I wonder sometimes if the things my mom with ALZ says are feelings she has had for years but now she can't keep them to herself.

Yes it’s common...Yesterday I turned 61...she’s 92...I told her yesterday morning it’s my birthday...she said oh yeah...happy 24 th Bday...I said ...that’s right..later that night, she tells me how much she hates me, I’m a prostitute, a piece of sh—. & my life is a waste All these comments do is make me care less & less about her. I told my brother if I ever get this way, take me on a cruise & throw me overboard the last night of cruise. Hugs 🤗

Oh my! 39 answers and going! You hit a nerve! Or a reality! Yes, it seems to me the self-censor erodes and the real mama is set free for us to feel the nasty wrath of. My mom and I were so often at odds. I joked one day at work that her favorite phrases should be programmed into an elder version of Chatty Cathie dolls. Phrases such as
"GET OUT"
"It's MY house!"
"Whatever I WANT!"
If I weren't so tired I'd think of more.
She's even referred to my dad, her beloved to whom she had been devoted 70+ years as "jerk" LOL

When I can't laugh about it, it is hurtful. Some old feelings have regenerated, as my out of state sister who has done zilch, not even responding to my emails to convey empathy remains the Good Daughter. Another person who was friends with my mother who is younger than mom/older than me shared some information that made it clear mom's judgemental nature threw bricks in the way of my having a social life and friends.

My only concern is that her snarky attitude may be picked up if we ever have help in the house and an outsider may take the comments seriously and think there is truth to the statement. She pulled an attitude when we were in with the neurologist who specialized in dementias who was a love. (also btw, she was sharp enough when they sent an envelope to her in error, to call and cancel the appt which we didn't know until the day of it! and had to reschedule) He asked her some questions and she made some snarky comment about my being responsible for her being there and he responded by saying how I loved her very much. It can get ugly. I am her enemy and her hatred comes out especially if she is being urged to do something like get out of the way when a bed is being delivered or someone is painting a wall etc.

Kind of like when some people drink and their inhibitions are lowered. Very interesting.

Interesting discussions
I have my own theory too. From my experience, dementia presents itself within the personality of the "person who was". By that I mean, for the most part, if the person was controlling that continues. If the person was fairly easy going, that continues. But, those behaviors are distorted by the fear and uncertainty that the disease causes when the body slowly fails and the mind no longer cooperates. The disease robs in stages, so that sometimes we forget what it happening inside the life of the person we love. We take it personally, when it is not personal. (It's like taking a hurricane personally. Instead, we prepare and change our own behavior.) The internal struggles of dementia are personal and hidden. We can only guess the content of that struggle. It must be horrifying to try to hold onto who you are when those around you may be misunderstanding. Our roles as caregivers are multi-faceted: 1) treat our loved ones with compassion always 2) accept that we cannot insist that they respond as they once did - that's futile 3) care for ourselves fully 4) find ways to find joy in the days we have together.
Best to all

Me, I believe dementia forces their mask to fall off; for the 'real' person who's always been there to shine through, without the fake smiles and social skills they once used to make others like them. My 92 y/o mother has dementia. She's always been a mean-spirited human being but now, boy howdy, she's off the charts. She lives in memory care and screams at the other residents how STUPID they are. She calls one of her caregivers a POS and a lazy good-for-nothing. She once called me over after my father passed away to tell me something SO hideous about him, that she'd been hiding for 60 years, that I almost passed out on the spot. Sad and horrible, that's the disease of dementia.
So, I agree with you...........lots of what they're saying to us comes from not being able to hold their feelings in.

Having to take care of a parent with or without dementia does not erase any underlying issues you may have had in your relationship with them...if anything it brings it to the forefront. Some days I tell myself I am taking the high road and I am a better person for it. :-)

I have wonder about this myself. When I moved back home to help my mother and to take care of the house it was...as if...her chance to kick me while I was down...to put me in my place as it was. I didn't realize she had dementia; although, I knew she wasn't right. I guess, I thought it was depression and/or old age. But from day one of moving in she was beating my sig other and I over the head...you want to talk about a power trip! We couldn't do anything right...lock the doors wrong, didn't dry a pan correctly, walked to hard and if that wasn't bad enough; she told family members that I was trying to kill her and we (my sig other and I) wasn't paying any of the bills. She would say to me "you think your sooo smart with your degrees." Or give me a backhanded compliment as saying, "you look good for your age to bad your getting fat." There has alway been this underlying thing between us. She has always had some envy of me. We are so different. She never completed high school. She married the first man she came across and well...she never stood up for herself. I on the other hand went all through school probably to much. I have never married because that wasn't what I wanted and I have been with my sig other for 17 yrs. I never let people walk all over me. I have had in most parts a very care free life up to about 7 yrs ago. She (in her mind) didn't! But she never really worked...she had my dad for that! She is needie...I am independent! And she has always been a liar and I speak the truth! I say all this to tell you--I get it!!

