I'm at a loss with no direction or hope at this point. How can I care for my parents that live 1200 miles from me who refuse any help?

Honestly?

You can't do ANYTHING at this point to help. Mom refuses your offers and seems to want to live as she and dad choose.

And they have that right.

Sadly, you are in the situation that so many of us are in: aging parents who are stubborn, angry, sick, AND make terrible decisions.

I'd call once a week, keep it short and wait for the inevitable 'fall' that will happen that will force them to make changes.

Depressing? You bet, but you cannot force them to behave. I'm so sorry.

You can't.
The catastrophic event WILL come. You WILL get the call as so many of us have got "the call" from hospital. You will have to go. You will or will not have to act.
Meanwhile, Midkid is absolutely correct.
Give advice, give it once. And on you go with your own life not impacted overmuch until it IS.

You've tried everything you can think of.
It's been going on for about 13 years.
Those two statements contain all you need to think about. The other part is just added fluff and distraction. Soooo.....you stop. There's nothing you can do.

One phone call a week. Stop listening to what they have to say and start making it about YOU. "Mom, I got a promotion last week! I'm getting a new office and my own private rest room!" "Dad, I'm thinking of getting a new car. What do you think about the new Velico Volera XXI?" Keep it to 20 minutes and under. You can't deal with their medical issues because you're too far away. You're not interested in mom's potassium or even her pinky toe that hurts! You have suddenly turned into.....A NARCISSIST! You're THEM!

They won't like you much anymore, mom may cry and say you don't care, and actually you won't. You can start caring again when she gets out of the hospital after the inevitable fall on her head. You can care about that right now; look up rehab facilities and assisted livings in their area, memory care facilities and LT care homes. Because when they need one, you'll be ready to talk with their social workers about placement.

Don't take them in with you. Never never never. Don't move near to or in with them. Never never never. They have chosen their course. You're on the periphery, refusing to be sucked into a black hole of their making.

I hereby declare that it's officially over by making the statement, "There Is Nothing More You Can Do Period." Good luck to you.

Call APS and ask for a wellness check.

I agree with everyone here. You have tried everything and have been met with resistance. Nothing more you can do except go on with your life and wait for that call. I know how helpless you feel. Went through something similar with my aunt until I got so frustrated and realized I was making myself frustrated with trying to help someone who didn't want help. She only wanted things her way.
Step out of it.

Just sit back and wait, something will happen then you can spring.

My brother & had to wait 10 years to finally get our mother in AL, finally she had a slight stroke and was afraid to stay alone at night.

We moved here by us into AL, her is the kicker...she loves it...wished she had done this 10 years sooner....go figure.

Go about your life let the chips fall where they may.

Sounds like Mom may have dementia , which is common after a stroke .
I agree with the others , ( absent of calling APS) all you can do is wait for the disaster that lands one or both in the hospital ……
Sorry you are dealing with this . Many of us have , are , or will be in your shoes. I’m now on fourth relative that we are waiting for the big disaster .( Both my parents and hubby’s ( divorced ) parents refused to go to assisted living voluntarily .
Also do not take them in to live with you . Do not set them up in an apartment either , otherwise they will run you ragged . They need assisted living , possibly memory care for your Mom at some point .
They will most likely not make a move from their house voluntarily. It’s an overwhelming process that they can not execute.
Keep checking in here . Vent , ask more questions as this unfolds.
(((Hugs)))

OP, your profile says that your mother is 66 years old. Is your father a similar age, or is he considerably older? 66 is very young to be needing the sort of intervention you have been wanting to provide. Most people of that age certainly wouldn’t want an adult child taking a large role in organising their lives. Many people have ‘multiple health issues’ that are not serious enough to need a major intervention, just the odds and ends that come with the passing years.

Perhaps you could provide more information, because this is a bit hard to get my head around.

Your parents are old for their age. Sorry about that! Mine are/were too. My dad died at 73 from a stroke and wasn't in the best shape before that. Mom has a ton of issues, the biggest is dementia which she started with in her mid 70s. So, not nearly as young as yours but I do know how it is to have parents that have issues when they're relatively young.

