I want out of my marriage. Help!

He is holding you hostage, and has for awhile.  Think about placing him in a facility, NH or MC.  Meanwhile, search this site for others as well.  HUGS!  You are not a monster.

Here is the website for the Hamilton/Warren County Area Agency on Aging:

https://www.warrencountyny.gov/ofa/contact.php

The phone number for Hamilton County is 1(888) 553-4994. Office hours are listed as 8 AM to 4 PM.

Start by calling Agency on Aging, if he’s a Veteran, call the VA and apply for the Pension, it includes a lot of home health care options. What do you enjoy doing? I like to play pool, so I joined a league on Sunday afternoons and Im gone from noon til 5pm. I feed him before I leave and let the kids know Im poolin and they check in on him and usually fix Sunday dinner so I dont have to cook when I get home. Get a life alert bracelet, mine wears one every time I leave the house. You do not have to sacrifice your life for his! Start living again and you’ll find a way to have your freedom and keep him safe too. Taking care of him doesnt mean waiting on him hand and foot 24/7, thats crazy!! (((HUGS)))

Agree with those suggesting that you look into outsourcing your husband's care as much as possible. I admire you for wanting to see that he receives proper care.

I would think that a divorce or legal separation would require your husband to have an agent of some kind. Is a person diagnosed with dementia able to direct an attorney to act in his interest? It seems to me that any legal division of property would be expensive and complicated because the courts would want someone to act on your husband's behalf.

I'm very sorry that things are what they are. Many hugs to you...

I don’t know your financial resources or if you have a support system at all, but if there is any way you can put him in a memory care or assisted living home, that might be your solution. He would be well cared for and you can have some peace. After you have some respite, you might feel inclined to visit him regularly or you may not. No judgement. Maybe a counselor could help you sort through your feelings and your options. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

Talk to his doctors about care options and extricate yourself from the care as much as possible.

Explore with lawyers whether a divorce might be advisable to preeerve your retirement assets.

Many are in this situation, few are brave enough to admit it.

Given you have had a very difficult time with him for much longer that the current caring role, some supportive counselling to help you strengthen yourself as a separate person and away from the abuse would be so great for you as well. Someone posted Co-dependency Anonymous website which is very helpful. There are articles on this website also about how to access services. MD would be a great start too. When you speak to the MD tell him/her that the caring r'ship has broken down due to long term unrealistic caring burden on you involving difficult and abusive behaviors, and you need direction to services or options because you cannot continue in the caring role as it is. Don't delay.

It sounds like the carer relationship is at serious risk of breaking down, and so is your marriage.

So, you have two issues to deal with.

I have a question for you to consider: do you think if care obligations were alleviated by say, placing him in care permanently, that you would consider staying in the marriage?, or, do you feel the marriage has absolutely no chance of staying intact even if you didn't need to lift a finger for him?

So, if you feel like you could potentially find a way to stay in the marriage if your carer burden was reduced signifcantly - I would look into those options. You need to look for options, now, anyway - because you are behaving like a machine working 24/7, but you are not a machine, you are a person with needs and your needs are being neglected. You will break down. You have already broken down....

So, both relationships, caring and marriage seem to be in really bad shape.

When I was reading your story, I wondered whether some of his personality issues predate his brain injury - and you've been been absorbing quite a lot of neglect and abuse for a long time? I wondered whether this factors into your state of mind - perhaps it's not just the caring and the abuse in the present time?? Some people who have had very good positive memories keep them going... if the memories of the past are not positive, it makes it doubly hard to find something to hang on for......

Your last sentence, can I still care for him and have freedom? Only if you put significant care arrangements in place very very soon, and you are able to get away completely from the caring role several hours a day. Or, several weeks a year in a residential care facility so you have regular, long, proper breaks to recharge and restore.

Ahead of you are worse troubles... It only gets worse. No sleep is a big potentiality if he is awake at night... Lots more things can happen so you need to act now.

So, again you do need to move quickly with the little energy you have left I think getting him into the "system" by organising residential respite (while you take a trip away), or a care assessment will start the ball rolling so you are starting to make links with professionals in the aged care and social work system who will help you. You need to start the ball rolling, even if you don't have a particular direction in mind. I think JUST GETTING STARTED will be a big help to you.

Good luck.

So sorry for your situation. As already said, there are many cases similar, but not exact to yours. Many people are caring for people they have less than ideal relationships with, prior to the dementia taking hold. Many people are not very nice and are very difficult to care for. Many caregivers, like you, are suffering from burnout.

I strongly suggest that you change your situation as far as being alone with him 24/7, waiting on him hand and foot. NO. You need regular breaks.

Since your husband has been diagnosed by a neurologist, it does not matter if he agrees with the diagnosis or not. It is likely, at least in my opinion, that he is unable to understand or remember the exact situation. That's OK. It is what it is.

Please find some people who can come in to your home and stay with hubby so you can go out on your own and do something for yourself. Go for a walk, a drive, out to lunch, etc. Anything, just out of the house, not being a caregiver.

You might also consider if he needs to be in assisted living or depending on his condition, a nursing home. This is a reasonable option, especially when the person with dementia needs more care than the caregiver is able to provide. It's not an easy "job" and is often very thankless.

Good luck!

So very sorry. So awful for you. The truth is that your question--not your exact situation--but very similar ones have been on the forum and are currently.
I think even for those with loving relationships, when something like dementia comes the person is often transformed, and while still looking like the person they love is in fact not the person they loved anymore. They lose someone who is still living.
In your own case you were hanging in there with someone who you were already growing apart from. You are still very young. I would concentrate on making your own remaining years decent quality time.
Does your husband have any family? If so I would have a conference with as many willing to attend and tell them pretty much what you said here, and that you want only a fair and equitable division of your assets.
As to HOW all this works now, if you are unable to go on, to insure your husband is safe, and gets care or wellness checks, I wouldn't even know where to start. Perhaps with a visit to his MD if he has had one long term. I hope others have a clue where you might begin. I am certain you have been thinking about this for some time. It is a very hard decision.

First, sending you a big hug. Per your profile you are also caring for your brother as well...wow you are carrying an immense load. I think you have hit the wall with caregiver burnout. I have some questions and the answers would be helpful for the community to know:
How often do you get breaks?
Is your financial situation reasonable?
Is James in your home, too? If not, how are you caring for him?
Do you have any other younger relatives local to you?
Blessings to you.