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My mom is living with my daughter now. She took her in thinking she was gonna be there for little while, but it's going on 2 1/2 months now. She has some form of dementia and needs some care like showering and a reminder to take her meds, but she can't stay with her any longer. My daughter lives in an apartment and is not allowed to have guests for that long. The problem is, can we force her to come live with her daughters for 3 months intervals so that not one person is dealing with her all time or to go to assisted living? We don't have POA or an appointed guardian. At this point we don't know what to do. We think she would get better care mentally and physically in an assisted living. We feel so stuck on what we can do. If anyone can give me any ideas it would be greatly appreciated.

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If she has some form of dementia, she will not get better no matter where she lives. She doesn't belong in assisted living either -- she needs memory care.

Rotating between homes is the worst thing you can do for a dementia patient. It's very confusing and distressing to have to get used to new places, and no, she won't remember your house from the last time.

You have bunch of work to do with an attorney, as the others have said. Mom needs to move in with you or one of your sisters to keep your daughter from getting kicked out of her apartment, but she needs to go to memory care as quickly as you can arrange it. That, or she moves in with one daughter for the long run.
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Has your daughter asked her Grandmother to move on?

Awkward, yes but necessary. "Grandma it's been fine having you stay for a while but you can't live here permanently. I'll have your bags packed for next week. Daughter X (Y or Z) is happy to have you stay next - how do you feel about that?"(Provided daughters XYZ are happy...)

"Or would you prefer your own room to stay put in? We can set it up how you like. With your own things. We can have a look at one next week".

Moving from house to house is a bit of a short term solution imho. Elders with dementia need familiar routines & familiar things around them. Moving will be hard on her & hard on all 3 daughters in turn. Then the care needs increase & one daughter usually just ends up keeping her. Then often a fall or other health crises then into care anyway.

I'd pick out 2 nice places. Somewhere convenient to the daughter likely to help the most. Then tour & have the staff win her over! If she signs herself in by her own choice you have a win/win! She's more or less happy, family happy enough + no costly/lengthy guardianship application.

Engage a lawyer who knows about elder issues to meet her to ascertain if ok to sign POA. Have him/her ask her wishes.

It's amazing when faced with professionals the different responses they get (compared to what family get).

Worth a go?
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liljo266 Apr 2021
Hi Beatty thanks for your response I agree she probably will do better having her own place in assisted living where she'll get the care she needs mentally and physically I am looking at places hopefully she will want to look at some She is very difficult to deal with and stubborn but I'll take your advice see what happens Thanks
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Yes to leaving your daughter's apartment due to the policy. She doesn't get to be an exception to that rule just because she's 96 years old. Before taking her to a doctor for a cognitive assessment (and checked for a UTI) I'd take her to an elder law attorney. The attorney will interview her to see if she is able to comprehend what a PoA is, and she might be able to assign someone and get it legally completed. Without this, you only have 2 choices: to pursue guardianship yourselves or allow the county/state to assume it. If she becomes a ward of the state then the family will have no control whatsoever of any of her medical or financial management and not be allowed any insight into any of her affairs going forward.

Even if you could somehow get her into a facility, no one in your family would have the legal authority to manage any of her care or speak on her behalf without PoA or guardianship. Even to manage her SS checks someone needs to be designated as her Representative Payee, and to be able to discuss things with her doctor without her present one would need to be her Medical Representative.

FYI change is destabilizing for people with dementia. She will be less and less able to "adapt" after each move as her dementia increases, and will most likely become very agitated and anxious, among other behaviors. Does each daughter understand what it can mean to be a 24/7 caregiver to someone with advancing dementia? It can be very stressful.
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If mom has dementia and won't cooperate, then you need to use tricks. It sounds underhanded but that's what you have to do to get her to go where you want.

Here's a suggestion, and you can tailor it or come up with your own so that it works for your mother. Tell her it's a birthday party, a get together at one of her daughters' house, and everyone is going, so she is going too. Pack a small bag for her (the rest of her stuff can come later.) Once there, after the "party", make up some excuse why your mom can't go back. Maybe, her daughter will take her shopping the next day, so she'll stay the night and watch her favorite movie. Maybe tell her the apartment where your daughter lives has to be tented for termites and everyone has to move out. Your daughter has to couch surf at a friend's place.

Then come up with some other "trick" when it's time for her to go to the next daughter's place.

With dementia, she probably won't remember the "tricks" after a while. And there's no reasoning with dementia either.

Be creative, come up with reasons and excuses that will please and pacify your mother at the moment so that she will cooperate.

Good luck
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Mom would need to be declared incapacitated, even if you had POA, for you to force her to move. Mom, while competent has every right to decide where she lives.
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