Is it the disease or our LOs telling the truth...I don't know! Perhaps it is a little of both. Maybe at times there is some truth that has found its way out of the dark shadows of their mind and other times, it is their brain misfiring and mixing things up.

When my mother goes on saying something hurtful I tell her to stop and if she continues then I walk out of the room. If I can't walk out and she doesn't stop I just change the subject. I really don't let it get to me anymore. I just think of myself as a duck and her words are water that just rolls off my feathers!

What a very good subject! Just try not to take it personal...easier said than done! Right!

Many sad stories here. I experience the opposite in that there is very little I can speak to my mother about. She knows who I am,who she is,why she is in AL. I am grateful for all that. She just seems to have very little desire to speak about anything. I stopped asking her about the past because she either can't remember it or has nothing to say about it. However when my daughter asked her a question that involved the past she was very coherent. That makes me feel I should try harder but if I do she just clams up and I become emotionally exhausted with the process. So we discuss the weather which is pointless. I realize that those of you who have to experience difficult conversations find that certainly unpleasant but maybe there is a little silver lining in that there is at least a conversation. I feel as though I will blame myself once she is gone but I don't know how to bring something out and I don't know a different way to try.

Yes it happens to me too.
It really hurts when she tells me that I take care of her because they pay me.
Or the she hates me because Im bossy.
I have step back and remind myself that she is sick but I think the same thing.....is that really how she felt before all this Dementia thing started.

"living in your NICE house, driving your FANCY car!!"
My mom did that to me. Let me first say that she kicked her own elderly mother out and then later in life when I lost my job and had moved in with her, I had to move out. What I heard in a meeting with Mom and the social worker was, "You live up there in your BIG house" and "I never kicked YOU out" as if I had done so to her (I didn't). My house almost qualifies as a "tiny home". Almost. It's very small.
I think my mother knew she was inflicting pain. I don't think she cared that the facts were wrong. Later her counselor told me that she was sharp as a tack. It doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with but the social worker told me that they can't control their emotions as well when they get older, but I didn't see anything different than what had gone on as far back as I remember. What's new to the nursing home wasn't new to me. I can empathize. And I think you're right.

My SIL with Alzheimer's was always snarky with her husband. Then the dx of Alzheimer's came and she suddenly became much nicer to him. That's when they knew something had gone off the rails.

Maybe theres hidden things that normally wouldn’t be said. But essentially that’s also the key point. If they’ve never said before the disease - then they would be mortified to think they had+ since the disease - if they understood.
Sure it can be hurtful - if you let it - but you have to accept first that normally wild horses wouldn’t have got them to say those things. Think of a kid doing or saying something without comprehending it may be a negative reaction they get.
It may seem like they “must know” but they actually don’t and would be disgusted at themselves if they did.
My aunt wouldn’t kiss her own sisters and saw them as a threat to her attentions from the man visiting - who was her own brother.
I remember her as a very “proper” headmistress. Yet this is the same person who would spit food on the floor, or hitch up her skirt in public for a good scratch “down below” when Alzheimers’s took away the person she was before, and would want to be remembered as.
I accepted both versions - the very strict lady who was always so smartly dressed and the one who had a twinkle in her eye for the men and a lack of comprehension re social niceties.
My father would make comments at times - I learnt that that’s how he saw things now. His logical mind before dementia would have dismissed the things as irrelevant before. So I just answered in a manner of fact way like you would a kid. If he said he didn’t like something I had/ used / wore - I’d just say well I do, so it’s a good job it’s my choice not yours!
Appreciate we are all different and have to find our own way of dealing with such issues. I hope you find your own way of coping with your mums negative type comments.

