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Our marriage hasn't been good for decades. I can't say I didn't love my husband at one time because I did but that was decades ago. He was controlling, mentally abusive and cold back then.


When my husband was diagnosed with dementia in 2017 I wanted to keep him home with me to care for him. However he's been so mean, sarcastic and hurtful. He's just plain nasty. He's always been a very cold person. He drives everyone that loves me away. If I take a walk he questions me where I've been. His dementia started in 2013 but has progressed. When I ask whether he loves me or not he says yes. I feel nothing. Out of respect for the 50 years together I wanted to make sure he's taken care of with respect and love, hopefully under my watch. It's getting impossible.


He's 79 and I'm 68. He's been professionally diagnosed by a neurologist. He is on meds. He no longer showers, changes his clothes, has delusions, and is paranoid. He now is lying as well. He refuses to acknowledge he has dementia, rather he says he had a stroke which is true. He had 2 mini strokes. I literally am alone with him 24/7. I wait on him hand and foot.


I'm tired, feel unloved, used and abused. I'm done. I want to find some happiness before I die. I've never seen anything like my situation on this site. Is there anyone else out there in my situation? Am I a monster? Can I still care for him even though I want my freedom? Help me please.

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When I read your story I said to myself that was me. I was advised that at the first chance I could to call 911. Once you get him in the ER tell the dr that you can’t take him home because it’s an unsafe environment for him and you. Ask to see a social worker. I am 2 years past this.
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Jypzy2019 Sep 2019
Great advice.
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It would probably be a good idea to see a lawyer now. If you don’t want a divorce, it would be best if you could have a Power of Attorney, and also make sure that wills are up-to-date for both you and your husband. If your husband is paranoid and won’t agree, a trust might be more palatable. You aren’t concerned at the moment about finances, but advice could be a good investment. You haven’t given information about family, and unfortunately problems can come out of the woodwork when it becomes clear that the marriage isn’t going too well. Many women have had to cope with husband or father getting tied up with a younger female scammer, and money can disappear only too easily. If you spend less time with your husband (with luck because you have organised another care option), he may feel bitter, and that is fertile ground for other relatives to step in. I don’t want to be depressing, but this is a difficult situation which could get to be a nightmare if all the worst things happen. Protect yourself before you make changes that could trigger worse problems. You have wanted him to be taken care of – take care of yourself first.
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Talk to his doctors about care options and extricate yourself from the care as much as possible.

Explore with lawyers whether a divorce might be advisable to preeerve your retirement assets.

Many are in this situation, few are brave enough to admit it.
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yatzeedog123 Sep 2019
It was probably the hardest thing to come to terms with the reality of my situation. I have been given some wonderful advice and contacts. Divorce would be messy because of assets. If I can provide him with good care and keep myself sane that would be perfect.
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Start by calling Agency on Aging, if he’s a Veteran, call the VA and apply for the Pension, it includes a lot of home health care options. What do you enjoy doing? I like to play pool, so I joined a league on Sunday afternoons and Im gone from noon til 5pm. I feed him before I leave and let the kids know Im poolin and they check in on him and usually fix Sunday dinner so I dont have to cook when I get home. Get a life alert bracelet, mine wears one every time I leave the house. You do not have to sacrifice your life for his! Start living again and you’ll find a way to have your freedom and keep him safe too. Taking care of him doesnt mean waiting on him hand and foot 24/7, thats crazy!! (((HUGS)))
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yatzeedog123 Sep 2019
Thank you for your support. I thought my honest statement would get me more angry responses but not one. All positive and love.
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He is holding you hostage, and has for awhile.  Think about placing him in a facility, NH or MC.  Meanwhile, search this site for others as well.  HUGS!  You are not a monster.
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I am l00% with you, fully behind you in every way. I am glad you once loved this man who obviously did not return the love. If his behavior is negative, cold and abusive and is harming you mentally and physically, YOU owe him NOTHING. He deserves to be left behind. NO PERSON EVER SHOULD HAVE TO PUT UP WITH BEHAVIOR AND ABUSE AND THEY ARE FOOLS IF THEY ALLOW IT. I only wish you had left earlier. You are entitled to live the life you have left and he is using you and you are his slave. Put a stop to it at once. Find a facility or a caretaker but leave and start a new life. There simply is no other choice. Go now while you still have a chance. And I know many will disagree but that is their problem. You are not bad, you should not feel guilty. You need to move on with your life - now.
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It is a tiring experience without rewards.
I married for better or worse, in sickness or health. This is the worse, this is the sickness. Everyone is different, but he sounds like he needs a higher level of care than what you can give. In his world he may not even realize the change.
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I don’t know your financial resources or if you have a support system at all, but if there is any way you can put him in a memory care or assisted living home, that might be your solution. He would be well cared for and you can have some peace. After you have some respite, you might feel inclined to visit him regularly or you may not. No judgement. Maybe a counselor could help you sort through your feelings and your options. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
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yatzeedog123 Sep 2019
Thank you for your thoughts. Hopefully I will draw on all the wonderful advice and get myself settled as well as my husband.
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I suggest that you see a good lawyer that specializes in elder law. You need to deal with financial issues and care issues. If you can deal with staying in the marriage, but not necessarily living with him 24/7, that would help prevent the possibility of him finding another person who might complicate the finances as well as the care situation.
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I read through this entire conversation and agree with the other respondents. You are not a monster at all. You sound like a decent human being trapped in a bad situation. Your situation is also a wake-up call for all of us in bad relationships. For many reasons, we stay in bad marriages, take less than we deserve and then after all of this, the spouse gets sick and then we’re stuck in yet another bad situation. To all women in bad marriages, figure out how to get out when you can. Once your husbands get sick, you won’t be able to leave because the guilt will drive you crazy, you’ll feel the whole world is judging you, etc. Please talk to an attorney, inquire about legal separation and division of assets and how best to leave the marital home after you set up a care plan for your husband. Build a better life for yourself...you’re only 68 with a lot more life to live. All the best and let us know how you are doing.
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