I want to gather information for my parents' obituaries while they are still with me. Has anyone else done this?

My husband and I both wrote our own obituaries. I needed to update my husband's a bit when he died, but it was good to have a starting point!

Yes--I wrote my father's and my mother was still living, but she liked my style of writing and so I got to do it for him.

During the time I spent caregiving for him, I talked to him a lot. I would write down things he said that I wanted to remember, and it turned out that this really helped me to write the obit.

After the basics--parents, family names, etc, you'll want to write something that is an homage of sorts to the person. I was able to write that daddy was a very hard worker, loved his family and his religion, and had taught all 6 of us values that served us our whole lives. A few very short comments on his amazing life and influences and that was it.

Obituaries are VERY expensive. Mother balked a little at the cost, but in the end, knew that many old friends would want to read and remember him.

Talking to your LO and writing down, in advance essentially a "rough draft" of the things you want to have said NOW, before they pass will help you to get an obit written that will stand as a tribute. Make sure you have dates, places, names of people who would be mentioned in an obit. This can be done by simply talking to your LO about their lives. Unless you never talked to your folks or lived in a cave, you probably DO already "know" what you want to say. Having the obit "pre written" will be so much easier than if you suddenly are faced with the daunting prospect of writing one.
I can't imagine your folks not wanting to share information. Most elderly folks can't get enough attention and talking to someone who'll listen!

Try disguising it as family tree research. The conversation can then diverge into what they got up to as individuals, as well.

You will need to rough out at least a basic family tree. Otherwise you might find them looking at you narrowly, not taken in for a moment!

I know I'm being pedantic, but it sounds to me as though you are looking for info to write a eulogy not an obit, strictly speaking an obituary is just a formal death announcement.

You might be right, cwillie! I didn't even think of that. I do talk to them a lot and they tell me things that sometimes I don't remember. Dad loves to reminisce and mom does too on her good days. She suffers from dementia. I don't want to write long obituaries, but I want to have the correct information in them, so I don't have to do the research right after they pass away. For example Dad was in Japan in the Korean War, but not sure of where he was stationed and the dates. I would like to include that because he served our country and that was an important part of his life.

I think its smart to prepare a little in advance. I hadn't done that, so when my dad passed it was something I spent a lot of time trying to get it "right". And trying to get my dates correct. Army dates, metals, marriage date, employment/retirement dates etc.
plus like someone said it was kinda expensive, even as small/average sized obit. I found myself cutting out as much as I could and staying within a certain letter count.

plus trying to locate the "right" picture I wanted in the paper.

im not very good at writing something that sounds "nice" I have to read other obituaries for ideas on how to express myself. (hope that doesn't sound bad. but some obits have such a nice feel to them)

The right picture! Yes that is another thing I would like to have ready! There are so many to go through I would hate to do that in a hurry. Thanks Wally003!

My mother wrote her own. Unlike most people, she wanted bare bones. And that is exactly what she wrote. No stories, very little information. She said she was survived but three children (gave our first names only), three sisters (first names only), three grandchildren and 5 great grandchildren (no names for them). She gave me a copy and left a copy with the funeral home at the time she paid for her funeral. She also stated no music, no photos, no video. I made sure her wishes were honored even though there were some pi——d off people.

Sue, I just did an obit and gave the eulogy at my mom’s memorial. I have posted about it on another thread.

I started talking to my mom and dad a couple years ago. Not interviewing and taking notes but just asking about the old days. They loved telling their stories and I learned much more about our family history.

Later after mom died and Dad was in care I spent time going through old pictures and the obit and ulogy started taking shape in my head. I also had some help from my nephew who’s a good writer.

It came together very nicely. The obit and the service were brief but covered Mom’s life and times pretty well.

I’m not sure how many people actually read those long obits you see families do. And that’s big bucks.

My parents/relatives were on the other side of the coin. Hardly any of them had obituaries placed in newspapers. One, they believed all their friends/relatives already knew they had just passed, so why have strangers read about them.

Plus there are "obituary scams". These scammers will claim they have important information of the love one who had passed, and will ask for money so that the info will be sent to the widow or widower, or their grown children. Or claim that the love one had owed them money.

Scammers will claim to be from the VA [if the obit has military service mentioned] saying they have an expired life insurance policy, thus if the widow or grown children send a certain amount of money, this life insurance policy can be available to them.

Crooks also use obituaries to plan robberies while the family is at a service. So if you do want to have an obituary in print, do it AFTER the date of service.

Be careful what you write on Facebook.

https://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/info-2018/scams-using-obituaries.html

I am doing a major family tree, and I found that obituaries didn't offer me any more information then what I had found already generated on Ancestry.com.

My mom's straightforward obit has been completed and on my computer for several years. At 98+ I'm really not too concerned about writing a eulogy, people who haven't cared enough to learn about her life by now won't be getting a history lesson during her funeral.

"She was the mother of a really wonderful, caring, and competent daughter".
All anyone needs to know.

