My mother is 80 , heart failure , mobility issues. I have been the most proactive of my three sisters in taking her out, holidays, medical appointments etc ( not expecting any money ) following her being widowed 30 years ago, to the point where my marriage has been affected as she kept saying she was lonely.
she recently is recovering from shingles , and my sister who lives nearby would go weekdays and do all daily living activities and I would go weekends as I work full time and live 15 miles away. . Through her shingles illness my sibling and I would argue regularly as I would say mum needed to be doing more for herself as it was face shingles.
moving forward her mobility consequently deteriorated and I started taking her for drives to promote her mobility, walking and strength. Unfortunately she has damaged my car door pulling up due to having difficulty transferring. She is denying this. I have asked for a contribution towards my 700 repair bill, but now my mother and sister have got nasty, saying I’m horrible although my siblings hardly did anything until mum got shingles am I being unfair please
If mom refuses your help in getting in and out of the car then you refuse to take her in your car.
If she has to go to the doctor or other appointment then you call a Ride Share or find out if your area has transportation services for seniors and disabled if so use that, you may have to arrange the ride 24 or more hours in advance.
I have stepped down from caring as I was starting to despise her and my husband is so relieved, he was fed up of doing things with me after working 70 hours per week. He said he has wanted me to stop for years but did not tell me as he did not want me to resent him. He used to ask all the time why I was doing it, telling me to put myself first but I became so engrossed with pleasing mum and feeling a strong duty to care for her.
mum has always been difficult but as she got older she became even more entitled. Our conversations became all about her, I don’t think she has asked how I am for at least 12 months,
I have lost most of my family now I have made a stand (sister, nieces, aunt) however I do feel an enormous relief.
mum has not even phoned me to see how I am since she refused to pay towards my car, although she still has mental capacity.
I am a Social Worker by profession and I knew I should step away, but when it’s your own life rather than a clients it’s different and I just needed someone to tell me it was okay to walk away and many thanks for your advice I will be forever grateful.
thank you for listening and being supportive , best wishes. you all do a remarkable job
I traveled 12,000 miles to see my father before he died. The matron I talked to was very relieved to get my assurance that he was ‘faking’ most of his problems. Harden your heart! It helps a lot!
You seem full of complaints about all you do for your mother.
If you don't wish to do it then stop doing it.
If you do wish to do it and you enjoy helping her then continue.
Do it with a willing and loving heart or don't do it at all!
Some people have this idea that you should help family. What I found out is that the ones talking this foolishness wouldn't even spit on you if they saw you on fire.
There are other transportation services she can use. Don't become an emotional punching bag for your family.
M’s needs, your marriage, your time and finances, and family relationships are starting to go down the drain. It could be a good idea to use this problem to back away for a while and re-assess the whole situation. And for M and S to do the same without relying on your care input. You husband needs to put some views, too. You might consider posting again, with a question about the whole issue rather than the car repair. Best wishes, Margaret
You could start by saying, "I'm going to pay the repair bill, but going forward, I can't transport Mom in my car because I can't afford more repairs." If you do this, you'll need to accept that if you want to do things to promote your mom's health and mobility, you'll probably need to pay for those things.
This approach might lead to more discussion of your mom's condition and of the division of labor between you and your sister.
Just stop taking mom around now since she broke your car door and won't chip in to fix it. I used a car handle assist with my parents:
https://a.co/d/ckAlwYQ
They didn't get to "refuse" using an extra handle to hoist themselves up with, and I didn't get a broken car part as a result.
Stubborn parents who refuse help wind up not GETTING help from their children, ultimately. Now your sister who thinks you're so mean will see what it's all about, trying to deal with a stubborn mother who refuses this, that and the other thing. Good luck to her. You're off the hook now.
Are you going to continue to take mom out?
It sounds like mom needs physical help getting in and out of the car.
It sounds like you are fully aware that she needs help getting in and out. (you state she has mobility issues)
I think if you failed to physically help her you are as much to blame as she is.
I would not get repairs done if the door opens and closes until she is no longer able to get out safely.
Do not get repairs done until you are going to be more proactive in helping her.
probably not the response you were hoping for, at least from me...
will be interesting to read what others say.