I recently was bedside with my boyfriend and his sister when their mother passed on from esophageal cancer. It is imprinted in my mind.

My dad died suddenly in 1989. Heart Attack. He was 54. I’m almost 4 years older now. I clearly remember seeing him in the ER. He was grey. I couldn’t believe how horribly he looked in only a few hours. We were very close. Now. So many years later , I remember his beautiful blue eyes , the smell of Old Spice, his smile, his voice. It gets easier. It does. With time. And I know he’s in a better place.

Kelly,
As I've said in other posts, these days we watch babies being born and rejoice. But death is still a Tabu subject, not talked about much, feared, not witnessed and not understood.

I've been both a maternity nurse and a hospice nurse. We pretty much know what to expect in a delivery room and society has welcomed opening up the whole birth experience of seeing your newborn come into the world. No one thinks twice about mom grunting and groaning, leaking amniotic fluid or blood and sweating. It's a happy time and we take it in stride.

Not so with death. The gurgles, body fluids and noises scare us and we perceive our loved one in distress. Most times it is their body doing its natural thing to prepare to stop functioning. We have such mixed emotions dealing with the permanent separation, that we are at a loss to emotionally handle normal bodily functions during the dying process.

It's hard to comprehend death, WE still exist but the loved one has come to their end. Even animals of the same species stop and ponder a dead member.

Maybe this was your first witnessed passing. Your brain may need to play back the scene a few times for it to make sense. It will seem more "normal" as time goes on.

If you are bothered by this recreation in your mind for longer than a couple of months, it may be useful to speak to a counselor. I believe that any hospice would open its counseling services to you even if your boyfriends mom wasn't in hospice.

Maybe check out some info on death and dying on the internet. It may help with your perspective.

The Bible refers to death as "sleep". We will awaken in Heaven. I hope you can process what happened and be comforted and carry on.

I think it helps to talk about it. Not with your boyfriend or his sister necessarily, but with a therapist, grief counselor or some other neutral party. My sister and I were present when our mom died, but my sister was alone when our dad passed away. My sister seemed to need to talk about the details of our dad's passing and I just listened even though it was hard to hear (he was in the hospital and she had to ask them to stop resuscitation) . It seemed to relieve her in some way. Everyone is different.
For me, at the funeral, looking through pictures and talking about her life before alzheimers helped me to put her death in perspective as a few moments in a full life raising children, and being a wife, sister, mother and daughter.

Kelly, you can't unsee that... only time can make it better. For me, I reconstructed my mom's death in my head- redesigned her final moments, if you will. After nearly a year I'm to the point where I've convinced myself she died much easier.

I don't know if this would be considered a 'healthy' exercise or not, but it worked for me and now when I think of mother, the memories are good ones of when she was alive and vibrant. When I do think of her death- like writing this- I remember the pretty pink nightgown she had on, that she was surrounded by her family, all the visitors she had, and that she wasn't alone when she drew her last breath... comforting images.

Find what works best for you because I think it's different for everyone. And kudos to you for being an outstanding girlfriend- you gave his mom a great gift by being there for her kids and I'm sure she would tell you that if she could.

I’m very sorry for your challenges and loss. I’ve been there, with my mom who passed away when I was 20 and my grandmother when I was 34.

When you are in a heightened emotional state, your brain records sense memories better. This is a basic survival adaptation to help us remember sights and smells and sounds, etc. that are meant to signal when we are in danger. That way, the next time a similar danger is near, it helps our bodies to respond quickly by sending signals to arouse the sensory part of our brains so we react. Think of a tiger in the jungle, stopping to smell and listen and watch for sensory clues about its environment.

Things like lack of sleep, and the general heightened emotional quality of the situation is producing your very normal reaction, and as others have said, it should diminish with time. You can think of it as a kind of PTSD, but not something to worry too much about. If it goes on for a lot longer, or you find you are having trouble coping with it, you can seek some grief or trauma therapy to help you process it.

The way you process the memory, and the thoughts you attach to it (the words that you say to yourself in your head) can make a difference in how you move on. So, tell yourself that it is normal, and it will slowly get better and soon pass. See if you can come up with positive messages to attach to each sense memory. The breath is peace, the sounds are the energy of love flowing from one state to the next, etc. If you need help with this, a grief counselor or trauma therapist can guide you through it.

I thought of myself as lucky to have had the experience of being with my loved ones when they passed. Some people shy away from death and live their whole lives without the benefit of understanding impermanence. How lucky are we who can witness the transition at a younger age! It can deepen our compassion and encourage us to live thoughtfully and intentionally. It can help us see the bigger picture and set aside things that are less important. It can teach us how to love each other and love ourselves, and be gentle with those who suffer, (which is every single one of us in one way or another at one time or another.)

But, the worst of this experience is over for now, and it is good to rest and take care of yourself, and the ripples should slowly spread out and away from you with time, like a drop in a pond of still water. When you have a difficult memory, picture it slowly flowing away while you float in that water. Like all things, it is impermanent too, and you are going to be ok. Lots of people have been there too and are there to help you if you need help with the transition.

Sending you gentle hugs of loving kindness and compassion to help you through!

I too suggest therapy and hospice can help or recommend. I notice no one has mentioned the word "boyfriend" and I suspect this is another issue for you because it can't help but affect your connection. You think, "how do I help him?"
Again I refer to counseling.
What was helpful for me was to let the other person talk about the great times they had, especially as children, and to look at photos. If there seemed to be only hard family connections, search for an understandable and forgivable reason for them. All of these are such tender links and need support.
I know that the final image may seem relentlessly planted in your brain, but perhaps you can remember her next step and 'see' the release from suffering as well. It takes time and in the end will give you strength because you have been courageous enough to speak up and not deny the pain you feel.