Do your parents have all their legal affairs in order? POA? Will? Living will, etc.?

I would not put my energy into getting your parents moved near you.

Stop offering help. I guess when/if they complain about anything you can ask them what they think they can do about it.

Lots of great tips already given so I will just wish you the best of luck!

I would recommend that you stop 'trying to convince' your mother (or father) to do anything as it is not a strategy that is working. All it is doing is getting you more stressed out and frustrated. Clearly, this 'dance' has been going on for some time and as they age, the 'communication' and their decision-making (or lack thereof) will decline / get worse / more emotionally and psychologically intense for everyone concerned.

What I would consider doing:

Write this out in bullet points. Make it more official. And seeing this in 'black and white' is more formal and perhaps perceived as more serious.

1) Be clear on what your boundaries are before you write this letter or "contract of understanding") as once you write and send it, you need to stick to your guns / decision making;

2) Include what you feel is needed for them to decide to do and what you are willing to do - as you already said you would get / manage a realtor (good);

2) Give a BRIEF reason for your decisions (under each bullet point)

Mail it certified mail. Tell them you are writing / sending this and to call you after they receive it to discuss 'options' and 'where to go from here."

Then: You need to realize that you can only do so much and need to let it go. (See end).

Realize that they will not change. The only person that can is you in how you interact with them. If they do not want to make decisions in their best interest, as you feel is needed, then there is little you can do. And going there won't really help. You will only be fighting / arguing your point all the time with their resistance. No No No.

My sense is that you need to STOP all forms of 'help' until it gets 'so bad' that they will consider an alternative to their life / care decisions. As long as you are there 'cleaning up' their mess, they will continue to do as they do.

This is a difficult / heartfelt / hurtful time for you. These transitions are not easy.

You need to stop 'doing' X X X ... cleaning up after their poor decision making. Otherwise, they will continue to see you as there, abiding by their wishes and cleaning up their poor decision making.

IMPORTANT_________________

* Unless you can get medical / MD verification that they have a form of dementia and cannot care for themselves so you become their legal guardian, there is little you can do. However, with this said, I would get your name on as many financial documents as possible so you have some control of their finances / house.
- I recommend that you contact their medical providers and take that first step.

* Consider hiring a medical social worker to 'work' with your parents. The relationship is different from family. They may listen to her/him more or certainly differently than how they communicate with you. Don't ask them if they want ... just find one and ask that person to call them to make an appointment. She/he could say they could help with selling the house to get 'an in' - and talk to them.

Gena / Touch Matters

Hi D,
Just wanted to add a virtual hug as well!

You are a wonderful daughter - they are so lucky to have you! I agree with everything that’s been said here - you have gone above and beyond and getting no where. Please try to focus on your own mental & physical health!!

This is a great forum, I have learned so much from this group! I hope you check back soon!

You can call the nearest senior center/counsel on aging and ask to speak to a social worker. Describe the problems and if they send someone to their house and they get mad, i see two options 1) “i don’t know what you’re talking about” lie 2) mom/dad i love you, care about you and worry about you so i asked for help from professionals. I’m an only child too and i’ve had to make my parents mad on MANY occasions as their POA & HCP. It hurts but it’s tough love. I suspect you’re not dealing with your “real” parents by that i mean you’re dealing with people who are suffering mentally perhaps as a result of all the physical issues and are unable to do whats best.

I think you need to worry a hell of a lot less about them getting mad. Let them get mad. So what if they get mad? You are all they have so they won’t stay mad long if you are the only help. If they’re truly accepting no help .. quit offering it. Let them call you. You can see how important your presence is in their life by how often they call you if you are the one that usually does the calling. We tip toe on eggshells trying not to upset the parents but they do not care even a little that their refusing to be reasonable or discuss options is upsetting to us.

You are not in control, so stop trying. Don't try to move them into a house near you. You will only make their problems your problems. If they do decide to move, and it is their decision to make, it will be into assisted living near you. Not your home, not their own. They can no longer take care of a home, right?

