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1) First and foremost, what is the reason mom doesn't want her other child to know? Are they estranged? Or is mom one of those "oh no, don't tell anyone, I don't her to worry" pseudo-martyr types? Estrangement is one thing, but the other reason leads to all sorts of ramifications.
2) And nearly equally as important, what is the relationship between the 2 sisters? Are they close? Are they not, but the daughter "in the know" is hoping to repair a damaged relationship? If "in the know daughter" doesn't tell her sister, will it cause a rift that can never be repaired, and will that upset "in the know" daughter?
My husband wasn't told by his oldest brother when their mom got very sick to the point she almost died. Brother didn't want to "worry" DH. It almost caused my DH to cut all ties with his brother.
When my sister was pregnant with my niece, she called us one night to say she was out of emergency surgery, she had almost died due to complications with the pregnancy. I still remember the look on my mother's face - she was totally gob smacked. "I didn't call you before the surgery because I didn't want you to worry".
When my FIL had to go to the ER once, he asked us (DH & I) to not tell SIL...FIL said he would call her himself. So she could hear his voice and "not worry". Well, as it turned out, he couldn't get to his phone in the ER in a timely fashion, and when SIL got home from work, she had no idea where he was. When she called us, I had to tell her that her dad was in the ER; she was furious with me and DH for not telling her. We made up, but that also almost caused a rift in the family, and that I would have regretted greatly, because I truly love my SIL as one of my sisters.
Because if these incidents, we have a standing policy in my family to let everyone close to us know all serious medical issues or concerns as soon as we find out about them. I value these relationships too much to risk them on "I didn't want you to worry". Because being closed mouthed about medical issues also causes a different kind of worry, the "what aren't they telling me" kind - which, in my opinion, is a far worse feeling.
Do some reading on triangulation. That seems to be what is going on here.
Here is a link that might help. Also take a quick look at the book “Boundaries” by Townsend and Cloud. You can find a lot on the internet about their work.
The sisters do not have a good relationship. The sister that did know sent the other sister a birthday card 4 months before and the sister (not told) sent it back “refused”. Also, the mom had a cellphone with her in the hospital and said that she would call whoever she wanted to let them know.
Also, the sister that wasn’t told about mom has two grown children that have never called their grandmother and the last time this sister called her mom was 5 months before she went into the hospital. This sister never contacted her mom to wish her a Merry Christmas and neither did her children.
If you mom is competent to say why she doesn't want your sister to know, then I'd respect her wishes. Your sister sounds like a real piece of work.
The one thing I'd recommend, though, is to keep this consistent. If Sis has been like this all along, then I'd consider her to be permanently out of the loop and I'd confirm that with Mom. I wouldn't agree to be a party to any game-playing.
Edit:
I've just read your other thread, and this is indeed game-playing. It's what my husband's side of the family does, and it's childish and stupid because no doubt they'll make up at some point, and you'll be made out to be the bad guy if you don't let it go as easily as they do when that day comes.
I'd tell my mom that it's up to her to notify anyone if she is or has been in the hospital. I'd also tell your sister the same thing, then remove yourself from their idiotic drama over a perceived Christmas Day insult.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
1) First and foremost, what is the reason mom doesn't want her other child to know? Are they estranged? Or is mom one of those "oh no, don't tell anyone, I don't her to worry" pseudo-martyr types? Estrangement is one thing, but the other reason leads to all sorts of ramifications.
2) And nearly equally as important, what is the relationship between the 2 sisters? Are they close? Are they not, but the daughter "in the know" is hoping to repair a damaged relationship? If "in the know daughter" doesn't tell her sister, will it cause a rift that can never be repaired, and will that upset "in the know" daughter?
My husband wasn't told by his oldest brother when their mom got very sick to the point she almost died. Brother didn't want to "worry" DH. It almost caused my DH to cut all ties with his brother.
When my sister was pregnant with my niece, she called us one night to say she was out of emergency surgery, she had almost died due to complications with the pregnancy. I still remember the look on my mother's face - she was totally gob smacked. "I didn't call you before the surgery because I didn't want you to worry".
When my FIL had to go to the ER once, he asked us (DH & I) to not tell SIL...FIL said he would call her himself. So she could hear his voice and "not worry". Well, as it turned out, he couldn't get to his phone in the ER in a timely fashion, and when SIL got home from work, she had no idea where he was. When she called us, I had to tell her that her dad was in the ER; she was furious with me and DH for not telling her. We made up, but that also almost caused a rift in the family, and that I would have regretted greatly, because I truly love my SIL as one of my sisters.
Because if these incidents, we have a standing policy in my family to let everyone close to us know all serious medical issues or concerns as soon as we find out about them. I value these relationships too much to risk them on "I didn't want you to worry". Because being closed mouthed about medical issues also causes a different kind of worry, the "what aren't they telling me" kind - which, in my opinion, is a far worse feeling.
I don't think anyone can add anything.
Do some reading on triangulation. That seems to be what is going on here.
Here is a link that might help. Also take a quick look at the book “Boundaries” by Townsend and Cloud. You can find a lot on the internet about their work.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-triangulation/#:~:text=Another%20common%20way%20that%20narcissistic,out%20the%20narcissistic%20parent%27s%20approval.
Note: I’m not saying anyone is a narcissist. Just read this and see if it feels like what is going on with the mother’s family.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-am-asking-this-again-because-i-should-have-given-more-information-481060.htm
The one thing I'd recommend, though, is to keep this consistent. If Sis has been like this all along, then I'd consider her to be permanently out of the loop and I'd confirm that with Mom. I wouldn't agree to be a party to any game-playing.
Edit:
I've just read your other thread, and this is indeed game-playing. It's what my husband's side of the family does, and it's childish and stupid because no doubt they'll make up at some point, and you'll be made out to be the bad guy if you don't let it go as easily as they do when that day comes.
I'd tell my mom that it's up to her to notify anyone if she is or has been in the hospital. I'd also tell your sister the same thing, then remove yourself from their idiotic drama over a perceived Christmas Day insult.