If hospice was involved they have grief counseling for the family and caregivers for no charge. Did they not offer that when mom passed?
Call whomever you dealt with and ask what you need to do to receive the services that come with hospice.

Your friend was right, time is our greatest friend when we experience loss and trauma.

Can I also suggest being there for your boyfriend and his sister, talk about the good times, laugh about the funny things and cry together if needed. It really does help to remember the person before the illness and to talk about them.

Hugs to all of you, it is never easy to loose a loved one, no matter your age.

Kelly, my most sincere sympathies for your loss. No matter how it happens , loosing someone we care for is hard dor the heart and for the mind.
I am no specialist, just a caregiver . In the past two years , I went twice to beeing by their bedside when loved ones passed away ( dad and brother) , I will share with you two things that helped me. The first one I learned at work. I was in a field where some of our staff were exposed to beeing first to arrive on accident scenes or have to assist and stay on the scene . A rule was put in place that we could never let an employee go home , or allow him or her to, if he or she had not had the chance to talk , in private, about what happened on the scene. For major events, we had a list of specialists who could come right away, but even for what would have seem to many, as a minor thing, the rule was that you had to be able to talk to someone neutral who was there to listen. We had employees that were trained to do that in addition to their regular tasks . I suggest that you find someone who can be your listener. Maybe , this web community is a little bit that and I hope you feel that even though we do not meet in person, we meet in our hearts. Some associations have telephones lines or volunteers who can talk with you, maybe you can look at what is offered where you live. The key is to not wait.

The second thing is something a friend said at my dad's funeral. He had just lost his dad and we both had the same very close relationship with our dads. When he arrived at the funeral, he hugged me and just said " with time, it is the good memories that you will remember". My dad's final moments were not what you wish for and these moments and images also were very vivid in my mind at the time. But as time passed, I remembered his words when , as he said, it was the happy things about dad that were getting to the surface. I have nor forgotten the sad, but it is no longer at the front of the emotions.
Sometimes we think we are very courageous, but I think that for many caregivers, the hardest thing to do is ask for help. It is ok for you to get some too and I trust that with all you did and went through, you know that sometimes little things can make a big difference.

Consider therapy--seeing a death shakes us to the core.
It can help to move your thoughts from the loop of the dying/death experience with an exercise of "then what happened?"
She was dying and her breaths were loud and agonizing.
Then what happened?
The breaths became shallow
Then what happened?
They stopped
Then what happened?
We wondered what to do next?
Then what happened?
We sat in silence
Then what happened?

Keep this up until you get your thoughts to a quiet peaceful time.

I was on my way to hospice when my dad was dying. I didn't get the message that he had died on my way there. When I went in, I was lead to the room where he had died just a couple of minutes before I got there. For a long long time, when I would think of my dad the first image of him is the one of him yellow and grey. I would have to think real hard to think of him alive. I went on like this for about 7 months, then decided to seek grief counselling. It has really helped. I know longer see that image first. Hospice will provide counselling free of charge. Please contact them.

I was with my dear sweet mother when she died what I considered a horrible, protracted death after three weeks of hell. I wouldn't have wished that on my worst enemy, let alone the woman I loved more than anything. All the more difficult because it was a decision I made that precipitated the entire thing. (Medication change.). My mother passed only four weeks ago. The memories are slowly receding. Think about your good times together.

A bit of xanax will help. I had the same problem when my uncle died...it took about 3 months for me to go back to normal again...some people can't handle watching someone die...and need a little extra help. I am one of them. My dear father must have remembered this as he passed only 5 minutes before I arrived when I got the call...I wasn't prepared for it...I was thankful, but sad of course...but was happy he was finally out of pain and at peace. replace the vision in your head with good memories and drinking chamomile tea before bed time helps also...it will soon be far from your memory and you will be left with only good ones.

I am so sorry for your loss. What just happened is recent and in time the memories of this will fade and memories of happier times will begin to replace this. This is still very recent for you. This last part of your boyfriend's mom's life was but a short part of her life, and there was so much more of her life before this happened. It helped me when my mom was dying and afterward to pull out photos of happier times my mom had, vacations, etc. and I realized this ending was but a short part of her life. Give yourself time as the memory is still recent, and realize these last days were but a short part of a longer life. Try to remember happier times and be grateful for the time you had with her.

Kelly, this horrible two weeks ended only two weeks ago. Give yourself a chance.

Kellyreg, I’m so sorry for your loss. Although I don’t have any suggestions, I did read through the ones others wrote hoping for some guidance for myself. I watched my dad die over a three year period. I have that final image of his frail, broken body imbedded in my brain as well. Something I do is take out my favorite recent picture of him to reflect on that memory to snap me back into a happy place for a moment. It seems all I do is keep playing that “movie” reel repeatedly of my dad’s life with the final chapter his soul void of the body laying in his bed. Then some writing comes up on the movie screen TO BE CONTINUED leaving me feeling left hanging not knowing what’s next.

Thanks so much to everyone that answered. I am grateful for the advice. I am trying the picture thing first and if it doesn't seem to help then maybe i need to find a therapist.

I am sorry. This is such a hard thing to experience. When my youngest son died in hospital at age 23 I was "stuck" with an image too and it bought up a lot of painful feelings. I found a photo of him I particularly liked, had it framed and hung it on the wall across from when I usually sit in my house. When the images of him in hospital came to mind, I would look up and fix my gaze on the photo of him alive and happy.. This way I worked to replace the image that caused distress with one that brought good feelings. It helped. Wishing you all the best. Processing grief is hard work.

The hospice providers usually offer grief counselling, perhaps you could start there.

It is a horrible memory to have and carry around. I think you should talk to a good therapist who can help you work through this and put it behind you.

Call around a few therapists and see which one clicks with you.