If they ask for help moving call a senior relocation agent near them. They will be told what needs to be done and what they will pay people to do it. Simple. If they don't want to move you can't make them so don't even bring it up.

DMckay,

My parents also lived far from my sister and I and were also in need of in home care, which my mom refused. Mom had clear signs of dementia but could still fake it well enough to get by. Dad is blind and was drinking WAY too much. I believe they were both depressed. They had the money to do whatever they wanted but refused to acknowledge that they needed help. My sister and I had spent 3 years trying to get them to move into a senior community but my mom would have no part of it. No place was "nice" enough for them. I think they were just terrified to change their life style and acknowledge that they were unable to live without help. But the truth is the truth and ignoring it just makes you vulnerable to all kinds of potential catastrophes.

In March of last year my sister and I and our husbands tried an intervention. We flew to their state and tried to talk some sense into them. It went NOWHERE. We took them to see a senior community, my blind father was fine with it, he wanted to move in the next day. My mom flatly stated "This place is not for us." So my sister and I flew back home and the mess continued.

In an effort to get my mom diagnosed (she clearly had some form of dementia), I set up an appointment with a neurologist. When we arrived at their house there was a note on the door from a neighbor. My dad had fallen the night before and gone to the emergency room. My mom was found wandering the neighborhood by this neighbor and he had taken her to the emergency room to be with my dad. Long story short, the emergency room staff wanted my dad to go to a nursing home to rehabilitate. They knew that he and my mom were unsafe in their home alone. I agreed and he was transferred. My mom had one choice, go live with him in this nursing home. She signed herself in.

I have left out a lot but the main point I have is they were never going to give up their "independence" even though they were no longer independent. They were too scared. Are they happy? I think my dad is comfortable because he now has people around him to help him. He knew that things were bad but he was afraid to make the change. We talk weekly and I write to him. They were initially placed on the same ward so they could be together but they began to fight and they were separated. I think this is good for them but I let the NH decide what was best. My mom has continued to decline. She is much less anxious due to the drugs they prescribed but she is not the women I knew. She is in memory care and my dad is on a regular ward.

The honest answer to your question is that the world today does not have enough support for the elderly community. I tried all the suggested places to turn to for help. Lawyers, Social Services, doctors but frankly, no one wants to make the hard decisions and I was told more than once, they have the right to do what they want even if I thought it was dangerous. In your heart it sounds like you know that something bad is coming and you are trying your very best to make sure that it doesn't, but you do not have the power to stop that unless you give up your life for theirs. Please don't do that. People kept telling me, "something will happen and then you will be able to step in and make the changes they need." My dad fell and once he was in a NH, my mom had no choice but to go with him. She did not want to live without him and she could no longer live safely in their home without 24/7 care. Very expensive and extremely hard to find (I tried).

I'm so sorry that you are facing this. You cannot fix what is broken. They have had their lives and I think you know that the safest thing for them is a senior community (AL, MC, or NH) or in home care if your mom will accept it. Try to listen to your inner self and acknowledge your gut feelings. You love them, that is why you are trying. It's all you can do, but please know, you cannot fix what is broken.

I so wish you the very best. Life is hard.

Remember when you were a child and you refused help from your parents??? Paybacks are hell! :-)

In this forum, some people love me, and some people hate me because I often take a contrarian view of issues like this. You are welcome to choose - I might have the golden ticket, or maybe this advice is worth exactly what you paid for it, noting. I'd love to hear your response!

There is a saying that goes, "Whatever you resist persists." I would ask you to consider that you have been resisting your parent's desire for independence for thirteen long, upsetting, and emotional years. I would bet that if you got real with them and asked them how they want to die, they would both say, "In my home with my spouse holding my hand."

I'd bet you got your stubbornness from your parents! You're dug in; they are dug in. When the situation is stuck, someone has to give in - I suggest it be you.

If you can get your head around the idea that they aren't changing (can't teach an old dog new tricks), you may be able to begin to make a difference for them, and they might get their daughter back. Wouldn't it be nice for you to be their daughter, not their long-distance "handler" again? I bet they would love to know you are on their side, not against them.