A few years before our parents passed, my eldest sister and I took our parents away to a seaside resort town a few hour from our home, and we had (in advance), written out a bunch of questions about their lives, immigrating to America, their childhood day's, growing up in the UK during WW2, their courtship, my Dad following my Mom and family to America, their Wedding Day, buying their first home, employment, having and raising 6 kids, the Grandkids, retirement, vacations and trips, and a bit about their unfortunate illnesses that ultimately took their lives, etc.

We brought along a tape recorder to tape their answers during the car ride, it was fun, and of course we knew many of their stories, but it did come in handy for dates and such. It's especially nice now, bringing out that old cassette tape, hearing their voices and listening to their stories!

We kept our Obits short, but had very extensive Eulogies for both of them, as with 6 kids and many Grandkids, their are a lot of memories! And Yes, even 14 and 15 years ago, Obituaries are so very expensive!

My dad is still with us and his is already written, mostly by him. He loves to tell about his long life so it was easy to get him talking and recording things. Just get them talking and make notes, you’ll be so glad you did

I did a draft for my Mom a year before she passed. And showed her the photos I thought were beautiful. She actually enjoyed selecting the obit photo and edited to her liking my draft. My father's was drafted too at the same time. This was 3 years ago so am happy to 'be ready' as when a LO dies it is tough to think straight. Good luck.

I was told by a representative at the funeral home that will be taking care of mom when she passes that the average newspaper obit with maybe a small picture in our local paper can run hundreds of dollars. I haven't taken the local paper for years but saw one recently. That would explain why the obits were very short and sweet, I presume. That's definitely how I'd want it for myself.

My dad wrote his own! Hes still living, but he updates it regularly.

My parents bought a family headstone and had their names engraved on it and demanded I select what was carved on it. 

Boy I felt on the spot! I asked for some time and selected a dignified loving text to engrave on each side. I had our last name in the middle.

Neither parent has passed away yet. I’ll be cremated so I won’t take up any room. They bought the headstone fifteen years ago! But they’ve never had a POA drawn up so I can take care of them now.

My mother wrote my grandma’s obituary right before she died.

I’m not so sure I want an obituary myself. I don’t want people knowing my business. Yes, I’m strange and so is my family. I don’t want a funeral either.

Mom and dad want a grand sendoff!!

I began looking at obituaries in my local paper for ideas. With dad at 97 there are very few left alive that would recognize his death except family and maybe a few neighbors. We will keep it simple and have a graveside funeral. No sense in a big blow out at the funeral home. Dad will be flown to Kansas from Oklahoma where he resides now to be buried next to mom. And that will be that. When you live that long, there’s not many left to mourn you.

My husband will be 91 in a month. I have had his obituary written for 3 years. I go in and edit it as things change. I have all his papers and directives together. I have completed funeral arrangements, including songs, who will participate. We have talked openly about his wishes. Sometimes i will just ask a question by saying, “remind me about....”. This will get him started talking and i can glean the info i need. I have even done a shell program and gathered pictures for video which he doesn’t know. I did not tell him about obit. The main thing I have left to do is the clothes in which he will be buried. When our mom passed we had taken care of everything 2-3 years before. For my experience, anything that can be done ahead helps.

I have found that some people as they age want to have that all in order, write it themselves or with a close family member or caregiver and others feel very uncomfortable thinking about that so partly it depends on where your parent falls on the subject. Maybe casually mentioning how nice your (uncle's was it?) was to see if they bite and if not another time mentioning "a friend" or something who wrote it with their parent ahead of time and how perfect it came out and what a gift it was to your friend from that parent discussing it all well before they passed because they could rest easy knowing they were honoring their parent the way they wanted. Something along that line. Sometimes talking about someone else gives them the time and opportunity to have it be their idea or express their feelings on the idea of writing or helping to write their own obituary, plan their own funeral, without the pressure of being asked if that makes any sense. At the least they wont react at all, at best they initiate working out all the details and feel good about doing it and somewhere in-between you at least get their feelings about taking part in that, "that's a great idea, I'm just not sure I can do it" or "There is something too creepy about writing your own obit, it creates bad juju".
I had one grandmother who took care of all the details and sent letters to all of her relatives telling us exactly what her wishes were, 10 years or more before she passed or had any medical problems. That's the kind of person she was, controlling yes but also organized and when it came to it made things so much easier for my dad. My other grandmother was opposite, wanted nothing to do with planning for her aging or passing and left not only her loose ends but all the stuff from both her mother and her aunts house, passing, estate (the things she didn't have to take care of at the time legally) for my mom (and us) to deal with. We are still cataloging stuff and she passed 15 (?) years ago. Just different personalities handling these things very differently so I guess what I'm saying is you need to figure out where your loved one falls and then work with that.