I think it's easy, understandably so, for us to assume the things our family members say are thoughts and feelings they have kept dark and hidden because it's often so out of the blue and can be hurtful. Especially if the relationship has been contentious in the past. I don't believe you will find any scientific proof that is the case, though. My mother has only said a few hurtful things, and that was early on. She accused me of selling her car and taking her money. Needless to say, my reaction was not good. But she would never have said those things to me if she were in her right mind. Now she just remembers things wrong, has no memories of other things and has memories of things that didn't happen - and asks permission for nearly everything. I consider myself lucky. My mom and I had a good relationship as I grew up although we had different values, but I left home when I was 18 and naturally am not the same person I was as a teen. I believe the best way to think about the odd, strange and sometimes hurtful things that they say during the stages of dementia and ALZ is that they are no longer the same person they used to be. Dementia and ALZ destroys the brain. Robs the person of their personality. Try not to let the nasty comments get to you (talking to myself here, too). You have enough to deal with without wondering if your loved one felt that way about you all their life.....

I don't know the medical answer but I have learned that often (like alcoholics), people will blurt out what they feel without compassion and empathy. I frankly don't care WHY they say what they do, to me it is just simply UNACCEPTABLE and I simply could not and would not tolerate it. It would hurt me so deeply as I am very sensitive and caring and cannot stand people being cruel to others, especially when there is nothing to justify the horrible behavior. Everyone has a different breaking point. My feeling is that you do all you can do to help and make things right but when that becomes impossible and you are slowly being destroyed, there is only one solution - you REMOVE them and place them so you can go on to live your life in peace knowing you tried (but failed). You deserve the chance to live and not be abused. Don't tolerate it no matter what.

If you think it's unfiltered w/ Alzheimers, you haven't had a patient with FTD, frontal temporal dementia... it's beyond a handful of spontaneous, unfiltered, expressions and actions and can give the illusion of "being normal" as there is no memory impairment. But in terms of judgment... it's been tossed out the window.
I think all of us have deep dark stuff we keep a lid on, but with FTD... no lid.

Hello Kelli, yes I experience this with both m parents and for years I thought I was crazy, but now its so evident and clear as both my parents display this behavior. The only time I don't get it is if something is wrong, like they like to see me as a wounded solider :-). But when things are going good and I am successful not a kind word of inspiration. My dad went as far as to tell me only fools buy houses ?? wow I'm the first in my family to do so and it made me feel horrible. Or if I buy anything my mom makes it a point to have me take her to get one better, even things she clearly doesn't need. I can buy something for my big toe and she will be like well since you didn't get me one I'll order one from Gucci :-), its like "mom, but its just a post op shoe I broke my toe :-)" sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying. I wish there was an instructional manual for this, but stay strong and know that some things stem from behaviors and generational baggage from before your time.. good luck and HA! I'm a Wilson and my nickname is Kelli- too funny

Sometimes it is that the natural inhibitions are no longer inhibiting. Sometimes it's just a 3 yr old lashing out to hurt someone. And, it can even be a case of trying to be humorous. Sadly, it can be any and all of the above.

While it's difficult, try to learn how to shrug it off. You either have to learn to ignore it or you can go crazy. I learned how to shrug and ignore; changing the subject works a lot.

My "stiff old" great-great-aunt started swearing like a truck driver (sorry about insulting truck drivers) - old age really isn't for sissies.

Hang in there, you're still a blessing to your Mom.

Absolutely. I am a only child and my mother was mean and nasty before she got sick. It took some time, but I finally learned not to take what she says personal. I know this may not work for you, but when she gets flip with her mouth, I don't say a word. I just look at her, I see where her sickness has distorted her face and physical appearance. I walk away, go to my recliner, kick my feet up and remember, she's the one who is sick. She needs MY help. I have to be honest, every now and then, I slip and argue with her, which is a waste of time. I think you have to find a space for yourself to regroup.

I do believe that things semi-buried for years can erupt into semi-consciousness in the person with dementia, who as you say loses filters, etc. I think this seems very troubling but in some cases may be healing. Some people had traumas which, in their generation, were never addressed, not acknowledged or even hinted at. The person might have at times seemed a little 'off,' not herself, but not enough for anyone to give much thought to. I think and I've heard experts say that sometimes a person seems to have some resolution of traumas (or disappointments, etc.) while in a stage of dementia. I would try, gently, to ask your mother to say more about this or that, when she starts to seem more 'honest' in her words. Best of luck.