It's a pretty simple conversation to have with them, and you can blame me. It goes like this:
"Mom, Dad, I talked with this really smart, handsome guy on the internet, and he made me see I've been trying to get you to do what I want you to do, not what you want to do for all these years. Now that I can see that, I want to apologize and promise you I am done with that nonsense. You should stay in your home and care for each other as long as you want. I will start trusting you more and stop interfering - even though I love you both so much! So, no more talk about selling the house or moving close to me. From now on, it's all about how to make your lives happier, healthier, and more independent. How does that sound?" And, Mom, I think I have some ideas on how you can make it a little easier to take care of Dad. And, Dad, I think I have some ideas on how you can make it a little easier for Mom to take care of you - and for you to take care of Mom. How does that sound?"

Next comes the hard part... SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!!. Really listen and see if miracles show up for the three of you! Love on them and let them love on you because now, you can make a difference for them. You can start conversations about everything from a Life Alert system, Amazon Alexa for seniors, meals or grocery delivery, concierge doctors, external nighttime catheters, and more. They will take some of your ideas and not others. Who cares? It's like when you were young, you took some of your parent's help and didn't accept other help. You probably scraped your knee, fell, and did naughty no-nos. You ended up okay. Give them the love, honor and respect of ending okay too!

Go to a therapist. Treat your anxiety. walk every day. Listen to music. Paint..work in the garden. Meditate. Eat a healthy diet. do kegals. Anything to help distract yourself. It will give you something new to talk about. Don’t call them to have them repeat all their woes. That’s not healthy or helping.

You need to break this cycle you are caught up in. You are behaving like your mother I want to gently suggest.

Pay attention to your genetics and your own health.

Your parents will quite possibly, most do, have an event that necessitates action. That will be when and if you can help.

You won’t be any good to anyone in an anxious worn out state trying to stop life from happening.

It is not that they couldn’t use some help but honestly they probably don’t trust you as you are so very anxious for them.

They probably feel they have enough on their plates without having to take care of you too.

Wishing you to feel better soon. Big hugs.

Dear DMMckay,
It's all so hard! Be gentle on yourself as you move forward.
I'm dealing with my elderly dad and Aunt, who have some dementia and are stubborn, making bad decisions. I've been forced to let go with it all, that's probably saved my health.
Good luck, you're not alone

Good Evening,

I have a different slant on this. When you have strokes and/or dementia your brain is broken.

I would get on a plane and show up on the scene. You can't take their word for how things really are.

Someone has to assess the situation immediately. If you have to stay at a hotel, get a social worker, contact the nurse case manager at the primary care docs, go on all portals and have a cleaning company on hand.

If there are Church people in the area; neighbors, etc. sometimes they can tell you what is really going on.

They need your help. When is the last time you actually saw them "in person". I know it's different today but the elderly need sometimes to have decisions made for them. They feel embarrassed and don't want to ask for help. We do have the responsibility to make sure are parents are not in harms way.

Has anyone opened the refrigerator door or taken their weight; check their hands for dehydration, had their hair cut, toe nails clipped. Are they on prescriptions. Are they getting fresh air. Are their finances in the black. Let's face it we all want to remain in our home but their bloodwork needs to be checked and monitored and the right nutrients in their system. If they decline you need to catch things before an emergency sets in.

I disagree with the home purchase. I think more of 5-tier Independent Living, Assisted Living, Short-rehab, etc. where as their medical needs change they can both be accommodated. The sale of their house could cover this. You can check in on them.

I know it's hard and it's even harder if you are an only child because you don't have someone to discuss decision-making. But, some hard decisions need to be made by you soon.

I will pray for you...

Not sure if you tried this yet; sounds like your Mom is the one refusing help and your father is going along.
When she ends up in the hospital next time talk to her Doctor and have her stay there or rehab for at least a week. That’s when you spring into action have the house cleaned and have a caregiver for your Dad. Have a heart to heart talk with your Dad. If they insist on staying in there home it’s nonnegotiable they will have a cleaner come in weekly and a caregiver a couple hours a day or every other day etc.. Have your Dad say he likes it and wants to continue have them both.
If they will not continue then it’s time to move into an AL apartment for the two of them and sell or rent there home.
When our parents get on in age we have to have there best interest and safety in mind, it’s hard but we have to be compassionate, loving and firm.

