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My mother is 80 , heart failure , mobility issues. I have been the most proactive of my three sisters in taking her out, holidays, medical appointments etc ( not expecting any money ) following her being widowed 30 years ago, to the point where my marriage has been affected as she kept saying she was lonely.
she recently is recovering from shingles , and my sister who lives nearby would go weekdays and do all daily living activities and I would go weekends as I work full time and live 15 miles away. . Through her shingles illness my sibling and I would argue regularly as I would say mum needed to be doing more for herself as it was face shingles.
moving forward her mobility consequently deteriorated and I started taking her for drives to promote her mobility, walking and strength. Unfortunately she has damaged my car door pulling up due to having difficulty transferring. She is denying this. I have asked for a contribution towards my 700 repair bill, but now my mother and sister have got nasty, saying I’m horrible although my siblings hardly did anything until mum got shingles am I being unfair please

Your comment after mine...
If mom refuses your help in getting in and out of the car then you refuse to take her in your car.
If she has to go to the doctor or other appointment then you call a Ride Share or find out if your area has transportation services for seniors and disabled if so use that, you may have to arrange the ride 24 or more hours in advance.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Thank you everyone for your input. All I hear from society is look after your elders, you only get one mum and make the most of her whilst she is here etc. Then family saying “how can you ask an 80 year old for money you are horrid”. It’s weird how society make allowances for age because when she was 79 my siblings hardly cared less or saw her, but now she has turned 80 it’s like some secret code now and I have to put up with any verbal abuse from her and shut up.

I have stepped down from caring as I was starting to despise her and my husband is so relieved, he was fed up of doing things with me after working 70 hours per week. He said he has wanted me to stop for years but did not tell me as he did not want me to resent him. He used to ask all the time why I was doing it, telling me to put myself first but I became so engrossed with pleasing mum and feeling a strong duty to care for her.

mum has always been difficult but as she got older she became even more entitled. Our conversations became all about her, I don’t think she has asked how I am for at least 12 months,

I have lost most of my family now I have made a stand (sister, nieces, aunt) however I do feel an enormous relief.

mum has not even phoned me to see how I am since she refused to pay towards my car, although she still has mental capacity.

I am a Social Worker by profession and I knew I should step away, but when it’s your own life rather than a clients it’s different and I just needed someone to tell me it was okay to walk away and many thanks for your advice I will be forever grateful.

thank you for listening and being supportive , best wishes. you all do a remarkable job
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Reply to Beardy
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You have my permission to walk away. You have not been on this site long enough to see that you are not the only one who deals with a parent or parents like yours. Most will say they just never came up to their parents expectations. Some finally realized that they would never get that love from their parent because thevparent does not know how to give it. Tell Mom and sisters you are taking a break. Reevaluate your relationship with Mom. What boundaries do you want to set.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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$700 to shim a door? You need a new mechanic.
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Reply to jwellsy
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MargaretMcKen Nov 24, 2025
Perhaps it didn't just need a shim? Pity we don't have visuals on the site!
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Margaret is right, the car is the underlying issue, she treats me horribly the other day she said “ I wonder what your dad would think of you now “ i thought she was going to say proud as I have been promoted at work but her reply was “ he didn’t like fat people”. I have tried to get validation from her all my life and not received it, I came to this group because I wanted reassurance to stop helping her because I am riddled with guilt and she believes she is entitled to support because she is old and I am her daughter who does not have children.
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MargaretMcKen Nov 24, 2025
Beardy, let me tell you straight up that you have “reassurance to stop helping her” from me. I’m too thin, you are the opposite, and each of us is just fine the way we are. She is ‘not entitled to support’ for any reason at all. If she wanted something different, she should have organised it in advance.

I traveled 12,000 miles to see my father before he died. The matron I talked to was very relieved to get my assurance that he was ‘faking’ most of his problems. Harden your heart! It helps a lot!
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Stop helping her. Damaging my property would be the end for me! I suggest occupational therapy for mom. An OT may be able to teach her the right way to get in and out of a car. This may require equipment she could use. This will prevent her damaging the cars of family members who are willing to help her after you’ve quit.
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Reply to Fawnby
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No, if my mother accidentally did damage to my car, then I would not expect or accept her help in repairing it, but I WOULD insure that it DID NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. You can do that by assisting her in and out, or by not going on these rides.