So true, and I can relate entirely. My sister was adopted, middle child and with a mother who thought she made the supreme "sacrifice" by doing so. I honestly think she thought it was her ticket to heaven. After my brother was born (the miracle child because mom was told she couldn't conceive after me) things took a dramatic turn. She sent my sister to boarding school and she would stay with me on weekends and summers (9 yrs. difference). It was mom's poorly kept secret that my sister was the black sheep. I know she suspected. Recently at mom's dementia assessment she was asked how many children she had. Her reply: A son, daughter and an adopted girl. My heart broke.

Yes, they do lose their filter. Like some said before, they also get things mixed up. Some of the residents at the nursing home told her she had a pretty daughter (me) when I wheeled her to a Bible class. She shook her head no and tightened her lips up. Her minister told her the same thing and she said no, my other one and he said no, I am talking about this one here with us and she got mad. It hurt my feelings badly at first but I got past it. I always felt she was a little jealous of me but thought that was ridiculous to be jealous of your own child’s success or looks! I wanted her to be proud of me. That is not how it turned out. But, I put up with those things and will never understand it because she did the biggest display after she came down with dementia. Some things we will never figure out. She passed away this past December. I loved her but she was a confusing person.

When my mom came out with 'your father is such a bastard ... he didn't even go to his own brother's funeral' out of the blue when we were driving, I answered 'yes he did & you went too ... the reason I know is that I was there also,  not only that you did a reading during the funeral mass.'

A light bulb when on over my head because I finally realized how she was getting these ideas & it is what I call the Chinese menu memory - something from column A, something from column B, etc - my mom had taken bits of several memories & woven them together in a new but false one that she believed to the nth degree - once I told that I was a witness she seemed to realize what the real memory was & forgot about it all

She had a few times like that but when nobody could disprove them then she would start embellishing them as bigger & bigger - one was my uncle gave her a friendly tap on the knee so in April it was the mark was there for an hour by August it was black & blue for 2 weeks & she was about to miscarry [8 months] because of it

So when your mom says mean things it is not a real memory she is building on - your car is fancy for 1980's eyes, your home is great for someone who struggled when first married, you may have done something she wished she had done & at the time thought 'I wish I was able to have done that' with a small amount of envy but now it is jealousy of parts of your life she never did due to lack of education, money, courage etc.

You have no way of knowing if it is a real emotion of jealousy or a fabricated one so when dealing with a LO with dementia err on the side of 'false memory' especially if it is out of the blue - she could also be mixing you up with someone else [do you look like her sister/aunt?] that she had a strained relationship with so then she transfers that to you -

When you give a child a treat for being good is it a 'bribe' or a 'reward'? .... depends on the person's attitude who sees it but the kid still got a treat whatever you call it & so it is with dementia it can all be in the person's perception of a small thing can colour how they react

My grandmother lived to be 95 and was still living alone and driving.  She had been in very good health until the very end.  Unlike her daughter (my mother) who was diagnosed with dementia inher 60's.  My mom is now 79 and grandma died last November so I had to drive mom to TN for the funeral.  I don't think my mom really realized that grandma had died.  She basically had no emotion about it at all and just kept saying she wanted to go home.  I am sure all of you are familiar with that...they don't like being out of their everyday routine.  Well on the drive home from TN, we hit road construction and had to take a detour.  Mom kept looking around and said she didn't recognize anything and that I did not know where I was going.  I said mom it's a detour so I wouldn't expect it to look familiar.  I could see her staring at me out of the corner of my eye and then she said...."you're out here driving around like you've got all the time and money in the world".  I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants!  Many times dealing with moms dementia is sad and scary and exhausting and endless and every once in a while there is a funny and I have to take it and run with it! LOL