I wrote my parents' obituaries before they passed away. I did look at other well-written obituaries to somewhat act as a guideline. Just having a rough-draft will save time after a loved one has passed, not to mention the brain-fog that comes with grief. For my dad, who was an artist, he actually discussed his obituary with me. I came up with a rough draft and shared it with him. He was very pleased and gave me some ideas of things to stream-line it a bit. When he was actively dying, I went back and stream-lined it a bit more, plus updated some dates and names. It was a huge blessing to have this done the day I went into finalize the funeral arrangements. As everyone mentioned, the cost is expensive, so unless you really need to put many details in the obituary, don't. You can always write a beautiful memorial memory to pass out at the funeral or visitation. You may even be allowed to post something on the funeral home's website. Personally, I had no problems with scammers, but I'm certain there are those types of people who are ready to prey on others, so limiting some information such as addresses can be wise.

You'll never regret having pre-planned any of your loved one's obituary, funeral/memorial service, burial, etc. One of the very special things my parents did for us kids was to pre-buy their burial plot and their caskets. The less details you have to think about in a time of grief, will result in less over-spending and less stress. You're very wise to make this decision and plan out your parents' (and your) desires.

My mom had lived in several states and a couple of countries over a long life. When she was in her 70s she started 'drafting' a 'complete' obit so we would have all the info -- including things like where she went to school (in 3 states), what unit she served in during the war, the full names of her first husband and her (long-dead) stepdaughter, and so on. She said she knew that newspaper obits were expensive and by no means should we send the full-length text to every city ... but each city should get the part that was relevant. She also pointed out that, in addition to the newspaper where you pay for the obit, there would be church newsletters and small community groups who would want to at least see the whole thing. Today she would probably want the whole thing on her Facebook page -- which she would certainly have had if she had lived to now. By the time she died there were several pages of info. We cherry-picked what to include for the newspaper where she and my dad lived 20 years and were active serving on community organizations and sent a small notice to the town where she and her sisters had grown up, but the local smalltown newspaper where she spent her last 30 years took her draft and added their own info and included most of the facts she had listed. And didn't charge us because she was a 'pillar' of the community by then.

Most people, even those who feel a little bit spooked talking about it, will respond to your desire to 'get the facts right.' Especially if you open with an example of a obituary where they messed it up. "I can't believe this -- my friend Gina's mother's obituary spells her name wrong and it said she dropped out of college but it doesn't say that she finished college at 52." Most parents would want to make sure that didn't happen to them.

I have written my father's obit. His wife - not my mother, has a niece who she wants to have to have write it. Well, in the case of my father who is over 105 there are only dates, that really need to be edited. So, since they didn't write them, someone had to and my brother isn't the type to do it, there are many items of interest that a son knows and they won't change. What's wrong with having it done and let the chips fall where they may if they didn't do it? What you can do is plan ahead and think over what is or may be important for those reading the obit. Changes can always be made and then the stress will not cause you more problems.

Go to "StoryCorps", they have lots of ideas for questions to ask and conversations to have that might be helpful.

I asked a cousin to help with my dad's obituary and learned more than I ever knew about him.

My SIL wrote her own before she passed.

For my DH, I opted not to do an obituary. At 96-1/2, he had already outlived his peers and I saw no reason to alert "strangers on the prowl" that he had passed.

The funeral home will ask you the most pertinent questions and they even assisted me in writing the obit for my dad who served in WWII in the Big Red A - he survived 8 skirmishes and was at the Normandy Beach landing and helped to liberate the concentration camps. I went "whole-hog" in his obit because I knew there are groups looking for these 'flags' when the veteran passes on.

Unknowingly my father helped write his. He had recently retired and had made lots of notes about his life and experience in preparation for that. Mom and & sat with those notes and pulled it all together. After things settled down she and I sat down and got some of the details for hers together for when the time came. She had been active in the American Legion Aux and held several offices, she wanted to mention the traveling she and Dad enjoyed after her retired, she was very proud to have been the 1st in her family to graduate HS. Oh and NO photo, she hated that people put an old photo of when they were younger in the paper. Photos at the funeral home were fine. While she didn't pre-plan her services with the funeral home she told me she's be fine with what I chose. While my Dad had the full Catholic service don't take her to church, she did go when she was alive don't drag her there when she was dead.

I have written my own obituary. I did it after my second husband died, and I some difficulty with the actual names of the agencies where he worked before I met him. Most people don't even take a newspaper anymore, but it is nice to have the obituary blown-up and sitting at the memorial service. I don't have a lot of friends, so my memorial service will be small, but my church has a nice chapel and I plan to discuss with the minister what I want there, as well as with my children. I even have a tombstone in place already engraved with everything but the date of death!

Again, haven't read all the responses so sorry if someone has said this.

Yes, obits are expensive. I really dislike those long drawn out ones. I said just enough so that people were sure they knew my Mom. I like seeing date and place of birth. Maiden name included with married. Parents. Then they are survived by children, names and grand, names. (I left out grands names and wish I had included because grandsons work ask for proof of death with an obit to be paid for the day) Deceased by. This gets, to me, all the important info out of the way. Then you can tell about where the person worked, organizations involved in ect.