I was wondering about experiences with end of life of loved ones.

My mother was given no food and slept a deep sleep for three solid weeks before she died. There became no way to predict when it might come and in the end she was alone. My father last spoke to us the day before he died and then slept the same deep sleep. I held his hand through his last breathe. It was both and honor to be there and traumatic for me. I came to see death as very much a solo journey and don’t believe all that hype of “they can hear you” Our wise hospice nurse told me about 20 or so hours before my dad died that “he’s already gone, his body just hasn’t gotten the message” I completely believe that was true and though I was right there, I don’t believe it was particularly important to be. Both of my parents were so very tired of overwhelming health issues and quite ready to leave this world and though I miss them still, I cannot wish them back. I wish you healing and peace

I wasn’t there at the exact moment of death for either parent, but I watched their deaths for more than 5 years while managing their care and business also. I made sure I said everything I needed to say early on.

When they died, I felt huge relief. They were no longer suffering. The relief was enough closure for me.

Maybe it would help if you thought about it that way. My condolences on your loss, and I hope you find the closure you need.

I think a lot of us are hung up on what I think of as the Hollywood death - you know, where people with terminal illness leave loving and meaningful messages and those on their deathbeds utter one last precious word that brings peace and comfort. My own nephew - a grown azz man - was disappointed the correspondence sent to him from my mom's estate didn't include some kind of letter from his grandmother, a woman who had been lost in dementia for years.

I feel remorse I was too inexperienced, weak and afraid to be with my father and my brother, I held my mother's hand right up until her final few moments. Grief is grief, and in my opinion the concept of closure is over rated.

Like you, my mother was declining for a long time. By the time she actually passed, it was a relief for me bc she was finally free of pain and suffering and had achieved perfect peace.

She NEVER talked about death and had no idea she was under hospice care at the AL bc she hated that idea and fought it mightily.

Unlike you, I did not want to be with mom as she took her last breath. So Chuck and I went home early in the evening on the day I knew she'd pass. I did not want that memory of her etched in my mind for the rest of my life. We'd spent that whole day with her, listening to her rattled breathing, and giant hiccups which scared me something fierce.

Especially since at that point, I knew mom had already transitioned to the other side and only her body was left in the bed to die. Her soul was already free.

She died at 9:30pm that night.

We went back to the MC to see her body and to say goodbye. That was all the closure I needed. When we meet again, then we'll talk. 😁

My mom's passing was not what I wanted.

After being a caregiver for many years and trying to do my best for her every day, she died when I left the room for only a few minutes. She was alone. It made me feel like I had failed even after all of the hoops I had jumped all of those years. Anti-climatic. We never spoke of death in a conversation. She was afraid of it. So, I had her write in a journal what she wanted so that I had a clear understanding of what she wanted at her funeral. I did my best to do everything she wished (even the dress she wanted to wear).

I have written many times, here on the forum, that my mom was an introvert. I have heard that people die the way they live. She was so comfortable with her own company that I like to believe she died alone because she chose to. At least that makes me feel less sorrowful over not being with her when she died.

I will tell you that it has really been something I have had to have counseling for. All of those years, doing every thing I could to make sure she was ok only to not be in the room when she passed (when my presence counted the most). I have started a journal, writing down the things I know I did right since I tend to focus on the things I wish I could change.

It does get easier. It will be 10 months this week and I do not think about it every day. I just have days where it overwhelms me and I think I cannot breath. It passes. I have even been able to smile at some of the good memories.

Grief is complex. Relationships are complex. Give yourself time.

I didn’t want to see my mother take her last breath because it would have broken my heart to see her die.

I was there shortly before she died. My brother was with her and it was important for him to be with her at the end so I am glad that he was.

My mother was at peace with death and that allowed me to accept her death easier.

She was ready to be with my father who died many years earlier. They were married for 56 years and loved each other deeply.

My father passed Friday on hospice. We had all discussed death openly, and I knew Dad had accepted his. I last saw him about 36 hours before he died. It would have been terribly hard on me had I not. I’m very sorry.

Thank you everyone. I guess what I was trying to say is that I wanted her end to have positive messages from me as we often hadn't agreed. It wasn't so much about seeing her last breath. I was telling her I loved her and kissed her each time before I left. That will have to suffice. I just wanted to thank her for the positives and I didn't feel I did that as she went so quickly. I was told we had a week or 10 days more and then she was gone. On a positive note 2 days before my husband read to her from a favorite book and told her we would see her in 2 days. She nodded in agreement before falling back asleep.

RD,

One reason why I couldn’t go see my mom’s body after she died was because there was a kid in my speech class who did their ‘informative’ speech on, ‘How to embalm a body.’

Detailed information on what occurs to a body after death was given!

That student’s family owned a mortuary. I was very disturbed by their speech but the student got an A for a unique topic and the information given!

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

She knew🙏🏾