I do feel like things they say are their underlying feelings without filter.  My mom said to me she thought I always looked down my nose at her and thought I was better than her.  My mom is a very jealous person and always said to me when I was growing up "why should you get to do that...I never got to do that" or "why should you have that...I never had that".  She also told met that she never wanted to have children and that I was her punishment from my dad so that she couldn't leave.  When she said that to me, it then made sense as to why she treated me the way she did.  I have to tell you that she knew she was not a good mother to me and out of the blue she apologized to me for it.  I will never forget it...I had taken her to lunch and she had just gotten her hot tea and she said "I know I wasn't a good mother to you and I am sorry".  I was so shocked that I just nodded and changed the subject.  I cried later that night because that was validation for my sadness over my childhood.  I think after I had my daughter and she saw that you can have unconditional love for someone and want the best for them and have a real relationship... I think it enlightened her and she was a good grandma to my daughter and treated her the way I wished she had treated me.  I was very grateful for her love of my daughter.  Sorry I didn't mean to go on and on about my own situation, but I agree with you that sometimes their actions in this demented state are nuances of their real feelings. I hope you are able to find some bit of humor in her comments. I wish you well on this crazy crazy journey we are all on ....

Dementia patients get into "do loops" of behavior, thoughts, and feelings. It is like being "stuck" on 1 channel. She may have some "held onto" negative feelings - don't we all? Rather than try to prove that her thoughts/feelings are wrong, stick with diverting her to another thought or activity.

My Gram had negative thoughts about her brother-in-law, who shared a business with my Gramps. They argued and eventually Gramps sold his half of the business to his brother. Was it a nasty time in the family? Yes. I told Gram that it was unfortunate and painful but reminded her of happier, more recent times with that brother-in-law and that side of the family. I thanked her for trying to forgive and let go. Then, I hugged her, let her know I loved her, and most importantly... changed the subject.

Yes. My mother and I have had an antagonistic relationship for decades but of course never spoke the words or conveyed the dislike as much. She can be quite nasty, and does what she wants...i.e. she "trimmed" a beautiful plant I had in a pot; she destroyed $30 worth of plantings in a window box; she is a meddling witch and always has been. Her favorite expressions are "you can leave" or if you don't like it you can move out. Without me around the whole game would be over and she'd be in a nursing home.

I love cecicando's strategy of hugging her mom and saying "I love you."

Hang on to laughing (with your sister, not at your mother!) at any bizarre, unfiltered statements you are able to laugh at, no matter what motivates your mother to say them.

Humor is a powerful tool in coping with caregiving. Thanks to everyone's reminder to laugh when we can.

Yes, I've been there myself. My mom, who had Alzheimer's, would insult people she never insulted before. I believe she  might had these feelings all along, but couldn't say them, so as to not insult these people. Alzheimer's took her "filter" away. She also insulted me at times, and before Alzheimer's hit, we got along great, so I learned not to take her insults seriously. She'd blame me for things that I had no control over, like the weather!  Sometimes, once the disease came a -calling, I think she was jealous of me, though but I'm not sure why. Once, I made potato pancakes for us. She had what was on her plate, and then reached over to take one of mine. I told her I had more in the pan, (and a lot on my plate, psychologically speaking), but she preferred to have one from my plate. Hubby thought that maybe she was jealous of the fact that I was  (obviously)younger than she was. I even wrote a book about taking care of her: " My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Best of luck with your circumstances.

It’s strange with my mother. She has accused me of stealing. I have never stolen so much as a grape from a grocery store lol. ( something she did all the time btw) In her case, it’s more like it’s things she has done all her life that she now accuses me and others of doing and on some level knows the truth. She told the neurologist I stole all her furniture ( the same furniture presently sitting in her apartment) and what I “should have done” was take her things like her silverware and store it in my daughters’s basements which is EXACTLY what I did do . So she knew exactly where her stuff is but insisted I stole it. But then again she has lied her entire life. IE , just one of many many examples , I recently found out an aunt who she claimed died playing with a toy stove while my father babysat her ( so warned me never to mention it because it would up set him) actually died of diphtheria years before my father was even born. So she lied just to lie then, like she does now.

My mom skipped this part of dementia, she went from fully capable to end stage seemingly overnight. What I see in common though is the feeling that we no longer recognize this stranger in our care - I analyzed my whole life trying to fit this self centred, needy person into the picture and began to doubt everything I though I knew or remembered about her. I'm sorry you are going through that.

I think that people lash out when the are under stress in much the same way that a pet will bite it's owner when afraid or hurt. None of us live in a vacuum so we ALL have learned the words and actions that can wound others, we even think about them when we are angry or feeling under pressure - that just means we are human. When our brains are functioning our better self recognizes these impulses as being temporary, cruel and destructive and we don't act on them, with dementia all the filters erode and every nasty thought and action that comes into our head can come out.