Medicare sign up period that just ended, for supplement and especially for Part D prescription coverage - do you know what plans your mother chose? You can go online to Medicare website and work with a program with lets you input your mother's drugs and then compare options offered by the insurance companies to get the best deal. Not perfect -if her health changes, then maybe medications would change, but I find it VERY helpful. Also, check into getting help with prescription costs. I found that help of various kinds is often available but you have to be proactive and go looking for it. For sure you should not be using your own money - you have needs and a future too.
As for the car and its related costs - why keep it if you cannot use it? Mom doesn't want to part with it? Well, TOUGH. I guess I'm not a real nice person, but I learned the hard way that in these situations you need to push back. You have the power here, you know, and you can use it. No moral problems with that.
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I have found resources that are available, but it was a lot of work. Nobody seemed to know anything, but there are resources out there. Where do you live? What state? Now that I have found out some of them and where to look, I might be able to guide you on where to look and who to ask. I know how hard it is to make things better sometimes. It sounds so much easier than it is. It's stress, exhaustion, depression, loneliness, guilt, frustration, love, obligation, and all sorts of feelings that don't even have words.
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