You seem full of complaints about all you do for your mother.
If you don't wish to do it then stop doing it.
If you do wish to do it and you enjoy helping her then continue.
Do it with a willing and loving heart or don't do it at all!
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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MargaretMcKen Nov 23, 2025
Alva, be real! If all our posters followed “Do it with a willing and loving heart or don't do it at all”, this site would not exist. Perhaps you, like me, aren’t caregiving at the moment?
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If she refuses to use any type of mechanical assistance and is causing damage to your car, stop offering your help. Let her and sister grumble. Is there a transportation service she can use? Department of Aging may have some suggestions getting your mother to and from appointments.

Some people have this idea that you should help family. What I found out is that the ones talking this foolishness wouldn't even spit on you if they saw you on fire.

There are other transportation services she can use. Don't become an emotional punching bag for your family.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Thank you all for your advice I’m new to the group, what hurts more is I know if my mother had damaged a siblings car she would have offered to pay, but with me my help is taken for granted and expected. My siblings think I’m horrid asking an 80 year old to help pay towards the damages, but my point is if she refuses help then she can’t damage property and expect others to foot the bill regardless of her age.
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Reply to Beardy
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MargaretMcKen Nov 23, 2025
Beardy, as you are new here, you may not have read time after time that the principle caregiver is the one who is taken for granted and criticised, rather than thanked. And by other family members, not just the person being cared for. Yes, it IS time to back off, let the others cope, and reconsider the whole situation.
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The car repair is not really the point, it’s the ‘canary in the coal mine’. M should have had the shingles vaccine, because shingles is awful for the elderly, so something is not great in her medical care. Your “marriage has been affected as she kept saying she was lonely”, and now your “mother and sister have got nasty, saying I’m horrible”.

M’s needs, your marriage, your time and finances, and family relationships are starting to go down the drain. It could be a good idea to use this problem to back away for a while and re-assess the whole situation. And for M and S to do the same without relying on your care input. You husband needs to put some views, too. You might consider posting again, with a question about the whole issue rather than the car repair. Best wishes, Margaret
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Paying Toward a $700 repair bill is preferable to losing free chauffeur service. If that’s what it takes to get your car modified for her and she won’t pay, then that’s the end of you taking her out to those fun medical visits. She’s going to have to pay Uber or a medical transport instead. Within four outings she will have paid about 700 to them to them, or it can be paid to you so that you can continue transporting mom. Thats the equation.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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I understand your frustration because it seems as though what is at issue here is not merely the $700 repair bill. Your mom isn't acknowledging the effects of her disability or illness, and you and your sister disagree about who is doing more and whether anyone should be reimbursed for the costs of helping your mom.

You could start by saying, "I'm going to pay the repair bill, but going forward, I can't transport Mom in my car because I can't afford more repairs." If you do this, you'll need to accept that if you want to do things to promote your mom's health and mobility, you'll probably need to pay for those things.

This approach might lead to more discussion of your mom's condition and of the division of labor between you and your sister.
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Reply to Rosered6
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Does the door open and close? Is it still functional, in other words?

Just stop taking mom around now since she broke your car door and won't chip in to fix it. I used a car handle assist with my parents:

https://a.co/d/ckAlwYQ

They didn't get to "refuse" using an extra handle to hoist themselves up with, and I didn't get a broken car part as a result.

Stubborn parents who refuse help wind up not GETTING help from their children, ultimately. Now your sister who thinks you're so mean will see what it's all about, trying to deal with a stubborn mother who refuses this, that and the other thing. Good luck to her. You're off the hook now.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Sorry I forgot to state I kept offering her help but she refuses, I also obtained an aid what you put on chassis to push up but she declined to use that also.
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JoAnn29 Nov 24, 2025
If that is the handle thing, yes they are great. Had one for my Mom.
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Does the door open and close?
Are you going to continue to take mom out?
It sounds like mom needs physical help getting in and out of the car.
It sounds like you are fully aware that she needs help getting in and out. (you state she has mobility issues)
I think if you failed to physically help her you are as much to blame as she is.
I would not get repairs done if the door opens and closes until she is no longer able to get out safely.
Do not get repairs done until you are going to be more proactive in helping her.

probably not the response you were hoping for, at least from me...
will be interesting to read what others say.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Beardy Nov 23, 2025
Sorry I forgot to state I kept offering her help but she refuses, I also obtained an aid what you put on chassis to push up but she declined to use that also
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