I wonder sometimes if the things my mom with ALZ says are feelings she has had for years but now she can't keep them to herself.

My SIL with Alzheimer's was always snarky with her husband. Then the dx of Alzheimer's came and she suddenly became much nicer to him. That's when they knew something had gone off the rails.

"living in your NICE house, driving your FANCY car!!"
My mom did that to me. Let me first say that she kicked her own elderly mother out and then later in life when I lost my job and had moved in with her, I had to move out. What I heard in a meeting with Mom and the social worker was, "You live up there in your BIG house" and "I never kicked YOU out" as if I had done so to her (I didn't). My house almost qualifies as a "tiny home". Almost. It's very small.
I think my mother knew she was inflicting pain. I don't think she cared that the facts were wrong. Later her counselor told me that she was sharp as a tack. It doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with but the social worker told me that they can't control their emotions as well when they get older, but I didn't see anything different than what had gone on as far back as I remember. What's new to the nursing home wasn't new to me. I can empathize. And I think you're right.

Yes it happens to me too.
It really hurts when she tells me that I take care of her because they pay me.
Or the she hates me because Im bossy.
I have step back and remind myself that she is sick but I think the same thing.....is that really how she felt before all this Dementia thing started.

Many sad stories here. I experience the opposite in that there is very little I can speak to my mother about. She knows who I am,who she is,why she is in AL. I am grateful for all that. She just seems to have very little desire to speak about anything. I stopped asking her about the past because she either can't remember it or has nothing to say about it. However when my daughter asked her a question that involved the past she was very coherent. That makes me feel I should try harder but if I do she just clams up and I become emotionally exhausted with the process. So we discuss the weather which is pointless. I realize that those of you who have to experience difficult conversations find that certainly unpleasant but maybe there is a little silver lining in that there is at least a conversation. I feel as though I will blame myself once she is gone but I don't know how to bring something out and I don't know a different way to try.

I have wonder about this myself. When I moved back home to help my mother and to take care of the house it was...as if...her chance to kick me while I was down...to put me in my place as it was. I didn't realize she had dementia; although, I knew she wasn't right. I guess, I thought it was depression and/or old age. But from day one of moving in she was beating my sig other and I over the head...you want to talk about a power trip! We couldn't do anything right...lock the doors wrong, didn't dry a pan correctly, walked to hard and if that wasn't bad enough; she told family members that I was trying to kill her and we (my sig other and I) wasn't paying any of the bills. She would say to me "you think your sooo smart with your degrees." Or give me a backhanded compliment as saying, "you look good for your age to bad your getting fat." There has alway been this underlying thing between us. She has always had some envy of me. We are so different. She never completed high school. She married the first man she came across and well...she never stood up for herself. I on the other hand went all through school probably to much. I have never married because that wasn't what I wanted and I have been with my sig other for 17 yrs. I never let people walk all over me. I have had in most parts a very care free life up to about 7 yrs ago. She (in her mind) didn't! But she never really worked...she had my dad for that! She is needie...I am independent! And she has always been a liar and I speak the truth! I say all this to tell you--I get it!!

Is it the disease or our LOs telling the truth...I don't know! Perhaps it is a little of both. Maybe at times there is some truth that has found its way out of the dark shadows of their mind and other times, it is their brain misfiring and mixing things up.

When my mother goes on saying something hurtful I tell her to stop and if she continues then I walk out of the room. If I can't walk out and she doesn't stop I just change the subject. I really don't let it get to me anymore. I just think of myself as a duck and her words are water that just rolls off my feathers!

What a very good subject! Just try not to take it personal...easier said than done! Right!

Having to take care of a parent with or without dementia does not erase any underlying issues you may have had in your relationship with them...if anything it brings it to the forefront. Some days I tell myself I am taking the high road and I am a better person for it. :-)

Me, I believe dementia forces their mask to fall off; for the 'real' person who's always been there to shine through, without the fake smiles and social skills they once used to make others like them. My 92 y/o mother has dementia. She's always been a mean-spirited human being but now, boy howdy, she's off the charts. She lives in memory care and screams at the other residents how STUPID they are. She calls one of her caregivers a POS and a lazy good-for-nothing. She once called me over after my father passed away to tell me something SO hideous about him, that she'd been hiding for 60 years, that I almost passed out on the spot. Sad and horrible, that's the disease of dementia.
So, I agree with you...........lots of what they're saying to us comes from not being able to hold their feelings in.

Interesting discussions
I have my own theory too. From my experience, dementia presents itself within the personality of the "person who was". By that I mean, for the most part, if the person was controlling that continues. If the person was fairly easy going, that continues. But, those behaviors are distorted by the fear and uncertainty that the disease causes when the body slowly fails and the mind no longer cooperates. The disease robs in stages, so that sometimes we forget what it happening inside the life of the person we love. We take it personally, when it is not personal. (It's like taking a hurricane personally. Instead, we prepare and change our own behavior.) The internal struggles of dementia are personal and hidden. We can only guess the content of that struggle. It must be horrifying to try to hold onto who you are when those around you may be misunderstanding. Our roles as caregivers are multi-faceted: 1) treat our loved ones with compassion always 2) accept that we cannot insist that they respond as they once did - that's futile 3) care for ourselves fully 4) find ways to find joy in the days we have together.
Best to all

Kind of like when some people drink and their inhibitions are lowered. Very interesting.

Oh my! 39 answers and going! You hit a nerve! Or a reality! Yes, it seems to me the self-censor erodes and the real mama is set free for us to feel the nasty wrath of. My mom and I were so often at odds. I joked one day at work that her favorite phrases should be programmed into an elder version of Chatty Cathie dolls. Phrases such as
"GET OUT"
"It's MY house!"
"Whatever I WANT!"
If I weren't so tired I'd think of more.
She's even referred to my dad, her beloved to whom she had been devoted 70+ years as "jerk" LOL

When I can't laugh about it, it is hurtful. Some old feelings have regenerated, as my out of state sister who has done zilch, not even responding to my emails to convey empathy remains the Good Daughter. Another person who was friends with my mother who is younger than mom/older than me shared some information that made it clear mom's judgemental nature threw bricks in the way of my having a social life and friends.

My only concern is that her snarky attitude may be picked up if we ever have help in the house and an outsider may take the comments seriously and think there is truth to the statement. She pulled an attitude when we were in with the neurologist who specialized in dementias who was a love. (also btw, she was sharp enough when they sent an envelope to her in error, to call and cancel the appt which we didn't know until the day of it! and had to reschedule) He asked her some questions and she made some snarky comment about my being responsible for her being there and he responded by saying how I loved her very much. It can get ugly. I am her enemy and her hatred comes out especially if she is being urged to do something like get out of the way when a bed is being delivered or someone is painting a wall etc.

Yes it’s common...Yesterday I turned 61...she’s 92...I told her yesterday morning it’s my birthday...she said oh yeah...happy 24 th Bday...I said ...that’s right..later that night, she tells me how much she hates me, I’m a prostitute, a piece of sh—. & my life is a waste All these comments do is make me care less & less about her. I told my brother if I ever get this way, take me on a cruise & throw me overboard the last night of cruise. Hugs 🤗