Talk to their doctors about mental competency. If neither of your parents are mentally competent, then you can get them to write "mentally incompetent" in their notes. You can then take over their care. However, both must be mentally incompetent for this to happen. If one parent is mentally competent, then he or she is responsible for his/her own decisions and making decisions for the spouse. In that case, plead and make plans with the mentally competent spouse.

Sounds like your Mother is in charge. Driving the bus so to speak.

Also sounds like some cognitive impairment going on, lack of insight, lack of planning. All quite common post stroke. Reasearch Vascular Dementia.

If you have authority to discuss their health with their primary Doctor, try to do that.

I'm afraid when people will not accept help, you are limited to what you can do.

Bascally, they won't let you drive the bus. Involve professionals at the next crash. (Eg ask for a Hospital Social Worker to get involved after the next fall & ER trip).

DMcKay123: Reach out to the Council on Aging in Cleveland, OH as follows: Western Reserve Area Agency on Aging
Senior Center 
1700 E 13th St, Cleveland, OH · (216) 621-0303

Speak to the elder care person in charge or the social worker. Start there.

Many adult children are left with the age old dilemma of what to do with the aged parents.

Do not wait for next accident…

call for elderly check up on parents..

do you have a credit card? Do you have any fund’s available for airfare?
or just drive. Find a hotel close by to make n pa’s home.if it’s too much emotionally to roll up into uncharted waters, then just have colder checkup with social services.
Don’t wait for the disaster

Im so sorry you are going through this. You can’t do anything about two stubborn elderly people who think they have it all figured out. I know all about this.

Sit tight. Something will happen in the foreseeable future which will change the dynamics of the situation.

I hope for a positive resolution to the situation for you and your parents.

You can't. Something will happen-a fall, a medical emergency, and things will go to the next level because of incapacity. You can line up a realtor, research various care facilities, find a care manager to help with the transition when it happens and make sure all the legal documents are in order when the time comes. Make sure you are authorized to speak to their medical providers. You can even discuss with your parents what steps you will be taking in the event of their incapacity.

in the meantime, unless you have legally established that they are not of sound mind, you are going to have to let them make their own decisions.

Wow. I had to look twice because I could have written this post. I too am an only child with a very elderly, sound of mind parent living 1200 miles away who will only accept one solution -- to come live with me. For a multitude of reasons, that is not happening. Dad will not accept caregivers, assisted living, meals on wheels or even caring neighbors who he finds intrusive and is very distrustful of (they are lovely). The replies to this post have been most helpful in helping me manage the unrelenting guilt I feel not being able to give him the end of life he deserves.

oh I hear you! My parents wanted me to do -- nothing. It was kind of easy for me. I moved in, I casually took over the accounts. I started cleaning. They didn't notice. They just forgot - that things didn't show up in the mail and if they did ask I told them it had be taken care of and they need not worry about it. And it just kinda changed. I read that you are far away but can you take off for a vacation or family leave and casually show up and take over. I know that everyone cannot do this but just a suggestion. Prayers for you and this very hard situation.

The feeling of helplessness is the worst feeling in the world, I know. In your case, don't ruin YOUR life waiting and worrying for the crisis to occur. It can happen today or 6 years from now, so why waste your time worrying over something you have no control over? That causes anxiety, as you know, and STILL no solution.

When the time is right, the hospital or rehab will NOT release mom to live independently (as they did with my dad) and there will be no other choice but managed care. In the meantime, your parents will have lived life on THEIR terms, come what may. There's a lot to be said for that, too.

Go about YOUR life and leave them to theirs. You're available IF needed......that's the message.

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can medicate compliance and perform a psych evaluation for placement. An Elder Law Attorney in their locale can advise you and help you plan the move.